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80s, Bless Up, and Clock: Meet Eddie, the Hospital Therapy Dog who is always carrying around his bookbag of toys and can always be found in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit @DrSmashlove Reddit u/Stuffy Unicorn Part 2 (see previous post for Part 1): He’d leap out of his truck wearing overalls and construction boots and a trucker cap - not Ed Hardy but a real one, an unironic one lol. And he look like Tom Brady in the face but he burly like Tom Hardy. And he got no shirt under the overalls just manly. And my girl like “Aren’t you cold?” And in a syrupy southern drawl he say “mayam - I werked one year as longshoreman in Alasker. One tam - my toes done froze off, lost two. But I survaved. An I don’t git cold no mowar. 🤠” He reach under the steering wheel, pop the hood, walk around, flicks it open, props it up with only his arm, grab wiper fluid out of the bed of his truck which also houses a deer he just shot, opens it with his mouth, pours the fluid, replaces the cap. I’m in awe. My girl even more in awe. He grab a blanket out of his truck and wrap up my girl and he like “just makin sure yer old lady’s warm, sir 😌. Would yall lak to come to my home for some deer steaks before continuing yer journey?” And I’m like “wow what a gracious offer u know what MSNBC and CNN are wrong about y’all, rednecks are amazing people” and just then. Right then. My girl hop out the whip. I’m like “WOMAN! IT’S SNOWING?” And she like “you don’t want steak then suit yourself I’M HUNGRY. We could have stopped at Ponderosa like I asked but you said we almost home WELL SMASH WE AIN’T.” And with that she retreat to the redneck’s truck. “But baby,” I said. “We got a nice home. Like the republican Family in Strangers things 😥.” “That might be true” she say “but money can’t buy happiness.” And just like that they ride off in the sunset. People always say “I was born in the wrong era.” BIH! NOT ME! In the 80s u could lose ya girl over wiper fluid! I’m not handy but I know how a Neapolitan suit should fit in the shoulder and how to tastefully appoint a living room with Eames chairs and Mies van der Rohe bench but still make it vibe with heirloom pieces like a grandfather clock! Bish I’m aesthetic asf! I was raised with sisters! And it’s ladies who, combined with my wondrous tung and pipe game, and my brand of earnest empathy, accept my type of manliness lol! Thank you God!! Bless up! 😂😂😂

Part 2 (see previous post for Part 1): He’d leap out of his truck wearing overalls and construction boots and a trucker cap - not Ed Hardy b...

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Ass, Bitch, and Clothes: Niggas whom say who instead of whom TTStorytime - "Momma I'm hungry." "Eat a sandwich then." "But I don't want a sandwich." "Then you not hungry are you?" You know what, fuck that noise. "BITCH I SAID IM HUNGRY NOW TAKE YO BLACK ASS IN THAT KITCHEN WHERE YOU BELONG AND WHIP UP SOME SUPPER." Is what I wanted to say. Instead I walked back into my room, closed the door quietly, and proceed to RKO my pillow in frustration. How dare she undermine me like that. She always has something smart to say and I can't say shit back. But today is the day. I'm running away word to my ancestors in the 1700s. I found my backpack, emptied out my school stuff, and filled it with clothes and other toiletries. As I walked out of my room, momma saw me. "Where you going little boy?" "Outside." "Why you got that bookbag?" Fuck, cmon think of an excuse! "Ummmmmmmm, son machine 🅱roke." I sprinted away as fast as I could and out the door before she could call me back. I got outside and it was colder than my wrist 😂👌⌚ Nah but deadass it was freezing and I didn't bring a jacket. Always listen to your Mom. I contemplated what to do next. I didn't have anywhere to go on foot, and it was getting dark. Suddenly I heard my mother's voice from inside the house and I ran so fast Usain Bolt would be proud. I dolphin dived into a bush and peeked. I saw my mother standing on the porch. Then I heard the dogs. "Go find that little boy so I can beat his ass." she took off their collars and they pounced in my direction. My fight or flight instincts told my ass to start flying so I jumped out of the bushes and headed into the woods. I spotted a creek as I was running for my life. I heard somewhere that the slaves used water to hide from the dogs. Being my only option, I did an Advanced Warfare boost slam down the hill and into the creek. Finally I was saf- "BOYYYY YOU GOT 10 SECONDS TO GETCHO ASS UP OUT OF THIS CREEK BEFORE I DROWN YOU IN IT." Fuck me.
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Ass, Britney Spears, and Chris Brown: I've experienced this once. I remember when my school had prom on a boat. Now everybody know niqqas ain't the best swimmers & I saw titanic, so my ass wasn't about to be shark bait. So me and squad was like Na but That's when our teacher said its gonna be other schools there too. Now all the girls in my class looked like A-town and that nigga that says "who ain't got no bitches" and to top it off none of them had ass either. This was a opportunity for the squad to take part in some interracial activities. I made sure we dressed fresh as fuck. We get on the boat & we was the only black school. There's always that awkwardness of being the only minority in a group. But I looked past that..I saw white bitches and I had to capitalize. After we finish eating the DJ started playing some wack shit. All the kids from the other school was really turnt to some Britney Spears and I wasn't having that. I had to ride up on him with the crew and tell him play the tunes from my IPod shuffle. We came prepared too. We all had our sneakers in our bookbag just incase we had to get light on some fuck niggas. DJ came in clutch and started playing chicken noodle soup by Webstar. You know I had our school looking like the last scene from you got served. The squad and I was letting it rain on these white bitches vigorously. I peeped some of them looking like they wanted some chocolate. That's when the DJ started playing some Jamaican music and everybody from our school was dubbing on each other. I was dancing with this snow bunny Jessica but she ain't know how to throw it back like shiniqua smh. I can peep the teachers from the other schools getting tight cause their students ain't know what to do. Life was good until I heard the DJ start scratching and the beginning of Cotton eye joe came on. What was this? Literally our whole school proceeded to our seats. All the other schools was trying to get turnt but I was disgusted. My eyes started to burn. Chris brown didn't die in stomp the yard for this.. I swore a nigga from my class jumped off the boat in disappointment. I haven't seen Joshua since.
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