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kingantlion: smallest-feeblest-boggart: ego-ann-16: phantoms-lair: ankaa-avarshina: lorem64: ankaa-avarshina: lorem64: I’m so confused why he would think cookie dough would give him salmonella??? What parent told him this. There’s no chicken in there! Two words: Raw eggs. ?? What kind of world do you live in where Raw eggs carry salmonella or are in anyway unsafe Don’t ask me, ask them Americans. I’m an Asian just passing the word on *deep breath* Though the risk is small, raw eggs can carry samonella. MORE THREATENINGLY Raw wheat can carry E. Coli. However, if you don’t mind making your own cookie dough, you can easily make it safely. Take your standard recipe. Omit the eggs. Eggs serve as a binding agent to hold the cookie together. Since we’re eating the dough raw, that’s not needed. Take the flour, put it in a pan and bake it at 350 for 7 minutes. Any E. Coli is now dead. Just mix the rest of the ingredients together as the recipe is called for and BAM, perfectly safe edible cookie dough. Thank u so fucking much for this wisdom wait you’re telling my i can get E, Coli just FROM EATING FLOUR straight from the bag??? Why..why are you eating flour straight from the bag? : kingantlion: smallest-feeblest-boggart: ego-ann-16: phantoms-lair: ankaa-avarshina: lorem64: ankaa-avarshina: lorem64: I’m so confused why he would think cookie dough would give him salmonella??? What parent told him this. There’s no chicken in there! Two words: Raw eggs. ?? What kind of world do you live in where Raw eggs carry salmonella or are in anyway unsafe Don’t ask me, ask them Americans. I’m an Asian just passing the word on *deep breath* Though the risk is small, raw eggs can carry samonella. MORE THREATENINGLY Raw wheat can carry E. Coli. However, if you don’t mind making your own cookie dough, you can easily make it safely. Take your standard recipe. Omit the eggs. Eggs serve as a binding agent to hold the cookie together. Since we’re eating the dough raw, that’s not needed. Take the flour, put it in a pan and bake it at 350 for 7 minutes. Any E. Coli is now dead. Just mix the rest of the ingredients together as the recipe is called for and BAM, perfectly safe edible cookie dough. Thank u so fucking much for this wisdom wait you’re telling my i can get E, Coli just FROM EATING FLOUR straight from the bag??? Why..why are you eating flour straight from the bag?
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kingantlion: smallest-feeblest-boggart: ego-ann-16: phantoms-lair: ankaa-avarshina: lorem64: ankaa-avarshina: lorem64: I’m so confused why he would think cookie dough would give him salmonella??? What parent told him this. There’s no chicken in there! Two words: Raw eggs. ?? What kind of world do you live in where Raw eggs carry salmonella or are in anyway unsafe Don’t ask me, ask them Americans. I’m an Asian just passing the word on *deep breath* Though the risk is small, raw eggs can carry samonella. MORE THREATENINGLY Raw wheat can carry E. Coli. However, if you don’t mind making your own cookie dough, you can easily make it safely. Take your standard recipe. Omit the eggs. Eggs serve as a binding agent to hold the cookie together. Since we’re eating the dough raw, that’s not needed. Take the flour, put it in a pan and bake it at 350 for 7 minutes. Any E. Coli is now dead. Just mix the rest of the ingredients together as the recipe is called for and BAM, perfectly safe edible cookie dough. Thank u so fucking much for this wisdom wait you’re telling my i can get E, Coli just FROM EATING FLOUR straight from the bag??? Why..why are you eating flour straight from the bag? : Dylan Reneau @DylanReneau Unpopular opinion: cookie dough is worth taking the risk of getting salmonella @logancooper14 Dylan pull yourself together and go get a damn spoon. It's cookie dough not a beefy 5 layer burrito have some class kingantlion: smallest-feeblest-boggart: ego-ann-16: phantoms-lair: ankaa-avarshina: lorem64: ankaa-avarshina: lorem64: I’m so confused why he would think cookie dough would give him salmonella??? What parent told him this. There’s no chicken in there! Two words: Raw eggs. ?? What kind of world do you live in where Raw eggs carry salmonella or are in anyway unsafe Don’t ask me, ask them Americans. I’m an Asian just passing the word on *deep breath* Though the risk is small, raw eggs can carry samonella. MORE THREATENINGLY Raw wheat can carry E. Coli. However, if you don’t mind making your own cookie dough, you can easily make it safely. Take your standard recipe. Omit the eggs. Eggs serve as a binding agent to hold the cookie together. Since we’re eating the dough raw, that’s not needed. Take the flour, put it in a pan and bake it at 350 for 7 minutes. Any E. Coli is now dead. Just mix the rest of the ingredients together as the recipe is called for and BAM, perfectly safe edible cookie dough. Thank u so fucking much for this wisdom wait you’re telling my i can get E, Coli just FROM EATING FLOUR straight from the bag??? Why..why are you eating flour straight from the bag?
