Dogs, Fall, and Family: If you ever drop your keys into a
 river of molten lava, let'em go,
 because man, they're gone
theoreticalconstruct:

truestoriesaboutme:

resting-meme-face:

is this Dark Water?

This is a Jack Handey quote, actually. People talk about certain writers shitposting before shitposting was a thing, but Jack Handey practically invented shitposting. He wrote these short nonsense one liners and they published them in the National Lampoon and played them on SNL in the 90s. There’s a shit ton of them and they all sound like shitposts. Here’s just a few:
“I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don’t just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.”
“Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It’s a shark riding on an elephant’s back, just trampling and eating everything they see.”
“To me, it’s always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, “Hey, can you give me a hand?,” you can say, “Sorry, got these sacks.“”
“If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I’d say Flippy, wouldn’t you? You’d be wrong, though. It’s Hambone.”
“I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale.  They look and look, but you know what?  They never find him.  And you know why they never find him?  It doesn’t say.  The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide.  Then, at the very end, there’s a page you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid.”
“If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?  We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.”
“If you’re an ant, and you’re walking along across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of that pudding skin”
“I wish I lived on a planet that had two suns—regular sun and “rogue” sun. That way, when somebody asked me what time it was, I’d say, “Regular time?” And they’d say, “Yeah.”  And I’d say, “Sorry, all I have is rogue time.”  It’d be fun to be a stuck-up rogue-time guy.”
“If you’re a cowboy, and you’re dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.”
“I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you’re having a good idea but it’s just eggs hatching.”
“If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it’s okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks.  But ONLY if you’re serious about adopting the vulture.”
“If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.”
“We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients.  But we can’t scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.”

There were so many of these, and they were all hilarious. Still are.
“It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.”
“The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.”
“I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every
culture, is the story of Popeye.”
 
“Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones
neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh,
because what is that thing.”
“The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me.
I remember we’d all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and
drive and drive. I’m not sure where we’d go, but I think there were some
trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played
whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called
“Dad.” We’d eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I
guess some things never leave you.”

theoreticalconstruct: truestoriesaboutme: resting-meme-face: is this Dark Water? This is a Jack Handey quote, actually. People talk about certain writers shitposting before shitposting was a thing, but Jack Handey practically invented shitposting. He wrote these short nonsense one liners and they published them in the National Lampoon and played them on SNL in the 90s. There’s a shit ton of them and they all sound like shitposts. Here’s just a few: “I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don’t just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.” “Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It’s a shark riding on an elephant’s back, just trampling and eating everything they see.” “To me, it’s always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, “Hey, can you give me a hand?,” you can say, “Sorry, got these sacks.“” “If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I’d say Flippy, wouldn’t you? You’d be wrong, though. It’s Hambone.” “I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale.  They look and look, but you know what?  They never find him.  And you know why they never find him?  It doesn’t say.  The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide.  Then, at the very end, there’s a page you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid.” “If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?  We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.” “If you’re an ant, and you’re walking along across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of that pudding skin” “I wish I lived on a planet that had two suns—regular sun and “rogue” sun. That way, when somebody asked me what time it was, I’d say, “Regular time?” And they’d say, “Yeah.”  And I’d say, “Sorry, all I have is rogue time.”  It’d be fun to be a stuck-up rogue-time guy.” “If you’re a cowboy, and you’re dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.” “I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you’re having a good idea but it’s just eggs hatching.” “If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it’s okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks.  But ONLY if you’re serious about adopting the vulture.” “If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.” “We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients.  But we can’t scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.” There were so many of these, and they were all hilarious. Still are. “It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.” “The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.” “I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.”   “Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.” “The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we’d all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I’m not sure where we’d go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called “Dad.” We’d eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.”

