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Confused, Dogs, and Dumb: Qjl Im-15 asked: Your dog sounds amazing, you need to tell us about that door licking story Dumb dogs are the best! A revyspite normalgiraffes supergiraffes-archive We trained the dog so that when he wants out, he goes to the front door and waits Somehow in his little golden retriever brain, he interpreted this to mean "go to the front door, and lick it." If he's at the door, but isn't licking it, he doesn't need out, he's just chilling So, this was our routine - when he wants out, he goes to the front door, and licks it. And then we moved house, and he got very, very confused. He knew he had to go to the front door when he wants out, but this was a new house with obviously a door that was completely new to him. Despite our condo having only one door that leads outside, and him going out this very same door literally at least five times a day, every day, for about a year...he still has no idea where the front door is in this house. Absolutely no idea at Now whenever he needs out, he will go to any random door and start licking it. And 1 mean any door - the bathroom door, my bedroom door, my closet, the goddamn door of a kitchen cabinet, even. I don't know if he's really smart or really dumb. Because clearly, he understands conceptually what a door is. 1 don't know if he thinks my closet or the kitchen cabinets lead to outside, or if he's just hoping to find doggy Narnia, or if he's just hopelessly given up on ever being able to find the door by himself and is just doing the best he can, but every goddamn time he wants out, he's right there licking the glass door to the shower or something He doesn't alert us he needs out any other way. So if you haven't seen him in a while, you have to search room by room until you find him with his tongue pressed up against the linen closet because he thinks outside might be that way He's the biggest, dumbest dog 1 have ever met in my life and I could not love him any more. He's perfect. Here he is, patiently licking the door of my wardrobe I love this Dumb boys are still good boys

Dumb boys are still good boys

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Empire, Fall, and Food: BEANS MOLE J MEAT CHBESE RKE CILAVIZO SALsA Dear Guy Who Just Made My Burrito: Lucky Shirt in Comedy Corner abookandacoffee: its-rowark: misanthrobot: rowan-oak-o-flow: delgt: xopachi: skwinky: lntruding: Have you ever been to earth? On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain: You’re an idiot. Let me further explain: Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layerslengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern. Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY. When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito. And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what: Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND. Nope. My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET. You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers. And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE. What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN. I just want a burrito. In conclusion: You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys. UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”: A fucking fork? I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD. If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER. That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL. Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS. A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now. People eat burritos with forks? God is sorry he made us. (Source) I always need this on my blog. I can’t be laughing this hard in the morning.  Yes @kirkfuffle MY FAVORITE FUCKING POST IS BACK. Finally! I wanted to show this to my brother and I’ve been waiting over a year for it to come back! A fucking pack of lifesavers
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Empire, Fall, and Food: BEANS MOLE J MEAT CHBESE RKE CILAVIZO SALsA Dear Guy Who Just Made My Burrito: Lucky Shirt in Comedy Corner mybigfatgaylife: its-rowark: misanthrobot: rowan-oak-o-flow: delgt: xopachi: skwinky: lntruding: Have you ever been to earth? On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain: You’re an idiot. Let me further explain: Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layerslengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern. Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY. When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito. And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what: Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND. Nope. My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET. You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers. And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE. What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN. I just want a burrito. In conclusion: You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys. UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”: A fucking fork? I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD. If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER. That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL. Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS. A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now. People eat burritos with forks? God is sorry he made us. (Source) I always need this on my blog. I can’t be laughing this hard in the morning.  Yes @kirkfuffle MY FAVORITE FUCKING POST IS BACK. Finally! I wanted to show this to my brother and I’ve been waiting over a year for it to come back! I want this post and one of the “be nice to underpaid workers” posts to fight it out in the Tumblr Performative Progressivism Thunderdome.
