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Dank, Memes, and Mrw: It's done. Trolls! Five years ago to the day I started my PhD. Today, I submitted my thesis. MRW by Fairleee MORE MEMES

Trolls! Five years ago to the day I started my PhD. Today, I submitted my thesis. MRW by Fairleee MORE MEMES

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Alive, Beard, and Calvin Johnson: dail alexander Follow drucila616 How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces? These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy? ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, Ijust lie there ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at al WITNESS: Yes ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how I5 WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral.. ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? And last Stitch ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have stili been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law skrill-cosby oh my god these are great fuck this is like reading a jokes and not actual quotes Source 1,411,980 notes Witness v. Attorney: Dawn of Jokes
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Dad, Disney, and Life: nilesymon i wonder if magic is real, but only in a really mundane way. when i was little i could almost inerringly switch back to disney channel right as the ads ended when i was channel surfing maybe youve never accidentally crushed a ladybug underfoot. maybe your microwave popcorn never burns maybe you can spin around lots and lots of times before you get dizzy. is that magic?? honestly im not sure if these are magic or just small, invisible skills. im not sure which i like better My ankles never twist. I've always been rather active, I did track for five years (all the running events), and one time while running I stepped in a hole, lost my shoe, and landed sprawling about five feet away. I pulled my shoe on and kept running I have a coworker who somehow makes better coffee than everyone else even though the grounds come pre-measured and all you have to do is load them up and push a button. I have a friend who has inch long nails that never break. My brother can copy origami just by looking at the finished product and my mother can do the same with knots. I knew a guy who never made an error when typing Maybe we all have little magics, the kind that you don't realize you have. Just tiny things that make your life slightly better but are completely unnoticed on the outside. this is the cutest post i have ever read... Nooo I've actually shared this theory before. Like my Dad is really lucky finding parking spaces. And I've never cracked my phone even though I drop it on the time and have an average case. Like what if everybody gets one trivial part of their life that they're illogically lucky at? Non-stop fun at FUNsubstance.com Magic

