Based Lubricant 5 5 Drum Passion Lubes 3051 customer reviews 78 answered questions About the product The Ultimate Lube Keg Best Value Lube Pump Included xxBackyard Carnival of Death By James O Thach on February 27 2014 Size 55 Gallon I'm a risk analyst for a major insurance firm so when my wife and I were planning a birthday party for our seven-year-old Crispin my mind naturally turned to liabilities We'd settled on the theme of a backyard carnival complete with a swing set a trampoline merry-go-round and a giant Slip n Slide So I carefully inspected the equipment for safety It all seemed sound We have a home on a bluff overlooking the ocean As it happened on the day of the party our neighbors were trimming their fichus trees We heard the sound of their wood chipper buzzing occasionally from the other side of our tall hedge It was a little irritating but not disruptive The party started off wonderfully A clown we'd hired made balloon animals Crispin eagerly opened his presents and all the children enjoyed cake and fruit punch The weather was mild the skies clear It seemed a perfect day Then we brought out the Slip n Slide The problem with water slides is what we in the trade call distributed water deficiency zones or in layman's terms dry spots If a child hits one of these it can put the brakes on the fun and send them sliding down a path of medical claims--contusions concussions lacerations abrasions whiplash back rash and disc impaction And that's just for starters From there it's a slippery slope toward major litigation To avoid even the remote possibility of such injuries I invested in this 55 gallon drum of water soluble personal lubricant--the idea being that the children could enjoy the slide in complete safety then wash off in the hose before their parents came to retrieve them With that in mind I dipped each child into the vat before allowing them to cue up for the slide The Slip n Slide itself performed admirably as did the lubricant That in fact was the problem Due to the slight downhill gradient of our yard the children built up so much speed that they skidded across the lawn and into a retaining wall at the other end of our property with sufficient force that I had to put an end to the activity I endeavored to roll up the mat--no easy task as the lawn surrounding the slide was itself now lubricated and I struggled to maintain my footing When I looked up from my labor I grasped for the first time the scope of the liabilities I had unleashed-a horde of extremely well-lubricated seven-year-olds hyped up on sugar and desperate for fun I saw young Eliza Gimmelman climb onto the trampoline She began jumping but the pad soon became so slick that she lost all control Her wild flailing unfortunately fell into harmonic synchronization with the motion of the springs propelling her ever higher until she soared above the trampoline's safety enclosure over the hedge and into the neighbor's yard There came a ghastly grinding sound and I could tell from the crimson plume that followed it would be a total loss Twins Jeremy and Mason Lafferty were on the swing set Having attained the swings' full range of motion they were apparently having difficulty holding on At that point the swings became human catapults Mason separated on the backswing arcing over the roof of our home toward the street beyond I surmised from the screeching tires car horns and screams of horror that he was also unrecoverable A terrified Jeremy soon lost his grip as well sailing forward over the bluff and plummeting 300 feet down into the ice-cold shark-infested waters of the San Francisco Bay An open claim but not promising The rest of the children were clinging to the merry-go-round Having just witnessed the violent deaths of at least two of their playmates they were no longer in the mood for fun However the lubricant had dripped from their glistening bodies into the central cog allowing it to spin far faster than it was designed to and this likely combined with other factors--their relative weight distribution the slight incline of the ground--caused their motion to become self-sustaining and the centrifugal force built upon itself until they became a blurry screaming disk of human suffering Then they began to fly off like cannon balls Martin Duckworth was the first to go causing significant structural damage to our greenhouse Lisa Aurelio shattered a line of ceramic garden gnomes and Ethan Green slammed into our Audi Q7 so hard it had to be written off--as tragically did he Several other children left what looked like gingerbread man indentations in the siding of our home It was terrifying When the wheel finally came to a stop there was only one child aboard As luck would have it it was our own beloved Crispin huddled in the center of the merry-go-round weeping My wife ran to him and hugged him with all the might of a relieved traumatized parent A little too hard as it turned out Lubricated as he was he shot from her arms like a wet bar of soap up fifteen feet in the air landed on the trampoline and then soared in a half-gainer over the hedge into the wood chipper Since then I've asked myself a thousand times is there anything I could have done differently? But in the end no actuary table could have predicted this bloodbath I can only conclude that this was an act of God And that to me is truly terrifying Because we're not covered for that novelty-gift-ideas Passion Lubes Meme

found @ 22 likes ON 2019-03-03 17:57:30 BY ME.ME

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