So Bad I Lost Control It All Really Was the Sweetest Thing I've Ever Had and Sometimes So Good It Freaked Me Out JUL 27 2018 AT 710 PM and Yeah I'm the One With the Obvious Underlying Issues Here Ones I Don't Completely Understand So Moving Forward With What I Know Is the Only Way I Can Deal With That Sort of Stuff for Now One of Those Things I Know Is You Were Great to Be With and I Probably Freaked Out Wondering if I Was Good Enough Ready Enough Tried to Know if I Was Stacked to Win or Not Before I Went All in I Was Waiting on a Sign From the Heavens and Deluded Myself Into Thinking It Couldn't Be Real When I Didnt Get One I Thought You Must Be a Liar Because I Didn't Trust Anything or Anyone Here but Myself I Tried to Walk Around Your Mind and Control Things and Change Things and It's Stupid and Never Fixes Anything With peopleThen Waited for a Sign From Heaven That Losing You Was the Right Thing and Got So Messed Up It's Hard to Think About When the Whole Time for Heaven's Sake All I Wanted Was You and Your Love and Fuck I Kept Second Guessing Myself Waiting on Some Magical Green Light Some Guaranteed Odds a Stacked Table Full Family Approval of Everything Not Opporrunities to Enjoy It and Love You and Keep You I Broke Too Many Rules Crossed Too Many Lines and Yeah I Never Realize That Stuff in Time Controlling Myself Has Been Hard With So Many Pressures From So Many People and It'll Be Hard to Imagine Enjoying Anything More Than Our Midnight Excursions Into Each Other's Eyes Cheesy I Know but That Shit Is Worth It Keeps Me Going Still When I Lived on My Own and Things Seemed Simpler I Knew What I Wanted and Moment to Moment You Were Always a Part of That I Got Hung Up Waiting for a Sign From Heaven or Family or Friends Things Were Right I Only Trusted Myself and Mysticism Got Lost in Paranoia Forgot What I Really Wanted a Sweet Girl Who Loves Me Oh Well Too Late Poor Me I Guess Enjoy Your Travels From Here I Wish We Were Still Going Places Together Wish I Woulda Chased It With Less Reservation but Here We Are Thanks to Doubt and Fear and Jealousy and Mistrust and All That Nasty Shit Inside I Keep Dreaming of the Day It's Bled Dry but Bible Says That Happened 2000 Years Ago So I'll Be Okay I Just Know What It Is to Be a Fool Now Blind With Pride I Know a Woman Can Be So Sweet You Feel at Home Wherever With Them This One Is Sad to Know Now but I Also Learned How Much of a Prized Little Gem You Are and True Joy of a Woman to Be With and Around I Know Now It's Easy to Lose Your Head When You Keep Anxiously Thinking You're in Over It Waiting for God to Get You Married or Pull You Out Here We Are and I'm So Sorry for All of This I Hope You Might Miss Me Too but I'll Try to Understand You Just Doing What You Think You Have toI Just Know I Do That Too Much JUL 28 2018 AT 748 PM I'm Just Stuck Going Through Early Memories Today Like When You First Met My Parents First Stayed at My Place First Time at Cottage With My Friends Getting a Couple Drinks Tonight to Catch Up Sounds Like What I'd Wanna Do More Than Anything Haha Humbling to Admit but Can't Help It I Will Be Around Too Much of You in My Nead Still Making Me Smile and I'd Like to Wear It for a Long Time So l'Ll Be Nice I'm Sorry for Leaving You With Cringey Memories You Really Didnt Give Me Many of Those I Made Those Because I Was Too Emotionally Insecure to Hold Your Whole Heart Felt likeI Had to Carry Your Whole Soul Myself When I Never Did the Pressure Was Never Your Fault but Hell I Like You l'D Love to Hang Out for a Bit Shoot Me Down if You Must It Doesn't Make Me Angry I Understand if That's Just Uncomfortable for You JUL 28 2018 AT 837 PM You Can Say Whatever You Want to Me No Is Fine! JUL 28 2018 AT 851 PM I'm at a Family Party So No Thank You and I've Said I Dont Want to See You at All Several Times JUL 28 2018 AT 1031 PM Thanks for Letting Me Know Have a Great Night JUL 28 2018 AT 1105 PM I Appreciate Your Kindness and Reflections and I'm Glad You're Doing Better Thanks for Understanding Goodnight JUL 29 2018 AT 1008 PM When You Said That Realistically You'd Let Yourself Casually Sleep With People Again in a Few Months Do You Think You Really Meant That? I Never Even Said That You Just Claimed I Did When I Said I Would End Up Dating Again Lol No I Dont Want to but It's Not Your Concern at All and Your Obsession With the Topic Just Seems Like Your Trying to Justify Your Own Inclinations I Really Was Hoping to Not Have to Be Petty and Totally Block You but Its Come to That for realYou Just Cant Stop JUL 29 2018 AT 1100 PM No You Said Realistically Ya That's Probably Going to Happen Ill Probably Be Having Casual Sex With People Not Person in a Few Months? Said You'd Rather Have Love but Realistically You'd Be Having Casual Sex With People Looking for It on the Phone to Me? But Regardless Do You Think You Meant It or Not Is All I Asked No Bye My Ex After HE Dumped ME for the 3rd Time and I Kept It Permanent Ultimately Had to Change My Phone Number and I've Received Over 1000 Unanswered Messages to My Old Email From Him