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Anaconda, Bless Up, and Costco: Good old boy still has some wags left I know people love to give puppies as presents on holidays bc they cute but keep in mind they cutely poop on the couch and pee down the heat - AC vent lol check out pet finder aka pet tinder and get your loved one a lovely doggo who can live out his or her last years with love. “But smash they’ll die and my kids will be sad! 😢” Well bish listen lol. That’s the thing. People were never sheltered from death. Their grandpa would die. Their dad would die. Their horse would die. Their mule would die. They pup would die. That was life 100+ years ago. Now we shelter all the bb’s from death and are they happier or more well adjusted? 🤔 FVCK NAH ... We’re less well adjusted than we ever been 😂. Don’t worry. Five or six year old doggie ain’t finna die tmrow plus he was already in a home before coming to the shelter so he or she usually house trained. Consider it, beloveds! “Smash my girlfriend Kelsey wants a pure bred newborn retriever she doesn’t want an adult doggie she’s doesn’t even like most dogs she’s very specific u wouldn’t understand sorry.” Aye I feel u bro! But Kelsey might be trash - I didn’t say she’s trash - she might be Mother Theresa - I said ‘might’!!! 🤷‍♂️😂. Just as there is tinder for pets called pet finder it’s also a tinder for humans called “regular a$$ tinder” - I never been on it bc I’m bold - stupid - reckless Enuf to ask girls out at whole food - traders joe - the gym - Costco - hotel lobby - intelligentsia coffee - the doctor’s office 🤦‍♂️😂 but it work - U might could find a comely lass with artful tattoos, hygienic nether regions and a love of old boyes - bam - dont Short yaself, YOLO Bless up 😍❤️😂
Be Like, Bless Up, and Chicago: Waiting to surprise my SO with this little nugget when she gets home from work. Reddit u/belatedpajamas @DrSmashlove Now people always wanna be like “wow how do you live in Chicago”, “damn smash Chicago is cold asf why not Miami”, “wow Chicago is big cold yuck.” OKAY. DUH. NOBODY SAYING IT’S WARM LOL. But the cold got benefits. For one, it make the holidays pretty. I don’t celebrate Christmas but all the pretty lights and snowflakes bruv that make me feel like I’m in a quaint, adorable little English village. On some “Cheerio chap! Yes very good govvenah! BRIYYANT!” 😂 U feel me? Heritage. Not my heritage - but somebody heritage lol! Fireplaces. Cozy lil fires. U feel me? Seasons. Now it’s also downsides. I keep water bottles in my car and them bottles freeze. No bueno asf. But a HALF FROZE bottle is a come up! If u catch it at the right point in the freeze life cycle it develop a water PP column right up the middle that osmularicizes coldness through water you pour into the bottle it and freezes it to the optimal gym water temp. Boom. One sip and u transported to the mountains of Norway bruv. U thirsty. U been walking for days. U come upon a comely Norwegian birb with a gaggle of aggressive huskies barking at u. U like “Ok these huskies don’t like my kind lmao RIP to me it was real”. She opens her mouth and whispers: “Jeg kan se din PP-utskrift gjennom din overcoat” (“I can see your PP print through your overcoat”). And then u like “aye short blond hair on white girls is sexy ol McCaulay Culkin Justin Bieber with a fatty lookin a$$ PAUSE.” And she like “come. Drink.” And she open her shroud which is made from a single uncut bison skin and she bare nekky and she put my head against her heart and pour water into my mouth like I’m her bb and I’m like “wow Scandinavians are wild but I love it.” That’s how soothing that half frozen ice PP water bottle taste bruv. Anyway then she fall in love with me and ask me to live among her people and I’m like “Jeg er her for en god stund, ikke lenge, du vet jeg” (“I'm here for a good time not a long time, you know **I**”). And she shed a single tear and I pet the huskies and depart homeward. BOTTOM LINE THAT HALF FROZEN WATER BOTTLE IS A GYM BLESSING BLESS UP 😍😂😂😂
Anaconda, Beer, and Bless Up: This is Ralph. It's his first time out in public. 11/10 good boy Reddit u/aaronr93 @DrSmashlove A necessary part of adulthood is obtaining that COSTCO flex. Without delay here go the couple gems u can’t leave COSTCO without. (1) Two Brothers coffee, 2 lb. bag, $17.99. This isht right HERE, bruv? This is one of them joints that pay for the membership itself. Do me a favor and go to whole food. A 12 ounce bag run u $12.99. Here go THIRTY TWO OUNCES for $17.99. I feel like I won the lotto every time I buy this. U will need a grinder but that’s light work - TREAT YOSELF. (2) Ito En sencha and matcha tea bags. You get 100 wrapped tea bags. Brew the sencha and then add milk and honey and then empty the matcha from the bag on top. BLAM. U a barista now. Have a lil lady over like “aye baby u want a fresh ground Two Brothers latte - it’s a local beer brewery that happens to make killer coffee - or do u want a green tea latte made with the realeast authentic green tea from Japan?” She gon look at u and a single tear will form in her eye. He ex used to drag her a$$ to Starbucks, order a $5 drink, and then pat his own body down like he the police and make HER pay for HIS coffee talmbout “I forgot my wallet baby I’ll get you next.” Now YOU hand-crafting her morning beverage from scratch. You upgrading HER off of that COSTCO flex. JEW HEARD!! 