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Bad, Be Like, and Blac Chyna: Took my dog to the groomer and they sent me this. She climbed into a kennel for small dogs AND somehow managed to turn all the way around. She's so pleased with herself. @DrSmashlove Pic: reddit u/fireismyporn Bruh y’all being way too hard on my girl Blac Chyna. See y’all gotta understand, some women...they like secretaries. If u give them a task and they don’t wanna do that task...they do a bad job! That’s just how some of u women be! My first secretary? I asked her to please make me a binder. The result? Tabs was messed up, everything mishmashed - even the hole punches wasn’t aligned πŸ˜‚. Just skrate to the recycling bin. Lesson learnt: Sally don’t do binders πŸ˜‚. That’s Blac Chyna. She didn’t like that task. She like β€œlemme do this hella mediocrely. Then he gotta start doing something *I* like.” U feel me? Now other women bruh they gon do the most. They could dislike something but for YOU? They love it. I was once laying Pipington to a yung ting and she was visibly into it but after a lil while she kinda broke out of character like β€œo babyyyy ... aye baby you close? It’s hurting a lil bit 😬 KEEP GOING DON’T STOP!” ... BRO! I FUXED WITH HER HONESTY LOL! πŸ˜‚ Bc up until then she was (ostensibly) loving every moment! That right there is a pleaser bruv. But don’t get it twisted! U can convert her. If she a pleaser but u inattentive, selfish, and ignore her cues? Guess what now she a secretary. She bad at everything now πŸ˜‚. β€œSorry I already brushed my teeth and got ready for bed can we not? πŸ˜¬β€ Like one of them old secretaries. Emeritus status lol. Just waiting on her retirement party talmbout β€œAfter 48 years of service Shirley has informed us she’s retiring, we will miss her πŸ˜Œβ€ like bish don’t u mean 38 years of service and 10 years of Shirley talking isht in the coffee room?! πŸ˜‚ Now then, if u kindly, conscientious and wonderful, she gon convert from a secretary to a pleaser. She gon do things she ain’t een really into bc she like YOU! U be like β€œwow Stephanie I didn’t even know u liked this position lol! Where u learn this? U cheating? Lemme see ya phone 😀 I’LL KILL U *AND* HIM LOLOL JK NAH FR THO WHERE U LEARN THIS 😍.” πŸ˜‚ U feel me? She gon upgrade HERSELF if she fux with u. Blac Chyna bruh? She don’t fux with that dude. For all we know she just paid for dinner AND his car note. Let a woman pay for u she be a secretary REAL QUICK BLESS UP πŸ˜‚
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Be Like, Bless Up, and Bruh: My sister's gentle giant German Shepherd wears a bow tie everywhere because it makes people less intimidated and afraid of him. @DrSmashlove Reddit u/tricksy_trixie Say Bruh shout to u pretty a$$ ladies with resting bish face (RBF) bruv I fux with y’all. I fux witchu ladies the long way bruv y’all sexy. I’m talking and u just eyeing me. Scrutinizing me. U feel me? Am I making her mad? Is she disagreeing with me? What is she thinking? I need that. That element of risk. Like u might could reach across the table and break a bottle over my head bruv. That sh!t dangerous to me that’s sexy lol. Scowl at me. U feel me? HANGRY - even tho u just bodied four tacos, a bowl of guac, and a large horchata 😩. I fux with that. And women with RBF do well in business! That’s why women get successful and ppl be like β€œwow Susan is a bish” NO SHE AINT! SHE JUST GOT SKRONG RBF! β€œDavid if you don’t start being reasonable imma stab this pen into your neck. How you gon explain that to ya kids? You could have given us $17,000 more per month for this amazing software but nah. You wanted to die on your sword. Well David, act like a bish you gon DIE LIKE A BISH.” I mean I still remember tryina explain to my mama why my sister crying and my mama already got the chancleta IN HER HAND - RAISED - maybe EEN a wooden spoon in the other - just preparing for that cosmic two-tiered simultaneous SHLAP - SHMACK - CRACK of the spoon handle to end my existence u feel me? β€œWow smash what a childhood that explains why you’re like this no wonder.” Ok first of all ...... YES ASF πŸ˜‚. Y’all could judge my mama all u want to but u can’t have 1-on-1 convo’s with all ya chirren once u have more than three like after that u gotta be efficient and the flip flop - wooden spoon is efficient ASF. All I’m saying is at the end of the day I love my mama and perhaps RBF remind me of her Resting Boutta Whup Dat A$$ Face all I’m saying is for u ladies who are like β€œMY FRIENDS ALL SAY I HAVE THE WORST RBF LIKE HOW DO I GET RID OF THIS”...don’t πŸ˜πŸ˜‚. As Tupac said, β€œYou are appreciated