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Apparently, Head, and Parents: epochayur people that can swim underwater in chlorine pools with their eyes open are not to be trusted oonabashed This is true. I once did this to cheat at a pool game, and a kid in goggles saw me do it He wanted to know how, so l told him I was part mermaid. He wanted to call bullshit, but I was like, look kid, I can prove t, but you're not allowed to tell anyone under 18. He said what about his mom, I said, sure, but she won't believe you, so it didn't matter if he ratted on me to an adult. He was skeptical but agreed. For the next ten minutes I executed any number of water related feats-I've been swimming since I was 3 and was on the swimming and diving team in high school I crossed the entire span of the pool underwater without taking a breath. I sat on the bottom of the pool for a minute. I lifted him over my head while only treading water. I floated face down without moving for a convincing stretch of time. I did a pretty choice inward pike off the diving board. This was what really convinced him. He'd seen a dolphin show once, apparently, and thought it was pretty comparable So yeah. This kid was straight up convinced I was a mermaid and was losing his shit and trying to figure out how to get around his promise He went over to the hottub to tell all the parents and they all like, smiled and laughed and nodded. He could tell they didn't believe him. He came back and was like You were right about adults." Yeah kid, I know" "Well but, you're the most important discovery I've ever made! I gotta tell someonel" Well. You need to establish some credibility first, I told him. "You have to prove to people that you're a serious scientific thinker, and then when you say stuff like this, they might believe you. He thought about this for a second. "But what if you just showed them?" and I said it was against half memaid rules to show adults anything that could make them suspicious. He took this seriously He spent the rest of his time in the pool following me around. I taught him how to hold his breath underwater without plugging his nose and how to do a backstroke I'm still proud of this, and regret nothing o marky-mark-quack-quack-quack 698,054 notes 14 Times People On Tumblr Told Really Great Stories
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Dating, Fire, and Head: The COMPLETE WORST-CASE SCENARIO Survival Handbook DATING & SEX By David Borgenicht, Joshua Piven, and Ben H. Winters HOW TO SURVIVE IF YOU HAVE EXCESSIVE GAS 1 Limit your lactose intake during the date Many people suffer from an inability to digest milk sugar, or lactose. Colon bacteria ferment the milk sugar, forming a gas that creates a bloated feeling Keep your intake to less than half a cup at a sitting, and avoid dairy products before your date 2Eat a small meal. Eating a huge dinner on a date is a sure-fire way to precipitate gas 3Avoid gas-forming foods. Bacteria ferment the indigestible carbohydrates in beans, broccoli, cabbage, and other vegetables and fruits into gases 4 Drink peppermint tea. Replace an after-dinner drink with a cup or two of peppermint tea. This herb may give you some relief from the gas discomfort that follows a meal. 5 Emit the gas in private. As a last resort, head to the bathroom. If you feel bloated but are unable to pass gas easily, you can facili- tate the emission of gas as follows Kneel on the floor, bend forward, and stretch your arms out in front of you. Keep your buttocks bigh in the air, forming a tri- angle with your upper body and the floor Place paper towels on the floor. Kneel on the towels, bend forward to the floor, and stretch your arms out in front of you. Keep your buttocks high in the air, form- ing a triangle with your upper body and the floor. This position will force out the unwanted gas and relieve the pressure. novelty-gift-ideas: The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Dating Sex
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Dating, Fire, and Head: The COMPLETE WORST-CASE SCENARIO Survival Handbook DATING & SEX By David Borgenicht, Joshua Piven, and Ben H. Winters HOW TO SURVIVE IF YOU HAVE EXCESSIVE GAS 1 Limit your lactose intake during the date Many people suffer from an inability to digest milk sugar, or lactose. Colon bacteria ferment the milk sugar, forming a gas that creates a bloated feeling Keep your intake to less than half a cup at a sitting, and avoid dairy products before your date 2Eat a small meal. Eating a huge dinner on a date is a sure-fire way to precipitate gas 3Avoid gas-forming foods. Bacteria ferment the indigestible carbohydrates in beans, broccoli, cabbage, and other vegetables and fruits into gases 4 Drink peppermint tea. Replace an after-dinner drink with a cup or two of peppermint tea. This herb may give you some relief from the gas discomfort that follows a meal. 5 Emit the gas in private. As a last resort, head to the bathroom. If you feel bloated but are unable to pass gas easily, you can facili- tate the emission of gas as follows Kneel on the floor, bend forward, and stretch your arms out in front of you. Keep your buttocks bigh in the air, forming a tri- angle with your upper body and the floor Place paper towels on the floor. Kneel on the towels, bend forward to the floor, and stretch your arms out in front of you. Keep your buttocks high in the air, form- ing a triangle with your upper body and the floor. This position will force out the unwanted gas and relieve the pressure. novelty-gift-ideas: The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Dating Sex