🤫😍😂 (3) MyMo mochi balls (18 pcs). One tray has six - perfect for Netflix and chill at the end of a long week. “But smash, that’s only three mochis per person(?) My girl like to eat.” BIH. I SHARE MY COFFEE + TEA. NOT MY MOCHI. I NETFLIX AND CHILL MYSELF AND FOCUS ON THE PLOT. SHE GOTTA GET HER OWN “oush cream” *michelle tanner from full house voice* FAWKUMEAN 😂. (4) Siggi’s yogurt. Siggi’s is made the Iceland way. Like the Cheeto said, “why can’t we get more immigrants from countries like Norway?” BECAUSE U BRAINDEAD MORON THEY DONT WANNA COME TO THIS SH!THOLE COUNTRY THAT ELECTED YOU 😂. This is natural skyr yogurt that taste sweet + wondrous like the Nani of a comely, tall blond Icelandic woman wearing only fur boots, whispering sweet nothings in your ear that vaguely sound German but mostly like gibberish. Now u too can COSTCO flex. Bless up 😍😂😂😂
Best Friend, Bless Up, and College: You can see the meaning of the universe in those two eyes. So my lil homegirl sent me a link to this coffee made by Dark Matter that’s called Unicorn Blood. Tried it. Not gon lie, delicious. But Unicorn Blood? Y’all doin too much. U coffee roasters Bruv a lot of y’all getting real comfortable selling good (but not life changing) coffee for $15.99 a bag and I’m thinking I might come for y’all. Coffee is my thing and if I had the time and the roasting equipment, I could stomp y’all out completely. And I know what I’d name my coffee blend, too: Mermaid Period. Y’all think Unicorn Blood is rare? Y’all ain’t seen rare. First of all a Unicorn is just a horse with a horn. That sh!t low key basic. A good plastic surgeon could make one. If a plastic surgeon could make the Kardashians Black bruv? He could throw a horn on a horse nah that’s basic. Mermaids? Bruv that’s half woman half fish. Up top she a sexy, comely ginger with seashells on her Tetas. Waist down? All flipper. Where’s the Punani? Exactly. Even if a mermaid had a Punani (which she can’t because issa flipper), would she even have a period? How? Do she wear faded, washed 7,000 times, soft-as-silk (😍) Period panty granny panties over her flipper? Or do she just freeball it bleeding out her sweet, precious, mythical, menstrual magnificence into the ocean with reckless abandon so that if a random scuba diver named Aiden from Newport Beach with floopy blond hair is swimming by and perchance catches a glorious taste, his heart explodes with love and affection and his head pops off his body and his scuba diving companion William is at his funeral just like “I know y’all will never believe me because I used to drop acid when I attended college but my best friend died after inhaling Mermaid Period then his head popped off his body and a shark ate it good night 😢.” Bam. Straight like that. It will be beautifully rich, reddish in color, deliciously fragrant, and invigorating - just like regular Period (But I’ll call it Mermaid Period because y’all love it when these beverage companies are extra 🤗). Coming to your grocery aisle fall 2018. Starbucks, Peet’s and Dark Matter - y’all on notice. Bless up 🤗😂😂😂
Asian, Children, and Crazy: There is all of this hope in their eyes, the type of hope that gives you reason for living, the type of hope that makes you want to tell your friends... When I look into their eyes their joy is passed on to me, and I really need it, because as I read more, and as I travel more I realise how crazy men can be. European, African, Chinese, Indian, Asian, indigenous, it seldom matters, when it comes to human males, there is a real level of evil, they that have carried out through the history of ages, an evil that has come to rule this earth. I want love to win, I really do... but we still celebrate violence and power so much. (Not talking about Black power, which is a resistance to racism and white supremacist ideologies, I'm just talking about greed and unnecessary power, dictatorships and tyranny) I don't critique systems because I hate life, I question them because I love life. I want us all to do better. I ask myself in everything I do, will this benefit humanity? Am I improving the planet..? Many do nothing they are just existing, many are barely surviving, there are many good humans and some are trying to destroy everything for profit. I think the people reading this are the people who are the forces of good. Otherwise you wouldn't put up with all of my hopeful ideas and resistance against brutalities, murder, rape etc. The only way that things will change is if we change our lifestyles. The broken systems can only run with us conforming and fuelling them. There are so many problems caused by human males, but at the same time there are so many solutions. I am trying to be part of the solutions and on my darkest days, which we all have, I scroll through pictures and videos of the children. Hoping that I am not only able to provide for them and protect them, but raise them to be a part of our future solutions. This keeps me on the path, there are only two options for me now, either I create new systems and raise the vibration of humanity or I die trying. Either way this is now my life's purpose ❤️🖤💚

There is all of this hope in their eyes, the type of hope that gives you reason for living, the type of hope that makes you want to tell you...