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captain-snark: lonely-vault-boy: lord-kitschener: leggo-my-steggo: agirlwithachakram: labellabrianna: gahdamnpunk: women just can’t win.. I’ve had to bring my daughter into work with me a couple times. 🤷🏽‍♀️ How about: Really, Dunkin’ Donuts? You don’t pay enough for this woman to get childcare or paid maternity leave? How about: Really, America? You don’t have childcare and maternity leave covered as a standard right? but also fuck Dunkin’ Donuts too I hope that bitch-ass snitch never has another good day again for a long time Okay, yeah, sure, maternity leave and shit is understandable, but what I believe what the picture (correct me if I’m wrong) is implying is that it’s unsanitary as fuck to have a child behind the counter where the food is. (At least, at all the Dunkin’ Donuts I’ve been to, they openly display the donuts.) Listen, I’ve gone to dunkin donuts where the men’s bathroom looked like the toilet threw up and watched several employees and a manager USE the bathroom and just leave without giving a fuck.Been to a dunkin donuts where a friend asked an employee to make sure her drink was half ice and the woman put something in her drink.Is it sanitary? No, obviously not. Do you think employees at Dunkin Donuts and other places get paid enough to give a shit about health and safety when they don’t make enough to take care about their own health and safety?No, probably not.I’d rather get this kid’s cold on my donut than go to fucking Chipotle and get e coli because i ate some lettuce.I’d also rather the kid give people his sickness than him getting accidentally scalded by hot water. Lets also talk about the times where people of color have had to leave their kids in mall food courts and the like in order to either go to work/job interview whatever and have been arrested for child abandonment.Capitalism is a fucking joke.: oyal HighnesS Follow @FlawdazFinest86 Really @DunkinDonuts? 2:45 PM - 18 Nov 2017 from Dunkin' Donuts 543 Retweets 2,626 Likes Raphael Follow @iam_raph Do you think this woman would prefer to carry around her child at work if she had another choice? You have no clue what the back story is behind this pic but here you are, snitching on what could probably be a single mother dedicated to making sure her son can eat. Wild Royal Highness@FlawdazFinest86 Really @DunkinDonuts? 11:25 AM 20 Nov 2017 149,586 Retweets 366,288 Likes captain-snark: lonely-vault-boy: lord-kitschener: leggo-my-steggo: agirlwithachakram: labellabrianna: gahdamnpunk: women just can’t win.. I’ve had to bring my daughter into work with me a couple times. 🤷🏽‍♀️ How about: Really, Dunkin’ Donuts? You don’t pay enough for this woman to get childcare or paid maternity leave? How about: Really, America? You don’t have childcare and maternity leave covered as a standard right? but also fuck Dunkin’ Donuts too I hope that bitch-ass snitch never has another good day again for a long time Okay, yeah, sure, maternity leave and shit is understandable, but what I believe what the picture (correct me if I’m wrong) is implying is that it’s unsanitary as fuck to have a child behind the counter where the food is. (At least, at all the Dunkin’ Donuts I’ve been to, they openly display the donuts.) Listen, I’ve gone to dunkin donuts where the men’s bathroom looked like the toilet threw up and watched several employees and a manager USE the bathroom and just leave without giving a fuck.Been to a dunkin donuts where a friend asked an employee to make sure her drink was half ice and the woman put something in her drink.Is it sanitary? No, obviously not. Do you think employees at Dunkin Donuts and other places get paid enough to give a shit about health and safety when they don’t make enough to take care about their own health and safety?No, probably not.I’d rather get this kid’s cold on my donut than go to fucking Chipotle and get e coli because i ate some lettuce.I’d also rather the kid give people his sickness than him getting accidentally scalded by hot water. Lets also talk about the times where people of color have had to leave their kids in mall food courts and the like in order to either go to work/job interview whatever and have been arrested for child abandonment.Capitalism is a fucking joke.
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trekmemes: ohnoagremlin: gahdamnpunk: AND a race one since the most affected regions will be Africa, Asia and Oceania as a friend pointed out, this headline makes it sound like supply will be dwindling. supply is fine. people will be *priced out*. this is fucking MURDER. insulin has been mass produced (from animal extracts) since -1923-. slow acting insulin has existed since the ‘50s, and ‘human’ genetically engineered insulin (derived from E. coli bacteria) has existed since 1982. insulin treatment for diabetes is not some new or ‘unproven’ treatment. according to beyondtype1, “Humalog rapid-acting insulin came on to the market with a list price of $21 a vial in 1997.” adjusting for inflation, a vial these days should cost about $34 at most. instead, it costs over $300. there is NO reason for it to be steadily gaining in price to the point that diabetics are unable to afford their lifesaving medication, other than the sheer inhuman greed of pharmaceutical manufacturers. let me reiterate: life without insulin (for Type 1 diabetics in particular) is a slow and painful death sentence. the ability to treat diabetes is a relatively modern phenomenon that has allowed countless people to live full, healthy lives. we should be expanding full covereage and access to insulin to diabetics the world over, and it should be FREE. : CNN @CNN CAN Follow 40 million people with diabetes will be left without insulin by 2030, a new study predicts cnn.it/2RdoAg7 2:45 PM 24 Nov 2018 ·IC@ 1,000 Retweets 1,355 Likes Saintも @saintbt? Follow This is class genocide CNN @CNN 40 million people with diabetes will be left without insulin by 2030, a new study predicts cnn.it/2RdoAg7 7:05 PM - 24 Nov 2018 2,179 Retweets 7.765 Likes trekmemes: ohnoagremlin: gahdamnpunk: AND a race one since the most affected regions will be Africa, Asia and Oceania as a friend pointed out, this headline makes it sound like supply will be dwindling. supply is fine. people will be *priced out*. this is fucking MURDER. insulin has been mass produced (from animal extracts) since -1923-. slow acting insulin has existed since the ‘50s, and ‘human’ genetically engineered insulin (derived from E. coli bacteria) has existed since 1982. insulin treatment for diabetes is not some new or ‘unproven’ treatment. according to beyondtype1, “Humalog rapid-acting insulin came on to the market with a list price of $21 a vial in 1997.” adjusting for inflation, a vial these days should cost about $34 at most. instead, it costs over $300. there is NO reason for it to be steadily gaining in price to the point that diabetics are unable to afford their lifesaving medication, other than the sheer inhuman greed of pharmaceutical manufacturers. let me reiterate: life without insulin (for Type 1 diabetics in particular) is a slow and painful death sentence. the ability to treat diabetes is a relatively modern phenomenon that has allowed countless people to live full, healthy lives. we should be expanding full covereage and access to insulin to diabetics the world over, and it should be FREE.
