Big Dick, Bitch, and Fire: TBT PFC Moses Cardenes | It was summer in Rawah Iraq, 2007 NSW and The Highlanders had teamed up to lay hate and discontent through their battle-space w- a small Marine DET next door who stayed getting fucked up at Blue Hackle compound on Camp Kassem. CallsignFatal Highlanders TrojanHorse HunterKiller TFHighlander A young, skinny PFC with BCGs on his face and fire in his heart named Moses Cardenas was a Scout on his first combat deployment. On Aug 2, 07, his platoon set up a snap VCP. (2) bongos eerily halted in the distance refusing to advance. Suddenly(5) muj fucks started laying HEAVY hate on the plt w- PKMs and RPGs immediately wounding Rodie trying to bound for cover. Unable to engage from his position, Cardenas slung his dick over his shoulder, clutched his SAW for dear-fucking-life, and sprinted into the danger zone. While pulling a marine that was easily TWICE his fucking bodyweight w-o gear and ammo, he took a round to the neck that instantly dropped him. Having not one bitchmade bone in his body, he got back up, chicken winged his SAW and laid hate on the trucks while simultaneously walking backwards and buddy dragging Rodie. He then got shot AGAIN and dropped to the ground. But Cardenas having no quit in his heart got back up and dragged Rodie to safety. As soon as he was clear of the LAVs line of fire, big dick Texan Drew Perry opened up on bongo trucks w- 25mm and turned those motherfuckers into scrambled eggs. Unfortunately the platoon lost Lcpl Christian Vasquez but be damned if he didn’t fight bravely that day. Moses Cardenas was given the Silver Star for his actions MOSES CARDENAS SHOULD HAVE RECEIVED A MEDAL OF HONOR FOR WHAT HE DID ON THIS DAY. But due to the officer elitist nature of the United States Marine Corps, Cardenas received no such recognition and had he been you can be sure some coffee-sipping, clean-cammie-having, paper-bitch of an officer would have done their best to hinder the process. Fortunately for the Marine Corps, he’s still leading Marines to this day and has somehow found sets of trousers that fit his massive fucking balls. All the respect in the world for this Marine, Highlander forever. OAF TBT OAFNation
Bad, Bad Boys, and Christmas: HELI'S KITCHEN MOVME CUB XMAS SPECIAL
ou ARE MOST ToUBLESOME
FOR A SECURITY GUARD
EEENH! SORRY, HANS,
Wouw You IKE TO ão FOR
OUBLE JEOPARTY,WHERE THE
SCORES CAN REALLY CHANGE?
CWHOA, THESE THINGS ARE
REALLY BAD FOR You
THEN WHO ARE You?
[INDIANA JONES THEME MUSIC PLAYS]
JUST A FLY IN THE
WHAT IS IT YOU WANT, MARY?
WHAT DO YOU WANT? DO YOU
WANT THE MOON?
JUST SAY THE WORD AND
I'LL THROW A LASSO AROUND
T AND PULL IT DOWN
HEY. THAT'S A PRETTY GOOD IDEA.
I'LL GIVE YOU THE MOON, MARY.
I'LL TAKE IT.
THEN WHAT, GEORGE?
WELL, THEN YOU CAN SWALLOWIT
AND IT'LL ALL DISSOLVE, SEE.
AND THE MOONBEAMS WOULD SHOOT
OUT OF YOUR FINGERS AND YOUR TOES
AND THE ENDS OF YOUR HAIR...
AM I TALKING TOO MUCH?
YES! WHY DON'T YOU KISS HER,
INSTEAD OF TALKING HER TO DEATH?
HKMC is a work of satire by Dave Acosta (@davedrawsgood), Dee Cunniffe (@deezoid) & Alex de Campi (@alexdecampi).
All characters (c) Marvel Comics.
Next episode: Death Wish. Or maybe Predator. Dunno.
No for real, The Thin Man is "clearly" the best Xmas movie. William Powell is a comedy genius. (If you like Nick & Nora, check out My Man
Godfrey, another brillant Powell screwball that has the greatest and by greatest we mean most fucked-up- meetcute of all time.)
