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Bruh y’all being way too hard on my girl Blac Chyna. See y’all gotta understand, some women...they like secretaries. If u give them a task and they don’t wanna do that task...they do a bad job! That’s just how some of u women be! My first secretary? I asked her to please make me a binder. The result? Tabs was messed up, everything mishmashed - even the hole punches wasn’t aligned πŸ˜‚. Just skrate to the recycling bin. Lesson learnt: Sally don’t do binders πŸ˜‚. That’s Blac Chyna. She didn’t like that task. She like β€œlemme do this hella mediocrely. Then he gotta start doing something *I* like.” U feel me? Now other women bruh they gon do the most. They could dislike something but for YOU? They love it. I was once laying Pipington to a yung ting and she was visibly into it but after a lil while she kinda broke out of character like β€œo babyyyy ... aye baby you close? It’s hurting a lil bit 😬 KEEP GOING DON’T STOP!” ... BRO! I FUXED WITH HER HONESTY LOL! πŸ˜‚ Bc up until then she was (ostensibly) loving every moment! That right there is a pleaser bruv. But don’t get it twisted! U can convert her. If she a pleaser but u inattentive, selfish, and ignore her cues? Guess what now she a secretary. She bad at everything now πŸ˜‚. β€œSorry I already brushed my teeth and got ready for bed can we not? πŸ˜¬β€ Like one of them old secretaries. Emeritus status lol. Just waiting on her retirement party talmbout β€œAfter 48 years of service Shirley has informed us she’s retiring, we will miss her πŸ˜Œβ€ like bish don’t u mean 38 years of service and 10 years of Shirley talking isht in the coffee room?! πŸ˜‚ Now then, if u kindly, conscientious and wonderful, she gon convert from a secretary to a pleaser. She gon do things she ain’t een really into bc she like YOU! U be like β€œwow Stephanie I didn’t even know u liked this position lol! Where u learn this? U cheating? Lemme see ya phone 😀 I’LL KILL U *AND* HIM LOLOL JK NAH FR THO WHERE U LEARN THIS 😍.” πŸ˜‚ U feel me? She gon upgrade HERSELF if she fux with u. Blac Chyna bruh? She don’t fux with that dude. For all we know she just paid for dinner AND his car note. Let a woman pay for u she be a secretary REAL QUICK BLESS UP πŸ˜‚: Took my dog to the groomer and they sent me this. She climbed into a kennel for small dogs AND somehow managed to turn all the way around. She's so pleased with herself. @DrSmashlove Pic: reddit u/fireismyporn Bruh y’all being way too hard on my girl Blac Chyna. See y’all gotta understand, some women...they like secretaries. If u give them a task and they don’t wanna do that task...they do a bad job! That’s just how some of u women be! My first secretary? I asked her to please make me a binder. The result? Tabs was messed up, everything mishmashed - even the hole punches wasn’t aligned πŸ˜‚. Just skrate to the recycling bin. Lesson learnt: Sally don’t do binders πŸ˜‚. That’s Blac Chyna. She didn’t like that task. She like β€œlemme do this hella mediocrely. Then he gotta start doing something *I* like.” U feel me? Now other women bruh they gon do the most. They could dislike something but for YOU? They love it. I was once laying Pipington to a yung ting and she was visibly into it but after a lil while she kinda broke out of character like β€œo babyyyy ... aye baby you close? It’s hurting a lil bit 😬 KEEP GOING DON’T STOP!” ... BRO! I FUXED WITH HER HONESTY LOL! πŸ˜‚ Bc up until then she was (ostensibly) loving every moment! That right there is a pleaser bruv. But don’t get it twisted! U can convert her. If she a pleaser but u inattentive, selfish, and ignore her cues? Guess what now she a secretary. She bad at everything now πŸ˜‚. β€œSorry I already brushed my teeth and got ready for bed can we not? πŸ˜¬β€ Like one of them old secretaries. Emeritus status lol. Just waiting on her retirement party talmbout β€œAfter 48 years of service Shirley has informed us she’s retiring, we will miss her πŸ˜Œβ€ like bish don’t u mean 38 years of service and 10 years of Shirley talking isht in the coffee room?! πŸ˜‚ Now then, if u kindly, conscientious and wonderful, she gon convert from a secretary to a pleaser. She gon do things she ain’t een really into bc she like YOU! U be like β€œwow Stephanie I didn’t even know u liked this position lol! Where u learn this? U cheating? Lemme see ya phone 😀 I’LL KILL U *AND* HIM LOLOL JK NAH FR THO WHERE U LEARN THIS 😍.” πŸ˜‚ U feel me? She gon upgrade HERSELF if she fux with u. Blac Chyna bruh? She don’t fux with that dude. For all we know she just paid for dinner AND his car note. Let a woman pay for u she be a secretary REAL QUICK BLESS UP πŸ˜‚