β˜ΊοΈβ€. Now none of u extra-a$$ ladies who follow me DM me talmbout β€œcan I ride the Peepington while slapping u with a sandal and breaking wooden spoons on u zaddy β˜ΊοΈβ€ I told u I ain’t into being dominated! (Nah but DM me tho if u gon do it 🀀🀫) BLESS UP πŸ˜πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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Bad, Beyonce, and Booty: If you don't pet him, you're a monster. Pic: reddit u/coal the slaw @DrSmashlove So yesterday I had about 12 hours of work to knock out and as the night got older, I had to leave the warm, familiar confines of my go-to Mom-and-Pop coffee joints that serve coffee made with love, care, affection and human warmth (and therefore close early so that they wonderful baristas can go act in plays and paint paintings and do other artsy tings that allow them to form doves and angels and birds in yo latte) and head to the barren desert land that is Starbucks, where they serve piping-hot burnt sludge-water brewed from the charcoal grains of Hell. Literally Starbucks got a long term supply agreement with Satan where they pay half they net revenue to ol dude with the red goat face and long tail and in return he supply them with coffee that shouldn’t be served to maximum security prisoners bruv. BUT THEY OPEN 24-7 BECAUSE SATAN NEVER SLEEPS - HE’S ALWAYS WREAKING HAVOC (except during Ramadan πŸ€—πŸ˜‚). Anyway so I’m there and they got the nerve. The cot damn NERVE...to play a playlist where Jay and BeyoncΓ© are followed by Johnny Cash which is followed by β€œTill the Lights Come On” by Sun Rai (I had to Google the lyrics. No offense Sun Rai u probably a star of some sort but ya music sound like booty cheeks NO OFFENSE πŸ€—). Who did this? Who is RESPONSIBLE for this? In addition to obtaining they coffee supply from Satan, do they also let him hook up the playlists? How I’m pose to concentrate when y’all playing Jakob Dylan followed by Echosmith? I have ADD. Is this playlist meant to melt the remaining shred of sanity I have? Y’all serve coffee that’s stronger than bad cocaine and y’all play music that is jarring, discordant and unharmonious - combine the two and I now have the subtle urge to punch a baby πŸ€—. Y’all absolutely some criminals for this lmao. Change that mermaid on ya cup to Lucifer because this is the last time I ever fux with y’all devilish establishment - AWAY FROM ME, SATAN! πŸ€—πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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Ass, Chicago, and Christmas: Little kiss on the chick Pic: reddit u/anonimverse Ladies I love y'all lemme tell u why. I get into yo bedroom. We get to kissing. Right when I'm about to yank ya lil panties off what do u classy ladies say? "HOLD ON LEMME PEE 😁". Ain't no pee, bruv. She already peed. She bout to go freshen up the Nani bc that's what u classy girls do, y'all interrupt the foreplay to make sure ya joint smell, look and taste splendiferous before we sliiiiiide that tung deep inside. "Hold on lemme pee"? That little three or four minutes when u waiting for her bruv? Thass Christmas Eve. Anything could happen. NBA 2K18. Jordan 11s. Nerf Machine Gun. U feel me? She might come out of there bucky nekky. She might come out with lingerie on. Full body MF fishnet body suit (I'm really out here y'all I done seen it all 🌢). Shout to u ladies bruv. Heightening the tension. Creating intrigue. I swear y'all the real MVP. P.s. If u in a hotel with a girl and u see the little wet folded up face towel shoved under the sink that's the Nani freshener towel (FYI) every girl got that ImOnToYouLadies πŸ€—πŸ˜‚. P.p.s. Oh wait. Wait wait wait. Oh y'all thought I was done? Y'all thought I wasn't gon address them ladies that's gon go out to dinner ... drinks ... dancing for four hours ... after party ... and NOT stop me so she could freshen up the Nani before I go downtown James Brown? WELL GO HEAD ASF MAMI I FUX WITCHOE 12 HOUR MARINADE I'M FROM CHICAGO WE LOVE AGING THINGS 60 DAY AGED BONE-IN RIBEYE YES PLEASE THAT MUSKY, MUSHROOMY EARTHY PERFUMEY FRAGRANCE GET MY HEART RACING I AIN'T MAD AT YO NASTY ASS MAMA LEMME TASTE THE RAINBOW U BOUT TO BRING THE ANIMAL OUT REAL TALK FarmFreshDryAgedOrWetAged ItsAllWondrousToMe LemmeTasteIt AllOfIt BlessUp πŸ€—πŸ˜πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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Birdman, Bless Up, and Children: u/BrittanyLD ld i.redd.it She was the last puppy at the shelter. Most didn't want her because of her timid disposition/ overbite, but I think it makes her that much more of a treasure. (For Part 1, scroll back πŸ€—). Part 2: Now