There's a period in one's young adulthood where it's deeply uncool to like A Wonderful Life. Sentimentality! Ugh, gross. Then you get older,
and messages of hope seem a lot more necessary than before. Also, Jimmy Stewart is funny as hell. Not just his delivery, but his physical
business between lines? #Goals. Stewart has been in a lot of great films Capra's so current it hurt Mr Smith Frex but if you like nors, dig
up the under-appreciated Preminger classic, Anatomy of a Murder. Duke Ellington wrote&performed the score! Anyway: Happy Christmas from
all of us. You are more important than you know, and more loved than you believe. Things will get better, give it time.
Hells Kitchen Movie Club Xmas Special! Ho ho ho, motherfuckers! Love from me, @dave-acosta and @deecunniffe
Bucky’s shirt a low-key nod to @buckykingofmemes, who we adore
Previously in Hell: cover image // 01 // 02 // 03 // Xmas // 04 // 05 // 06 // That time the Punisher’s creator gave us a thumbs-up // twitter // insta
HOW did I get a shoutout in this A YEAR AGO and never knew about it?? This series is excellent! Look at that drowsy Bucky!
Fake, Police, and Politics: did you know?
In 1990, a Michigan police department
staged a fake wedding in an
attempt to eradicate the major
drug problems in the area. Two
undercover officers acted as
the bride and groom, many local
drug dealers were invited, and
the cops busted them all together
at the reception.
PHOTO: FLINT JOURNAL/LANDOV
As an inside joke, the officers decided to have the cake decorated in police-blue ribbons and sugared bees (for a “sting”).
The band, led by a city police officer, announced themselves as a weed-loving group named S.P.O.C, which stood for ‘Somebody Protect Our Crops.’ In actuality, it was just COPS spelled backwards.
They played the song ‘I Fought The Law (and the Law Won)’ as a signal to begin the bust.
“Let’s have some fun,” an officer shouted. “Everybody here that’s a cop, stand up! Okay! All the rest of you motherfuckers put your hands on the table, because you’re under arrest! This is a bust!”
I found a video of The Wedding Sting, but there’s no audio :(
IMAGINE YOUR OTP
Puts every single fake married AU to shame.
this is some red wedding shit right here
All these clues and the drug dealers still couldn’t figure out it was a bust?
what sort of brooklyn nine fuckin nine
Another One, Bad, and Bad Boys: Crayola
Preferred by Teachers
DID YOU MOTHERFUCKERS REALLY THINK YOU WERE DONE WITH ME? I THINK NOT. THAT’S RIGHT IT’S THE SUGAR SCRUB CHICK BACK WITH ANOTHER FUCKING TUTORIAL. YOU BITCHES HAVE BEEN ASKING ME FOR AGES TO MAKE ANOTHER ONE OF THESE FUCKING POSTS AND IT’S FUCKING LATE SO HERE YOU GO FUCKERS WE GON LEARN SOME SHIT SO SIT DOWN AND BE QUIET
SO WE ALL WANT LIPS RED AS THE BLOOD OF ANGRY MEN RIGHT AND WHO DOESN’T FUCKING LIKE ARTS AND CRAFTS AND I DON’T EVEN NEED TO TALK ABOUT HOW HARD IT IS TO FIND LIPSTICK FOR FUCKING COSPLAY SO BEHOLD THE HUMBLE CRAYON YOU LITTLE SHITS
GET A CRAYON. AND NOT JUST ANY CRAYON A FUCKING CRAYOLA CRAYON DON’T EVEN TRY WITH THAT ROSEART SHIT BECAUSE I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND RIP OUT YOUR UVULA. IF YOU WANNA GET REALLY ARTSY WHIP OUT ONE OF THESE BAD BOYS
AND BREAK UP SOME CRAYONS TO GET THE PERFECT SHADE OF BLUE GREEN FOR THAT BADASS COSPLAY YOU’VE GOT PICKED OUT BUT MARK MY WORDS NO MORE THAN ONE FUCKING CRAYON’S WORTH OF BITS BETTER GO INTO THIS FUCKING BOWL.