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Bad, Fucking, and God: Sexy Bible Quotes, Inspired by Some Birds my Friend saw Fucking Outside her House, ao3tagoftheday: oxymoronicromantic: ao3tagoftheday: [Image Description: Tags reading “sexy bible quotes, inspired by some birds my friend saw fucking outside her house”] The AO3 Tag of the Day is: This is one hell of a non-sequitor “On the day when the Lord spoke to Moses in the land of Egypt, 29 the Lord said to Moses, “I am the Lord; tell Pharaoh king of Egypt all that I say to you.” 30 But Moses said to the Lord, “Behold, I am of uncircumcised lips. How will Pharaoh listen to me?” 7 And the Lord said to Moses, “See, I have made you like God to Pharaoh, and your brother Aaron shall be your prophet. 2 You shall speak all that I command you, and your brother Aaron shall tell Pharaoh to let the people of Israel go out of his land.” …I don’t think it’s telling anyone that they’re doing activism wrong???? Anyways. Song of Songs is sexier. Ok! First off, thanks for putting the verses in; that makes my life easier! Second, Song of Songs is undoubtedly sexy, but the phrase “uncircumcised lips” is much sexier. Here’s why:“Uncircumcised lips” is a literal translation of the Hebrew, and scholars have spent millennia trying to figure out what the fuck it means. Because, like, it’s a weird fucking phrase, let’s be real. Actually, let’s all take a moment to imagine what that might physically look like. We deserve it.Anyway, back on topic. Most scholars have ended up interpreting it as saying that Moses has some kind of speech impediment. But that’s really a stretch. I mean, if that’s what was meant, why not say, “a man of broken speech” or something like that? No, I think the meaning of that phrase is a lot simpler.Circumcision is the sign of the Jewish covenant with G-d. In this period of the Bible, after G-d and Abraham made the covenant but before the Law was given at Mt. Sinai, circumcision was the single, defining thing that set the Jewish people apart from everyone else. So what does it mean to have uncircumcised lips? I submit that to speak with uncircumcised lips is to speak with a non-Jewish voice.But Moses is Jewish! Why would his voice not be? Because, Moses is unique among the Jewish people. He wasn’t raised as a slave. That’s what the Jewish people are in this period and have been for hundreds of years. They’re slaves. For generations, that slavery has defined and warped their culture. Moses has never been a slave and has never lived among his people who are. He may be Jewish, but his understanding of his people, and therefore his ability to speak for them, is non-existent.So G-d tells Moses to speak to Pharoah on behalf of the Jewish people and Moses says no. How will he speak for his people, advocate for them, demand their freedom, when he can’t speak with their voice? He can’t do it and he tells G-d no. No, I won’t speak for the slaves when I am free. It’s not my place.So what does G-d say? He says Moses is right. He tells Moses to give G-d’s message to Aaron, a man who has been a slave all his life, and let Aaron go to Pharoah and speak for the Jewish people. Because Aaron is of them, understands them, their pain, their oppression, in a way that Moses, a free man, can’t and never will. Aaron speaks with a truly Jewish voice, with circumcised lips, so he must be the one who speaks for the Jewish people.So basically, G-d tells Moses to speak over an oppressed group he isn’t a part of, Moses says “no that’s bad activism”, and G-d says “you’re right oppressed people should speak and direct their own fight against oppression.”In conclusion, sure, the Song of Songs is sexy, but have you ever tried telling G-d that he needs to work harder to prioritize marginalized voices?
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Click, Fucking, and Funny: N THE text in MSPa Do r rotate omegapausestuck: koobaxion: alphaplayfree: alienpapacy: you ever see an image and think “i may see something as funny as this again, but never anything funnier” ALL RIGHT YOU LITTLE SHITS GET READY TO LEARN SOMETHING yOU WANNA ROTATE TEXT?! well mod 5ider has got the fucking t r i c k s homie Step one: Type something. P E R F E C T. sTEP TWO: FIND THE RESIZE OPTION. You see that little resize button on your menu? Yeah, that’s the one. you can just click that shit! On older versions of MS Paint there isn’t this option, but you can always find it with a quick right-click. THERE IT FUCKING IS!!!!!  STEP THREE: STRETCH AND SKEW When you click resize, this menu comes up. I’m sure you all have seen this menu before, but for those who don’t, I’ll clue you in. The top options control the length and respective width of your artwork. you can choose to alter them separately, or all together Using that little “Maintain Aspect Ration” checkbox there, but that’s not important right now. wHat we’re focusing on is that skew option on the botttom. with that you can t i l t whatever image yuo have on your screen to the left to the right up and down. “BUT 5IDER!!!!!” you say, “THAT DOESN’T LOOK ROTATED AT ALL” wELL HOLD ON TO YOUR LUG NUTS BECAUSE I T ’ S T I M E F O R STEP 4: ULTRA COMBOOOOOOOO!!!!! now, comes the fun part. unlike its aspect ratio locked cousin, the stretch and skew options work independently from one another. So, you can do things like  and But that’s neither here nor there… what gets REALLY interesting is when your ratios are in opposite directions.. HOME RUN! Now, before I let you go, I found out through trial and error that an angle doesn’t exactly match up with its negative dimension… (Step 5: Angular ratios) See? there’s a little offset between vertical and horizontal if your expect your text to appear natural instead of tilted. The only places that this offset reaches zero is at 90° (of course) and the rare and extremely dangerous 45° rotations. Fortunately, I’ve already mapped out a few angles that I find are very useful in my works so, for your viewing pleasure… i present my handy dandy graph All you have to do is match up your desired angle up to its respective complement and you have quickly and efficiently rotated your first word in MS Paint. Have fun! You know, you guys really seemed to enjoy this post. Should I do more MS Paint tutorials in the future?
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