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bigpandulce: kingantlion: smallest-feeblest-boggart: ego-ann-16: phantoms-lair: ankaa-avarshina: lorem64: ankaa-avarshina: lorem64: I’m so confused why he would think cookie dough would give him salmonella??? What parent told him this. There’s no chicken in there! Two words: Raw eggs. ?? What kind of world do you live in where Raw eggs carry salmonella or are in anyway unsafe Don’t ask me, ask them Americans. I’m an Asian just passing the word on *deep breath* Though the risk is small, raw eggs can carry samonella. MORE THREATENINGLY Raw wheat can carry E. Coli. However, if you don’t mind making your own cookie dough, you can easily make it safely. Take your standard recipe. Omit the eggs. Eggs serve as a binding agent to hold the cookie together. Since we’re eating the dough raw, that’s not needed. Take the flour, put it in a pan and bake it at 350 for 7 minutes. Any E. Coli is now dead. Just mix the rest of the ingredients together as the recipe is called for and BAM, perfectly safe edible cookie dough. Thank u so fucking much for this wisdom wait you’re telling my i can get E, Coli just FROM EATING FLOUR straight from the bag??? Why..why are you eating flour straight from the bag? U can also get from cucumberssss : Dylan Reneau @DylanReneau Unpopular opinion: cookie dough is worth taking the risk of getting salmonella @logancooper14 Dylan pull yourself together and go get a damn spoon. It's cookie dough not a beefy 5 layer burrito have some class bigpandulce: kingantlion: smallest-feeblest-boggart: ego-ann-16: phantoms-lair: ankaa-avarshina: lorem64: ankaa-avarshina: lorem64: I’m so confused why he would think cookie dough would give him salmonella??? What parent told him this. There’s no chicken in there! Two words: Raw eggs. ?? What kind of world do you live in where Raw eggs carry salmonella or are in anyway unsafe Don’t ask me, ask them Americans. I’m an Asian just passing the word on *deep breath* Though the risk is small, raw eggs can carry samonella. MORE THREATENINGLY Raw wheat can carry E. Coli. However, if you don’t mind making your own cookie dough, you can easily make it safely. Take your standard recipe. Omit the eggs. Eggs serve as a binding agent to hold the cookie together. Since we’re eating the dough raw, that’s not needed. Take the flour, put it in a pan and bake it at 350 for 7 minutes. Any E. Coli is now dead. Just mix the rest of the ingredients together as the recipe is called for and BAM, perfectly safe edible cookie dough. Thank u so fucking much for this wisdom wait you’re telling my i can get E, Coli just FROM EATING FLOUR straight from the bag??? Why..why are you eating flour straight from the bag? U can also get from cucumberssss
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alexander: thyrell: kingantlion: smallest-feeblest-boggart: ego-ann-16: phantoms-lair: ankaa-avarshina: lorem64: ankaa-avarshina: lorem64: I’m so confused why he would think cookie dough would give him salmonella??? What parent told him this. There’s no chicken in there! Two words: Raw eggs. ?? What kind of world do you live in where Raw eggs carry salmonella or are in anyway unsafe Don’t ask me, ask them Americans. I’m an Asian just passing the word on *deep breath* Though the risk is small, raw eggs can carry samonella. MORE THREATENINGLY Raw wheat can carry E. Coli. However, if you don’t mind making your own cookie dough, you can easily make it safely. Take your standard recipe. Omit the eggs. Eggs serve as a binding agent to hold the cookie together. Since we’re eating the dough raw, that’s not needed. Take the flour, put it in a pan and bake it at 350 for 7 minutes. Any E. Coli is now dead. Just mix the rest of the ingredients together as the recipe is called for and BAM, perfectly safe edible cookie dough. Thank u so fucking much for this wisdom wait you’re telling my i can get E, Coli just FROM EATING FLOUR straight from the bag??? Why..why are you eating flour straight from the bag? well i was using it as an alternative to romaine lettuce but i guess ill go fuck myself :/ Who the fuck puts flour in cookie dough???? : Dylan Reneau @DylanReneau Unpopular opinion: cookie dough is worth taking the risk of getting salmonella @logancooper14 Dylan pull yourself together and go get a damn spoon. It's cookie dough not a beefy 5 layer burrito have some class alexander: thyrell: kingantlion: smallest-feeblest-boggart: ego-ann-16: phantoms-lair: ankaa-avarshina: lorem64: ankaa-avarshina: lorem64: I’m so confused why he would think cookie dough would give him salmonella??? What parent told him this. There’s no chicken in there! Two words: Raw eggs. ?? What kind of world do you live in where Raw eggs carry salmonella or are in anyway unsafe Don’t ask me, ask them Americans. I’m an Asian just passing the word on *deep breath* Though the risk is small, raw eggs can carry samonella. MORE THREATENINGLY Raw wheat can carry E. Coli. However, if you don’t mind making your own cookie dough, you can easily make it safely. Take your standard recipe. Omit the eggs. Eggs serve as a binding agent to hold the cookie together. Since we’re eating the dough raw, that’s not needed. Take the flour, put it in a pan and bake it at 350 for 7 minutes. Any E. Coli is now dead. Just mix the rest of the ingredients together as the recipe is called for and BAM, perfectly safe edible cookie dough. Thank u so fucking much for this wisdom wait you’re telling my i can get E, Coli just FROM EATING FLOUR straight from the bag??? Why..why are you eating flour straight from the bag? well i was using it as an alternative to romaine lettuce but i guess ill go fuck myself :/ Who the fuck puts flour in cookie dough????
