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Advice, Brains, and Coca-Cola: Peanut butter spaceorphan18: sulkingheals: downtroddendeity: jacemp3: monkeysaysficus: audrey-hepbae: catchymemes: 10 tricks you didn’t know you could do with your food. By Blossom The internet went from showing food recipe videos to alchemy in less than a decade. There’s going to be a quick video on how to make the philosopher’s stone from tomato sauce next week.  I WANNA DRINK THE TRANSPARENT SODA leave milk out unrefrigerated in your house for 2 days Some days ago, my sibling sent me this video out of the desperate hope I could provide the catharsis of seeing it torn to pieces. It has now been coming on 72 hours, and only now have I recovered enough to be able to do much of anything but scream, “WHAT?!” and “NO!” at the screen. We had a long discussion about what in the twelve hells this video even is. A surreal, dadaist parody so obscure that our brains aren’t operating on enough levels to comprehend it? The Instagram lifehack equivalent of those terrifying procedurally-generated animated Youtube videos that farm ad revenue by playing millions of times to babies whose parents left the iPad on autoplay? A coded message designed to activate the combat programming of brainwashed cyborg sleeper agents? A post that slipped through a wormhole from an alternate dimension where the laws of reality are different? An emanation of a vast and alien chaos god? I cannot bring myself to confront the claims in this video in the order they are put forth without losing my will to live after the first one, so I will start with the least crazy and work my way up. Bananas to ripen things: More or less true. You’ll sometimes see advice to cooks to store underripe fruit in a paper bag with one piece of overripe (but not rotten) fruit to ripen it more quickly.Misrepresentations: It will probably take longer than overnight to ripen something as green as some of those tomatoes, and it doesn’t have to be a banana. Coca-cola and milk: The coke is more acidic than the milk and curdles it, resulting in solid globs of milk protein which settle out. The brown dye in the coke sticks to the milk protein globs, leaving the excess liquid more or less clear.Misrepresentations: The video has been enormously sped up, which the editing does not make clear; the reaction takes hours. Ketchup to clean metal: To my mild surprise, this is actually a thing (though you could just make a paste out of salt, flour, and vinegar and scrub with that and not get ketchup stains on everything)…Misrepresentations: …for cleaning copper and bronze. Which the jug shown in the video is not. The acid in the ketchup might take some of the tarnish off, say, aluminum, but at that point you might as well just use vinegar. Sparkling water omelet: Omelet souffles are a thing.Misrepresentations: You… literally do not need the sparkling water… you can just beat the eggs until they’re fluffy… “Warm water clears wax from fruits!”: This is a mysterious and arcane procedure called “washing.”Misrepresentations: I don’t know what the hell they even did to the video on this sequence but as a person who has washed many apples in warm water, it does not look like that and the thin layer of edible wax applied to make them look good in the grocery store does not come off that easily. Sprite to clean earrings: Again, this will take tarnish off some metals just due to the acid, but…Misrepresentations: DO YOU WANT GROSS STICKY EARRINGS AND EAR INFECTIONS? JUST USE VINEGAR WATER. Also, “dirt” is not a kind of molecule. (Incidentally, if the earrings are silver, there is a vastly better method that actually reverses the tarnish instead of removing it.) Insta-freeze bottle: This is a real thing…Misrepresentation: …which absolutely will not happen if you follow their instructions, because a) they neglect to mention an important caveat (the water needs to be purified/distilled) and b) 5 minutes is not long enough for a water bottle to supercool. If you google any of the myriad videos and articles of people doing this trick, you’ll see numbers like “3 hours in the freezer” or “40 minutes in a salted ice bath.” There is video of the trick working. Either that footage was taken from someone else, or they knew how to do it, did it, and then deliberately lied about the time for no apparent reason. Putting a broken plate in milk for two days magically fixes it: To my immense surprise, they didn’t make this one up; the idea is that the milk protein casein can form into a plastic at high temperatures and bind to the ceramic. Googling it turned up some hobbyist potters commenting that they’d used it to salvage things that had cracked slightly in the kiln.Misrepresentations: Once again, they’ve misrepresented the method: everything I saw talking about how to do it said to boil the milk and then soak for an hour, not leave it out for two days like an offering to the pixies. And most of what I saw reported about it also said it only really works on hairline cracks, not full breaks, and doesn’t hold up long-term because the real structural damage isn’t repaired. And may leave a faint and persistent odor of boiled milk. Just use superglue. “Reveal the genetic memory of the honeycomb”: This is the kind of gibberish predicated on so many nonsensical assumptions that unpacking it would be more trouble than it’s worth. Plus, well, I can barely see anything with the low video quality, but what I can see of the vague blur doesn’t look much like a honeycomb in the first place. Suffice to say: “Honey looks like a honeycomb” isn’t even in the ballpark of what’s generally meant by “genetic memory,” what’s generally meant by “genetic memory” is also complete hooey, and fluid dynamics is weird and swirling a thick, viscous, water-soluble liquid with a layer of water on top is going to do weird things. But at least that I could potentially attribute to ignorance rather than deliberate intent to deceive, unlike… Hot coals and peanut butter This is the reason it’s taken me this long to post this. Every time I think about it my soul starts to leave my body. It’s such a mind-boggling level of bullshit that every time I’ve tried to put words around an explanation I’m quickly reduced to staring at the screen and mouthing “No” to myself in a voice of quiet despair, because I can’t even figure out where to start. Well, okay, I guess I might as well start by saying I think their… let’s say inspiration on this was articles about scientists who made diamonds out of peanut butter and carbon dioxide. …With a press that’s designed to recreate the conditions of the earth’s mantle, and which is prone to exploding. So, you know, not something you can do in your kitchen. Unless you have one hell of a kitchen. You can see the direct links to this in the nonsensical claim that this “works” because peanut butter contains carbon dioxide. (It doesn’t, particularly. It’s crushed peanuts mixed with oil. You know what would have a lot of carbon dioxide? The fire you pulled that glowing lump of charcoal out of.) It also mentions “pressure” when no particular pressure is involved, presumably because we’ve all heard about turning coal into diamond under heat and pressure. Chemically speaking, there’s very little to make that crystal out of except carbon, unless you want to posit a mass migration of all the sugar molecules in the peanut butter to the center of the coal. And “carbon crystal” = “diamond,” and do you think if it was that easy to make diamonds they’d be that expensive? I will guarantee you that crystal is a lump of quartz they covered in black crud and then peanut butter to pretend it was the charcoal. But, of course, all of that is irrelevant, because by reblogging this at all, even to performatively despair that the internet does not seem to have come all that far since the days of Infinite Chocolate, I’m playing into their hands. Lifehack clickbait has done this forever- they deliberately seed in wrong or awful advice because people will share that to say how stupid/wrong it is. They led with complete insanity to get attention, and I gave them eyeballs on the video watching this, and I’ll be giving them more from writing this. Maybe I’ll stick to the chaos god theory. It’s less depressing. @ohnofixit I apologize for being stupid enough to believe that video so reblogging the breakdown of why it was wrong. Why you shouldn’t believe everything on the internet. 
America, Anaconda, and Bad: KEEP REFRIGERATED SELL BY 1% LOWFAT MILK 3-308 Marva Maid re armer Owne 100 LOWFATMILK 1% MILKFAT HALF PINT (236 ml fangirltothefullest: feliciakainzandtorishai: thenamelessnarrator: face-puncher: dredsina: doctorwhothefuckisthis: gutsygumshoe: hakuryuusquad: some people think that school food isnt all that bad and that we’re just whiny teenagers u fucking get a rock solid jug of rotten milk then tell me that we’re just whiny teenagers My freshman year of high school i got applesauce for lunch and when I opened it, a cloud of mold poofed out I feel this post on an emotional level I broke my pbj sandwich on the table once, it smashed into 7 pieces. our hot dogs in elementary school were green Our school would actually recycle pizza (it was pizza by definition only. However, it tasted and looked like cardboard with watery spaghetti sauce and the cheese you’d scrape off of a man’s ball-sack who hadn’t showered since 1989). If you didn’t eat the “pizza” from yesterday, they’d put a layer of new cheese on it, bake it again, and serve it to you. One time, I swear they re-cheesed/baked a pizza for a straight week until someone actually ate it. They were never seen again… If that sounds like I’m telling you a horror story, that’s because I am. We had supposed french fries; it was legit very raw and cold potato fried in stale breading. Most of teh meat wasn’t actually what they said it was and if you asked what was in something just in case cause of allergies or religious beliefs, they would actually fucking give you detention for hurting the lunch peoples feelings. Supposedly, our school served ‘spaghetti’ which looked more like cooked up worms [not kidding, they did NOT look like fucking noodles bitches] and the sauce was more of this meaty…tomato juice concoction and the parmesian cheese? That’s a fucking joke, it was nothing but powder! No, not like the stuff you get at the stores I mean it was like one of those baby powder type of thing, that’s how bad the parmesian was! Needless to say people got heartburn, and thrown up because of it. They still serve it. ATTENTION PEOPLE:  IF YOU FIND ANY EXPIRED/ROTTING FOOD IN YOUR SCHOOL YOU TAKE IT TO THE PRINCIPAL AND DEMAND THAT THE FOOD BE REPLACED FOR HEALTH CODE VIOLATIONS. IF THEY REFUSE TAKE THE EXPIRED FOOD TO THE SCHOOL DISTRICT AND THREATEN TO CALL THE HEALTH DEPARTMENT.  My mother did this when I told her our school was serving expired milk- it hadn’t even turned yet, it was only a few days older than the expiration date and the school GOT IN TROUBLE with the school district. After that they NEVER served expired foods again because the health department came down HARD on their asses. As an establishment providing food, they are required BY LAW (In America at least) to uphold proper health code violations. The school and even the school district CAN be sued if their food is proven to be unhealthy to consume and they do nothing about it.  So PLEASE don’t just throw it away. TAKE THE EVIDENCE WITH YOU. 
Got, First, and Just: My gf just got stickers. Our jug is the first victim.

