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Apparently, Ass, and Crying: Anonymous 08/16/16(Tue)12:24:09 No.699763279 be fat >go to /fit/ and find a solution >main problem is i eat like a dumpster apparently things with loads of fiber is going to 211 KB JPG save my filthy soul "Fiber is digested slowly, leaving you feeling full longer, and helps with digestion" go out and buy two boxes of fiber-heavy breakfast bars the first day i have fiber bars for breakfast, lunch and a lot of snacks i dont shit that day next day i fiber myself up even more i dont shit that day either >fiber jesus is surely working his magic in my colon can feel the pounds dropping off because im not very hungry anymore i dont shit the third day >i dont shit the fourth day thefinaldaydawns.mp3 si have my morning coffee and feel my insides rumble in that familiar way the second i hit the toilet the weirdest fart in the world exits me it's whistling just a thin, continuous airstream of fart that smells like grandpapas coffin >no sound other than the whistling hiss suddenly stops the hole is plugged SOS >this shit is so solid it feels like i'm giving anal birth to Dwayne "The rock" Johnson >hang on to the shower curtain and pray the rock is shot out of my asshole at mach speed >my entire ass is covered in toilet water >now the fun begins a fart that could do more damage to thee ozone layer than aerosol ever did is shooting shit bullets out of me solid and prefectly round nuggets the smell is killing me blacking out the thuds of nuggets shooting around the bowl propelled by my insane fiber flatulence is giving me war flashbacks iwasntevenin'nam.jpeg my guts are yelling in german sounds like a moose in heat lives in my belly most of the shit isn't even digested at this point just forced out by all the gas that had been building up to my throat after an hour it finally seems to be over sim shivering and crying both legs collapse as i try to stand up >my stomach hitting the bathroom tiles forces one last trumpet gondorcallsforaid.rar shakily wipe my ass completely clean feniczoroark: larjmarge: itsperegrine: the-mighty-birdy: carolina-viking: th3laugh1ngt0mat0: carolina-viking: Holy fucking shit I CANT BREATHE I HAVE TEARS STREAMING DOWN MY FACE Pretty sure this has the most notes of any of my posts gondorcallsforaid.rar I’m in a ball on my bed with tears streaming down my face If I have to read this, so do you. This is funnier than it should be Omfg
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Animals, Fire, and Girls: Fat rat stuck in manhole rescued by firefighters in Germany KATE LYONS FEBRUARY 27, 2019 A multi-agency rescue operation has taken place in the town of Bensheim in Germany after a tubby rat became stuck in a manhole cover. The rat, still plump with winterspeck - which translates literally as winter bacon and refers to extra pounds piled on in the colder months became stuck after it tried to squeeze through a small gap in the sewer cover. The Auerbach volunteer fire brigade was called in, as was the Rhein Neckar animal rescue team, and together a team of about eight rescuers was able to raise the cover and pull the rat free. It took about eight firefighters and an animal expert to help the rat to freedom. Photograph: Berufstierrettung Rhein Neckar/ Freiwillige Feuerwehr Auerbach The rat had quite a lot of winter fat and got stuck on its hips _nothing was going forward and nothing back," animal rescuer Michael Sehr told news agency DPA Photos of the rat showed its head and rotund torso poking out of the hole, with its bottom half obscured by the sewer cover. In one image it seemed to almost be calling for hilfe. The fire brigade said the rat escaped unhurt. "The animal was subsequently released again into the wild. The fire department's operation was completed after a good 25 minutes," said the Auerbach fire department. After the successful rescue, two young girls presented the animal rescue teanm with a gift to say thank you- a drawing of a rat surrounded by love hearts with the word "danke!" written on it. Sehr told DPA he did not have any qualms about rescuing the rat. "Even animals that are hated by many people deserve respect," he said. True story

