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A Dream, Christmas, and Instagram: cacen so at the bar in which I work, there's an unofficial rule that all of our door staff must have names that start with D or rhyme with 'doorman', which has led to me be- friending a trio of six foot four men with beards called Doorman Logan, Doorman Drew, and Doorman Dan now, let me tell you now that Doorman Dan is the abso- lute love of my life. I don't care that he's a decade older than me and has a fiance. you know when someone is so extraordinary or impossible to define that they're simply referred to as 'a character? that's Doorman Dan. now, before I get into his personality, let's describe his appearance. imagine the most stereotypical Scand inavian person ever: tall, white-blond, strong-jawed. now, add a heavy South Walian accent and an orange jumper. that's Doorman Dan. since meeting him last year, I've discovered .he once had a dream that he had a tattoo that said 'shit happens' on his left arsecheek, so when he woke up he decided he had to fulfil the prophecy and got it tattooed on his arse by a bloke called Junkie Jeff at 9AM .he forgot to call his girlfriend for three months while he was in the army, and was complet unaware they had broken up until he wishe happy Christmas and she responded with what the fuck Dan .accidentally married his army buddy in Vegas for thirty-six hours .he saw someone beating up a guy for being gay, and instead of jumping in and fighting back he decided to get absolutely bollock-naked and stand in front of the homophobe until he got freaked out and ran off .he has a millionare buddy who rings him up once a month for 'mystery adventures', one of which has resulted in Doorman Dan no longer being allowed inside any John Lewis shops .he is convinced the love of his life is not his fiancee, but a man named Ned. upon being asked who Ned is, he shrugged and responded with: "TII know when I meet him. .he runs an Instagram account dedicated to his pet rabbits and refuses to let people into the bar unless they follow him his fiancee booked a wedding venue before he even proposed. "I don't even know if I'm invited, truth be told." when he caught a couple having sex in our loos, he didn't want to intrude so he just gently knocked on the door and asked if they'd like a snack . .he has created his own non-alcoholic cocktail called Doorman's Sunrise because he feels left out being the only person on the dance floor without a drink when he's patrolling the bar I could honestly write a ten-season sitcom about him cacen BIG OL UPDATE: HE GOT MARRIED LAST WEEK!!!! zohbugg I need 10 seasons and a movie about the life of Doorman Dan thecheshirecass I look forward to reading more about the loving, polyamorous relationship he and his wife develop with Ned when they finally meet. fuckveahdiomedes What's the instagram for the rabbits, op? Source: cacen 114,993 notes The adventures of doorman dan
Anna, Clothes, and Crazy: $42% 14:45 Anna Today 12:10 I haven't seen you in forever Have you been visiting your fellow angels up in Heaven? Ps. Always wanted to use this as a text opener Are you my wallet? Because l want to fill you up Ps. I just had nothing to respond with so I saw my empty wallet. Today 13:00o Do you like vegetables, Because i like you from head tomatoesb At least something is empty Are you a salad, because l'd stay away from you until there was some meat in you Let's do some math. Add bed subtract clothes, divide legs, and multiply My tongue hasn't been to the gym in a while, mind sitting on my face and letting my tongue work out? Do you want to do 68? go down on you, and you owe you Are you my TV because i need to beat you to make you work Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause l can see myself in your pants! Let's recreate our parents lives I act like I love you, I get you pregnant and then go move to the middle East under a different identity Oh that would be lovely. When and where? They say your tongue is the strongest muscle in your body Want to fight? I'd like to request a handicap, my tongue isn't strong enough to fight your tongue, How about I fight your clit? Today 14:02 Did your license get suspended for driving all these tinder girls crazy? I think you should bulk up a bit,I can offer some of my protein to you Today 14:41 Would you f*ck a stranger? No? Then let me introduce myself, my name is Anna I also require a phone number before I fuck someone, consider that my engagement proposal Sent Type a message.... GIF The pick up line show down of 2019