Dogs
Dogs
Fall
Fall
family
family
head
head
I Bet
I Bet
Kool Aid
Kool Aid
Lay's
Lay's
meme
meme
Saw
Saw
Scream
Scream
Sears
Sears
shit
shit
Smell
Smell
SNL
SNL
tumblr
tumblr
Say it
Say it
Shark
Shark
Animal
Animal
Blog
Blog
Book
Book
Brain
Brain
Dolphins
Dolphins
Drive
Drive
Elephant
Elephant
Free
Free
Good
Good
Guess
Guess
History
History
Home
Home
Horse
Horse
Http
Http
Lion
Lion
Okay
Okay
Rogue
Rogue
Stuff
Stuff
Tiger
Tiger
Time
Time
Trees
Trees
Water
Water
What Is
What Is
World
World
Cowboy
Cowboy
Hilarious
Hilarious
Mad
Mad
Strong
Strong
For No Good Reason
For No Good Reason
Hope
Hope
Never
Never
Nonsense
Nonsense
Popeye
Popeye
Reason
Reason
Vulture
Vulture
Shitposting
Shitposting
90's
90's
All The
All The
All the Time
All the Time
Back
Back
got
got
page
page
idea
idea
legend
legend
sun
sun
dark
dark
fun
fun
car
car
quote
quote
air
air
looking
looking
com
com
bet
bet
the national
the national
ant
ant
class
class
king
king
gone
gone
river
river
big
big
ideas
ideas
him
him
source
source
can
can
whale
whale
national lampoon
national lampoon
top
top
culture
culture
one
one
sound
sound
lava
lava
friend
friend
hole
hole
down
down
the reader
the reader
sears tower
sears tower
skin
skin
cry
cry
sport
sport
man
man
don
don
planet
planet
jack
jack
reader
reader
latch
latch
why
why
reading
reading
will
will
think
think
dark water
dark water
them
them
all
all
magazine
magazine
face
face
the world
the world
remember
remember
make
make
they
they
thing
thing
you
you
story
story
real
real
ship
ship
memories
memories
the face
the face
the time
the time
post
post
what
what
still
still
vultures
vultures
for
for
child
child
strength
strength
the car
the car
dummy
dummy
href
href
look
look
my family
my family
this
this
get
get
really
really
hey
hey
you mad
you mad
like
like
laugh
laugh
sure
sure
men
men
not sure
not sure
when you
when you
dead
dead
serious
serious
this is
this is
guy
guy
always
always
people
people
eat
eat
good idea
good idea
find
find
guys
guys
walking
walking
room
room
drop
drop
chose
chose
probably
probably
hand
hand
leaves
leaves
just
just
whatever
whatever
everything
everything
though
though
then
then
because
because
what time
what time
end
end
cutting
cutting
screech
screech
stuck
stuck
lick
lick
chihuahuas
chihuahuas
might
might
give me
give me
and then
and then
eating
eating
went
went
pile
pile
lampoon
lampoon
limp
limp
practically
practically
get it
get it
which one
which one
i think
i think
tricks
tricks
stuck up
stuck up
a cup
a cup
i guess
i guess
i remember
i remember
played
played
trampling
trampling
flippy
flippy
anybody
anybody
somebody
somebody
maybe
maybe
kool
kool
their
their
ever
ever
ton
ton
sacks
sacks
neck
neck
riding
riding
cavalier
cavalier
were
were
there
there
novel
novel
you know what
you know what
walk
 walk
no
 no
called
 called
something
 something
see
 see
things
 things
mouth
 mouth
way
 way
know
 know
wrong
 wrong
later
 later
say
 say
around
 around
in the world
 in the world
two
 two
cup
 cup
suns
 suns
keys
 keys
eggs
 eggs
tower
 tower
catch
 catch
faces
 faces
short
 short
just go
 just go
certain
 certain
already
 already
the 90s
 the 90s
big man
 big man
no idea
 no idea
my brain
 my brain
disaster
 disaster
all i have
 all i have
tumblr blog
 tumblr blog
molten lava
 molten lava
you know why
 you know why
what is that
 what is that
the sears tower
 the sears tower
take over the world
 take over the world
in-the-air
in-the-air
people-say
people-say
the-only-thing
the-only-thing
over
over
Laugh At
Laugh At
Shark Riding
Shark Riding
Size
Size
Off
Off
Just Trampling
Just Trampling
I See
I See
Talk
Talk
Forget
Forget
Leave
Leave
And
And
You Know
You Know
Here
Here