SPEAKING OF WHICH, YOU NEED SOME OTHER FUCKING SHIT IN THERE SO GO GET SOME OIL. THE GOOD STUFF. I’M TALKING EVOO BITCHES THE VIRGINAL BLOOD OF THE MOST TENDER OLIVES IN ALL THE LAND. SQUEEZE SOME OF THAT HEAVENLY LUBRICANT INTO YOUR BOWL, ABOUT 1/2 A TEASPOON, THAT’LL DO PIG, THAT’LL DO. NOW GO FIND SOME SHEA BUTTER OR COCONUT OIL AND GLOP ABOUT 1/2 A TEASPOON OF THAT IN YOUR BOWL. NOW GO TO YOUR MAGICAL CABINET OF WONDERS AND FIND SOME NICE SMELLING SHIT. COULD BE VANILLA EXTRACT. COULD BE LAVENDER OIL. I DON’T KNOW BRO WHATEVER YOU THINK SMELLS LIKE THE SILKY UNDERBELLY OF A NEWBORN UNICORN(important note make sure you use a FOOD SAFE oil if it doesn’t say it’s food safe/food grade don’t use it!) GRASP THE BOTTLE FIRMLY, SCREAM LIKE A VICTORIOUS PTERODACTYL, AND DROP 1-4 DROPS OF THAT SWEET SMELLING LIQUID IN THERE.
I HOPE YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS RIGHT THERE BECAUSE IT IS THE HEATING VESSEL FOR YOUR GLORIOUS LIPSTICK THAT’S RIGHT LIKE A VIKING WARLORD YOU ARE GOING TO USE A DOUBLE BOILER. SO GET A SAUCEPAN AND HEAT SOME WATER, THEN PLOP THAT SWEET SMELLING BOWL OF OIL AND WAX ON TOP OF THAT STEAMY WATER LIKE THE COLLISION OF YOUR OTP IN A BAD FANFIC OH YEAH. STIR THAT SHIT UNTIL EVERYTHING IS MELTY AND SMOOTH YOU DON’T WANT TO RUIN YOUR SPOONS SO I USE A DISPOSABLE CHOPSTICK FUCK YEAH RECYCLING NOW ONCE THAT SHIT IS SOFT LIKE THE SUPPLE SKIN OF YOUR HEAVENLY BOOTY, YOU NEED SOMETHING TO POUR IT INTO
WELL DAMN GOOD THING YOU PICKED UP SOME CONTACT CASES LAST TIME YOU WERE AT THE STORE OR MAYBE YOU HAVE SOME EMPTY CHAPSTICK TUBES OR JUST SOME SMALL TUPPERWARE I DON’T KNOW BUT GOSH YOU ARE SO RESOURCEFUL AND PRETTY YOU DESERVE NICE LIPSTICK LIKE THIS ALSO TAKE SOME TIME FOR YOU THIS WEEKEND AND NEVER FORGET HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU
I’M GLAD WE HAD THAT MOMENT TOGETHER NOW BECAUSE NOTHING IS MORE METAL THAN SAFETY, TAKE A THICK HAND TOWEL OR AN OVEN MITT OR SOMETHING AND GRIP THAT BOWL OF COLORFUL GOOP AND POUR GENTLY INTO THAT RECEPTACLE YOU PROCURED. YOU WILL PROBABLY SPILL SOME BUT THAT’S OKAY YOU’RE ONLY HUMAN. POP THAT SHIT IN THE FRIDGE BECAUSE YOU’RE AN IMPATIENT MOTHERFUCKER AND YOU WANT YOUR LIPSTICK NOW GODDAMMIT AND ONCE IT HARDENS SLATHER THAT CREAMY GOODNESS ON THICK, SLIDE ON SOME SUNGLASSES, AND HEAD INTO BATTLE TO DESTROY THE PATRIARCHY CLASS DISMISSED MOTHERFUCKERS
DO NOT DO THIS.
DO NOT DO THIS.
DO NOT DO THIS.
NO DO NOT FUCKING DO THIS, CRYON HAS A LOT OF FUCKING LEAD IN IT (four times more than lipstick) PLEASE JUST BUY ACTUAL LIPSTICK.
There’s no lead in crayola crayons. Kids eat them.
