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9/11, America, and Children: The Turkey Story So it's 2001, and my family drives from fu California and like three blizzards to get to Ohio for into a nursing home and it's their last holiday in that house. So its a bit bittersweet but ultimately a good thing. Since it's their last holiday there, the family pulls out all the stops when it comes to dinner, all the Russian desserts come out, as does the Lethal Bacon Mashed Potatoes and the horrible candied yams with the mini marshmallows dish because not all expressions of love are even if they are si In the spirit of going alout, Uncle Bobby smokes a Turkey Uncle Bobby started cooking as a boy foil-wrapped potatoes into a campfire and has been ad- dicted since, and now has a hand-made smokehouse in the backyard where he makes various cured meats and other delights. He seasons the turkey in the traditional manner, but he and grandpa have a shared passion for SO Game Hen seasoned that way, for them. Then Bobby has a Brilliant Idea. He realizes that he can stuff the turkey (once it has been smoked) with regular stuffing, and there is still plenty of room for him to put the game hen inside THAT, and stuff the game hen be- cuase why not? He confers with Mom, and she explains how to cut open the turkey so there's dramatic reveal as the stuffing and game hen come out. It's Genius. Except, of course, that my Aunt Sue is attending, Uncle Cliff s after her So the day of the dinner, tensions are running a bit high, between the marathon cooking, the kids al being trapped indoors due to aforementioned blizzards, and Uncle Cliff deciding that the best way to amuse himself is by hiding from the adults in the basement, getting drunk and rambling about how various ethic groups were destroying America. Being that I had close Muslim friends that were leaving the country becuase of 9/11, 1 was near tears from this nonsense and ready to n roughly five times my size. Sue, for some reason, keeps coming down and defending him, or telling us we're rotten children for 'attacking him, becuase she Must Stand By Her Man, even if her man is a hefty bag of dog feces with an ugly mustache My sister eventually boits upstairs to tattle and my grandfather limps down to the basement and brandishes his Hip Bone Cane, hands rock-steady in spite of the Parkinson's slowly taking over him. Firstly Cliff, It may not be my roof much longer but while you are under it you will be civil, or Ill beat your skull in. Also, dinner's ready, everyone go wash up. We go upstairs and sit down, and do the traditional "Name one thing you're thankful for as the bread gets passed around the table, and things calm down a bit. Bobby brings out the Turkey and everyone goes OOH becuase it's really pretty, them Mom carves it open so that the stuffing spills out dramatically along with the game hen and there's an appreciative gasp all around becuase it looks cool. Only Sue KEEPS gasping, in utter horror, before getting up and clasping her hands to her face ala Edvard Munch and shrieks OH MY GOD IT WAS PREGNANTI We all stare at Sue. We all look back at the fully-dressed-cooked-and-stuffed birds that in no way had any internal organs in them or ever gave live birth Then we all looked back at Sue, trying to figure out where to begin but since shed been trying to justify Cliffs behavior she was pretty much free-associating conspiracies and scandals now, and just kept going. IT WAS PREGNANT MY GOD WE'VE COMMITTED AN ABORTION WE'RE ALL GOING TO HELL FOR THIS, I'M SO SORRY JESUS She goes into full pearl-clutching gibbering horror at this point and falls back into her chair like it's a Victorian fainting couch only it's a shitty chair from the Eisenhower administration so it collapses and she slams into the floor, sobbing and kicking her feet like a toddler Everyone watched for a moment before my Mom sighs heavily and starts carving and serving the turkey while my grandmother mouths she's not coming back Cliff, reactions delayed by about six beers, finally notices his wife is on the floor and tries to pick her up, are assisted by Dad, who is saintly patient man and less immune to this jacknapery at that point. I am stuffing dinner rolls into my face to keep from laughing at this grand spectacle ICANT EAT IT, I REFUSE TO PARTAKE IN THIS BARBARISM Sue begins but Dad puts on his best Kindly Father voice (he was heavily involved with the catholic church and even considered becoming a priest before getting drafted but that's another story)and assures Sue that she need not eat, or even be in the room if she wants. She nods, placated by being the center of attention again, and Dad goes in for the kill. I wouldn't want you to