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        Moms, Tumblr, and Blog: akari-hope:

DO MY EYES DOTH DECEIVE ME OR DOES SCORPIA HAVE TWO MOMS

OH MY GOOOOOD
        

            
            

                
                
                    Moms, Tumblr, and Blog: akari-hope:

DO MY EYES DOTH DECEIVE ME OR DOES SCORPIA HAVE TWO MOMS

OH MY GOOOOOD
                    
                
            

            
                
                
akari-hope:

DO MY EYES DOTH DECEIVE ME OR DOES SCORPIA HAVE TWO MOMS

OH MY GOOOOOD

                
            
            
        

    

    

        
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        Advice, Brains, and Coca-Cola: Peanut butter
spaceorphan18:

sulkingheals:

downtroddendeity:

jacemp3:

monkeysaysficus:


audrey-hepbae:

catchymemes:

10 tricks you didn’t know you could do with your food.
By Blossom

The internet went from showing food recipe videos to alchemy in less than a decade. There’s going to be a quick video on how to make the philosopher’s stone from tomato sauce next week. 


I WANNA DRINK THE TRANSPARENT SODA


leave milk out unrefrigerated in your house for 2 days

Some days ago, my sibling sent me this video out of the desperate hope I could provide the catharsis of seeing it torn to pieces. It has now been coming on 72 hours, and only now have I recovered enough to be able to do much of anything but scream, “WHAT?!” and “NO!” at the screen.
We had a long discussion about what in the twelve hells this video even is. A surreal, dadaist parody so obscure that our brains aren’t operating on enough levels to comprehend it? The Instagram lifehack equivalent of those terrifying procedurally-generated animated Youtube videos that farm ad revenue by playing millions of times to babies whose parents left the iPad on autoplay? A coded message designed to activate the combat programming of brainwashed cyborg sleeper agents? A post that slipped through a wormhole from an alternate dimension where the laws of reality are different? An emanation of a vast and alien chaos god?
I cannot bring myself to confront the claims in this video in the order they are put forth without losing my will to live after the first one, so I will start with the least crazy and work my way up.
Bananas to ripen things: More or less true. You’ll sometimes see advice to cooks to store underripe fruit in a paper bag with one piece of overripe (but not rotten) fruit to ripen it more quickly.Misrepresentations: It will probably take longer than overnight to ripen something as green as some of those tomatoes, and it doesn’t have to be a banana.
Coca-cola and milk: The coke is more acidic than the
 milk and curdles it, resulting in solid globs of milk protein which 
settle out. The brown dye in the coke sticks to the milk protein globs, 
leaving the excess liquid more or less clear.Misrepresentations: The video has been enormously sped up, which the editing does not make clear; the reaction takes hours.
Ketchup to clean metal: To my mild surprise, this is actually a thing (though you could just make a paste out of salt, flour, and vinegar and scrub with that and not get ketchup stains on everything)…Misrepresentations: …for cleaning copper and bronze. Which the jug shown in the video is not. The acid in the ketchup might take some of the tarnish off, say, aluminum, but at that point you might as well just use vinegar.
Sparkling water omelet: Omelet souffles are a thing.Misrepresentations: You… literally do not need the sparkling water… you can just beat the eggs until they’re fluffy…


“Warm water clears wax from fruits!”: This is a mysterious and arcane procedure called “washing.”Misrepresentations: I don’t know what the hell they even did to the video on this sequence but as a person who has washed many apples in warm water, it does not look like that and the thin layer of edible wax applied to make them look good in the grocery store does not come off that easily.
Sprite to clean earrings: Again, this will take tarnish off some metals just due to the acid, but…Misrepresentations: DO YOU WANT GROSS STICKY EARRINGS AND EAR INFECTIONS? JUST USE VINEGAR WATER. Also, “dirt” is not a kind of molecule. (Incidentally, if the earrings are silver, there is a vastly better method that actually reverses the tarnish instead of removing it.)
Insta-freeze bottle: This is a real thing…Misrepresentation: …which absolutely will not happen if you follow their instructions, because a) they neglect to mention an important caveat (the water needs to be purified/distilled) and b) 5 minutes is not long enough for a water bottle to supercool. If you google any of the myriad videos and articles of people doing this trick, you’ll see numbers like “3 hours in the freezer” or “40 minutes in a salted ice bath.”
There is video of the trick working. Either that footage was taken from someone else, or they knew how to do it, did it, and then deliberately lied about the time for no apparent reason.
Putting a broken plate in milk for two days magically fixes it: To my immense surprise, they didn’t make this one up; the idea is that the milk protein casein can form into a plastic at high temperatures and bind to the ceramic. Googling it turned up some hobbyist potters commenting that they’d used it to salvage things that had cracked slightly in the kiln.Misrepresentations: Once again, they’ve misrepresented the method: everything I saw talking about how to do it said to boil the milk and then soak for an hour, not leave it out for two days like an offering to the pixies. And most of what I saw reported about it also said it only really works on hairline cracks, not full breaks, and doesn’t hold up long-term because the real structural damage isn’t repaired. And may leave a faint and persistent odor of boiled milk.
Just use superglue.
“Reveal the genetic memory of the honeycomb”:
This is the kind of gibberish predicated on so many nonsensical assumptions that unpacking it would be more trouble than it’s worth. Plus, well, I can barely see anything with the low video quality, but what I can see of the vague blur doesn’t look much like a honeycomb in the first place. Suffice to say:
“Honey looks like a honeycomb” isn’t even in the ballpark of what’s generally meant by “genetic memory,”
what’s generally meant by “genetic memory” is also complete hooey, and
fluid dynamics is weird and swirling a thick, viscous, water-soluble liquid with a layer of water on top is going to do weird things.
But at least that I could potentially attribute to ignorance rather than deliberate intent to deceive, unlike…
Hot coals and peanut butter
This is the reason it’s taken me this long to post this. Every time I think about it my soul starts to leave my body. It’s such a mind-boggling level of bullshit that every time I’ve tried to put words around an explanation I’m quickly reduced to staring at the screen and mouthing “No” to myself in a voice of quiet despair, because I can’t even figure out where to start.
Well, okay, I guess I might as well start by saying I think their… let’s say inspiration on this was articles about scientists who made diamonds out of peanut butter and carbon dioxide. …With a press that’s designed to recreate the conditions of the earth’s mantle, and which is prone to exploding. So, you know, not something you can do in your kitchen. Unless you have one hell of a kitchen.
You can see the direct links to this in the nonsensical claim that this “works” because peanut butter contains carbon dioxide. (It doesn’t, particularly. It’s crushed peanuts mixed with oil. You know what would have a lot of carbon dioxide? The fire you pulled that glowing lump of charcoal out of.) It also mentions “pressure” when no particular pressure is involved, presumably because we’ve all heard about turning coal into diamond under heat and pressure.
Chemically speaking, there’s very little to make that crystal out of except carbon, unless you want to posit a mass migration of all the sugar molecules in the peanut butter to the center of the coal. And “carbon crystal” = “diamond,” and do you think if it was that easy to make diamonds they’d be that expensive?
I will guarantee you that crystal is a lump of quartz they covered in black crud and then peanut butter to pretend it was the charcoal.
But, of course, all of that is irrelevant, because by reblogging this at all, even to performatively despair that the internet does not seem to have come all that far since the days of Infinite Chocolate, I’m playing into their hands. Lifehack clickbait has done this forever- they deliberately seed in wrong or awful advice because people will share that to say how stupid/wrong it is. They led with complete insanity to get attention, and I gave them eyeballs on the video watching this, and I’ll be giving them more from writing this.
Maybe I’ll stick to the chaos god theory. It’s less depressing.
@ohnofixit