Best Friend, Dating, and Fall: "And We created you in pairs" Qur'an (78:8) I REALLY LOVE THIS STORY, SUCH A GREAT LESSON. My husband doesn't have a lot, neither of us do. We scrape and scrape to pay bills and put food in our bellies, but after almost 2 years of dating we decided that we couldn't wait anymore, so we didn't. I wasn't even thinking about rings, I just wanted to marry my best friend, but he wouldn't have it. He scraped up just enough money to buy me two matching rings from Pandora. Sterling silver and CZ to be exact. That's what sits on my ring finger, and I am so in love with them. . - While we were purchasing my rings however, another lady that was working there came over to help the lady selling them to us. She said, "Y'all can you believe that some men get these as engagement rings? How pathetic." When she said that I watched my now husband's face fall. He already felt like a failure, asking me again and again "Are you sure you'll be happy with these? Are you sure this is okay?" He was so upset at the idea of not making me happy enough and of me not wanting to marry him because my rings didn't cost enough money or weren't flashy enough. . - I said, "It isn't the ring that matters, it is the love that goes into buying one that is." We bought the rings and left. Y'all I would have gotten married to this man if it had been a 25¢ gum ball machine ring. When did our nation fall so far to think the only way a man can truly love a woman is if he buys her $3,000+ jewelry and makes a public decree of his affection with said flashy ring? Sure they are nice, sure the sentiment is wonderful and I'm not trying to cut down any of your experiences, but when did it come to all that? Why do material possessions equate love?? . - My husband was so afraid of me not wanting him because he couldn't afford a piece of jewelry. He was afraid that the love I have for him would pale because he couldn't afford the wedding set I wanted. The world has made it this way and it is so sad. But here I am though, Court-House married, $130 ring set, the love of my life by my side and happier than I could ever imagine." ▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃ @abed.alii 📝

I REALLY LOVE THIS STORY, SUCH A GREAT LESSON. My husband doesn't have a lot, neither of us do. We scrape and scrape to pay bills and put fo...

Ass, Baseball, and Be Like: When your pets are your life: 6 Now two of my favorite Lollapalooza-goers who stand out prominently against a sea of kiddos wearing their best $24.99 H+M music festival outfit are what I affectionately call OAMs (old ass men 👴😂). This one come in 2 varieties. The first one is The Hatfish. Low key he got a baby face. He might could be 43 but he easily pass for 27. And he wearing a Cubs cap low on his face with the extra curvy bill and he got nice brown hair peeking out the bottom of the cap. For all u know he mid 20s. But ladies if u yank the cap off, u gon see some David Copperfeel magic: young, attractive Fred with the baseball cap gon transform immeejally into Mr. Fred Stevenson, M.Ed., the middle school principal. Now u thinking to yourself: why don't homie just shave his head? Simple: nobody will ever touch his baseball cap 😂. Homie might even keep it on during sex like he filming a p0rno. That's why I'm telling y'all if u want the full picture, take it off - or else u could wake up next to your principal thinking issa nightmare where u begging him not to give u detention and he think u role playing and wanna go another round (I know some of you freaks will like that in which case go head witchoe perverted ass! 😂) Now the second OAM ain't hiding shit. He at the festival in a J Crew t shirt, straight leg jeans and Vans with a full head of silver hair. This MF look like a VP at yo company because he IS a VP at yo company 😂. Homeboy took 4 days off and he prowling for a girl who need a daddy. And I ain't talkin "daddy" like in a sexy playful way nah he tryina be somebody FATHER. He tryina SUPPORT u and put u on the PAYROLL 😂. He lookin for that girl whose papa wasn't around and she gon meet him and be like "he's old but he'll be my daddy 😚" like real, real deep emotional holes being filled RN. Anyway OAMs should be able to enjoy music like everyone else, I ain't mad unless they being predatory in which case: if u see something, SAY something. Lots of roofies getting dropped these next 4 days - u might could save a life - if u not comfortable snitching then at least talk to the girl - IT'S NOT COCK BLOCKING IF SHE AINT LUCID! Bless up 😍