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Advice, Animals, and Best Friend: HOW TO FIND A LOST DOG On day 12 of searching for my dog in a heavily wooded area, distraught and hopeless, I ran into a couple of hunters. They said they lost the occasional dog on a hunt but always got them back. What they told me has helped many dogs and families be reunited DOG LOST The dog ownerls) should take an article of clothing that has been worn at least all day, the longer the better, so the lost dog can pick up the scent. Bring the article of clothing to the location where the dog was last seen and leave it there. Also, if the dog has a crate & familiar toy, you can bring those too (unless location undesirable for crate). You might also want to leave a note requesting item(s) not to be moved Leave a bowl of water there too, as the dog probably hasn't had access to any. Do not bring food as this could attract other animals that the dog might avoid. Come back the next day, or check intermittently if possible. Hopefully the dog will be waiting there. I was skeptical and doubted my dog would be able to detect an article of clothing if he didn't hear me calling his name as loud as possible all day for 12 days. But I returned the next day and sure enough found him sitting there! I hope this helps someone out there who's missing a best friend. Good luck :) LifeHackable.com vastderp: adorably-confused-fallen-angel: sparklesmccheesy: ittygittydiddynator: iheichouguys: lifehackable: This is potentially life saving information everyone should know. No you guys this post helped me find my cat. He was missing for almost a month and I’ve had him for over 12 years. After seeing this I put his favorite blanket he always slept on outside hoping he would smell mine or his scent and he was back the next fucking day asleep on it. When my cat got out, we called and called for him, and then, later that night, I remembered similar advice to this, and so put his little scratching pad, which he adores, on the front porch. Not even half an hour later, I heard a thump, opened the door, and there was his big butt, meowing at me. Important and vital I don’t care that I reblogged this today I’m reblogging it again awwwww babies ;_; i hope everyone’s pets come home safe.
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Apparently, Bernie Sanders, and College: U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders 10 hrs Donald Trump tapped into the anger of a declining middle class that is sick and tired of establishment economics, establishment politics and the establishment media. People are tired of working longer hours for lower wages, of seeing decent paying jobs go to China and other low-wage countries, of billionaires not paying any federal income taxes and of not being able to afford a college education for their kids all while the very rich become much richer To the degree that Mr. Trump is serious about pursuing policies that improve the lives of working families in this country, I and other progressives are prepared to work with him. To the degree that he pursues racist, sexist, xenophobic and anti- environment policies, we will vigorously oppose him datgucciboi: c-bassmeow: to some of u who are saying Bernie is racist for making this statement you are  so stupid. Trump won because he was a populist. Populism and anti-establishment rhetoric were what the people were craving. You know who else was a populist? Bernie. Bernie also tapped into the anger of the working class but used it in the right way. Trump did what Bernie did but sprinkled racism, sexism, and conspiracy theories. Had the DNC not fucked Sanders over we wouldn’t be having this discussion. Almost no one would have taken Trump seriously. But we have to give credit where its due. Trump created a movement. Trump’s success is partly due to his ability to tap into the frustration of the disenfranchised white working class. Unfortunately he won’t deliver but that’s not the point. If you actually did research and listened Trump’s  speeches he did a very good job at pretending to care for the working class.  TRUMP won because he appealed to RACEST PEOPLE…pointBlankPeriod that is who he appealed to Black racist white racist and etc…and for anyone including Bernie Sanders the media to label them anything other then a RACIST isn’t only irresponsible but FUCKED UP! He called out trumps racism like if you can read its there. But its cus people like you who cant critically analyze why the dems lost that we will lose again cus the dems are partly to blame for this. Im not gonna explain it again cus apparently it goes through one end and out the other. Racism was a major part of trumps campaign but it wasnt the only reason why he won and people voted for him. The democrats were elitist, corrupt, and failed to motivate their base. No one is denying the racism in trumps campaign but nvm honestly nvm lmao omg this is hopeless
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Being Alone, Anime, and Best Friend: the-anime-man: sadspacesharks: dissypoo: airtrafficcontroller: sadgaywerewolf: dilhowltersboyfriend reliquiaen: AU where people age until they reach 18 and then stop aging until they meet their soul mate so they can grow old together i'd never die but imagine already being in a relationship at 18 and then at 22 you're both sitting there looking at each other and realizing that you both haven't aged imagine platonically moving in with ur best friend at 18 and then realizing a few years later that you've been aging together imagine purposely never finding your soul mate so you can reign eternal holy shit i think we may have stumbled upon the greatest romance/adventure concept ever What if you killed your soul mate so you'd make sure you never aged. This just makes me really want a story where the main antagonist is someone who has been killing their