I apologize for being stupid enough to believe that video so reblogging the breakdown of why it was wrong.

Why you shouldn’t believe everything on the internet. 

        

            
            

                
                
                    Advice, Brains, and Coca-Cola: Peanut butter
spaceorphan18:

sulkingheals:

downtroddendeity:

jacemp3:

monkeysaysficus:


audrey-hepbae:

catchymemes:

10 tricks you didn’t know you could do with your food.
By Blossom

The internet went from showing food recipe videos to alchemy in less than a decade. There’s going to be a quick video on how to make the philosopher’s stone from tomato sauce next week. 


I WANNA DRINK THE TRANSPARENT SODA


leave milk out unrefrigerated in your house for 2 days

Some days ago, my sibling sent me this video out of the desperate hope I could provide the catharsis of seeing it torn to pieces. It has now been coming on 72 hours, and only now have I recovered enough to be able to do much of anything but scream, “WHAT?!” and “NO!” at the screen.
We had a long discussion about what in the twelve hells this video even is. A surreal, dadaist parody so obscure that our brains aren’t operating on enough levels to comprehend it? The Instagram lifehack equivalent of those terrifying procedurally-generated animated Youtube videos that farm ad revenue by playing millions of times to babies whose parents left the iPad on autoplay? A coded message designed to activate the combat programming of brainwashed cyborg sleeper agents? A post that slipped through a wormhole from an alternate dimension where the laws of reality are different? An emanation of a vast and alien chaos god?
I cannot bring myself to confront the claims in this video in the order they are put forth without losing my will to live after the first one, so I will start with the least crazy and work my way up.
Bananas to ripen things: More or less true. You’ll sometimes see advice to cooks to store underripe fruit in a paper bag with one piece of overripe (but not rotten) fruit to ripen it more quickly.Misrepresentations: It will probably take longer than overnight to ripen something as green as some of those tomatoes, and it doesn’t have to be a banana.
Coca-cola and milk: The coke is more acidic than the
 milk and curdles it, resulting in solid globs of milk protein which 
settle out. The brown dye in the coke sticks to the milk protein globs, 
leaving the excess liquid more or less clear.Misrepresentations: The video has been enormously sped up, which the editing does not make clear; the reaction takes hours.
Ketchup to clean metal: To my mild surprise, this is actually a thing (though you could just make a paste out of salt, flour, and vinegar and scrub with that and not get ketchup stains on everything)…Misrepresentations: …for cleaning copper and bronze. Which the jug shown in the video is not. The acid in the ketchup might take some of the tarnish off, say, aluminum, but at that point you might as well just use vinegar.
Sparkling water omelet: Omelet souffles are a thing.Misrepresentations: You… literally do not need the sparkling water… you can just beat the eggs until they’re fluffy…


“Warm water clears wax from fruits!”: This is a mysterious and arcane procedure called “washing.”Misrepresentations: I don’t know what the hell they even did to the video on this sequence but as a person who has washed many apples in warm water, it does not look like that and the thin layer of edible wax applied to make them look good in the grocery store does not come off that easily.
Sprite to clean earrings: Again, this will take tarnish off some metals just due to the acid, but…Misrepresentations: DO YOU WANT GROSS STICKY EARRINGS AND EAR INFECTIONS? JUST USE VINEGAR WATER. Also, “dirt” is not a kind of molecule. (Incidentally, if the earrings are silver, there is a vastly better method that actually reverses the tarnish instead of removing it.)
Insta-freeze bottle: This is a real thing…Misrepresentation: …which absolutely will not happen if you follow their instructions, because a) they neglect to mention an important caveat (the water needs to be purified/distilled) and b) 5 minutes is not long enough for a water bottle to supercool. If you google any of the myriad videos and articles of people doing this trick, you’ll see numbers like “3 hours in the freezer” or “40 minutes in a salted ice bath.”
There is video of the trick working. Either that footage was taken from someone else, or they knew how to do it, did it, and then deliberately lied about the time for no apparent reason.
Putting a broken plate in milk for two days magically fixes it: To my immense surprise, they didn’t make this one up; the idea is that the milk protein casein can form into a plastic at high temperatures and bind to the ceramic. Googling it turned up some hobbyist potters commenting that they’d used it to salvage things that had cracked slightly in the kiln.Misrepresentations: Once again, they’ve misrepresented the method: everything I saw talking about how to do it said to boil the milk and then soak for an hour, not leave it out for two days like an offering to the pixies. And most of what I saw reported about it also said it only really works on hairline cracks, not full breaks, and doesn’t hold up long-term because the real structural damage isn’t repaired. And may leave a faint and persistent odor of boiled milk.
Just use superglue.
“Reveal the genetic memory of the honeycomb”:
This is the kind of gibberish predicated on so many nonsensical assumptions that unpacking it would be more trouble than it’s worth. Plus, well, I can barely see anything with the low video quality, but what I can see of the vague blur doesn’t look much like a honeycomb in the first place. Suffice to say:
“Honey looks like a honeycomb” isn’t even in the ballpark of what’s generally meant by “genetic memory,”
what’s generally meant by “genetic memory” is also complete hooey, and
fluid dynamics is weird and swirling a thick, viscous, water-soluble liquid with a layer of water on top is going to do weird things.
But at least that I could potentially attribute to ignorance rather than deliberate intent to deceive, unlike…
Hot coals and peanut butter
This is the reason it’s taken me this long to post this. Every time I think about it my soul starts to leave my body. It’s such a mind-boggling level of bullshit that every time I’ve tried to put words around an explanation I’m quickly reduced to staring at the screen and mouthing “No” to myself in a voice of quiet despair, because I can’t even figure out where to start.
Well, okay, I guess I might as well start by saying I think their… let’s say inspiration on this was articles about scientists who made diamonds out of peanut butter and carbon dioxide. …With a press that’s designed to recreate the conditions of the earth’s mantle, and which is prone to exploding. So, you know, not something you can do in your kitchen. Unless you have one hell of a kitchen.
You can see the direct links to this in the nonsensical claim that this “works” because peanut butter contains carbon dioxide. (It doesn’t, particularly. It’s crushed peanuts mixed with oil. You know what would have a lot of carbon dioxide? The fire you pulled that glowing lump of charcoal out of.) It also mentions “pressure” when no particular pressure is involved, presumably because we’ve all heard about turning coal into diamond under heat and pressure.
Chemically speaking, there’s very little to make that crystal out of except carbon, unless you want to posit a mass migration of all the sugar molecules in the peanut butter to the center of the coal. And “carbon crystal” = “diamond,” and do you think if it was that easy to make diamonds they’d be that expensive?
I will guarantee you that crystal is a lump of quartz they covered in black crud and then peanut butter to pretend it was the charcoal.
But, of course, all of that is irrelevant, because by reblogging this at all, even to performatively despair that the internet does not seem to have come all that far since the days of Infinite Chocolate, I’m playing into their hands. Lifehack clickbait has done this forever- they deliberately seed in wrong or awful advice because people will share that to say how stupid/wrong it is. They led with complete insanity to get attention, and I gave them eyeballs on the video watching this, and I’ll be giving them more from writing this.
Maybe I’ll stick to the chaos god theory. It’s less depressing.
@ohnofixit