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piranhapunk: kingantlion: smallest-feeblest-boggart: ego-ann-16: phantoms-lair: ankaa-avarshina: lorem64: ankaa-avarshina: lorem64: I’m so confused why he would think cookie dough would give him salmonella??? What parent told him this. There’s no chicken in there! Two words: Raw eggs. ?? What kind of world do you live in where Raw eggs carry salmonella or are in anyway unsafe Don’t ask me, ask them Americans. I’m an Asian just passing the word on *deep breath* Though the risk is small, raw eggs can carry samonella. MORE THREATENINGLY Raw wheat can carry E. Coli. However, if you don’t mind making your own cookie dough, you can easily make it safely. Take your standard recipe. Omit the eggs. Eggs serve as a binding agent to hold the cookie together. Since we’re eating the dough raw, that’s not needed. Take the flour, put it in a pan and bake it at 350 for 7 minutes. Any E. Coli is now dead. Just mix the rest of the ingredients together as the recipe is called for and BAM, perfectly safe edible cookie dough. Thank u so fucking much for this wisdom wait you’re telling my i can get E, Coli just FROM EATING FLOUR straight from the bag??? Why..why are you eating flour straight from the bag? why are you NOT eating flour straight from the bag???? : Dylan Reneau @DylanReneau Unpopular opinion: cookie dough is worth taking the risk of getting salmonella @logancooper14 Dylan pull yourself together and go get a damn spoon. It's cookie dough not a beefy 5 layer burrito have some class piranhapunk: kingantlion: smallest-feeblest-boggart: ego-ann-16: phantoms-lair: ankaa-avarshina: lorem64: ankaa-avarshina: lorem64: I’m so confused why he would think cookie dough would give him salmonella??? What parent told him this. There’s no chicken in there! Two words: Raw eggs. ?? What kind of world do you live in where Raw eggs carry salmonella or are in anyway unsafe Don’t ask me, ask them Americans. I’m an Asian just passing the word on *deep breath* Though the risk is small, raw eggs can carry samonella. MORE THREATENINGLY Raw wheat can carry E. Coli. However, if you don’t mind making your own cookie dough, you can easily make it safely. Take your standard recipe. Omit the eggs. Eggs serve as a binding agent to hold the cookie together. Since we’re eating the dough raw, that’s not needed. Take the flour, put it in a pan and bake it at 350 for 7 minutes. Any E. Coli is now dead. Just mix the rest of the ingredients together as the recipe is called for and BAM, perfectly safe edible cookie dough. Thank u so fucking much for this wisdom wait you’re telling my i can get E, Coli just FROM EATING FLOUR straight from the bag??? Why..why are you eating flour straight from the bag? why are you NOT eating flour straight from the bag????
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lostsometime: vorbits: smallest-feeblest-boggart: ego-ann-16: phantoms-lair: ankaa-avarshina: lorem64: ankaa-avarshina: lorem64: I’m so confused why he would think cookie dough would give him salmonella??? What parent told him this. There’s no chicken in there! Two words: Raw eggs. ?? What kind of world do you live in where Raw eggs carry salmonella or are in anyway unsafe Don’t ask me, ask them Americans. I’m an Asian just passing the word on *deep breath* Though the risk is small, raw eggs can carry samonella. MORE THREATENINGLY Raw wheat can carry E. Coli. However, if you don’t mind making your own cookie dough, you can easily make it safely. Take your standard recipe. Omit the eggs. Eggs serve as a binding agent to hold the cookie together. Since we’re eating the dough raw, that’s not needed. Take the flour, put it in a pan and bake it at 350 for 7 minutes. Any E. Coli is now dead. Just mix the rest of the ingredients together as the recipe is called for and BAM, perfectly safe edible cookie dough. Thank u so fucking much for this wisdom wait you’re telling my i can get E, Coli just FROM EATING FLOUR straight from the bag??? there go my dinner plans ;( why are you eating flour straight from the bag???: Dylan Reneau @DylanReneau Unpopular opinion: cookie dough is worth taking the risk of getting salmonella @logancooper14 Dylan pull yourself together and go get a damn spoon. It's cookie dough not a beefy 5 layer burrito have some class lostsometime: vorbits: smallest-feeblest-boggart: ego-ann-16: phantoms-lair: ankaa-avarshina: lorem64: ankaa-avarshina: lorem64: I’m so confused why he would think cookie dough would give him salmonella??? What parent told him this. There’s no chicken in there! Two words: Raw eggs. ?? What kind of world do you live in where Raw eggs carry salmonella or are in anyway unsafe Don’t ask me, ask them Americans. I’m an Asian just passing the word on *deep breath* Though the risk is small, raw eggs can carry samonella. MORE THREATENINGLY Raw wheat can carry E. Coli. However, if you don’t mind making your own cookie dough, you can easily make it safely. Take your standard recipe. Omit the eggs. Eggs serve as a binding agent to hold the cookie together. Since we’re eating the dough raw, that’s not needed. Take the flour, put it in a pan and bake it at 350 for 7 minutes. Any E. Coli is now dead. Just mix the rest of the ingredients together as the recipe is called for and BAM, perfectly safe edible cookie dough. Thank u so fucking much for this wisdom wait you’re telling my i can get E, Coli just FROM EATING FLOUR straight from the bag??? there go my dinner plans ;( why are you eating flour straight from the bag???