go hungry. Can I make you some That would be lovely." Said Sue, joke flying over her ng 747. I recall watching my grandmot her nearly choke to death on the green beans over that, and everyone pointedly trying to avoid talking about anything poultry-related while Sue sat there and ate the most ironic scrambled eggs in the history of mankind. Shortly thereafter, Cliff threw up in the sink and they went home, and the party got underway properly, with Grandpa raising a toast to Mom and Uncle Bobby For t Turkey has been an staple since then. I'll see if I can hit Uncle Bobby up for instructions but if you decide to make it 1. you HAVE to shriek "OH MY GOD IT WAS PREGNANT when you carve it open, or it's not authentic and won't taste as good 2. Share the pictures with me, Very planned Parenthood
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Meme, Cancer, and Star: Car Carving Star This meme is the sequel to the Dan - Dancer , Can - Cancer and it is going to be hot! Invest! via /r/MemeEconomy https://ift.tt/2DHS0AM

This meme is the sequel to the Dan - Dancer , Can - Cancer and it is going to be hot! Invest! via /r/MemeEconomy https://ift.tt/2DHS0AM

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Angry Birds, Bad, and Bored: How to Study Likea Harvard Student Taken from Sophia Chua-Rubenfeld, daughter of the Tiger Mother 1. Choose classes that interest you. That way studying doesn't feel like slave labor. If you don't want to learn, then I can't 2. Make some friends. See steps 12, 13, General Principles 3. Study less, but study better 4. Avoid Autopilot Brain at all costs. 5. Vague is bad. Vague is a waste of your time 6. Write it down. 7 Suck it up, buckle down, get it done. Plan of Attack Phase I: Class 8. Show up. Everything will make a lot more sense that way, and you will save yourself a lot of time in the long run. 9. Take notes by hand. I don't know the science behind it, but doing anything by hand is a way of carving it into your memory. Also, if you get bored you will doodle, which is still a thousand times better than ending up on stumbleupon or something. Phase II: Study Time 10. Get out of the library. The sheer fact of being in a library doesn't fill you with knowledge. Eight hours of Facebooking in the library is still eight hours of Facebooking. Also, people who bring food and blankets to the library and just stay there during finals week start to smell weird. Go home and bathe. You can quiz yourself while you wash your hair 11. Do a little every day, but don't let it be your whole day. "This afternoon, I will 0 a problem set. Then, I will watch an episode of South Park and go to the gym" ALWAYS BEATS "Starting right now, I am going to read as much as I possibly can...oh wow, now it's midnight, I'm on page five, and my room reeks of ramen 12. Give yourself incentive. There's function worse abyss study time. If you know you're going out in six hours, you're more likely to get something done. 13. Allow friends to confiscate your phone when they catch you playing Angry Birds. Oh and if you think you need a break, you probably don't. Phase 14. Stop highlighting. Underlining is supposed to keep you focused, but it's actually a one-way ticket to Autopilot Brain. You zone out, look down, and suddenly you have five pages of neon green that you don't remember reading Write notes in the margins instead. 15. Do all your own work. You get nothing out of copying a problem set. It's also shady. 16. Read as much as you can. No way around it. Stop trying to cheat with Sparknotes. 17. Be a smart reader, not a robot (lol) Ask yourself: What is the author trying to prove? What is the logical progression of the argument? You can reading the introduction and conclusion of every chapter. Then, pick any two examples/anecdotes and commit them to memory (write them down). They will help you reconstruct the author's argument later on. 18. Don't read everything, but understand everything that you read Better to have a deep understanding of a limited amount of material, than to have a vague understanding of an entire course. Once again: Vague is bad. Vague is a waste of your time 19. Bullet points. For essays, Phase IV: Reading Period (Review Week) 20. Once again: do not move into the library. Eat, sleep, and bathe 21. If you don't understand it, it will definitely be on the exam. Solution tex 22. Do all the practice problems. This one is totally tiger mom are of rote learning. Newsflash: even at great intellectual bastions like Harvard, you will be names and dates. To memorize effectively: stop reading your list over and over again. It doesn't work. Say it out loud, write it down. Remember how you made friends? Have them quiz you, then return the favor 24. Again with the friends: ask them to listen while you explain a difficult concept to them. This forces you to articulate your understanding. Remember, vague is bad. 25. Go for the big picture. Try to figure out where a specific concept fits into the course as a whole. This will help you tap into Big Themes- every class has Big Themes - which will streamline what you need to know. You can learn a million facts, but until you understand how they fit together, you're missing the point. V: Exam Day 26. Crush exam. Get A. e prep-ademic Back To School