Magic

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Alive, Being Alone, and Bad: Katie @YourRacingBelle Aug 15 Okay, one last thread. And then I'm watching Gilmore Girls. Idk what they're teaching about Nazis in school these days but here goes.. 275 7.9K 9.6K Katie @YourRacingBelle Follow When Hitler marched into Poland in 1939, my grandma was two years old. It was not immediately obvious that anything was changing in her town 5:46 PM-15 Aug 2017 from Alafaya, FL 1,351 Retweets 2,970 Likes OOOOOO 67th 143.0K Katie @YourRacingBelle Aug 15 Replying to @YourRacingBelle When she was 4 years old, she was playing outside when she suddenly heard yelling and screaming. She looked across the yard to see Nazis. 4 t 306 1.7K Katie @YourRacingBele Aug 15 And to see the dead body of her three year old neighbor boy who had been playing loudly in his yard. The Nazis were annoyed by the noise. Katie @YourRacingBelle Aug 15 They shot him dead on the spot. 3 years old. Dead from a Nazi bullet. Katie @YourRacingBelle Aug 15 A couple of months later, my grandmother and her family were woken up very early in the morning. They were told to get up and go outside 2t 250 1.5K Katie @YourRacingBelle Aug 15 They were marched to the train station. Her father got on one train. Her mother her baby sisters, and her were put on another 91 ti 252 1.5K Katie @YourRacingBele Aug 15 On the first day my grandma, who was five now, was in Majdanek, she and the other children were told to line up outside before breakfast. 91 tl 253 1.5K Katie @YourRacingBelle Aug 15 The Nazi soldier counted each child. One...two...three...our... ive...six...seven...eight...nine...the tenth child was shot. 2 311 1.5K Katie @YourRacingBelle Aug 15 The soldier told the children that any bad child would be shot. So they must work and not complain or be loud. Katie @YourRacingBelle Aug 15 My grandma was a Polish Catholic, which was only a couple steps above a Polish Jew. One of the officer's wives decided she wanted a child 2 t 279 1.6K Katie @YourRacingBele Aug 15 So she "adopted" my grandma. Changed her name. Told her her mother was dead. And that she was a German now Katie @YourRacingBelle Aug 15 The day the news broke that the Allies were coming to Poland, the German officer and his wife left in a hurry. In so much of a hurry... Katie @YourRacingBelle Aug 15 That they forgot my grandma, their special new daughter. She was found in one of the officer's homes after 3 days alone t 267 1.6K Katie @YourRacingBelle Aug 15 The Red Cross took her in, and they asked her her name, which she barely remembered. They spent six months looking for her family 253 1.6K Katie @YourRacingBelle Aug 15 They were eventually found, somehow all alive. Aunts and uncles weren't, but mother, father, and baby sister were 4 th 246 1.9 Katie @YourRacingBelle Aug 15 My grandma did not remember the Nazi officer and his wife with fondness. She did not view them as humans or benefactors. Katie @YourRacingBelle Aug 15 And she did not tell me this story until the day she took me to the gates of Majdanek. Where she broke down screaming at the memories. 4 t1 309 2.2K Katie @YourRacingBelle Aug 15 That was in 2001. 56 years after she was rescued by the Red Cross. Those horrors did not fade with time. They were ingrained in her brain 4 2.5K Katie @YourRacingBelle Aug 15 Studies show the Holocaust changed the DNA of its victims. Changed their mental make up. I live with that DNA, with that change. Katie @YourRacingBelle Aug 15 And if you believe that Neo-Nazis are "good people" or they "deserve a voice", I remind you of a three year old boy shot dead Katie @YourRacingBelle Aug 15 That is what giving the Nazis a voice in 1933 led to. It led to my grandma sobbing outside a place where she was imprisoned 10 500 2.6K Katie @YourRacingBelle Aug 15 The Nazis did not start with these things. They started with a voice. And a message. And it ended in unspeakable horrors. Katie @YourRacingBelle Aug 15 And that? That is why Neo-Nazis don't deserve a voice. Because those they worship didn't just talk. 91 775 4.4K
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Bones, News, and Police: Peaceful Streets @PeacefulStreets Following "Officer Cecil Garrett, 48, showed a "pattern" of pulling drivers over without cause after arn investigation... Clermont officer had 'pattern' of unlawful stops, prosecutor... The State Attorney's Office dismissed five cases after a Clermont Police officer was arrested Wednesday for falsifying arrest reports, prosecutors said. orlandosentinel.com 5:49 AM-28 Jul 2017 Jokey Jokerson @Tomkrajewski74 &-Follow Follow)v All cops do is lie cheat steal beat rape and murder! They don't protect & serve us. They only uphold the law,regardless of how unjust it is Peaceful Streets @PeacefulStreets Officer Cecil Garrett, 48, showed a "pattern" of pulling drivers over without cause after an investigation... .fb.me/3D3PaFFv3 6:00 AM-28 Jul 2017 black-to-the-bones: The State Attorney’s Office dismissed 10 cases after a Clermont police officer was arrested Wednesday on charges that he falsified arrest reports, a prosecutor said Thursday. Officer Cecil Clifford Garrett, 48, showed a “pattern” of pulling drivers over without cause after an investigation showed he didn’t run their tags before stopping them, Forgie said, adding that Garrett “lied” in arrest reports about when he ran the tags. Source One more vivid example of the fact that police officers feel like they can do anything they want without any consequences. Our society and the law taught them they can beat people without any reason, humiliate them and even kill , especially if they target black people. It’s unacceptable and we need to stop this ,madness as fast as we can. Just imagine how many innocent people are in prisons right now just because cops wanted so.

black-to-the-bones: The State Attorney’s Office dismissed 10 cases after a Clermont police officer was arrested Wednesday on charges that ...