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These analogies are like poetry if the poet had been sleepless for five days subsisting only on Red Bull and raw coffee beans: ifeelbetterer tumblr Follow hellotailor 1. Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center 2. He was as tall as a 6'3" tree 3. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master 4. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30. 5. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. 6. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up 7. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. 8. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something 9. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. 10. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room- temperature Canadian beef 11. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM 12. The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object. wollipyos Some of the worst analogies written by high school students I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT NUMBER 4 IS GREAT. bewbin These are genius ninjagirlmai I lost it at number 10 farorescourage "the worst analogies" are the ones you use to write comedy pieces with. They work like a charm if you do them right. beingfacetious #you say 'worst analogies i say 'heirs of douglas adams, Source papadevs 291.019 notes These analogies are like poetry if the poet had been sleepless for five days subsisting only on Red Bull and raw coffee beans

These analogies are like poetry if the poet had been sleepless for five days subsisting only on Red Bull and raw coffee beans

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Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something: 1. Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center 2. He was as tall as a 6'3" tree 3. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master 4. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30 5. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met 6. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up 7. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. 8. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something 9. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever 10. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room- temperature Canadian beef 11. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM 12. The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object. machawicket beingfacetious Tarorescourage ninjagirlmai bewbin wollipyos Some of the worst analogies written by high school students I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT NUMBER 4 IS GREAT These are genius I lost it at number 10 "the worsanalogies" are the ones you use to write comedy pieces with. They work like a charm if you do them right #you say 'worst analogies, i say 'heirs of douglas adams' We read these aloud while slightly drunk in Ireland last summer, and it's one of my favorite memories. I still can't pick my favorite, as at lease five of these made me laugh so hard I cried Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something

Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something

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buzzfeed: laughterkey: wonderali: alltangledupinblue: teaandcathair: brofisting: astolat: badscienceshenanigans: 0hcicero: beautifulchaos-anumcara: buzzfeed: adulthoodisokay: adulthoodisokay: aimee-b-loved: bijoux-et-mineraux: reclusiveandelusive: tsreckoah: naughtylittledragon: nassadii: tsreckoah: thepioden: vulcanology-geology: mollisaurus: lizaleigh: zdravomilla: brambledboneyards: xekstrin: bijoux-et-mineraux: Polished Malachite Stalactite - Copper Crescent, Congo *looks around* Is Is anyone gonna say it malachite is a poisonous mineral. please do not fuck the malachite stalactite @lizaleigh do you know any rock people that can confirm/deny because I am very curious and really don’t feel like getting into a conversation with my geophysicist brother that MAY somehow get back to the fact I saw a malachite that looked like a weird dildo. …sadly, I am not on good enough terms with any of our partner geologists to just attach this to an email with the subject line: “EXPLAIN.”Although I think @mollisaurus is a mineral person. Thoughts? oh geeze, i’m kinda rusty on minerals but malachite is just copper carbonate and is really common in both antique and modern jewelry so i think like if you were really gun-ho about it you could go ahead and put it wherever you want? It’s really only a problem if you’re polishing or cutting it. The particles would be bad to breathe. It’s rather porous too, so I would worry about bacteria growing. Well, being literal anyway… Better to leave the poor thing alone. ._. I mean it kinda depends on where you stick it because malachite does not like acidic environments very much and the malachite will degrade and also might dye your bits blue-green as the copper dissolves out. So use a condom when fucking rocks is the takeaway here. Oh my god guys it’s poisonous It is super poisonous There is a reason we do not use it in make up any more Not even with a condom, do not fuck the rock Try this one instead.  malachite literally explodes in water does it not? I… no… I think you’re thinking of pure sodium? Malachite is however water soluble, which really just means it will poison you quicker This is both hilarious and cool as fuck because you’re getting all this information on minerals and rocks. You’re also watching people argue over wether or not you can fuck this rock I go on hiatus for a week and come back to find tumblr molesting my post, but hey, at least we all learned something so yay tumblr, you just keep on  being you. I’m still not sure if I can fuck this rock. I’m looking into it. UPDATE: Today in “I’m so sorry, coworkers, it’s for Tumblr,” I brought this post to the attention the science reporters at BuzzFeed. Dan Vergano did a some research and weighed in on the question “Can you use malachite as a dildo or is it toxic?” The answer is “It’s probably fine, just wash it first and maybe use a bunch of lube.” Oh man this got so much better than the last time I saw this post This is my favourite. Science side of tumblr: asking the REAL questions *biologist crashes through the underbrush*Ok so here’s the thing thoughMalachite is not poisonous to YOU. BUT fucking this stalactite will probably wreck your vaginal flora and leave you with a gruesome infection within a couple days.Want details? SO GLAD YOU ASKED, ‘CAUSE HERE THEY ARE.