The ingredients in Crayola Crayons are: paraffin, wax, and pigment. They’re made with the understanding that some kids will eat the damn things, so the company that makes Crayons has been very very careful to use non-toxic materials, even going so far as to use a special edible glue on the paper labels. (cornstarch and water, fyi)
You can eat Crayons, if you really wanted to, but frankly the flavor’s a little bland. They taste like wax. So, yeah. adding oils with a lower solidification temperature like Olive Oil or Grapeseed or Avocado, and mixing in some Shea or Coconut Butter would make a creamy crayon. Which you could use on your skin, if you wanted.
Go wild, use that shit on more than just lips. Use it like theatrical makeup, paint your tits blue if you want. Or use it like paint on the walls, or paper, or canvas. It won’t dry the same way acrylic or watercolor paint will, and will remain ‘workable’ and pliable until the oil looses enough water to solidify, much like, oh, off the top of my head… oil paint.
Modern oil paints are very similar to the recipe above, though usually done with Linseed oil or other inert non-organic oils. Organic oils, as they dry, can discolor, making your carefully chosen color look off. Why are some really old painting slightly yellow? Partly the varnish has yellowed, partly airborne pollutants have stained the surface, and partly the oil in the original paint has shifted color.
BTW, don’t eat Linseed oil, you’ll get the runs something fierce and regret it a lot. And then you get to go to the doctor and explain why your runny poo is brightly colored. But the amount you’d ingest from lipstick made with crayons? Negligible.
Now I really want to make a set of rainbow lipstick to match my rainbow collection of nail polish (which is way more toxic than crayon lipstick, too.)
so what you’re saying is
i could buy a fuckton of grey crayns
and have grey body paint
i think i know where that’s going
i think we all know where that’s going
Fire, Friends, and Fucking: Missing her vaccinations?
We are not vaccinating
You know what is a good business?
Teeny tiny baby coffins.
You can get them in frog green
or fire engine red.
or a adinfinitumxx:
years later House is still as relevant as he ever was
I wasn’t vaccinated and never got sick so
And I swam and didn’t drown.
Anecdotes aren’t evidence. The reason YOU specifically didn’t get sick is because of something called Mass Immunity.
That means that since everyone ELSE is vaccinated (you’re welcome), there’s nowhere for the virus to establish a hold. That mass immunity is the only thing that keeps people who CANNOT vaccinate—like the immunocompromised—from catching it.
The second that people stop vaccinating, that immunity disappears and the disease resurges, as is clear from the fact that the US is currently experiencing an epidemic of a disease that was projected to become extinct in our lifetimes.
Get immunized. There’s no reason not to.
Considering that there’s a whole host of people in my age range who weren’t vaccinated enough (even I was missing the second dose of MMR until recently) getting the measles and the mumps I think it’s ridiculous that we’re arguing over a life and death situation. Literally, do you want to live or die?
Also, even if you weren’t vaccinated and never got sick–at least not visibly–that doesn’t preclude the possibility that you picked up a virus and passed it on without knowing it.
Maybe you had…oh, let’s say measles. But you had no symptoms. Or maybe you had a fever, or sore eyes, or a harsh dry cough, but that was it. But nothing that said anything was seriously wrong. And in the meantime, you went about your business. Maybe you waited for a bus with an old man, or shared an aisle at the store with a pregnant woman and her wailing one-year-old, or attended a party with your friends.
And the disease you didn’t know you had? That passed on to the people you met, or to people that they met. The disease you didn’t know you had was passed to a friend at that party, and she passed it to her mother and father, they passed it to their workmates, and now two offices are sick with your measles. The old man you saw at the bus stop? He got pneumonia as a result of the measles you passed to him. The pregnant woman from the store? She miscarried. Her baby, who was too young to be vaccinated? She developed encephalitis and died.
You’re not the only one who’s being protected by your vaccination. You’re protecting everyone else as well. That’s the fucking POINT of vaccination.
Anti-vaxxers are permenantly on my shit-list as irresponsible, selfish motherfuckers and they can leave my planet any time they like.
Due to the anti-rejection medications for my heart transplant, I have a suppressed immune system. I can get sick very easily and it can be very harmful or fatal to me if I get sick.
Point is: VACCINATE YOUR DAMN KIDS.