I apologize for being stupid enough to believe that video so reblogging the breakdown of why it was wrong.

Why you shouldn’t believe everything on the internet. 

                    
                    

                    
                
            

            
            
        

    

    

        
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        Ass, Beautiful, and Butt: did you know?
 did-you-kno.tumblr.com
 During a battle in 603 BC, Chinese warrior
 Xiong Yiliao stepped out between the armies
 and started juggling 9 balls. The opposing
 troops were so amazed that all 500 of them
 turned and fled
 did-you-kno.tumblr.com
 didyouknowblog.com
 facebook.com/didyouknowblog
optimysticals:

uovoc:

konec0:

sleepyferret:

shitfacedanon:

dat-soldier:

sonnetscrewdriver:

dat-soldier:

did-you-kno:

Source


back the fuck up

There’s another story that I like about a Chinese general who had to defend a city with only a handful of soldiers from a huge enemy horde that was in all likelihood going to steamroll the place flat within hours of showing up.
So when said horde did arrive, they saw the general sitting outside the city’s open gates, drinking tea. The horde sent a couple of emissaries over to see what was what, and the general greeted them cheerfully and invited them all to come and take tea with him.
The horde decided that this was a scenario that had “MASSIVE FUCKING TRAP” written all over it in beautiful calligraphy and promptly fucked off.
Whoever that general was, he was clearly the Ancient Chinese equivalent of Sam Vimes.


did he just invite us over for tea nah man i’m out

This just keeps getting better

I fucking love history.

ok but tbh that story misses a lot of the subtlety of the situation like ok
so this story is the Romance of Three Kingdoms, and essentially takes place between Zhuge Liang, resident tactician extraordinaire, and Sima Yi… OTHER resident tactician extraordinaire.
The two were both regarded as tactical geniuses and recognized the other as their rival. Zhuge Liang had a reputation for ambushing the SHIT out of his opponents and using the environment to his advantage, thus destroying large armies with a small number of men. Sima Yi (who kind of entered the picture later) was a cautious person whose speciality was unravelling his opponent’s plans before they began. So it was natural that the two would butt heads; however, since Sima Yi tended to have more men and resources, he started winning battles against the former. Which, y’know, kinda sucked.
On to the actual story: Zhuge Liang is all like “shit i gotta defend this city with like 10 men.” Literally if he fights ANY kind of battle here, he WILL lose; his only option for survival is not to fight. And that’s looking more and more impossible until he hears that his rival is leading the opposing army. And then he gets this brilliant idea. He basically opens all the gates, sends his men out in civilian clothes to sweep the streets, and sits on top of the gate drinking tea and chilling out and basically makes the whole thing out to be a trap
When Sima Yi comes he’s all like “yo come on in bro”
and Sima Yi is like “yeah he’s never been that obvious about his traps before. this is definitely a bluff” and he’s about to head in when he realizes
wait. he knows that i think he’s bluffing.
and so he gets it in his head that maybe, just MAYBE, Zhuge Liang has this cunning plan that will wipe out his army - recall that he has a pretty good handle on what his rival is capable of. And after a long period of deliberation (which is just like “he know that I know that he knows that etc.”), being the cautious man he is, SIma Yi eventually decides to turn his entire army around and leave.
Zhuge Liang later points out that the plan was based specifically on the fact that he was facing his rival; if it had been anyone else, there’s no way it would have worked. A dumber or less cautious person would have simply charged in and won without breaking a sweat. 
and that’s the real genius here: it was a plan formed entirely just to deceive one man, and it worked.

Zhuge Liang is the most brilliant, sneaky-ass bastard in history. One time his side’s army was out of arrows, which pretty much meant they were screwed. So Zhuge Liang goes and does the logical thing, which is build a fuck ton of scarecrows and put them all on boats. Then he makes the men hide in the boats and sail them out on the river.
Well, that day was super foggy (which Zhuge Liang had predicted. Did I mention he was also a freakishly accurate meteorologist?). So the enemy across the river sees a fleet of boats armed to the teeth with what appears to be half an army of men. They panic! and start firing arrows like crazy. 
Zhuge Liang lets this play out for a while, then he’s like, ”Ok guys that’s enough.” They calmly turn the boats around and go back to base, where they dismantle the scarecrows and pull out all the enemy’s arrows.
Zhuge Liang is legend.

I love this post. It just keeps getting better. Like seriously, I would have adored learning about this in World History.