• Malachite is not copper oxide. It’s Cu2CO3(OH)2. Like most carbonates it’s water soluble– that’s how it became a stalactite in the first place! And technically any given chunk of “malachite” isn’t just malachite– it’s a mix of various copper carbonates & oxides. This will become important later. • When malachite dissolves it makes a bunch of copper (Cu++) ions. Cu++ is GREAT at killing bacteria and fungi– so good at it that sprays with Cu++ get used a lot as a spray in agriculture to stop plant disease. It takes such a large dose to harm larger organisms that copper sprays are used a lot in organic agriculture (like Bordeaux mixture). So bottom line, yes malachite is technically nontoxic to humans. But it kills bacteria when it dissolves and releases Cu++.• Malachite dissolves somewhat slowly in water– but vaginal secretions aren’t just any water. A healthy human vagina has a pH of 3.8-4.5 and a salinity of about 0.9%. It’s also warmer than your average underground cave at 37°C (or 98.5°F in American meat units). As luck would have it, acidity, salinity, and warmth all make malachite dissolve faster. • In other words, the human vagina dissolves malachite. • I have no deeper explanation for why human females can dissolve rocks with our genitals. It simply is. • Gonna to take a quick moment to point out that sex toys that dissolve when you use them are maybe not the best investment. • Anyway the key question now is “how fast does the human vagina dissolve malachite?” Are we talking geological timescale, a Nazis-in-Indiana-Jones situation, or something in between? If the reaction kinetics of dissolution are very slow, then there’s nothing to worry about. An encounter with a stalactite would have to last years for enough Cu++ to leach out to cause problems. If it’s quick then we’re in trouble. • Unfortunately it looks like nobody really knows. One of the best sources on how malachite dissolves & precipitates in water– an EPA document on how to avoid too much Cu++ in municipal drinking water systems– helpfully says “The kinetic constraints on the formation of these solids in water systems are largely unexplored” (p. 42) because end equilibrium points is all you need to run a city water system safely. In other words, the experiments that would tell us how fast malachite dissolves in various types of water just don’t exist because nobody’s ever needed to know before. So we’d better assume it’s going to happen reasonably quickly, #for safety.• So in best scientific fashion, we’re just going to bullshit our way ahead using what facts we DO have on hand: endpoint equlibria. • Is there any info out there telling us what equilibrium concentration of Cu++ we get in salty acidic water at body temperature? Almost! One J.F. Scaife published some great data on this back in 1957. TAKE IT AWAY, SCAIFE.  That orange box is how many moles of dissolved Cu++ Scaife got from sticking malachite in some water that had 0.171 moles NaCl/L (body salinity is about 0.154 moles NaCl/L so this is slightly less salty than people) at 30°C. He’s got no acidity in there, and again the salinity and temperature are slightly lower than people. But this is probably the closest we’re going to get to data on how malachite behaves in vaginas anytime soon, folks. From this we can take away that if you leave malachite alone in a vagina you’ll get AT LEAST 9.12 x 10^-4 moles/L, or 5.8 ppm, of Cu++ at equilibrium. • Recall from above that most “malachite” isn’t actually pure malachite, it’s a mix of various copper carbonates & oxides. The EPA document elaborates: “[T]raditional ‘eyeball’ identification of malachite by its blue-green color is extremely unreliable, because almost all cupric hydroxysulfates, hydroxycarbonates, hydroxychlorides, and even fresh cupric hydroxide can be some shade of blue-green. … Thus, the uncertainty in the computed copper concentration in equilibrium with malachite is at least about a factor of 2 … until further experimental data focusing on this problem is generated.” In other words, “do your math and then double how much Cu++ you think is going to be in the water, just in case.” So that gives us 11.6ppm Cu++, at equilibrium, with malachite in a (til now!) healthy vagina. • Next step: do we have any idea what happens to bacteria in acid conditions with copper? OH MY GOD WE TOTALLY DO. Gyawali et al 2011 checked this out in the context of “so what if we rinsed tomatoes with a solution of lactic acid and copper, because that would be a safe & organic way to get rid of E. coli?” So now this post has officially ruined stalactites, vaginas, and tomatoes. ^This would happen. These are the counts of 4 E. coli strains exposed to various levels of lactic acid & Cu++ for 8 hours. This table only shows the end counts but it represents the death of 99.7% of bacteria*. • Losing 99.7% of your vaginal flora is seriously bad news. You’re looking at really good odds of a yeast infection, bacterial vaginosis, and/or other infection issues. And that’s if you’re lucky enough to not be in the 4% of the population or so that’s sensitive to skin contact with copper. • The good news? Biochemically speaking, you’re probably ok to put it in your butt. It’s not as acidic or salty in there, plus there’s a huuuuuge stockpile of gut microbes right upstream that can quickly repopulate the colon after spelunking is complete. However this stalactite is not flared at the base so it is the wrong shape for putting in your butt. Do not put this stalactite in your butt. • This all looks like fun and games, but I think it’s really interesting that the internet’s mistake in concluding that this stalactite is fuckable is very similar to the mistake made by the Flint water management system. Hear me out. • Central to the Flint lead poisoning crisis is that authorities only looked at & tested Flint’s water in its central treatment plant before it went out through the pipes. Not after it went through the pipes. They did not consider what would happen biochemically as it went through the pipes and metals started dissolving. • Similarly, in concluding that the stalactite is fuckable, the internet only considered the stalactite itself. Not the biochemical processes that would happen to it as