True story

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Animals, Bones, and Church: teaboot The amount of times I could have been that white girl in the horror movie could honestly be a movie in itself and it's honestly a waste that my entire life isn't constantly recorded on film because it would be HILARIOUS teaboot 1. That one time I decided to see what was past the old gate in the woods, but when got there it had been smashed in half and there was a decapitated sheep head with no skin just off the trail, so instead I just turned around and went home. 2. That time some friends and I went camping and we found a pile of bones wrapped in a garbage bag buried under a log, but the adult supervisor told us it was nothing, so we just put it back and didn't talk about it again. 3. The time I was getting chased through the woods at night and I realized "wait it's dark as fuck so I just held still until the guy gave up and left. . The time this dude said he was in love with me and so he was going to cut my head off and dump my body in a lake, so l told him to grow the hell up, but then he got caught stealing girl's underwear a day later andI never saw him again 5. That one time in college where I was taking a shortcut on my home at night and a car followed me into a dark alley, so I stared directly into the driver's side of the window and walked towards it to psych them out 6. The night I was out on a walk and this old guy told me he'd locked his keys in his truck and that he needed someone my size to crawl in through the back window for him, so I told him you know that sounds super suspicious right and told him where to find a pay phone for a tow truck instead 7. The one time this random guy on the street said he was in love with me and so he was going to follow me home on my bus, so l clapped him on the shoulder and told him that if he got that close to my bus then I was going to throw him under the wheels, but then this really nice homeless man from Nigeria told the guy to fuck off and then checked to make sure he didn't follow me onboard 8. That big cat with yellow eyes who I found in a well and brought home who used to put rotting meat in my closet and wake me up by chewing on my face, until I put him back outside and never saw him again. 9. My one cousin who used to come over for the summer who kept calling me 'piñata and hitting me with sticks, until he went back home and was sent to juvie c got caught torturing animals cause he finally 10. The time I got lost on the way to a meeting and wound up at a circus tent instead, and got followed by a full-out clown for three vacant street blocks 11. The pet hamster I had when I was seven who would scream all night and eventually es- caped by ripping a bar out of its cage and wig- gling through the hole. My mom caught it and put it back but it lved another year and a half until one night the screaming just stopped 12. The time I was whistling in the woods and something started whistling back, so I went home 13. That one night at summer camp where a group of girls got together to play 'bloody mary in the lavatory and invited me to come with them so I said "no thanks" and stayed with the camp councillors and drank soup instead. 14. The old abandoned house I just moved into with the door that leads into a big empty room full of dirt and empty cooking pots that I just sort of... locked up forever and never gon ear 15. Once when I was at an ihop I saw a coffee mug do a full 360° spin with nobody touching it, so I said 'that was neat' and never ate there again 16. The time I took a photo of a big old raven sitting on the crucifix on top of the old town church cause it was the most goth thing l'd ever seen, right? But then it swooped down towards me, so I apologized immediately for being rude, and I felt a little silly for a while but the car that hit me on the way home didn't even leave a bruise so idk be nice to birds teaboot Sorry I know I bring this shit up a lot but sometimes im awake at night and I just. keep thinking teaboot I think the secret to survival is to be good to animals, stay away from men, and say "no elsean Source: teaboot 205.063 notes Teaboots Adventures As That White Girl in Horror Movies
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God, Love, and Donuts: This legitimately upsets me Y'see, now, y'see, I'm looking at this, thinking, squares fit together better than circles, so, say, if you wanted a box of donuts, a full box, you could probably fit more square donuts in than circle donuts if the circumference of the circle touched the each of the corners of the square donut. So you might end up with more donuts But then I also think.. Does the square or round donut have a greater donut volume? Is the number of donuts better than the entire donut mass as a whole? Hrm HRM A round donut with radius R1 occupies the same space as a square donut with side 2R1. If the center circle of a round donut has a radius R2 and the hole of a square donut has a side 2R2, then the area of a round donut is nR12 nr22. The area of a square donut would be then 4R12 4R22. This doesn't say much, but in general and throwing numbers, a full box of square donuts has more donut per donut than a full box of round donuts. The interesting thing is knowing exactly how much more donut per donut we have. Assuming first a small center hole (R2 R1/4) and replacing in the proper expressions, we have a 27,6% more donut in the square one (Round: 15nR12/16 2,94R12, square: 15R12/4 3, 75R12). Now, assuming a large center hole (R2 3R1/4) we have a 27,7% more donut in the square one (Round: 7nR12/16 1,37R12, square: 7R12/4 1,75R12). This tells us that, approximately, wei have a 27% bigger donut if it's square than if it's round. tl,dr: Square donuts have a 27% more donut per donut in the same space as a round one. god i love this site Square Donuts

Square Donuts

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Jesus, Target, and Tumblr: officialstarscream: sneauxflake: sneauxflake: getting ready to joust at hole depot :) home depot* jesus christ THE HOLE DEPOT

officialstarscream: sneauxflake: sneauxflake: getting ready to joust at hole depot :) home depot* jesus christ THE HOLE DEPOT