        

            
            

                
                
                    Ass, Beautiful, and Butt: did you know?
 did-you-kno.tumblr.com
 During a battle in 603 BC, Chinese warrior
 Xiong Yiliao stepped out between the armies
 and started juggling 9 balls. The opposing
 troops were so amazed that all 500 of them
 turned and fled
 did-you-kno.tumblr.com
 didyouknowblog.com
 facebook.com/didyouknowblog
optimysticals:

uovoc:

konec0:

sleepyferret:

shitfacedanon:

dat-soldier:

sonnetscrewdriver:

dat-soldier:

did-you-kno:

Source


back the fuck up

There’s another story that I like about a Chinese general who had to defend a city with only a handful of soldiers from a huge enemy horde that was in all likelihood going to steamroll the place flat within hours of showing up.
So when said horde did arrive, they saw the general sitting outside the city’s open gates, drinking tea. The horde sent a couple of emissaries over to see what was what, and the general greeted them cheerfully and invited them all to come and take tea with him.
The horde decided that this was a scenario that had “MASSIVE FUCKING TRAP” written all over it in beautiful calligraphy and promptly fucked off.
Whoever that general was, he was clearly the Ancient Chinese equivalent of Sam Vimes.


did he just invite us over for tea nah man i’m out

This just keeps getting better

I fucking love history.

ok but tbh that story misses a lot of the subtlety of the situation like ok
so this story is the Romance of Three Kingdoms, and essentially takes place between Zhuge Liang, resident tactician extraordinaire, and Sima Yi… OTHER resident tactician extraordinaire.
The two were both regarded as tactical geniuses and recognized the other as their rival. Zhuge Liang had a reputation for ambushing the SHIT out of his opponents and using the environment to his advantage, thus destroying large armies with a small number of men. Sima Yi (who kind of entered the picture later) was a cautious person whose speciality was unravelling his opponent’s plans before they began. So it was natural that the two would butt heads; however, since Sima Yi tended to have more men and resources, he started winning battles against the former. Which, y’know, kinda sucked.
On to the actual story: Zhuge Liang is all like “shit i gotta defend this city with like 10 men.” Literally if he fights ANY kind of battle here, he WILL lose; his only option for survival is not to fight. And that’s looking more and more impossible until he hears that his rival is leading the opposing army. And then he gets this brilliant idea. He basically opens all the gates, sends his men out in civilian clothes to sweep the streets, and sits on top of the gate drinking tea and chilling out and basically makes the whole thing out to be a trap
When Sima Yi comes he’s all like “yo come on in bro”
and Sima Yi is like “yeah he’s never been that obvious about his traps before. this is definitely a bluff” and he’s about to head in when he realizes
wait. he knows that i think he’s bluffing.
and so he gets it in his head that maybe, just MAYBE, Zhuge Liang has this cunning plan that will wipe out his army - recall that he has a pretty good handle on what his rival is capable of. And after a long period of deliberation (which is just like “he know that I know that he knows that etc.”), being the cautious man he is, SIma Yi eventually decides to turn his entire army around and leave.
Zhuge Liang later points out that the plan was based specifically on the fact that he was facing his rival; if it had been anyone else, there’s no way it would have worked. A dumber or less cautious person would have simply charged in and won without breaking a sweat. 
and that’s the real genius here: it was a plan formed entirely just to deceive one man, and it worked.

Zhuge Liang is the most brilliant, sneaky-ass bastard in history. One time his side’s army was out of arrows, which pretty much meant they were screwed. So Zhuge Liang goes and does the logical thing, which is build a fuck ton of scarecrows and put them all on boats. Then he makes the men hide in the boats and sail them out on the river.
Well, that day was super foggy (which Zhuge Liang had predicted. Did I mention he was also a freakishly accurate meteorologist?). So the enemy across the river sees a fleet of boats armed to the teeth with what appears to be half an army of men. They panic! and start firing arrows like crazy. 
Zhuge Liang lets this play out for a while, then he’s like, ”Ok guys that’s enough.” They calmly turn the boats around and go back to base, where they dismantle the scarecrows and pull out all the enemy’s arrows.
Zhuge Liang is legend.

I love this post. It just keeps getting better. Like seriously, I would have adored learning about this in World History.

                    
                
            

            
            
        

    

    

        
Save

    



        

    

    

    

        

            



        

    

    

    

        

            



        

    

    

    

        

            



        

    

    

    

        

            




    

        
        
        
        
        
        
        
    

    

        America, Anaconda, and Doctor: 2018 CONGRESSIONAL
 DISTRICT CENSUS
 Congressional Datrict Masount
 Docurrent Tracking Code: N18PM113
 SECOND NOTICE ent a 1
 -you never
 Never
 agan
 DRNER EXCLUGNELY TO
 be
 qv
 eshon
 DOMESTKC
 Official census docue
 otart ecoronic issn

 a
 "
 missile
 defense
 shield" for our nation to protect us from future
 n? 6. Should the U.S. take a more muscular attitude toward Russia and
 should be guaranteed the right to choose their own 7. Do you agree that our federal government must go all out to combat
 Yes
 O No
 No Opinion
 missile threats?
 15. Do you believe more federal laws that impede individuals' Second
 Amendment rights are the proper response to gun violence in our natio
 D Yes
 □No
 □ No Opinion
 China as they move to establish themselves as military and economic
 16. Do you agree that in response to the Department of Veterans Affairs
 No Opinion
 veterans that t
 doctor and have full access to care outside the VA?
 cyberattacks on our nation's government, businesses, and infrastructure?
 □Yes
 O No Opinion
 D No Opinion
 SECTION V- CERTIFICATION AND REPLY
 1. Can the Republican National Committee count on your help to deliver By
 the
 ake America
 na wnen
 hehinkherefitling out the US
 □$100
 $500 $1,000 Other $
 the enclosed 2018 Congressional
 Please chec employed
 District Census
 Contributions to the Republican National Committee are not deductible for
 federal income tax purposes.
 Contributions from corporations and foreign nationals are prohibited.
 To have a direct impact you may also contribute to the
 Republican National Committee while online at www.GOP.com/Census2018
 Please make your personal check payable to: RNC
 310 First Street SE . Washington, D C
 20
 or

