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Asian, Fucking, and God: THE ONION EDITION 10c FINEST AMERICAN NEWS SOURCE MAN WALKS ON FUCKING MOON NEIL ARMSTRONG'S HISTORIC FIRST WORDS ON MOON HOLY LIVING FUCK' THE MOON Jesus fucking down in the moon's low gravity The distant, lonely, mysterious colleague on the lunar surface. satellite that has tascinated Hl, yeah Hell yeah," an mankind since the dawn of time ecstatie Aldrin said, pumping astronauts Neil Armstrong and lt's like I told you on the way down on the Sea of Tranquty his shipmate. "Remember?I told in the lunar module Eagle andyou this was going to be fucking Chris Houston. We're on the spent two hours engaged in bove: Neil Armstrong on the surface of the fucking moon chological preparations for the to the capsule. Their intense 18 un-fucking-believableness f month NASA training period- the next phase of the operation, the primary unction of which earthlings watched on televi- credible nature of their mis- ed the tour steps leading out of at one point Armstrong had to the module, pause, and tooksit down and take several deep one small but epoch-making breaths. "just so I dont fueking HOUSTON:Roer. Tranquility 250,000 miles away. " abso-seientists at press time still fucking-lutely am standing oncouldnot eve begin to fucking TRANQUILITY; [t wasa smooth The Earth as seen Ho y Jesus the sur ace of the moon rom the surfaceof the fuckingmoon conceive I am talking to you from the The astronauts also planted an goddamned fueking moon. JesusAmerican flag in the ground H. Christ in a chicken basketongside a plaque reading, in Holy mother of tuck," the first part: "This plaque, placed here Christ's sake. the moon. Over. HOUSTON: You're clear, Tran- pause.) HOUSTON: Roger that. You're quility. Proceed. Over. clear for T1, walkingon lhe, TRANQUILITY: Can see the| TRANQUILITY: Holy 〔pause) Lunar Module ootpads de- living (long pause) fuck. (Long man on the moon added. Roger, no fucking doubt about rom the planet around which it," Mission Controller Peterthis celestial body orbits, will Lovell replied. A-fucking-fir- rest undisturbed on this spot for HOUSTON: You're cleared to, the goddamned moon· (Long| copy? Conveyor. To walk (pause HOUSTON: We read you. Over ing believing this? Over fucking walk on the moon. TRANQUILITY: Footpads depHOUSTON: We read you. Over Eight minutes later, as Armholy living tuck. Can you believe E CAN PUT A MAN ON THE tou uieeakendMOON, BUT WE CAN'T BOMB TRANQUILITY: LEC attached. Surface is powdery. One more lutely am standing on the sur- pause.) I'm hypervnlating.talking to you from the god- HOUSTON: Everything okay,Hold on. r. (lang0ujSsriotinchskn bastA TINY ASIAN NATION INTO the ladder. Can see the Eath, TRANQUILITY: I'm on the bot- THANQUILITY Holy mother THE STONE AGE? A newspaper from July 21st, 1969
Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, and Michael: Michael Collins watches Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin from the Command Module (1969)

Michael Collins watches Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin from the Command Module (1969)

Fucking, Love, and Nasa: SO NASA..CAN YOU EXPLAIN HOW YOU GOT THAT DUNE BUGGY INSIDE THAT LUNAR MODULE? Whoa guys, I just got a wild idea. I'm just putting this out there what if it can fold up to fit inside? LRDEPLOYMENT SEQUENCE WHOA LOOK AT THAT IT CAN FOLD IN HALF TO FIT INSIDE THE LM AND THEN ALL THEY HAVE TO DO WHEN THEY GET TO THE MOON IS PULL THIS THING TO UNFOLD IT AND GET IT OUT AT THE SAME TIME THIS IS SO CLEVER I'M SHOOK yes we can THERE WAS A SHOW CALLED MOON MACHINES THAT DID AN ENTIRE ONE HOUR EPISODE ON THE LUNAR ROVER! IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO EXIST BUT THEN SOMEONE REALIZED THERE WAS A TINY WEDGE SPACED VOID BETWEEN THE LANDING STRUTS THAT COULD FIT A TINY SOMETHING! A PAIR OF FORD EMPLOYEES FIGURED OUT HOW TO ORIGAMI DECEPTICON A TINY CAR INTO THAT SHIT AND USED A GI JOE TOY TO BUILD A MODEL VERSION THAT THEY RC DROVE INTO WERNER VON BRAUN'S OFFICE! Sorry for the all caps, but the lunar rover is honestly one of the coolest fucking engineering accomplishments of all time and deserves to be recognized as such We've got a tiny space, we might be able to fit something extra in on the descent ship. ·Hey, wouldn't it be fucking sweet if they had a moon go- kart that folded up? IT FUCKING WILL BE SWEET BECAUSE IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN NOW I always love how badly moon truthers underestimate the reality of the Apollo program Do you not immediately understand something but don't want to do any research to try to understand it? Then you might have the chops to be a conspiracy theorist! And don't worry! If you do accidentally absorb some new information that contradicts your ignorance, claim the evidence was faked! It's almost TOO easy! Sign up today!