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Beer, Old Man, and Tumblr: Fig 1: Form an "A" shape with your index and middle fingers using both hands. Extend your middle and index fingers on both hands, keeping them dlose together, while your thumbs hold down your ring and pinky fingers. Place your two middle fingers together, formingan "A" shape. Ifeel likelget a louder and more forceful whistle using this finger combo. Fig 2: Draw back your lips to cover your teeth Lip placement is key. Give your lips a quick lick to wet your whistle. Tuck your lips back over your teeth. It's what you do when you pretend you're an old man without any teeth. Your lips need to cover your teeth in order to whistle successfully Feel free to adjust how much or little you tuck your lips back. It's going to vary from person to person. Your fingers will help keep your bottom lip tucked over your teeth. Fig 3: Push tongue back into mouth. Place the tip of your fingers undemeath your tongue right at the tip. Push the tip of your tongue back with your fingers. You're basically folding the first 1/4 of your tongue back on itself. Push your tongue back into your mouth until your first knuckle reaches your bottom lips. ーレーじ Fig 4: Blow through the hole between your two index fingers. Give a soft blow out your mouth. You should feel the air only go out over your bottom lip. If you feel air coming out the sides of your mouth, close your mouth tighter around your fingers. Remember, perfect seal. Make sure you don't see your tongue make an appearance in the hole between your fingers! It's blocking the air from coming out. You probably won't get a sound right off the bat. That's okay. Adjust your finger placement under your tongue and experiment with different finger angles and varying degrees of lip tuckage until you find the sweet spot. Experimentation is key-keep making little adjustments. You'll know when you're getting dose to your whistle sweet spot because you'll start producing a noise that sounds sort of like you're blowing over a beer bottle.Start blowing more forcefully, until you get that high-pitched and loud whistle. srsfunny:If You’ve Ever Wanted To Learn This