 43017
 2018 Congressional District Census
 Commissioned by the Republican Party
 Ronna McDaniel
 Chairwoman
 March 30, 2018
 Dear Ms. Stone
 Enacting President Trump's agenda is going to take a massive grassroots effort all across
 America. It is a battle we m st win. And we must maintain Republican control of Congress to do it
 That is why an the irw
 e Rep blican Nationa
 concerned that you ha
 namenl sent to you a the request of resicent Tump.
 DOCUMENT that was regist
 few being mailed into Missoun's 3rd Congressional District. Enclosed is your official 2018
 name as a representatve of Saint Charles
 was one of the select
 Ms. Stone, I am sendir
 other copy because your registered Census
 CONGRESSİONAL DISTI
 CT CENSUS DOCUMENT registered CODE #NISPH is in your
 e largest Congressional District Census ouP y
 en for a mideelection and
 we nesd your personal involver ent to make this essential project uccessiul. Compland returning
 your 1018 Census document is en
 trl to our abilit
 urrnt serch shos that the nation ide ong essional District Census we lave been
 ng President Trump's agenda and will be a deciding factor in who
 gether the critanformation and voter profiles needed to target
 condud ing is he pitha RN
 audiend es with t
 wins in November
 But withour nation so politically divided and the
 Dşmocrats and mainstream media spreading
 ving to be difficult to et the real facts
 fak neys about President Trump and his Presidency
 teso vecollect and update o
 sae o what Doald Trump has acc m
 the co ntry. That is whsr
 hattyou etu your Census
 istrict and
 inmaio on yoers
 ingto Make America
 em
 Ms. Stone, your participation in this national effort will provide us with the detailed data we
 oncerning Missouri's3
 os
 orta
 w the liberal
 empcrats in Congress and the radical speci interegrou
 ps a d thr left-wing allies in the media tht
 advance is legisla agenda
 has the supp
 e Amer can pe
 your 2 ,186 (AGRESSIONATBISİ
 CENSUS and do
 act now to c
 your best to get it back to me at RNC Headquarters by April 30th.
 lease include a generous cont buton of $25, $50, $100, $250, $500, $1,000
 d to help underwteeof this proAnd
 is
 hance our voter
 ethe Your grassroots operaton Ap ter
 tUI T
 all Anericans, and elect
 vels of government wI upper Presdt rm s eftrts
 I'm making this special appeal for your financial help because we cannot continue to
 ake major progress in taking our country back as long as the Democrats and the liberal media
 ent our message and hold President Trump's Presidency hostage. It is absolutely vital
 isrepres
 that we have the funds to fight back- and most important-maintain our Republican
 Over, please
 310 First Street, SE Washington, DC 20003
 1-800-445-5768 www.GOP com
veronicasanders:
houseoftombombadil:
The RNC sent me a notice of official census material that was actually a fundraiser for the republican candidates running in the midterms. The paperwork was presented as being an official document required to be filled out by law, but it was patently false. This is corruption. This is meant to deceive people into giving data and money to a political party under the guise of nonpartisan census data. This undermines trust in the census, local government, and the democratic process. This is beyond disgusting, and I’m mailing back the form to tell the RNC how I really feel about their bullshit.
Signal boost. LOOK OUT FOR THIS BULLSHIT!

        

            
            

                
                
                    America, Anaconda, and Doctor: 2018 CONGRESSIONAL
 DISTRICT CENSUS
 Congressional Datrict Masount
 Docurrent Tracking Code: N18PM113
 SECOND NOTICE ent a 1
 -you never
 Never
 agan
 DRNER EXCLUGNELY TO
 be
 qv
 eshon
 DOMESTKC
 Official census docue
 otart ecoronic issn

 a
 "
 missile
 defense
 shield" for our nation to protect us from future
 n? 6. Should the U.S. take a more muscular attitude toward Russia and
 should be guaranteed the right to choose their own 7. Do you agree that our federal government must go all out to combat
 Yes
 O No
 No Opinion
 missile threats?
 15. Do you believe more federal laws that impede individuals' Second
 Amendment rights are the proper response to gun violence in our natio
 D Yes
 □No
 □ No Opinion
 China as they move to establish themselves as military and economic
 16. Do you agree that in response to the Department of Veterans Affairs
 No Opinion
 veterans that t
 doctor and have full access to care outside the VA?
 cyberattacks on our nation's government, businesses, and infrastructure?
 □Yes
 O No Opinion
 D No Opinion
 SECTION V- CERTIFICATION AND REPLY
 1. Can the Republican National Committee count on your help to deliver By
 the
 ake America
 na wnen
 hehinkherefitling out the US
 □$100
 $500 $1,000 Other $
 the enclosed 2018 Congressional
 Please chec employed
 District Census
 Contributions to the Republican National Committee are not deductible for
 federal income tax purposes.
 Contributions from corporations and foreign nationals are prohibited.
 To have a direct impact you may also contribute to the
 Republican National Committee while online at www.GOP.com/Census2018
 Please make your personal check payable to: RNC
 310 First Street SE . Washington, D C
 20
 or

 43017
 2018 Congressional District Census
 Commissioned by the Republican Party
 Ronna McDaniel
 Chairwoman
 March 30, 2018
 Dear Ms. Stone
 Enacting President Trump's agenda is going to take a massive grassroots effort all across
 America. It is a battle we m st win. And we must maintain Republican control of Congress to do it
 That is why an the irw
 e Rep blican Nationa
 concerned that you ha
 namenl sent to you a the request of resicent Tump.
 DOCUMENT that was regist
 few being mailed into Missoun's 3rd Congressional District. Enclosed is your official 2018
 name as a representatve of Saint Charles
 was one of the select
 Ms. Stone, I am sendir
 other copy because your registered Census
 CONGRESSİONAL DISTI
 CT CENSUS DOCUMENT registered CODE #NISPH is in your
 e largest Congressional District Census ouP y
 en for a mideelection and
 we nesd your personal involver ent to make this essential project uccessiul. Compland returning
 your 1018 Census document is en
 trl to our abilit
 urrnt serch shos that the nation ide ong essional District Census we lave been
 ng President Trump's agenda and will be a deciding factor in who
 gether the critanformation and voter profiles needed to target
 condud ing is he pitha RN
 audiend es with t
 wins in November
 But withour nation so politically divided and the
 Dşmocrats and mainstream media spreading
 ving to be difficult to et the real facts
 fak neys about President Trump and his Presidency
 teso vecollect and update o
 sae o what Doald Trump has acc m
 the co ntry. That is whsr
 hattyou etu your Census
 istrict and
 inmaio on yoers
 ingto Make America
 em
 Ms. Stone, your participation in this national effort will provide us with the detailed data we
 oncerning Missouri's3
 os
 orta
 w the liberal
 empcrats in Congress and the radical speci interegrou
 ps a d thr left-wing allies in the media tht
 advance is legisla agenda
 has the supp
 e Amer can pe
 your 2 ,186 (AGRESSIONATBISİ
 CENSUS and do
 act now to c
 your best to get it back to me at RNC Headquarters by April 30th.
 lease include a generous cont buton of $25, $50, $100, $250, $500, $1,000
 d to help underwteeof this proAnd
 is
 hance our voter
 ethe Your grassroots operaton Ap ter
 tUI T
 all Anericans, and elect
 vels of government wI upper Presdt rm s eftrts
 I'm making this special appeal for your financial help because we cannot continue to
 ake major progress in taking our country back as long as the Democrats and the liberal media
 ent our message and hold President Trump's Presidency hostage. It is absolutely vital
 isrepres
 that we have the funds to fight back- and most important-maintain our Republican
 Over, please
 310 First Street, SE Washington, DC 20003
 1-800-445-5768 www.GOP com
veronicasanders:
houseoftombombadil:
The RNC sent me a notice of official census material that was actually a fundraiser for the republican candidates running in the midterms. The paperwork was presented as being an official document required to be filled out by law, but it was patently false. This is corruption. This is meant to deceive people into giving data and money to a political party under the guise of nonpartisan census data. This undermines trust in the census, local government, and the democratic process. This is beyond disgusting, and I’m mailing back the form to tell the RNC how I really feel about their bullshit.
Signal boost. LOOK OUT FOR THIS BULLSHIT!

