🔥 Popular | Latest

Save
Cookies, Fresh, and Friends: Its not what it looks like <p><a href="http://wicthes.tumblr.com/post/174714945838/surrealmemes-src-you-find-yourself-looking" class="tumblr_blog">wicthes</a>:</p><blockquote> <p><a href="https://surreal--memes.tumblr.com/post/174711393016/src" class="tumblr_blog">surreal–memes</a>:</p> <blockquote><p>[<a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/surrealmemes/comments/8oeayq/when_your_parents_walk_in_on_you_creating_a/">Src</a>]</p></blockquote> <p>you find yourself looking for a late night snack. cookies? no, your body is craving something healthy, like fruit. conveniently enough, it looks as though your mother came home from the grocery with a fresh bunch of bananas. in your weary state, you meander to the bundle and pull off the first one in sight. ‘this should keep me satisfied until breakfast,’ you think to yourself. you place the banana down to grab a glass from the cupboard for water.</p> <p><br/></p> <p>as you feel around the back for your favorite spiderman cup (circa 2005), you think you hear someone laugh right next to you. you quickly whip around to find the culprit but no one is there. you’re spooked but too tired and now too hangry to care. you find your spiderman swinging-into-action cup and walk to the refrigerator for some water.</p> <p><br/></p> <p>then the laughter happens again. you nearly drop your cup and mutter a hasty “shit” under your breath. now you’re a little more awake and realizing that you probably didn’t just imagine it the first time. you look around again trying to find the sound.</p> <p><br/></p> <p>“psst,” you hear a faint whisper come from behind you, but there’s no one there. you believe ghosts are real but this is just too much right now.</p> <p><br/></p> <p>“pssssst,” you hear that same whisper again, this time you look down.</p> <p><br/></p> <p>the only thing there is the banana.</p> <p><br/></p> <p>‘the banana… is talking to me?’ now you think you’ve lost it.</p> <p><br/></p> <p>remembering those stupid jokes and silly games from your childhood, you pick up the banana and turn it in your hands. you swear you heard the whispering come from the banana… right?</p> <p><br/></p> <p>swallowing your pride, you slowly raise the banana to your ear while glancing around the room just to make sure your younger sibling isn’t playing some sick joke on you to share with their friends.</p> <p><br/></p> <p>“h-hello…?” you mumble hesitantly. this is probably the dumbest thing you’ve done in your life but you swear to god you heard those sounds. nothing happens for what seems like forever, until something does.</p> <p><br/></p> <p>as you’re about the give up your endeavor and admit insanity, a quiet voice escapes the fruit.</p> <p><br/></p> <p>“no one will ever believe you,” the banana chuckles breathily in your ear. it was so faint it could have been your imagination had it not been the feeling of breath blowing into your ear. you freeze in panic because what the fuck just happened.</p> <p><br/></p> <p>at the same moment your younger sibling walks into the kitchen.</p> <p><br/></p> <p>“are you… talking to a banana?” they ask incredulously.</p> <p><br/></p> <p>embarrassed and shocked, you stammer out a response, “i-it’s not what it looks like!” you exclaim, quickly pulling the banana from your ear. “it-“</p> <p><br/></p> <p>“whatever, im going back to bed,” your sibling frowns and walks out.</p> <p><br/></p> <p>you hear the banana laugh at you again.</p> <p><br/></p> <p>“no one,” it whispers with amusement. you swear you hear the smile in its voice.</p> </blockquote>
Save
Be Like, Bless Up, and Bruh: My sister's gentle giant German Shepherd wears a bow tie everywhere because it makes people less intimidated and afraid of him. @DrSmashlove Reddit u/tricksy_trixie Say Bruh shout to u pretty a$$ ladies with resting bish face (RBF) bruv I fux with y’all. I fux witchu ladies the long way bruv y’all sexy. I’m talking and u just eyeing me. Scrutinizing me. U feel me? Am I making her mad? Is she disagreeing with me? What is she thinking? I need that. That element of risk. Like u might could reach across the table and break a bottle over my head bruv. That sh!t dangerous to me that’s sexy lol. Scowl at me. U feel me? HANGRY - even tho u just bodied four tacos, a bowl of guac, and a large horchata 😩. I fux with that. And women with RBF do well in business! That’s why women get successful and ppl be like “wow Susan is a bish” NO SHE AINT! SHE JUST GOT SKRONG RBF! “David if you don’t start being reasonable imma stab this pen into your neck. How you gon explain that to ya kids? You could have given us $17,000 more per month for this amazing software but nah. You wanted to die on your sword. Well David, act like a bish you gon DIE LIKE A BISH.” I mean I still remember tryina explain to my mama why my sister crying and my mama already got the chancleta IN HER HAND - RAISED - maybe EEN a wooden spoon in the other - just preparing for that cosmic two-tiered simultaneous SHLAP - SHMACK - CRACK of the spoon handle to end my existence u feel me? “Wow smash what a childhood that explains why you’re like this no wonder.” Ok first of all ...... YES ASF 😂. Y’all could judge my mama all u want to but u can’t have 1-on-1 convo’s with all ya chirren once u have more than three like after that u gotta be efficient and the flip flop - wooden spoon is efficient ASF. All I’m saying is at the end of the day I love my mama and perhaps RBF remind me of her Resting Boutta Whup Dat A$$ Face all I’m saying is for u ladies who are like “MY FRIENDS ALL SAY I HAVE THE WORST RBF LIKE HOW DO I GET RID OF THIS”...don’t 😍😂. As Tupac said, “You are appreciated ☺️”. Now none of u extra-a$$ ladies who follow me DM me talmbout “can I ride the Peepington while slapping u with a sandal and breaking wooden spoons on u zaddy ☺️” I told u I ain’t into being dominated! (Nah but DM me tho if u gon do it 🤤🤫) BLESS UP 😍😂😂😂
Save