srsfunny:If You’ve Ever Wanted To Learn This

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Alive, Bitch, and Children: MARGORIE MCCALL LIVED ONCE, BURIED TWICE lord-kitschener: harokissmile: ksteeno: spoookyscary: After succumbing to a fever of some sort in 1705, Irish woman Margorie McCall was hastily buried to prevent the spread of whatever had done her in. Margorie was buried with a valuable ring, which her husband had been unable to remove due to swelling. This made her an even better target for body snatchers, who could cash in on both the corpse and the ring. The evening after Margorie was buried, before the soil had even settled, the grave-robbers showed up and started digging. Unable to pry the ring off the finger, they decided to cut the finger off. As soon as blood was drawn, Margorie awoke from her coma, sat straight up and screamed. The fate of the grave-robbers remains unknown. One story says the men dropped dead on the spot, while another claims they fled and never returned to their chosen profession. Margorie climbed out of the hole and made her way back to her home. Her husband John, a doctor, was at home with the children when he heard a knock at the door. He told the children, “If your mother were still alive, I’d swear that was her knock.” When he opened the door to find his wife standing there, dressed in her burial clothes, blood dripping from her finger but very much alive, he dropped dead to the floor. He was buried in the plot Margorie had vacated. Margorie went on to re-marry and have several children. When she did finally die, she was returned to Shankill Cemetery in Lurgan, Ireland, where her gravestone still stands. It bears the inscription “Lived Once, Buried Twice.” what did i just read Irish women are strong as fuck “I lived, bitch” irl
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Alive, Bitch, and Children: MARGORIE MCCALL LIVED ONCE, BURIED TWICE lord-kitschener: harokissmile: ksteeno: spoookyscary: After succumbing to a fever of some sort in 1705, Irish woman Margorie McCall was hastily buried to prevent the spread of whatever had done her in. Margorie was buried with a valuable ring, which her husband had been unable to remove due to swelling. This made her an even better target for body snatchers, who could cash in on both the corpse and the ring. The evening after Margorie was buried, before the soil had even settled, the grave-robbers showed up and started digging. Unable to pry the ring off the finger, they decided to cut the finger off. As soon as blood was drawn, Margorie awoke from her coma, sat straight up and screamed. The fate of the grave-robbers remains unknown. One story says the men dropped dead on the spot, while another claims they fled and never returned to their chosen profession. Margorie climbed out of the hole and made her way back to her home. Her husband John, a doctor, was at home with the children when he heard a knock at the door. He told the children, “If your mother were still alive, I’d swear that was her knock.” When he opened the door to find his wife standing there, dressed in her burial clothes, blood dripping from her finger but very much alive, he dropped dead to the floor. He was buried in the plot Margorie had vacated. Margorie went on to re-marry and have several children. When she did finally die, she was returned to Shankill Cemetery in Lurgan, Ireland, where her gravestone still stands. It bears the inscription “Lived Once, Buried Twice.” what did i just read Irish women are strong as fuck “I lived, bitch” irl
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Animals, Bones, and Church: teaboot The amount of times I could have been that white girl in the horror movie could honestly be a movie in itself and it's honestly a waste that my entire life isn't constantly recorded on film because it would be HILARIOUSS teaboot 1. That one time I decided to see what was past the old gate in the woods, but when got there it had beern smashed in half and there was a decapitated sheep head with no skin just off the trail, so instead I just turned around and went home 2. That time some friends and I went camping and we found a pile of bones wrapped in a garbage bag buried under a log, but the adult supervisor told us it was nothing, so we just put it back and didn't talk about it again. 3. The time I was getting chased through the woods at night and I realized "wait it's dark as fuck" so I just held still until the guy gave up and left. 4. The time this dude said he was in love with me and so he was going to cut my head off and dump my body in a lake, so I told him to grow the hell up, but then he got caught stealing girl's underwear a day later and I never saw him again 5. That one time in college where I was taking a short- cut on my home at night and a car followed me into a dark alley, so I stared directly into the drivers side of the window and walked towards it to psych them out 6. The night I was out on a walk and this old guy told me he'd locked his keys in his truck and that he needed someone my size to crawl in through the back window for him, so l told him "you know that sounds super suspicious right" and told him where to find a pay phone for a tow truck instead 7. The one time this random guy on the street said he was in love with me and so he was going to follow me home on my bus, so I clapped him on the shoulder and told him that if he got that close to my bus then l was going to throw him under the wheels, but then this really nice homeless man from Nigeria told the guy to fuck off and then checked to make sure he didn't follow me onboard 8. That big cat with yellow eyes who I found in a wel and brought home who used to put rotting meat in my closet and wake me up by chewing on my face, until put him back outside and never saw him again. 9. My one cousin who used to come over for the summer who kept calling me piñata' and hitting me with sticks, until he went back home and was sent to juvie cause he finally got caught torturing animals 10. The time I got lost on the way to a meeting and wound up at a circus tent instead, and got followed by a full-out clown for three vacant street blocks 11. The pet hamster I had when I was seven who would scream all night and eventually escaped by ripping a bar out of its cage and wiggling through the hole. My mom caught it and put it back but it lived another year and a half until one night the screaming just stopped 12. The time I was whistling in the woods and something started whistling back, so I went home 13. That one night at summer camp where a group of girls got together to play bloody mary' in the lavatory and invited me to come with them so I said "no thanks" and stayed with the camp councillors and drank soup instead 14. The old abandoned house I just moved into witlh the door that leads into a big empty room full of dirt and empty cooking pots that I just sort of.. locked up forever and never go near 15. Once when I was at an ihop I saw a coffee mug do a full 360° spin with nobody touching it, so I said that was neat' and never ate there again 16. The time I took a photo of a big old raven sitting on the crucifix on top of the old town church cause it was the most goth thing I'd ever seen, right? But then it swooped down towards me, so I apologized immediately for being rude, and I felt a little silly for a while but the car that hit me on the way home didn't even leave a bruise so idk be nice to birds teaboot Sorry I know I bring this shit up a lot but sometimes inm awake at night and I just. keep thinking teaboot I think the secret to survival is to be good to animals, stay away from men, and say "no thanks" to everything else Source: teaboot 17,084 notes That One Time