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College, Fucking, and Makeup: nicejewishguy Wtf is sephora It sounds scary elasticlove isn't that the guy with the long white hair from final fantasy venatus no your thinking of sephiroth, a sephora is an angel belonging to the highest order of angels punlich No you're thinking of a Seraph A sephora is a second year college or high school student one-eyed-pom No, you're thinking of sophomore. A sephora is when you use your phone to take a picture of yourself lethalneuroses no, you're thinking of a selfie. a sephora is a calm breeze waffle-sorter No, you're thinking of a zephyr. A sephora is one of those Greek vases with the two handles and the pictures leeshajoy You're thinking of an amphora. Sephora is the web browser you have to use on iOS devices. animatedamerican You're thinking of Safari. Sephora is an informal term for the seven-week period of counting the days between Pesach and Shavuot in the Jewish calendar hhertzof You're thinking of Sefiras. Sephora is a bright blue gemstone best known for combining with Ruby to create Garnet and lead the Crystal Gems, training Pokemon, and/ or assisting Steel to fight against time's intrusions into our realm. rareandradiant-maiden No, you're thinking of sapphire. Sephora is ac- tually a part of a flower, it protects the flower in bud and supports the petals in bloom. jewishdragon No, you're thinking of sepal. Sephora is the wife of Moses, who lead the Israelites people out of Egypt osheamobile No, you're thinking of Tzipporah. Sephora was an ancient Greek poet who inspired a lot of lady-lovin' princelesscomic No, you're thinking of Sappho Sephora is the youngest of the five Marx brothers. optimysticals No, you're thinking of Zeppo Sephora is the Heimdall's sister flatbear No no no guys, you're thinking of Sif. Sephora is a venereal disease that turns your brain to swiss cheese, going so far as to destroy external features like the nose. Famous gangster Al Capone suffered from sephora. corruptinnocent No, you're thinking of syphilis. Sephora is that radiant feeling you get when you have found perfect peace and happiness. mettatonsbutt No, you're thinking of euphoria. Sephora's a fucking makeup store you dipshits. A sephora is a chemical element with symbol S and atomic number 16.
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0 to 100, Anaconda, and Finals: Meet Josh and Michelle. They matched on tinder since 2014 but still never met. And both of them kinda busy which took them 2 months to reply soo Verizon LTE 7:30 PM , 28% Michelle YOU MATCHED WITH MICHELLE ON 9/20/14 Nov 28, 2014, 11:04 PM Hey sorry my phone died! Nov 20, 2014 140 AM Wow you found that pretty fast. It usually takes me about five months to find my charger Nor 29, 2014 10107 PM Yeah I just wanted to make sure it was fully charged, 0 to 100 real slow. an 10, 2015, 10 45 PM Hey, sorry was in the shower Feb 13 2015, 12 25 AM Hey just saw this message, sorry I was in class May 18, 2015 441 PM Sorry Michelle I have made a horrible first impression, Fit really caught up with finals Dec 20. 2015, 8:3G P Hi I really do apologize for just now getting back to you, I've just had a really busy week Oct 10, 2010, 950 PM Michelle, I don't want you to think I'm rude, midterms are coming up and it's just been really hard to keep up with it all Feb 22, 2013 18 AM Hey Josh, just wanted to get back to you really quickly! Presidents' Day had me swamped recently, you know how it gets!! l72017, 211PM Type a Message Josh seriously wanna met Michelle but she dont wanna break the joke osh Avsec Hahahaha one day l'm going to meet this girl and it's going to be epic. Look at the dates of our tinder texts 12:21 AM-8 ul 2017 ClevelandOH O 12 11.26441.252 Michelle Arendas Follow sorry I'd reply but I need to give it a few months ! :30 AM-8 2017 t2581 5.439 Suddenly Tinder jump into their conversation because who the hel gonna wait another 2months Tinder Follow It's time you got together IRL You have 24 hrs to decide the city you want to have your first date in and we'll send you there! @mch nd twitter.com/Wes 03/status/ 025 PM-10 d 2037 t2 2,032 8,429 Tinder O Hi Josh, thanks for swiping right! Let's get you and Michelle to Maui. What's your email address? Tindert Im literally speechless! This is the most gracious thing anyone has done for me. My email address is Thank you with every muscle in my entire body 12 43 PM Tinder O Follow Aloha! We're sending you to Maui but you can't take two years to pack your bags! 04 PM-11 Jal 2017 13 722 4.973 Lucikest man on the planet Josh Avsec Follow Wow This is single handedly the coolest thing twitter has ever done for me. Be sure to check your DMs sometime at the end of August. 38 AM-B Jul 2017 13 241 3,412 Pro level procrastination

Pro level procrastination

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Club, Grandma, and Journey: A elderly woman who decided to chuck a load of coins into a plane's engine for good luck ended up delaying a flight in Shanghai, a Chinese airline has confirmed. The 80-year-old passenger threw her change at the China Southern Airlines flight as she crossed the tarmac to board on Tuesday She threw the coins as she prayed for safety and so they would have a smooth journey, she told police. Only one of the nine coins she threw managed to lodge itself into its intended target but this was enough to mean that the 150 passengers on board had to wait around for several hours. Police were called to Shanghai Pudong International Airport after a passenger noticed the woman's weird behaviour The woman was travelling with her husband, daughter and son-in-law Flight Follow China Southern Flight 380 was delayed at Shanghai Pudong Int'l Airport on Tues after an elderly woman threw coins into the engine for luck "In order to make sure the flight is safe, China Southern maintenance has conducted a full examination of the plane's engine," China Southern Airlines said in a statement on the microblogging site Weibo. They also tweeted a picture of the coins. "After an investigation the involved passenger, surnamed Qiu, said she threw the coins to pray for safety. According to Qiu's neighbour Qiu believes in Buddhism," the police said. The flight took off five hours later Chinese people took to the social media site Weibo for a bit of banter about the ordeal, with one user commenting: "Grandma, this is not a wish fountain with turtles. Total value of the coins adds up to 1.7 yuan found (about 25 US cents), but local media estimated the cost of engine inspection and flight delay could easily run in the thousands of dollars. POTATO ES laughoutloud-club: Flight Delayed After Woman Throws Coins Into Plane’s Engine For ‘Good Luck’

laughoutloud-club: Flight Delayed After Woman Throws Coins Into Plane’s Engine For ‘Good Luck’

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