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Men lemme holla at y'all. Humor is important. Cracking jokes is important. Now a lot of y'all gon crack a joke and then wait to see the reply and when she reply, u trying to understand the meaning. With that said here go smash's guide to girls replying to funny texts: (1) "lol". No laughter happened. No laughter will ever happen. Lower case 'lol' means she's either mad at you or doesn't care about you. Either way, fix this shit Bruh, because communication is on life support and u may never touch or feel that Punani ever again. (2) "LOL". That was legit funny. Nice work. She turned caps lock on for you. You stuck the joke. She didn't laugh but it was still humorous content. Now keep it G before you say something unfunny and she gotta pretend that she working when really she just done witchoe moderately funny ass. (3) "OMG LOL πŸ˜‚". Congrats, you said said some extra funny shit. Like she's not laughing but she's laughing in her head and if people were around, she'd giggle for real. Very nice. Keep going. (4) "YOU'RE A MESS πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚". This is the holy grail. She laughed so hard she peed a little (incidentally, if a girl is either hella entertained or hella turned on, she pees a little (what do u y'all think squirting is 😎)). In any event u just said some legitimately absolutely fvcking hilarious shit. So funny in fact that she thinks you're slightly unstable, which makes her also horny in a way she's not happy about. Like "why am I horny off of a man's twisted, unstable humor? This isn't natural. Damn you, vagina! Always being mysterious and shit." This is what u aiming for Bruh. U wanna be a mess. If she think u a mess, she fux with you for real and potentially wanna have chirren. Now go forth and be messy. U get me! Bless up πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚: She's helping do the dishes DrSmashlove Men lemme holla at y'all. Humor is important. Cracking jokes is important. Now a lot of y'all gon crack a joke and then wait to see the reply and when she reply, u trying to understand the meaning. With that said here go smash's guide to girls replying to funny texts: (1) "lol". No laughter happened. No laughter will ever happen. Lower case 'lol' means she's either mad at you or doesn't care about you. Either way, fix this shit Bruh, because communication is on life support and u may never touch or feel that Punani ever again. (2) "LOL". That was legit funny. Nice work. She turned caps lock on for you. You stuck the joke. She didn't laugh but it was still humorous content. Now keep it G before you say something unfunny and she gotta pretend that she working when really she just done witchoe moderately funny ass. (3) "OMG LOL πŸ˜‚". Congrats, you said said some extra funny shit. Like she's not laughing but she's laughing in her head and if people were around, she'd giggle for real. Very nice. Keep going. (4) "YOU'RE A MESS πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚". This is the holy grail. She laughed so hard she peed a little (incidentally, if a girl is either hella entertained or hella turned on, she pees a little (what do u y'all think squirting is 😎)). In any event u just said some legitimately absolutely fvcking hilarious shit. So funny in fact that she thinks you're slightly unstable, which makes her also horny in a way she's not happy about. Like "why am I horny off of a man's twisted, unstable humor? This isn't natural. Damn you, vagina! Always being mysterious and shit." This is what u aiming for Bruh. U wanna be a mess. If she think u a mess, she fux with you for real and potentially wanna have chirren. Now go forth and be messy. U get me! Bless up πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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Now one of my followers read my last caption and asked "smash what if I use my mirrors to back into spots??" Well baby I'm glad you asked. See this