                    
                
            

            
            
        

    

    

        
Save

    



        

    

    

    

        

            




    

        
        
        
        
        
        
        
    

    

        America, Ass, and Children: Students killed in U.S. SCHOOLS
 182
 Since 2012
 Troops killed overseas in COMBAT
 6.915
 A
 Since 2001
 Jesse T. Smith
 Like Page
 23 hrs-
 Here's the evidence
 6,915 American troops have died fighting the Global War on Terror since 2001
 7,182 School aged children have been slaughtered in America since 2012
 Mathematics suggests that American campuses and communities are the true
 battlegrounds
 commentary: At this rate there will soon be no students left to teach math to!*
 How long must we offer up OUR CHILDREN as collateral damage to the political
 mediocrity in OUR CONGRESS?
<p><a href="http://friendly-neighborhood-patriarch.tumblr.com/post/171919350487/friendly-neighborhood-ehrhardt-cisnowflake" class="tumblr_blog">friendly-neighborhood-patriarch</a>:</p>

<blockquote><p><a href="https://friendly-neighborhood-ehrhardt.tumblr.com/post/171919154515/cisnowflake-slumberinggirl" class="tumblr_blog">friendly-neighborhood-ehrhardt</a>:</p><blockquote>
<p><a href="http://cisnowflake.tumblr.com/post/171912390151/slumberinggirl-hominishostilis" class="tumblr_blog">cisnowflake</a>:</p>
<blockquote>
<p><a href="https://slumberinggirl.tumblr.com/post/171912081712/hominishostilis-wellisntthatspiffy" class="tumblr_blog">slumberinggirl</a>:</p>
<blockquote>
<p><a href="http://hominishostilis.tumblr.com/post/171911434693/wellisntthatspiffy-guynamedowen" class="tumblr_blog">hominishostilis</a>:</p>

<blockquote>
<p><a href="http://wellisntthatspiffy.tumblr.com/post/171898514507/guynamedowen-demonessdollie-tell-me-with-a" class="tumblr_blog">wellisntthatspiffy</a>:</p>
<blockquote>
<p><a href="https://guynamedowen.tumblr.com/post/171895027275/demonessdollie-tell-me-with-a-straight-face-to" class="tumblr_blog">guynamedowen</a>:</p>

<blockquote>
<p><a href="https://demonessdollie.tumblr.com/post/171887173196/tell-me-with-a-straight-face-to-my-face-that" class="tumblr_blog">demonessdollie</a>:</p>

<blockquote><p>Tell me with a straight face, to my face, that your right to own a gun outweighs the right for our teens and young kids to fucking live and go to school without fear of being shot dead. Tell me to my fucking face.<br/></p></blockquote>

<p>Surprise, less than 1% of the population that is armed and wearing body armor with aerial fire support and medical teams on standby tend to have a low casualty rate compared to defenseless schools that actively disarm law abiding citizens. </p>
</blockquote>

<p>Not to mention that A) OP didn’t cite any sources. Just put forth numbers and said, “Here’s your proof!” and B) the numbers are literal and complete bullshit. Since 2000, not 2012, around 250 students and teachers have died as a result of violence on school grounds.</p>
<p>OP’s numbers, if they weren’t completely pulled from their ass, may include all violence involving students regardless of location at the time, natural causes of death including of staff (heart attacks, etc), and suicides of students or staff regardless of location.</p>
<p>Tl;dr OP is full of shit and can’t cite nonexistent sources.</p>
<p><br/></p>
<p>Source: <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/politics/wp/2018/02/14/eighteen-years-of-gun-violence-in-u-s-schools-mapped/?utm_term=.39ee879d3086">https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/politics/wp/2018/02/14/eighteen-years-of-gun-violence-in-u-s-schools-mapped/?utm_term=.39ee879d3086</a></p>
</blockquote>
<p>OP is completely full of shit. That number is the amount of children the gun-control advocacy group <a href="https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fabcnews.go.com%2FUS%2F7000-childrens-shoes-laid-capitol-lawn-honor-lives%2Fstory%3Fid%3D53710394&amp;t=MjZmYjE4ZmI0OTc4Mjc5NDIyMTQyZjU3YTIzOTRiZWE0ZTFhYzk0YSw2YTJiMWRiOTc5YWYxM2E3ZTMxNjE4ZTdkMjViYjYwMGE3ZmEyYWMy">AVAAZ <i>claims</i> have been killed by gunfire since 2012, not students killed in school shootings. </a></p>
<p>That’s all children, including suicides, accidental discharges, driveby shootings, it’s grossly inflated and OP should be ashamed of themselves.</p>
<p>There are also less than 2 million active troops. Anyone want to guess how many kids there are in the US? </p>
</blockquote>

<p>People like OP don’t care about saving lives, they just want to push an agenda. </p>
</blockquote>
<p>If you have to be disingenuous to make your point maybe it’s not a point that’s worth making.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>in fairness <a class="tumblelog" href="https://tmblr.co/mqAXmF0_km0uU3TUzyTr4Qg">@demonessdollie</a> probably just took the statistic at face value out of ignorance, not actively trying to deceive people.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>I will say it with a straight face. My right as an innocent law-abiding citizen to own a gun, even those big scary rifles, has absolutely nothing to do with dead kids, and dead kids doesn’t give you the moral authority to take that right away from me.</p></blockquote>

<p>How can you look at those numbers and not immediately realize they’re bullshit? I mean seriously guys try harder.</p>
        

            
            

                
                
                    America, Ass, and Children: Students killed in U.S. SCHOOLS
 182
 Since 2012
 Troops killed overseas in COMBAT
 6.915
 A
 Since 2001
 Jesse T. Smith
 Like Page
 23 hrs-
 Here's the evidence
 6,915 American troops have died fighting the Global War on Terror since 2001
 7,182 School aged children have been slaughtered in America since 2012
 Mathematics suggests that American campuses and communities are the true
 battlegrounds
 commentary: At this rate there will soon be no students left to teach math to!*
 How long must we offer up OUR CHILDREN as collateral damage to the political
 mediocrity in OUR CONGRESS?
<p><a href="http://friendly-neighborhood-patriarch.tumblr.com/post/171919350487/friendly-neighborhood-ehrhardt-cisnowflake" class="tumblr_blog">friendly-neighborhood-patriarch</a>:</p>