soulmate for centuries whenever they find them, and the main protagonist is the newly re-incarnated version of their soulmate okay but you guys dont realize the potential. imagine meeting a handsome young man who's seen as a player and sleeps around a lot and you notice a scar along his arm and ask where he got it. he just look down at his feet and said "i used to be a soldier in world war one". He's been sleeping around and hooking up so much cause he's been trying to find his soulmate for years but hasn't yet. Imagine going on your first date with someone and you really hit it off and then the next day you notice a grey hair and call them on the phone excitedly screaming and they both just sit on the phone hysterically crying and laughing. Imagine sitting in silence with your partner and having them say out of the blue "i feel so old when im around you... but... in a good way and thats the moment you know that they love you. imagine having a dog thats 18 in human years and it starts to get gray patches of fur because they loves you so much. imagine noticing you look older and freaking out but then stopping and getting super confused because "im not dating anyone right now.... which of my friends is my soulmate... WHICH ONE IS IT!?!?!?" and then they hopelessly date everyone they know in order to find out which one it fucking was. it was the pizza delivery guy the whole time. they went on 27 dates that all ended in confusion and heartbreak and it was the god damn pizza delivery guy from a month ago the whole fucking time. imagine someone dating their partner for 5 years and then having an affair. only after the affair do they start aging. imagine nuns who start to age after they ceremoniously "marry god imagine people getting surgeries to look older cause they dont want people to think theyre alone. imagine having parents who wont let you date anyone but they start to notice you aging and then you have to have a terrifying "surprise im gay and i have a boyfriend haha oops" conversation imagine seeing couples with teenage kids and the couple both looks 18. i could go on for hours. imagine immortal aromantics/asexuals Alternate universesomg-humor.tumblr.com
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Bad, Fail, and Fall: Area of brain deprived of blood Blood clot Blood vessel Blood unable to pass clot shinyhill: cumbermums:blue-sunflowers:kingdomkeeperstrivia: Because I feel bad if I don’t reblog… animeaves: hokarotsukino: mscaptains: STROKE: Remember The 1st Three Letters… S.T..R …My friend sent this to me and encouraged me to post it and spread the word. I agree. If everyone can remember something this simple, we could save some folks.STROKE IDENTIFICATION:During a party, a friend stumbled and took a little fall - she assured everyone that she was fine and just tripped over a brick because of her new shoes. (they offered to call ambulance)They got her cleaned up and got her a new plate of food - while she appeared a bit shaken up, Ingrid went about enjoying herself the rest of the evening. Ingrid’s husband called later telling everyone that his wife had been taken to the hospital - (at 6:00pm , Ingrid passed away.)She had suffered a stroke at the party . Had they known how to identify the signs of a stroke, perhaps Ingrid would be with us today.Some don’t die. They end up in a helpless, hopeless condition instead. It only takes a minute to read this…STROKE IDENTIFICATION:A neurologist says that if he can get to a stroke victim within 3 hours he can totally reverse the effects of a stroke…totally. He said the trick was getting a stroke recognized, diagnosed, and then getting the patient medically cared for within 3 hours, which is tough.RECOGNIZING A STROKERemember the ‘3’ steps, STR . Read and Learn!Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify. Unfortunately, the lack of awareness spells disaster.The stroke victim may suffer severe brain damage when people nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a stroke.Now doctors say a bystander can recognize a stroke by asking three simple questions :S * Ask the individual to SMILE ..T * = TALK. Ask the person to SPEAK A SIMPLE SENTENCE (Coherently) (eg ‘It is sunny out today’).R * Ask him or her to RAISE BOTH ARMS .If he or she has trouble with ANY ONE of these tasks, call the ambulance and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher.NOTE : Another ‘sign’ of a stroke is1. Ask the person to ‘stick’ out their tongue.2. If the tongue is ‘crooked’, if it goes to one side or the other that is also an indication of a stroke.A prominent cardiologist says if everyone who gets this e-mail sends it to 10 people; you can bet that at least one life will be saved.And it could be your own. First reblog post that actually saves a life. This is a life-saving post. the more you know yeah don’t think that this can’t happen to you or someone you know if they’re young. my cousin’s wife is 33 and she had a stroke last year I’ve had a stroke. It happens to people, and the more you know about this kind of stuff, the better.Because it could be important to know. LIVE SAVING. WOOOAHH. REBLOG REBLOG REBLOG REBLOG REBLOG  Had a family member almost die of one, so signal boosting because you never know when you could save a life.   My mother died after being paralyzed by a stroke. Please read this^ Also.. remember FASTIf you even have a suspicion check:Face - is one side different to the otherArms - can they lift both arms over their head equallySpeech - can they form coherent sentencesTongue - if they poke out their tongue does it point to one side or is it straightAnd also because the FASTer you get to hospital, the better for the stroke victim

shinyhill: cumbermums:blue-sunflowers:kingdomkeeperstrivia: Because I feel bad if I don’t reblog… animeaves: hokarotsukino: mscaptains: ...

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