it, welp, went through the pipes. • Media frequently reports that the Flint River’s water is “corrosive,” leading many to believe the river is full of industrial waste. This ain’t the case. You’d need industry to fill a river with industrial waste, and industry left decades ago. That’s why Flint’s so poor. So what IS in the water? Road salt. Plain old stupid road salt. The old Detroit-based source didn’t have salt because it came from Lake Huron which has a large, mostly rural watershed. Meanwhile the Flint River runs through a lot of towns, making it slightly salty as everything melts down in spring. And as we recall from the stalactite experience, a little salt is all it takes to get metals to dissolve. • Information on this engineering problem was not coming through clearly from the engineering or chemistry sides. It took a biologist, pediatrician Mona Hanna-Attisha, to document the real-time results and provide the data to kick-start a high-level investigation. • Morals of the story: when dealing with a biological system pls consider asking a biologist, your vagina and/or city could depend on this• Pls use a condom when fucking any water-soluble material• Still don’t put the stalactite in your butt -3/10 do not recommend OK, I haven’t reblogged this before now but the final post takes it to a whole new level and I can no longer resist.  fine, this is the Best Tumblr Post What a wild fucking ride. I LOVE YOU SCIENCE TUMBLR IT GOT BETTER!!!! Ahem. @buzzfeed things have gotten (even) more interesting on the malachite fucking front. tumblr is an incredible social networking website : buzzfeed: laughterkey: wonderali: alltangledupinblue: teaandcathair: brofisting: astolat: badscienceshenanigans: 0hcicero: beautifulchaos-anumcara: buzzfeed: adulthoodisokay: adulthoodisokay: aimee-b-loved: bijoux-et-mineraux: reclusiveandelusive: tsreckoah: naughtylittledragon: nassadii: tsreckoah: thepioden: vulcanology-geology: mollisaurus: lizaleigh: zdravomilla: brambledboneyards: xekstrin: bijoux-et-mineraux: Polished Malachite Stalactite - Copper Crescent, Congo *looks around* Is Is anyone gonna say it malachite is a poisonous mineral. please do not fuck the malachite stalactite @lizaleigh do you know any rock people that can confirm/deny because I am very curious and really don’t feel like getting into a conversation with my geophysicist brother that MAY somehow get back to the fact I saw a malachite that looked like a weird dildo. …sadly, I am not on good enough terms with any of our partner geologists to just attach this to an email with the subject line: “EXPLAIN.”Although I think @mollisaurus is a mineral person. Thoughts? oh geeze, i’m kinda rusty on minerals but malachite is just copper carbonate and is really common in both antique and modern jewelry so i think like if you were really gun-ho about it you could go ahead and put it wherever you want? It’s really only a problem if you’re polishing or cutting it. The particles would be bad to breathe. It’s rather porous too, so I would worry about bacteria growing. Well, being literal anyway… Better to leave the poor thing alone. ._. I mean it kinda depends on where you stick it because malachite does not like acidic environments very much and the malachite will degrade and also might dye your bits blue-green as the copper dissolves out. So use a condom when fucking rocks is the takeaway here. Oh my god guys it’s poisonous It is super poisonous There is a reason we do not use it in make up any more Not even with a condom, do not fuck the rock Try this one instead.  malachite literally explodes in water does it not? I… no… I think you’re thinking of pure sodium? Malachite is however water soluble, which really just means it will poison you quicker This is both hilarious and cool as fuck because you’re getting all this information on minerals and rocks. You’re also watching people argue over wether or not you can fuck this rock I go on hiatus for a week and come back to find tumblr molesting my post, but hey, at least we all learned something so yay tumblr, you just keep on  being you. I’m still not sure if I can fuck this rock. I’m looking into it. UPDATE: Today in “I’m so sorry, coworkers, it’s for Tumblr,” I brought this post to the attention the science reporters at BuzzFeed. Dan Vergano did a some research and weighed in on the question “Can you use malachite as a dildo or is it toxic?” The answer is “It’s probably fine, just wash it first and maybe use a bunch of lube.” Oh man this got so much better than the last time I saw this post This is my favourite. Science side of tumblr: asking the REAL questions *biologist crashes through the underbrush*Ok so here’s the thing thoughMalachite is not poisonous to YOU. BUT fucking this stalactite will probably wreck your vaginal flora and leave you with a gruesome infection within a couple days.Want details? SO GLAD YOU ASKED, ‘CAUSE HERE THEY ARE.• Malachite is not copper oxide. It’s Cu2CO3(OH)2. Like most carbonates it’s water soluble– that’s how it became a stalactite in the first place! And technically any given chunk of “malachite” isn’t just malachite– it’s a mix of various copper carbonates & oxides. This will become important later. • When malachite dissolves it makes a bunch of copper (Cu++) ions. Cu++ is GREAT at killing bacteria and fungi– so good at it that sprays with Cu++ get used a lot as a spray in agriculture to stop plant disease. It takes such a large dose to harm larger organisms that copper sprays are used a lot in organic agriculture (like Bordeaux mixture). So bottom line, yes malachite is technically nontoxic to humans. But it kills bacteria when it dissolves and releases Cu++.