<blockquote><p><a href="https://friendly-neighborhood-ehrhardt.tumblr.com/post/171919154515/cisnowflake-slumberinggirl" class="tumblr_blog">friendly-neighborhood-ehrhardt</a>:</p><blockquote>
<p><a href="http://cisnowflake.tumblr.com/post/171912390151/slumberinggirl-hominishostilis" class="tumblr_blog">cisnowflake</a>:</p>
<blockquote>
<p><a href="https://slumberinggirl.tumblr.com/post/171912081712/hominishostilis-wellisntthatspiffy" class="tumblr_blog">slumberinggirl</a>:</p>
<blockquote>
<p><a href="http://hominishostilis.tumblr.com/post/171911434693/wellisntthatspiffy-guynamedowen" class="tumblr_blog">hominishostilis</a>:</p>

<blockquote>
<p><a href="http://wellisntthatspiffy.tumblr.com/post/171898514507/guynamedowen-demonessdollie-tell-me-with-a" class="tumblr_blog">wellisntthatspiffy</a>:</p>
<blockquote>
<p><a href="https://guynamedowen.tumblr.com/post/171895027275/demonessdollie-tell-me-with-a-straight-face-to" class="tumblr_blog">guynamedowen</a>:</p>

<blockquote>
<p><a href="https://demonessdollie.tumblr.com/post/171887173196/tell-me-with-a-straight-face-to-my-face-that" class="tumblr_blog">demonessdollie</a>:</p>

<blockquote><p>Tell me with a straight face, to my face, that your right to own a gun outweighs the right for our teens and young kids to fucking live and go to school without fear of being shot dead. Tell me to my fucking face.<br/></p></blockquote>

<p>Surprise, less than 1% of the population that is armed and wearing body armor with aerial fire support and medical teams on standby tend to have a low casualty rate compared to defenseless schools that actively disarm law abiding citizens. </p>
</blockquote>

<p>Not to mention that A) OP didn’t cite any sources. Just put forth numbers and said, “Here’s your proof!” and B) the numbers are literal and complete bullshit. Since 2000, not 2012, around 250 students and teachers have died as a result of violence on school grounds.</p>
<p>OP’s numbers, if they weren’t completely pulled from their ass, may include all violence involving students regardless of location at the time, natural causes of death including of staff (heart attacks, etc), and suicides of students or staff regardless of location.</p>
<p>Tl;dr OP is full of shit and can’t cite nonexistent sources.</p>
<p><br/></p>
<p>Source: <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/politics/wp/2018/02/14/eighteen-years-of-gun-violence-in-u-s-schools-mapped/?utm_term=.39ee879d3086">https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/politics/wp/2018/02/14/eighteen-years-of-gun-violence-in-u-s-schools-mapped/?utm_term=.39ee879d3086</a></p>
</blockquote>
<p>OP is completely full of shit. That number is the amount of children the gun-control advocacy group <a href="https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fabcnews.go.com%2FUS%2F7000-childrens-shoes-laid-capitol-lawn-honor-lives%2Fstory%3Fid%3D53710394&amp;t=MjZmYjE4ZmI0OTc4Mjc5NDIyMTQyZjU3YTIzOTRiZWE0ZTFhYzk0YSw2YTJiMWRiOTc5YWYxM2E3ZTMxNjE4ZTdkMjViYjYwMGE3ZmEyYWMy">AVAAZ <i>claims</i> have been killed by gunfire since 2012, not students killed in school shootings. </a></p>
<p>That’s all children, including suicides, accidental discharges, driveby shootings, it’s grossly inflated and OP should be ashamed of themselves.</p>
<p>There are also less than 2 million active troops. Anyone want to guess how many kids there are in the US? </p>
</blockquote>

<p>People like OP don’t care about saving lives, they just want to push an agenda. </p>
</blockquote>
<p>If you have to be disingenuous to make your point maybe it’s not a point that’s worth making.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>in fairness <a class="tumblelog" href="https://tmblr.co/mqAXmF0_km0uU3TUzyTr4Qg">@demonessdollie</a> probably just took the statistic at face value out of ignorance, not actively trying to deceive people.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>I will say it with a straight face. My right as an innocent law-abiding citizen to own a gun, even those big scary rifles, has absolutely nothing to do with dead kids, and dead kids doesn’t give you the moral authority to take that right away from me.</p></blockquote>

<p>How can you look at those numbers and not immediately realize they’re bullshit? I mean seriously guys try harder.</p>
                    
                
            

            
            
        

    

    

        
Save

    



        

    

    

    

        

            



        

    

    

    

        

            



        

    

    

    

        

            



        

    

    

    

        

            




    

        
        
        
        
        
        
        
    

    

        Ass, Beautiful, and Butt: did you know?
 did-you-kno.tumblr.com
 During a battle in 603 BC, Chinese warrior
 Xiong Yiliao stepped out between the armies
 and started juggling 9 balls. The opposing
 troops were so amazed that all 500 of them
 turned and fled
 did-you-kno.tumblr.com
 didyouknowblog.com
 facebook.com/didyouknowblog
idontevenhaveone:

etienne-bessette:

futureevilscientist:

optimysticals:

uovoc:

konec0:

sleepyferret:

shitfacedanon:

dat-soldier:

sonnetscrewdriver:

dat-soldier:

did-you-kno:

Source


back the fuck up


There’s another story that I like about a Chinese general who had to defend a city with only a handful of soldiers from a huge enemy horde that was in all likelihood going to steamroll the place flat within hours of showing up.
So when said horde did arrive, they saw the general sitting outside the city’s open gates, drinking tea. The horde sent a couple of emissaries over to see what was what, and the general greeted them cheerfully and invited them all to come and take tea with him.
The horde decided that this was a scenario that had “MASSIVE FUCKING TRAP” written all over it in beautiful calligraphy and promptly fucked off.
Whoever that general was, he was clearly the Ancient Chinese equivalent of Sam Vimes.


did he just invite us over for tea nah man i’m out


This just keeps getting better

I fucking love history.

ok but tbh that story misses a lot of the subtlety of the situation like ok
so this story is the Romance of Three Kingdoms, and essentially takes place between Zhuge Liang, resident tactician extraordinaire, and Sima Yi… OTHER resident tactician extraordinaire.
The two were both regarded as tactical geniuses and recognized the other as their rival. Zhuge Liang had a reputation for ambushing the SHIT out of his opponents and using the environment to his advantage, thus destroying large armies with a small number of men. Sima Yi (who kind of entered the picture later) was a cautious person whose speciality was unravelling his opponent’s plans before they began. So it was natural that the two would butt heads; however, since Sima Yi tended to have more men and resources, he started winning battles against the former. Which, y’know, kinda sucked.
On to the actual story: Zhuge Liang is all like “shit i gotta defend this city with like 10 men.” Literally if he fights ANY kind of battle here, he WILL lose; his only option for survival is not to fight. And that’s looking more and more impossible until he hears that his rival is leading the opposing army. And then he gets this brilliant idea. He basically opens all the gates, sends his men out in civilian clothes to sweep the streets, and sits on top of the gate drinking tea and chilling out and basically makes the whole thing out to be a trap
When Sima Yi comes he’s all like “yo come on in bro”
and Sima Yi is like “yeah he’s never been that obvious about his traps before. this is definitely a bluff” and he’s about to head in when he realizes
wait. he knows that i think he’s bluffing.
and so he gets it in his head that maybe, just MAYBE, Zhuge Liang has this cunning plan that will wipe out his army - recall that he has a pretty good handle on what his rival is capable of. And after a long period of deliberation (which is just like “he know that I know that he knows that etc.”), being the cautious man he is, SIma Yi eventually decides to turn his entire army around and leave.
Zhuge Liang later points out that the plan was based specifically on the fact that he was facing his rival; if it had been anyone else, there’s no way it would have worked. A dumber or less cautious person would have simply charged in and won without breaking a sweat. 
and that’s the real genius here: it was a plan formed entirely just to deceive one man, and it worked.