then. Let me explain: if a man really fux witchu, he gon be a jealous mess when y'all break up or "take a break". He gon be jealous of anyone u hang out with bc if he fux with u, ain no break. IN HIS MIND YALL STILL A COUPLE YALL JUST HAVING ISSUES 😐. Marquis who u dated for two weeks while on break? If u mention that to your ex? In his mind? Marquis PP built like a Voss water bottle and he lasted 17 hours. U all swollen and shaking and u like "Marquis OMG chill!!" And Marquis like "NAWWWW BABY ONE MO GENN" rubbing his hands like Birdman while his glisteny dangalang start saluting so he could rearrange yo anatomy to where yo spleen sits in yo esophagus now. That ain't een anatomically possible but that's what your ex imagine. He think u go to sleep every night and dream of having a home with a white picket fence with Marquis and 3.5 children and an Audi SUV that u bought because u the provider but u ok with that arrangement because the PP game so on point u don't mind being the mommy and the daddy and he just drop u off at work and drop the kids off at school and play 2K all day and possibly cheat on u using YOUR car but again u will let it slide off the quality of the PP. U feel me? This is the jealous male mind - any other man than him is bigger stronger better in bed more manly more dominant etc. Don't matter that Marquis could have been a 4.5 inch minute man who u only hung out with because he was sincere and always had good weed. To yo man? U in love with Marquis and still miss him - dearly. Yo man could be this jealous if u dated Marquis even before u met him lol! Literally men will be jealous of your OLD EXES! That's how fragile men are! Personally IDGAF about exes (bc I know I'm the sh!t πŸ€—) and when I've tooken breaks with girls I'm not monitoring they movements but this is how men think. It effs they head up bruv. And then they do disloyal tings bc on the basis of what u did on break somehow that's disloyal. Again: not logical. What's the solution? Peep Part 3 to find out bless up πŸ˜„πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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Bless Up, Horny, and Memes: She's helping do the dishes DrSmashlove Men lemme holla at y'all. Humor is important. Cracking jokes is important. Now a lot of y'all gon crack a joke and then wait to see the reply and when she reply, u trying to understand the meaning. With that said here go smash's guide to girls replying to funny texts: (1) "lol". No laughter happened. No laughter will ever happen. Lower case 'lol' means she's either mad at you or doesn't care about you. Either way, fix this shit Bruh, because communication is on life support and u may never touch or feel that Punani ever again. (2) "LOL". That was legit funny. Nice work. She turned caps lock on for you. You stuck the joke. She didn't laugh but it was still humorous content. Now keep it G before you say something unfunny and she gotta pretend that she working when really she just done witchoe moderately funny ass. (3) "OMG LOL πŸ˜‚". Congrats, you said said some extra funny shit. Like she's not laughing but she's laughing in her head and if people were around, she'd giggle for real. Very nice. Keep going. (4) "YOU'RE A MESS πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚". This is the holy grail. She laughed so hard she peed a little (incidentally, if a girl is either hella entertained or hella turned on, she pees a little (what do u y'all think squirting is 😎)). In any event u just said some legitimately absolutely fvcking hilarious shit. So funny in fact that she thinks you're slightly unstable, which makes her also horny in a way she's not happy about. Like "why am I horny off of a man's twisted, unstable humor? This isn't natural. Damn you, vagina! Always being mysterious and shit." This is what u aiming for Bruh. U wanna be a mess. If she think u a mess, she fux with you for real and potentially wanna have chirren. Now go forth and be messy. U get me! Bless up πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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Bless Up, Boobies, and Memes: Blue heeler puppy Dr Smashlove Now one of my followers read my last caption and asked "smash what if I use my mirrors to back into spots??" Well baby I'm glad you asked. See this type of woman is very dangerous. Very very dangerous. If she can back into a spot, she got other life skills. She could change oil. She could change a flat tire. She could change a damn transmission with her bare hands. I had a ex like this. Tattooed young ting who worked as a waitress, she was feminine AF. When I closed her bedroom