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Ass, Fall, and Hail Mary: I almost died today. Here is the true story So Iwas derping in my backyard today, picking up dog crap. The whole time, my dog was just sitting there watching me, enjoying the sight. So I go to the small section in between my trampoline and my fence. Now if any of you haven't seen my trampoline, it is really old and there are these black foam things on the bars that used to hold up a net, but they are mostly destroyed now. So I walk in the narrow space, and I get completely covered by the hugest web I've ever felt. All over my face, all over my chest and shoulders. I freak out, but I realize that there is no worries. I see no spider, and it would have to be a big ass spider to concoct such a glorious web. Well, sure enough, in the middle of my struggle to break free, I look up, and slowly, ever so slowly, I see the huge, black-brown mass of a spider about the size of my fist crawl out of some old, decaying foam protectors. I stare at it; it stares back. I look closely for any threads connecting us, and there, glinting back at me with sunlight, is one strand of spider web, connecting the hulk spider to my face. It realizes the fact at the same time as me, and thinks, "Yes! This boy's eye sockets will make excellent breeding holes for my eggs!! and starts a full on crawling sprint towards me. I freak out, and begin to struggle even more and more to release myself from this web. It reaches the halfway mark and sees me begin to escape, so it goes for gold. The Hail Mary play. A daring leap straight for the head. Time slows down. This thing has all legs extended, blocking out the sun. A sure death for me. My left arm breaks free from the web. This could be my chance! A quick and decisive left cross reaches the spider JUST in time knocking the behemoth against the fence. It looks dazed; begins to squirm around on the ground, preparing for a counteroffensive. I don't give it a chance. I take the poop shovel in both my hands, shout a battle cry of pure victorious slaughter and smash my enemy into a crumpled pile, each strike emanating a loud crunch of the monster's body.I emerge the survivor in this battle. Thank you video games, for my improved reaction time, lest I fall victim to fate Unlike Comment Share 3 hours ago you should probably go to TheMetaPicture.com epicjohndoe: This Man Should Write A Novel
Dude, Facebook, and God: The Entire Bible Explained In One Facebook Post. This Guy Nails It. 6 hrs e Holy Bible: the TL DR version (too long; didnt read) GENESIS God: All right, you two, don't do the one thing. Other than that, have fun Adam & Eve: Okay Satan: You should do the thing Adam & Eve: Okay God: What happened!? Adam & Eve: We did the thing God: Guys THE REST OF THE OLD TESTAMENT God: You are my people, and you should not do the things People: We wont do the things God: Good People: We did the things. God: Guys THE GOSPELS JesusI am the Son of God, and even though you have done the things, the Father and I still love you and want you to live. Don't do the things anymore Healed people: Okay! Thank you! Other people: Weve never seen him do the things, but he probably does the things when no one is looking Jesus: I have never done the things Other people: We're going to put you on trial for doing the things Pilate: Did you do the things? Jesus: No. Pilate: He didn't do the things. Other people: Kill him anyway Pilate: Okay Jesus: Guys.... PAUL'S LETTERS People: We did the things. Paul: Jesus still loves you, and because you love Him, you have to stop doing the things People: Okay PAUL'S LETTERS PART II People: We did the things again Paul: Guys REVELATION John: When Jesus comes back, there will be no more people who do the things. In the meantime, stop doing the things. THE END Unlike Comment Share and 7 others like this. That still was dr, dude 6 hrs Like 1 5 mins Like Write a comment. epicjohndoe: TL;DR Version Of The Bible

epicjohndoe: TL;DR Version Of The Bible