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Angry Birds, Bad, and Bored: How to Study Likea Harvard Student Taken from Sophia Chua-Rubenfeld, daughter of the Tiger Mother 1. Choose classes that interest you. That way studying doesn't feel like slave labor. If you don't want to learn, then I can't 2. Make some friends. See steps 12, 13, General Principles 3. Study less, but study better 4. Avoid Autopilot Brain at all costs. 5. Vague is bad. Vague is a waste of your time 6. Write it down. 7 Suck it up, buckle down, get it done. Plan of Attack Phase I: Class 8. Show up. Everything will make a lot more sense that way, and you will save yourself a lot of time in the long run. 9. Take notes by hand. I don't know the science behind it, but doing anything by hand is a way of carving it into your memory. Also, if you get bored you will doodle, which is still a thousand times better than ending up on stumbleupon or something. Phase II: Study Time 10. Get out of the library. The sheer fact of being in a library doesn't fill you with knowledge. Eight hours of Facebooking in the library is still eight hours of Facebooking. Also, people who bring food and blankets to the library and just stay there during finals week start to smell weird. Go home and bathe. You can quiz yourself while you wash your hair 11. Do a little every day, but don't let it be your whole day. "This afternoon, I will 0 a problem set. Then, I will watch an episode of South Park and go to the gym" ALWAYS BEATS "Starting right now, I am going to read as much as I possibly can...oh wow, now it's midnight, I'm on page five, and my room reeks of ramen 12. Give yourself incentive. There's function worse abyss study time. If you know you're going out in six hours, you're more likely to get something done. 13. Allow friends to confiscate your phone when they catch you playing Angry Birds. Oh and if you think you need a break, you probably don't. Phase 14. Stop highlighting. Underlining is supposed to keep you focused, but it's actually a one-way ticket to Autopilot Brain. You zone out, look down, and suddenly you have five pages of neon green that you don't remember reading Write notes in the margins instead. 15. Do all your own work. You get nothing out of copying a problem set. It's also shady. 16. Read as much as you can. No way around it. Stop trying to cheat with Sparknotes. 17. Be a smart reader, not a robot (lol) Ask yourself: What is the author trying to prove? What is the logical progression of the argument? You can reading the introduction and conclusion of every chapter. Then, pick any two examples/anecdotes and commit them to memory (write them down). They will help you reconstruct the author's argument later on. 18. Don't read everything, but understand everything that you read Better to have a deep understanding of a limited amount of material, than to have a vague understanding of an entire course. Once again: Vague is bad. Vague is a waste of your time 19. Bullet points. For essays, Phase IV: Reading Period (Review Week) 20. Once again: do not move into the library. Eat, sleep, and bathe 21. If you don't understand it, it will definitely be on the exam. Solution tex 22. Do all the practice problems. This one is totally tiger mom are of rote learning. Newsflash: even at great intellectual bastions like Harvard, you will be names and dates. To memorize effectively: stop reading your list over and over again. It doesn't work. Say it out loud, write it down. Remember how you made friends? Have them quiz you, then return the favor 24. Again with the friends: ask them to listen while you explain a difficult concept to them. This forces you to articulate your understanding. Remember, vague is bad. 25. Go for the big picture. Try to figure out where a specific concept fits into the course as a whole. This will help you tap into Big Themes- every class has Big Themes - which will streamline what you need to know. You can learn a million facts, but until you understand how they fit together, you're missing the point. V: Exam Day 26. Crush exam. Get A. e prep-ademic How to study better (long)
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