• Malachite dissolves somewhat slowly in water– but vaginal secretions aren’t just any water. A healthy human vagina has a pH of 3.8-4.5 and a salinity of about 0.9%. It’s also warmer than your average underground cave at 37°C (or 98.5°F in American meat units). As luck would have it, acidity, salinity, and warmth all make malachite dissolve faster. • In other words, the human vagina dissolves malachite. • I have no deeper explanation for why human females can dissolve rocks with our genitals. It simply is. • Gonna to take a quick moment to point out that sex toys that dissolve when you use them are maybe not the best investment. • Anyway the key question now is “how fast does the human vagina dissolve malachite?” Are we talking geological timescale, a Nazis-in-Indiana-Jones situation, or something in between? If the reaction kinetics of dissolution are very slow, then there’s nothing to worry about. An encounter with a stalactite would have to last years for enough Cu++ to leach out to cause problems. If it’s quick then we’re in trouble. • Unfortunately it looks like nobody really knows. One of the best sources on how malachite dissolves & precipitates in water– an EPA document on how to avoid too much Cu++ in municipal drinking water systems– helpfully says “The kinetic constraints on the formation of these solids in water systems are largely unexplored” (p. 42) because end equilibrium points is all you need to run a city water system safely. In other words, the experiments that would tell us how fast malachite dissolves in various types of water just don’t exist because nobody’s ever needed to know before. So we’d better assume it’s going to happen reasonably quickly, #for safety.• So in best scientific fashion, we’re just going to bullshit our way ahead using what facts we DO have on hand: endpoint equlibria. • Is there any info out there telling us what equilibrium concentration of Cu++ we get in salty acidic water at body temperature? Almost! One J.F. Scaife published some great data on this back in 1957. TAKE IT AWAY, SCAIFE.  That orange box is how many moles of dissolved Cu++ Scaife got from sticking malachite in some water that had 0.171 moles NaCl/L (body salinity is about 0.154 moles NaCl/L so this is slightly less salty than people) at 30°C. He’s got no acidity in there, and again the salinity and temperature are slightly lower than people. But this is probably the closest we’re going to get to data on how malachite behaves in vaginas anytime soon, folks. From this we can take away that if you leave malachite alone in a vagina you’ll get AT LEAST 9.12 x 10^-4 moles/L, or 5.8 ppm, of Cu++ at equilibrium. • Recall from above that most “malachite” isn’t actually pure malachite, it’s a mix of various copper carbonates & oxides. The EPA document elaborates: “[T]raditional ‘eyeball’ identification of malachite by its blue-green color is extremely unreliable, because almost all cupric hydroxysulfates, hydroxycarbonates, hydroxychlorides, and even fresh cupric hydroxide can be some shade of blue-green. … Thus, the uncertainty in the computed copper concentration in equilibrium with malachite is at least about a factor of 2 … until further experimental data focusing on this problem is generated.” In other words, “do your math and then double how much Cu++ you think is going to be in the water, just in case.” So that gives us 11.6ppm Cu++, at equilibrium, with malachite in a (til now!) healthy vagina. • Next step: do we have any idea what happens to bacteria in acid conditions with copper? OH MY GOD WE TOTALLY DO. Gyawali et al 2011 checked this out in the context of “so what if we rinsed tomatoes with a solution of lactic acid and copper, because that would be a safe & organic way to get rid of E. coli?” So now this post has officially ruined stalactites, vaginas, and tomatoes. ^This would happen. These are the counts of 4 E. coli strains exposed to various levels of lactic acid & Cu++ for 8 hours. This table only shows the end counts but it represents the death of 99.7% of bacteria*. • Losing 99.7% of your vaginal flora is seriously bad news. You’re looking at really good odds of a yeast infection, bacterial vaginosis, and/or other infection issues. And that’s if you’re lucky enough to not be in the 4% of the population or so that’s sensitive to skin contact with copper. • The good news? Biochemically speaking, you’re probably ok to put it in your butt. It’s not as acidic or salty in there, plus there’s a huuuuuge stockpile of gut microbes right upstream that can quickly repopulate the colon after spelunking is complete. However this stalactite is not flared at the base so it is the wrong shape for putting in your butt. Do not put this stalactite in your butt. • This all looks like fun and games, but I think it’s really interesting that the internet’s mistake in concluding that this stalactite is fuckable is very similar to the mistake made by the Flint water management system. Hear me out. • Central to the Flint lead poisoning crisis is that authorities only looked at & tested Flint’s water in its central treatment plant before it went out through the pipes. Not after it went through the pipes. They did not consider what would happen biochemically as it went through the pipes and metals started dissolving. • Similarly, in concluding that the stalactite is fuckable, the internet only considered the stalactite itself. Not the biochemical processes that would happen to it as it, welp, went through the pipes. • Media frequently reports that the Flint River’s water is “corrosive,” leading many to believe the river is full of industrial waste. This ain’t the case. You’d need industry to fill a river with industrial waste, and industry left decades ago. That’s why Flint’s so poor. So what IS in the water? Road salt. Plain old stupid road salt. The old Detroit-based source didn’t have salt because it came from Lake Huron which has a large, mostly rural watershed. Meanwhile the Flint River runs through a lot of towns, making it slightly salty as everything melts down in spring. And as we recall from the stalactite experience, a little salt is all it takes to get metals to dissolve. • Information on this engineering problem was not coming through clearly from the engineering or chemistry sides. It took a biologist, pediatrician Mona Hanna-Attisha, to document the real-time results and provide the data to kick-start a high-level investigation. • Morals of the story: when dealing with a biological system pls consider asking a biologist, your vagina and/or city could depend on this• Pls use a condom when fucking any water-soluble material• Still don’t put the stalactite in your butt -3/10 do not recommend OK, I haven’t reblogged this before now but the final post takes it to a whole new level and I can no longer resist.  fine, this is the Best Tumblr Post What a wild fucking ride. I LOVE YOU SCIENCE TUMBLR IT GOT BETTER!!!! Ahem. @buzzfeed things have gotten (even) more interesting on the malachite fucking front. tumblr is an incredible social networking website
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