Wish
Wish
When
When
A Shit
A Shit
Pudding
Pudding
Actually
Actually
Older
Older
That
That
Dangerous
Dangerous
Try
Try
But
But
Not
Not
Where
Where
Is This
Is This
Writers
Writers
Meme Face
Meme Face
Looking For
Looking For
Give
Give
The
The
Not The
Not The
So Many
So Many
A Good
A Good
This Is A
This Is A
You Think
You Think
Make You
Make You
Theyre
Theyre
Your
Your
I Have
I Have
Its
Its
Part
Part
Would You
Would You
Every
Every
Take
Take
Many
Many
Shitposts
Shitposts
Kind
Kind
Liners
Liners
You Looked
You Looked
Resting
Resting
That Way
That Way
Men On
Men On
Few
Few
Shit Ton
Shit Ton
Hambone
Hambone
Scoff
Scoff
Especially
Especially
Very
Very
These
These
Liked
Liked
National
National
Think You
Think You
Feed
Feed
Bigger
Bigger
Know What
Know What
Behind
Behind
In My
In My
Bunch
Bunch
Was
Was
With
With
Takes
Takes
Dragging
Dragging
Screams
Screams
Are
Are
Have
Have
If You
If You
Aid
Aid
Lived
Lived
The Guy
The Guy
Culture Is
Culture Is
Had
Had
Tries
Tries
Of My
Of My
I Lived
I Lived
Two Guys
Two Guys
Eaten
Eaten
Screamed
Screamed
Because What
Because What
The Smell
The Smell
Which
Which
Only
Only
About
About
Tumblr Com
Tumblr Com
Between
Between
Throughout
Throughout
Teach
Teach
Recurring
Recurring
Before
Before
Being
Being
Most
Most
Cup Of
Cup Of
In My Head
In My Head
Someones
Someones
The Tiger
The Tiger
Wish I
Wish I
To You
To You
Decide
Decide
Beliefs
Beliefs
Says
Says
One Liners
One Liners
Along
Along
Even
Even
Some
Some
Bores
Bores
Carry
Carry
Good Reason
Good Reason
Could
Could
It Was
It Was
Having
Having
A Few
A Few
Tend
Tend
What Kind
What Kind
A Bunch Of
A Bunch Of
A Child
A Child
A Good Idea
A Good Idea
A King
A King
A Hole
A Hole
Already Dead
Already Dead
And You Know
And You Know
And You
And You
Bunch Of
Bunch Of
But I
But I
But It
But It
Can You
Can You
Fall Off
Fall Off
Find Him
Find Him
Get It Off
Get It Off
Give Me A Hand
Give Me A Hand
Give Me A
Give Me A
Have No Idea
Have No Idea
History In
History In
I Forget
I Forget
In The 90S
In The 90S
In The
In The
Into
Into
Is A
Is A
Is Not
Is Not
Is That
Is That
It All
It All
It Was I
It Was I
Jack Handey
Jack Handey
Just A
Just A
Like A
Like A
Look Like
Look Like
Molten
Molten
Most Dangerous
Most Dangerous
Most People
Most People
Never Leave
Never Leave
On A
On A
Or Not
Or Not
Time For
Time For
To Do
To Do
To Teach
To Teach
A Thing
A Thing
Across
Across
Hatching
Hatching
Have To
Have To
Have To Laugh
Have To Laugh
Invented
Invented
Know Why
Know Why
No Good
No Good
Onto
Onto
Personally
Personally
Published
Published
Say It All
Say It All
Sound Like
Sound Like
Talk About
Talk About
The Ancients
The Ancients
The Most
The Most
To Be
To Be
To Me
To Me
Doesn
Doesn
You Can
You Can
Would
Would
Have No
Have No
Me What
Me What
Me I
Me I
Take Over
Take Over
My Head
My Head
See Something
See Something
Tastes Like
Tastes Like
Me
Me
Forget What
Forget What
Was A
Was A
My
My
But We
But We
Wouldn
Wouldn
Asked
Asked
Named
Named
Because I
Because I
Think We
Think We
Some Good
Some Good
Why They
Why They
Wrote
Wrote
I Think We
I Think We
What They
What They
Good Ideas
Good Ideas
They Don
They Don
Bits
Bits
They Were
They Were
Looked
Looked
Then I
Then I
Be Fun
Be Fun
Can Say
Can Say
Would Be
Would Be
Idea But
Idea But
That Thing
That Thing
Tastes
Tastes
Be So
Be So
At
At
Adopting
Adopting
Think It
Think It
When Somebody
When Somebody
Bet There
Bet There
Keeps
Keeps
That Keeps
That Keeps
As We
As We
There Are
There Are
Only Thing
Only Thing
People Talk
People Talk
A
A
It
It
Blackness
Blackness
Alwaysed
Alwaysed
More Coffee
More Coffee
Users
Users
A Good
A Good
You Are
You Are
having fun
 having fun
cheaper
 cheaper
jeffe
 jeffe
when you wake up
 when you wake up

