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The Lesbian Porn Mystery: ofgeography tumbl Follow ou think just because I'm a movie star Idont have feelings. Well, you're wrong! I do have IM AN ACTRESS HAVE ALL OF THEMI ofgeography so here's a fun story about this movie. guess who loves this movie? mel i dol i love this movie. i love this movie so much that when i was in the 7th grade and i saw Tirst wives club 2" on pay per view i was like: HELL YEAHIl FIRST WIVES CLUB TWO!" NO ONE TOLD ME THERE WAS A SEQUELII here's the synopsis for first wives club 2 disgruntled first wives take their ex-husbands' new lovers under their wing. sounds great, right? awesome viewing material for a precocious 11-year-old. so i buy this movie, and like, three minutes into it i'm starting to feel suspicious?? like it's really low quality and my girls are nowhere in sight?? how come none of the first wives are the same?? how come they're alone in a bedroom with mood lighting?? why is she taking off her shirt?? why are they both taking off their shirts?? WHY ARE THEY here's what i did not know about first wives club 2 It is a lesbian porno of no relation to the beloved 1996 classic. . so of course l, horrified that i've accidentally bought porn on my family's account (and in that state of panic that kids work themselves into whenever anything regarding sex is mentioned), quickly shut off the TV and go upstairs and watch an episode of veggie tales to like, cleanse my soul and apologize to jesus, and that's that EXCEPT, OF COURSE you have to pay for pay per view . so the end of the month comes and i have completely put this incident out of my mind, haha, i accidentally bought porn, how funny, TELL NO ONE. right? and im sitting at a nice dinner with my mother, my stepfather, and my very religious aunt deb, and we're just talking about farm things, whatever, when suddenly my mother puts her fork down and says, "okay, there's something we need to discuss. as a family .AS A FAMILY and im like, running through a list of people i know who could conceivably be dead, and fantasizing about my mother announcing that she's going to buy me My Own Computer Just Because U Eaned It Kiddo, and she puls out a piece of paper that says DIRECTV across the top. and Im like: OH NO. i received the tv bill today," my mother said, and i was like, shoveling potatoes into my mouth as fast as i could because i knew that when i went to PORN PRISON they weren't going to feed me this kind of quality starch. "does anybody want to tell me who purchased the pornography? as a reminder, a quick table survey: my mother, surprised and disappointed by the porn bill (innocent) my stepfather, a grumbly old cowboy who just wants to sing along to kenny chesney and watch the hunt for red october (innocent) my aunt deb, a super religious catholic whose best friend is a nun named Sister Placid (innocent) me, the 11-year-old with a mouthful of potatoes who definitely purchased the lesbian pornography silence my mother said, Tm not going to ask again silence my aunt looked at my stepdad. my stepdad looked at my aunt. NOBODY LOOKED AT ME, THE 11-YEAR-OLD WITH A MOUTHFUL OF POTATOES WHO DEFINITELY PURCHASED THE LESBIAN PORNOGRAPHY my mother shook her head and put the bill down. this was incredibly inappropriate, she said. "skip, deb, whoever. buy that shit on your own time. I'm not paying for it. what if molly had seen it? WHAT IF MOLLY HAD SEEN IT? don't expose my kid to that crap. .DON'T EXPOSE MY KID TO THAT CRAP if you want to watch porn, fine, but do it in private and don't expect me to pay for it. i can't believe one of you did that in the living room. I CAN'T BELIEVE ONE OF YOU DID THAT .IN THE LIVING ROOM but molly, why didn't you own up to it and explain that it was an accident? are you fucking kidding . .i did not want to go to porn prison the tin conclusion to this story เร that I never owned up to it, which means that there are 3 people in the world who have not solved the mystery of the lesbian porn. a quick survey my mother, who lives every day wondering whose porn she paid for .my stepfather, who probably wishes he knew less about his wite's sister's my aunt, who probably wishes she knew less about her sister's husband's but molly, why don't you own up to it now, with the safety of time and distance and the knowledge that porn prison isn't real? are you fucking kidding this is the best thing rve ever done . Source belies myour girl #pom prison #molly writes things 445,020 notes The Lesbian Porn Mystery