My gf just got stickers. Our jug is the first victim.

Be Like, College, and Darth Vader: what's the weirdest thing about university e Anonymous sugarfey: jerushajingleton how nothing is surprising or abnor like you can be sitting in your kitchen at 2am eating pasta sauce out of a jar with a spoon and the only thing you think is "this is really tasty i wonder what it would be like spread on toast or going into the library and seeing someone sat at a computer wrapped in a duvet and thinking "that's a genius idea or seeing someone sitting in a lecture with a 2 pint bottle of milk just swigging from it and just being jealous literally anything goes. no one is gonna question your habits bc guaranteed they will have done something equally bizarre I once came into a lecture hall to find a guy dressed as Darth Vader in the front row. No one questioned this One of the guys in a discussion class was a Jeffersonian back-to-basics Guy, and lord did he make sure everyone knew it. One day, mid-lecture, he pulled out a big old glass, gallon water jug, and the thunk was so loud when he set it on the table that the professor blinked, paused, and we could just SEE him do a split second logic chain: IF I ask, THEN he will spend ten minutes explaining, but IF I just move on, THEN we will finish this subject And then he just kept lecturing 113,670 notes Reblogged 3 hours ago from zeussthundercock (originally from jerushajingletons) Tagged: college Source: jerushajingletons University teaches you to both question everything and question nothing

University teaches you to both question everything and question nothing