door she didn't like how it rubbed the door frame. Tell me why did homegirl take apart the two hinges, LIFT THE DOOR OFF THE FRAME, fix the hinges, AND PUT THE DOOR BACK. I was like "aye lemme help you with the door baby" she look at me dead ass like "IT'S HOLLOW - I GOT IT" and she maneuvering this big ass door bigger than her. Men - lemme tell u some shit, and I want u to remember this - u have never seen something crazier than a lil ass woman doing manual labor in only panties while her boobies flail about as she hammer and screw shit in. It's a wondrous thing, it truly is. So with that said, shout to u girls that's handy. Hands on. Elbow grease. (There's a saying that involves elbow grease because the old white men I work with say it all the time but I still don't know what it mean so when people talk about fixing shit, I just say "elbow grease" to fit in. I hope I used that correctly? Who knows πŸ€”). In any event shout to u girls who cocoa butter your bodies but also have elbow grease. Bring your greasy ass here girl let's have chirren - I fux with your handiness, ol Bob-Villa-as-a-pretty-woman lookin ass πŸ€—. Bless up! πŸ˜πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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Bless Up, Kitties, and Memes: LOOK HOW TINY THIS KITTEN IS DrSmashlove Bruh shout to u ladies with the small kitty cats I see u. Petite. Composed. Adorable. I see a lil kitty cat and I'm like "oh hello lil kitty cat. I like u. Let me pet u before I play with u, witchoe lil pretty ass. Let's become long-term friends little kitten, and enjoy one another 😍." But u know what Bruh? Big ass fat kitty cats need love to. Me: "Say girl lemme see yo kitty cat ☺️." Her: "It's um, no, I'm - look, I'm a little embarrassed of my kitty cat. She's not pretty. Focus on my other features please." AW HELL TO THE FVCK NAH. Don't u ladies know by now that smash was placed on God's green earth to dispel your nonsensical insecurities? If u don't bring that big ass snarly kitty cat out right this second girl we gon have problems. Turn the lights on. Lemme see it. Lemme pet it. Lemme kiss it ... to provide that reassurance that I fux with yo big kitty cat havin ass. Lemme inhale that kitty cat aroma - yum. Festive. Delightful. Big kitty cat let's be friends. Supposably your large stature mean that u ain't cute, big ass kitty cat. Imma change that. I find the folds and rolls beautiful. How about we have a playdate, big kitty cat. A game of cat and mouse ☺️ (my mouse is a bit of a oversize mouse. He more like a guinea pig. Yes, I shave him. Don't ask too many questions big kitty cat I thought we weren't judging ☺️.) So to all u ladies with kitty cats - big or small - just know I love y'all. Smash adores all the kitty cats. No kitty cat left behind 😍. Bless up! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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Bless Up, Juice, and Memes: go big or go home. he said yes!! @Dr Smashlove Put th on up (a u. MARRY MARR ME 2 U know what Bruh? Shout to u big girls at the gym. Shout to all u pretty ass big girls, I see u. I see u saddling up to the stair master next to me all self conscious. Sweater around the ass and thighs. Whole bunch of perfume on u because u afraid u gon sweat real hard and stink, I see u big girl - don't be shy. Let me inhale your essence...smash is a pervert, I fux with your delicate hormonal musk intermixed with half a bottle of Victoria Secret "Sexy Little Things Noir" - ain't nothing little or noir bout u, u more like a Sexy Voluptuous White Thing but it's all the same to me, my PP colorblind AF 😍 - now let that sweaty goodness waft into my nostrils, it get my engine going. Big girl I fux with your determination to make a change and get healthy. Society has hammered it into your head that big can't be beautiful but u know yo ass beautiful, u just here to get faster. Stronger. Juice that metabolism. Maybe u got diabetes in your family and u trying to reduce the risk. Regardless - u doing what's best. U taking that step. Lemme spot u while u do a pull up. One pull up hard AF the first time but cop that little door-hanging device for $19.99 and do them daily with a little chair to spot u and bam. Pretty soon u gon be a Cot damn pull up machine keeping pace with me doin 20-25 in a row. U feel me? Progress. I believe in u, big girl. Remember. It's not about being pretty. FUCK who thinks u can't be both big and pretty. This is about being the best u that u can be. Ya get me! More life more health more energy more good sex in 2017 leh go! Bless up 😍
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