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Ass, Baseball, and Fall: jpg (46 KB, 1024x683) No.46363786 Anonymous 18 min. ago >be me >working register at mcd's like a fucking wagie mom and son come up >absolute units, their hands were fucking round perfectly fucking round, like a baseball little blob holding a small fish bowl, maybe they came back from Walmart after getting a fish poor fish, probably doesn't even get his ration of the fish food one of those families that has each family member go up to order for themselves hate these kinds of families mama blob starts ordering out of breath from standing in line >slams her elbows down onto the counter to rest while ordering could have fucking swore i heard the counter rumble yaah *pant* could i have a *pant* ahhhhh *pant* big Mac *pant* make that two actually... *pant* no three.... and a *pant* basket of fries and *pant* a large diet coke sweat beads fall down from her chins onto the table breathes in sharply struggles to take elbows off of table finally accomplishes the task finally accomplishes the task two huge wet marks take up the register section those are her fucking elbows her elbows actually fucking sweated little blob comes up to order "can i have 2 big Macs pant* a basket of fries.. *pant* make that two actually *pant* and a large diet Coke *pant* brings fish bowl out onto counter "and... *pant* fill this up *pant* with chocolate *pant* milkshake >a fucking fishbowl sorry, our largest size is a large. we cannot fill things that aren't McDonalds cups mama blob starts throwing a tantrum "HE WANTS HIS FUCKING MILKSHAKE SO GIVE IT TO HIM" maam, we cann >"LET ME SPEAK TO YOUR GOD DAMN MANAGER go get manager >he just repeats what I said tells her she can buy about 10 large milkshakes to fill it if she wants "DAS TOO EXPENSIVE!!!" "TOO MUCH CALORIES!!!" >me and manager stare at each other did she really just say that mama blob sees us looking at each other cont. whole restaurant has been quiet this whole time just looking at us >mama blob hears something turns her body to look backward >a gentle greasy breeze hits me >sees a couple people snickering turns back around "YOURE EMBARRASSING ME!!" >me and manager stay silent tears start to well up in her eyes could have just been sweat though face turns redder grabs her son's hand "WE'RE NEVER EATING HERE AGAIN!" >something deep down told me that wasn't true >pulls her son's hand waddles out hear her panting as she opens the door notice something >me and manager both notice it look at each other there was something brown in the middle of Hammy's ass could it be could it fucking be look at her legs brown liquid streaking the inside of her right leg >she sharted >she actually fucking sharted and left a brown trail had to febreeze the fuck out of that place for 5 minutes janitor almost puked cleaning it up Hammy & Boy: A Shitty Quest for Fishbowl Milkshake
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College, Confused, and Huh: canadianstuck One of the funniest things I ever experienced was when I went to go see John Mulaney live, and halfway through a bit about how expensive college in the States is, he looked down at the sleeve of his suit jacket and just. stopped. dead halt, mid sentence And after like three seconds, where we're all trying to figure out the punchline because the story clearly hadn't ended, and John Mulaney quietly says, "Has there been tinfoil on my buttons the whole goddamn show?" He'd taken his suit to the drycleaner, and they'd wrapped the buttons on the sleeves and the coat with tinfoil to protect them, and John Mulaney didn't notice until half-way through his set, and was SO FLABBERGASTED that he never did finish the story about college and instead did five minutes on how stupid it was that his buttons were reflecting the light and he just didn't notice, and in that moment I understood more about John Mulaney as a person than I ever have meme-team-risk-analyst during one of his portland shows, he noticed this like 7 year old girl in the front row and asked her (and her parents) if she 'is aware that she is physically here right now or if she was just brought along. turns out her favorite john mulaney bit is the "and I'm new in town bit and that she's seen all his stuff. He was so shocked and discomforted by the fact a SEVEN YEAR OLD has seen his shows that he couldn't get through a bit about donating to charity without interupting himself at least three times to import good life lessons on this small child, as if that makes up for all the horrible things he's said that she heard sammysausage When I saw him in Ft. Lauderdale, there was a bar in the lobby that people kept leaving to go to. At one point, a guy in the front row just got up and BOOKED IT to get drinks. John Mulaney looked over at a woman who was next to the empty seat and asked, "Are you with him? What's his name?" She was, in fact, with him, and she did tell him her date's name. John Mulaney considered this, looked around, and unplugged his microphone. Leaning in to us, he told us that we were going to trick this guy so fuckin hard. He said, "At some point during the show, I am going to stop and say, "Well, you guys know what they say here in Ft. Lauderdale,' and then you guys are all going to scream back 'WE LOVE MILKSHAKES! He'll be so confused He then continued on with the show as normal, the drinks guy returned to his seat, and that was that for quite a long time. We thought he had forgotten about it until, at some point during what I believe was his McDonald's drive-thru bit, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "You guys know what they say here in Ft. Lauderdale.." Naturally, we erupted with "WE LOVE MILKSHAKES and John Mulaney SWUNG around to face the drinks guy and said, "T bet you're real confused now huh, JASON?! windyvalleyzone ah so john mulaney is a chaotic neutral cryptid John Mulaney, tumblrs favorite stand up comedian
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