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava let'em go because man they're gone theoreticalconstruct truestoriesaboutme resting-meme-face is this Dark Water? This is a Jack Handey quote actually People talk about certain writers shitposting before shitposting was a thing but Jack Handey practically invented shitposting He wrote these short nonsense one liners and they published them in the National Lampoon and played them on SNL in the 90s There’s a shit ton of them and they all sound like shitposts Here’s just a few “I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they chose a king they don’t just go by size because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas” “Contrary to what most people say the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant It’s a shark riding on an elephant’s back just trampling and eating everything they see” “To me it’s always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around That way if anybody says “Hey can you give me a hand?” you can say “Sorry got these sacks“” “If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I’d say Flippy wouldn’t you? You’d be wrong though It’s Hambone” “I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale They look and look but you know what? They never find him And you know why they never find him? It doesn’t say The book leaves it up to you the reader to decide Then at the very end there’s a page you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid” “If trees could scream would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might if they screamed all the time for no good reason” “If you’re an ant and you’re walking along across the top of a cup of pudding you probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of that pudding skin” “I wish I lived on a planet that had two suns—regular sun and “rogue” sun That way when somebody asked me what time it was I’d say “Regular time?” And they’d say “Yeah” And I’d say “Sorry all I have is rogue time” It’d be fun to be a stuck-up rogue-time guy” “If you’re a cowboy and you’re dragging a guy behind your horse I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine” “I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain because later you might think you’re having a good idea but it’s just eggs hatching” “If your friend is already dead and being eaten by vultures I think it’s okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures to teach him to do some tricks But ONLY if you’re serious about adopting the vulture” “If you ever fall off the Sears Tower just go real limp because maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because hey free dummy” “We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients But we can’t scoff at them personally to their faces and this is what annoys me” There were so many of these and they were all hilarious Still are “It takes a big man to cry but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man” “The face of a child can say it all especially the mouth part of the face” “I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history in every culture is the story of Popeye” “Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck and the guy screams and tries to get it off I have to laugh because what is that thing” “The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me I remember we’d all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive I’m not sure where we’d go but I think there were some trees there The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played I remember a bigger older guy we called “Dad” We’d eat some stuff or not and then I think we went home I guess some things never leave you” Meme

found @ 27 likes ON 2019-10-31 18:32:55 BY ME.ME

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