Zhuge Liang is the most brilliant, sneaky-ass bastard in history. One time his side’s army was out of arrows, which pretty much meant they were screwed. So Zhuge Liang goes and does the logical thing, which is build a fuck ton of scarecrows and put them all on boats. Then he makes the men hide in the boats and sail them out on the river.
Well, that day was super foggy (which Zhuge Liang had predicted. Did I mention he was also a freakishly accurate meteorologist?). So the enemy across the river sees a fleet of boats armed to the teeth with what appears to be half an army of men. They panic! and start firing arrows like crazy. 
Zhuge Liang lets this play out for a while, then he’s like, ”Ok guys that’s enough.” They calmly turn the boats around and go back to base, where they dismantle the scarecrows and pull out all the enemy’s arrows.
Zhuge Liang is legend.

I love this post. It just keeps getting better. Like seriously, I would have adored learning about this in World History.

If you want to see this in cinematic glory, watch Red Cliff.
Especially since it makes Zhuge Liang look like this:
Red Cliff is 50% bloody battles and 50% eye candy and about half of that eye-candy is due to Zhuge Liang

@admiraloblivious we’re finding this movie and watching it asap

Ffffff-

        

            
            

                
                
                    Ass, Beautiful, and Butt: did you know?
 did-you-kno.tumblr.com
 During a battle in 603 BC, Chinese warrior
 Xiong Yiliao stepped out between the armies
 and started juggling 9 balls. The opposing
 troops were so amazed that all 500 of them
 turned and fled
 did-you-kno.tumblr.com
 didyouknowblog.com
 facebook.com/didyouknowblog
idontevenhaveone:

etienne-bessette:

futureevilscientist:

optimysticals:

uovoc:

konec0:

sleepyferret:

shitfacedanon:

dat-soldier:

sonnetscrewdriver:

dat-soldier:

did-you-kno:

Source


back the fuck up


There’s another story that I like about a Chinese general who had to defend a city with only a handful of soldiers from a huge enemy horde that was in all likelihood going to steamroll the place flat within hours of showing up.
So when said horde did arrive, they saw the general sitting outside the city’s open gates, drinking tea. The horde sent a couple of emissaries over to see what was what, and the general greeted them cheerfully and invited them all to come and take tea with him.
The horde decided that this was a scenario that had “MASSIVE FUCKING TRAP” written all over it in beautiful calligraphy and promptly fucked off.
Whoever that general was, he was clearly the Ancient Chinese equivalent of Sam Vimes.


did he just invite us over for tea nah man i’m out


This just keeps getting better

I fucking love history.

ok but tbh that story misses a lot of the subtlety of the situation like ok
so this story is the Romance of Three Kingdoms, and essentially takes place between Zhuge Liang, resident tactician extraordinaire, and Sima Yi… OTHER resident tactician extraordinaire.
The two were both regarded as tactical geniuses and recognized the other as their rival. Zhuge Liang had a reputation for ambushing the SHIT out of his opponents and using the environment to his advantage, thus destroying large armies with a small number of men. Sima Yi (who kind of entered the picture later) was a cautious person whose speciality was unravelling his opponent’s plans before they began. So it was natural that the two would butt heads; however, since Sima Yi tended to have more men and resources, he started winning battles against the former. Which, y’know, kinda sucked.
On to the actual story: Zhuge Liang is all like “shit i gotta defend this city with like 10 men.” Literally if he fights ANY kind of battle here, he WILL lose; his only option for survival is not to fight. And that’s looking more and more impossible until he hears that his rival is leading the opposing army. And then he gets this brilliant idea. He basically opens all the gates, sends his men out in civilian clothes to sweep the streets, and sits on top of the gate drinking tea and chilling out and basically makes the whole thing out to be a trap
When Sima Yi comes he’s all like “yo come on in bro”
and Sima Yi is like “yeah he’s never been that obvious about his traps before. this is definitely a bluff” and he’s about to head in when he realizes
wait. he knows that i think he’s bluffing.
and so he gets it in his head that maybe, just MAYBE, Zhuge Liang has this cunning plan that will wipe out his army - recall that he has a pretty good handle on what his rival is capable of. And after a long period of deliberation (which is just like “he know that I know that he knows that etc.”), being the cautious man he is, SIma Yi eventually decides to turn his entire army around and leave.
Zhuge Liang later points out that the plan was based specifically on the fact that he was facing his rival; if it had been anyone else, there’s no way it would have worked. A dumber or less cautious person would have simply charged in and won without breaking a sweat. 
and that’s the real genius here: it was a plan formed entirely just to deceive one man, and it worked.

Zhuge Liang is the most brilliant, sneaky-ass bastard in history. One time his side’s army was out of arrows, which pretty much meant they were screwed. So Zhuge Liang goes and does the logical thing, which is build a fuck ton of scarecrows and put them all on boats. Then he makes the men hide in the boats and sail them out on the river.
Well, that day was super foggy (which Zhuge Liang had predicted. Did I mention he was also a freakishly accurate meteorologist?). So the enemy across the river sees a fleet of boats armed to the teeth with what appears to be half an army of men. They panic! and start firing arrows like crazy. 
Zhuge Liang lets this play out for a while, then he’s like, ”Ok guys that’s enough.” They calmly turn the boats around and go back to base, where they dismantle the scarecrows and pull out all the enemy’s arrows.
Zhuge Liang is legend.

I love this post. It just keeps getting better. Like seriously, I would have adored learning about this in World History.

If you want to see this in cinematic glory, watch Red Cliff.
Especially since it makes Zhuge Liang look like this:
Red Cliff is 50% bloody battles and 50% eye candy and about half of that eye-candy is due to Zhuge Liang

@admiraloblivious we’re finding this movie and watching it asap

Ffffff-

                    
                
            

            
            
        

    

    

        
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