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Alive, Bitch, and Children: MARGORIE MCCALL LIVED ONCE, BURIED TWICE lord-kitschener: harokissmile: ksteeno: spoookyscary: After succumbing to a fever of some sort in 1705, Irish woman Margorie McCall was hastily buried to prevent the spread of whatever had done her in. Margorie was buried with a valuable ring, which her husband had been unable to remove due to swelling. This made her an even better target for body snatchers, who could cash in on both the corpse and the ring. The evening after Margorie was buried, before the soil had even settled, the grave-robbers showed up and started digging. Unable to pry the ring off the finger, they decided to cut the finger off. As soon as blood was drawn, Margorie awoke from her coma, sat straight up and screamed. The fate of the grave-robbers remains unknown. One story says the men dropped dead on the spot, while another claims they fled and never returned to their chosen profession. Margorie climbed out of the hole and made her way back to her home. Her husband John, a doctor, was at home with the children when he heard a knock at the door. He told the children, “If your mother were still alive, I’d swear that was her knock.” When he opened the door to find his wife standing there, dressed in her burial clothes, blood dripping from her finger but very much alive, he dropped dead to the floor. He was buried in the plot Margorie had vacated. Margorie went on to re-marry and have several children. When she did finally die, she was returned to Shankill Cemetery in Lurgan, Ireland, where her gravestone still stands. It bears the inscription “Lived Once, Buried Twice.” what did i just read Irish women are strong as fuck “I lived, bitch” irl
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Apparently, Baked, and Beautiful: the-real-ted-cruz: scp2008: prospitanmutie: donesparce: youmightbeamisogynist: thisandthathistoryblog: hjuliana: dancingspirals: ironychan: hungrylikethewolfie: dduane: wine-loving-vagabond: A loaf of bread made in the first century AD, which was discovered at Pompeii, preserved for centuries in the volcanic ashes of Mount Vesuvius. The markings visible on the top are made from a Roman bread stamp, which bakeries were required to use in order to mark the source of the loaves, and to prevent fraud. (via Ridiculously Interesting) (sigh) I’ve seen these before, but this one’s particularly beautiful. I feel like I’m supposed to be marveling over the fact that this is a loaf of bread that’s been preserved for thousands of years, and don’t get me wrong, that’s hella cool.  But honestly, I’m mostly struck by the unexpected news that “bread fraud” was apparently once a serious concern. Bread Fraud was a huge thing,  Bread was provided to the Roman people by the government - bakers were given grain to make the free bread, but some of them stole the government grain to use in other baked goods and would add various substitutes, like sawdust or even worse things, to the bread instead.  So if people complained that their free bread was not proper bread, the stamp told them exactly whose bakery they ought to burn down. Bread stamps continued to be used at least until the Medieval period in Europe. Any commercially sold bread had to be stamped with an official seal to identify the baker to show that it complied with all rules and regulations about size, price, and quality. This way, rotten or undersized loaves could be traced back to the baker. Bakers could be pilloried, sent down the streets in a hurdle cart with the offending loaf tied around their neck, fined, or forbidden to engage in baking commercially ever again in that city. There are records of a baker in London being sent on a hurdle cart because he used an iron rod to increase the weight of his loaves, and another who wrapped rotten dough with fresh who was pilloried. Any baker hurdled three times had to move to a new city if they wanted to continue baking. If you have made bread, you are probably familiar with a molding board. It’s a flat board used to shape the bread. Clever fraudsters came up with a molding board that had a little hole drilled into it that wasn’t easily noticed. A customer would buy his dough by weight, and then the baker would force some of that dough through the hole, so they could sell and underweight loaf and use the stolen dough to bake new loafs to sell. Molding boards ended up being banned in London after nine different bakers were caught doing this. There were also instances of grain sellers withholding grain to create an artificial scarcity drive up the price of that, and things like bread. Bread, being one of the main things that literally everyone ate in many parts of the world, ended up with a plethora of rules and regulations. Bakers were probably no more likely to commit fraud than anyone else, but there were so many of them, that we ended up with lots and lots of rules and records of people being shifty. Check out Fabulous Feasts: Medieval Cookery and Ceremony by Madeleine Pelner Cosman for a whole chapter on food laws as they existed in about 1400. Plus the color plates are fantastic. ALL OF THIS IS SO COOL I found something too awesome not share with you!  I’m completely fascinated by the history of food, could I choose a similar topic for my Third Year Dissertation? Who knows, but it is very interesting all the same! Bread fraud us actually where the concept of a bakers dozen came from. Undersized rolls/loaves/whatever were added to the dozen purchased to ensure that the total weight evened out so the baker couldn’t be punished for shorting someone. [wants to talk about bread fraud laws and punishments] [holds it in] bread police Reblogging this tasty Bread History for 2016! @the-real-ted-cruz loafs were too valuable  i love lore

the-real-ted-cruz: scp2008: prospitanmutie: donesparce: youmightbeamisogynist: thisandthathistoryblog: hjuliana: dancingspirals: iro...

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