type of woman is very dangerous. Very very dangerous. If she can back into a spot, she got other life skills. She could change oil. She could change a flat tire. She could change a damn transmission with her bare hands. I had a ex like this. Tattooed young ting who worked as a waitress, she was feminine AF. When I closed her bedroom door she didn't like how it rubbed the door frame. Tell me why did homegirl take apart the two hinges, LIFT THE DOOR OFF THE FRAME, fix the hinges, AND PUT THE DOOR BACK. I was like "aye lemme help you with the door baby" she look at me dead ass like "IT'S HOLLOW - I GOT IT" and she maneuvering this big ass door bigger than her. Men - lemme tell u some shit, and I want u to remember this - u have never seen something crazier than a lil ass woman doing manual labor in only panties while her boobies flail about as she hammer and screw shit in. It's a wondrous thing, it truly is. So with that said, shout to u girls that's handy. Hands on. Elbow grease. (There's a saying that involves elbow grease because the old white men I work with say it all the time but I still don't know what it mean so when people talk about fixing shit, I just say "elbow grease" to fit in. I hope I used that correctly? Who knows πŸ€”). In any event shout to u girls who cocoa butter your bodies but also have elbow grease. Bring your greasy ass here girl let's have chirren - I fux with your handiness, ol Bob-Villa-as-a-pretty-woman lookin ass πŸ€—. Bless up! πŸ˜πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚: Blue heeler puppy Dr Smashlove Now one of my followers read my last caption and asked "smash what if I use my mirrors to back into spots??" Well baby I'm glad you asked. See this type of woman is very dangerous. Very very dangerous. If she can back into a spot, she got other life skills. She could change oil. She could change a flat tire. She could change a damn transmission with her bare hands. I had a ex like this. Tattooed young ting who worked as a waitress, she was feminine AF. When I closed her bedroom door she didn't like how it rubbed the door frame. Tell me why did homegirl take apart the two hinges, LIFT THE DOOR OFF THE FRAME, fix the hinges, AND PUT THE DOOR BACK. I was like "aye lemme help you with the door baby" she look at me dead ass like "IT'S HOLLOW - I GOT IT" and she maneuvering this big ass door bigger than her. Men - lemme tell u some shit, and I want u to remember this - u have never seen something crazier than a lil ass woman doing manual labor in only panties while her boobies flail about as she hammer and screw shit in. It's a wondrous thing, it truly is. So with that said, shout to u girls that's handy. Hands on. Elbow grease. (There's a saying that involves elbow grease because the old white men I work with say it all the time but I still don't know what it mean so when people talk about fixing shit, I just say "elbow grease" to fit in. I hope I used that correctly? Who knows πŸ€”). In any event shout to u girls who cocoa butter your bodies but also have elbow grease. Bring your greasy ass here girl let's have chirren - I fux with your handiness, ol Bob-Villa-as-a-pretty-woman lookin ass πŸ€—. Bless up! πŸ˜πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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Bruh shout to u ladies with the small kitty cats I see u. Petite. Composed. Adorable. I see a lil kitty cat and I'm like "oh hello lil kitty cat. I like u. Let me pet u before I play with u, witchoe lil pretty ass. Let's become long-term friends little kitten, and enjoy one another 😍." But u know what Bruh? Big ass fat kitty cats need love to. Me: "Say girl lemme see yo kitty cat ☺️." Her: "It's um, no, I'm - look, I'm a little embarrassed of my kitty cat. She's not pretty. Focus on my other features please." AW HELL TO THE FVCK NAH. Don't u ladies know by now that smash was placed on God's green earth to dispel your nonsensical insecurities? If u don't bring that big ass snarly kitty cat out right this second girl we gon have problems. Turn the lights on. Lemme see it. Lemme pet it. Lemme kiss it ... to provide that reassurance that I fux with yo big kitty cat havin ass. Lemme inhale that kitty cat aroma - yum. Festive. Delightful. Big kitty cat let's be friends. Supposably your large stature mean that u ain't cute, big ass kitty cat. Imma change that. I find the folds and rolls beautiful. How about we have a playdate, big kitty cat. A game of cat and mouse ☺️ (my mouse is a bit of a oversize mouse. He more like a guinea pig. Yes, I shave him. Don't ask too many questions big kitty cat I thought we weren't judging ☺️.) So to all u ladies with kitty cats - big or small - just know I love y'all. Smash adores all the kitty cats. No kitty cat left behind 😍. Bless up! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚: LOOK HOW TINY THIS KITTEN IS DrSmashlove Bruh shout to u ladies with the small kitty cats I see u. Petite. Composed. Adorable. I see a lil kitty cat and I'm like "oh hello lil kitty cat. I like u. Let me pet u before I play with u, witchoe lil pretty ass. Let's become long-term friends little kitten, and enjoy one another 😍." But u know what Bruh? Big ass fat kitty cats need love to. Me: "Say girl lemme see yo kitty cat ☺️." Her: "It's um, no, I'm - look, I'm a little embarrassed of my kitty cat. She's not pretty. Focus on my other features please." AW HELL TO THE FVCK NAH. Don't u ladies know by now that smash was placed on God's green earth to dispel your nonsensical insecurities? If u don't bring that big ass snarly kitty cat out right this second girl we gon have problems. Turn the lights on. Lemme see it. Lemme pet it. Lemme kiss it ... to provide that reassurance that I fux with yo big kitty cat havin ass. Lemme inhale that kitty cat aroma - yum. Festive. Delightful. Big kitty cat let's be friends. Supposably your large stature mean that u ain't cute, big ass kitty cat. Imma change that. I find the folds and rolls beautiful. How about we have a playdate, big kitty cat. A game of cat and mouse ☺️ (my mouse is a bit of a oversize mouse. He more like a guinea pig. Yes, I shave him. Don't ask too many questions big kitty cat I thought we weren't judging ☺️.) So to all u ladies with kitty cats - big or small - just know I love y'all. Smash adores all the kitty cats. No kitty cat left behind 😍. Bless up! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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U know what Bruh? Shout to u big girls at the gym. Shout to all u pretty ass big girls, I see u. I see u saddling up to the stair master next to me all self conscious. Sweater around the ass and thighs. Whole bunch of perfume on u because u afraid u gon sweat real hard and stink, I see u big girl - don't be shy. Let me inhale your essence...smash is a pervert, I fux with your delicate hormonal musk intermixed with half a bottle of Victoria Secret "Sexy Little Things Noir" - ain't nothing little or noir bout u, u more like a Sexy Voluptuous White Thing but it's all the same to me, my PP colorblind AF 😍 - now let that sweaty goodness waft into my nostrils, it get my engine going. Big girl I fux with your determination to make a change and get healthy. Society has hammered it into your head that big can't be beautiful but u know yo ass beautiful, u just here to get faster. Stronger. Juice that metabolism. Maybe u got diabetes in your family and u trying to reduce the risk. Regardless - u doing what's best. U taking that step. Lemme spot u while u do a pull up. One pull up hard AF the first time but cop that little door-hanging device for $19.99 and do them daily with a little chair to spot u and bam. Pretty soon u gon be a Cot damn pull up machine keeping pace with me doin 20-25 in a row. U feel me? Progress. I believe in u, big girl. Remember. It's not about being pretty. FUCK who thinks u can't be both big and pretty. This is about being the best u that u can be. Ya get me! More life more health more energy more good sex in 2017 leh go! Bless up 😍: go big or go home. he said yes!! @Dr Smashlove Put th on up (a u. MARRY MARR ME 2 U know what Bruh? Shout to u big girls at the gym. Shout to all u pretty ass big girls, I see u. I see u saddling up to the stair master next to me all self conscious. Sweater around the ass and thighs. Whole bunch of perfume on u because u afraid u gon sweat real hard and stink, I see u big girl - don't be shy. Let me inhale your essence...smash is a pervert, I fux with your delicate hormonal musk intermixed with half a bottle of Victoria Secret "Sexy Little Things Noir" - ain't nothing little or noir bout u, u more like a Sexy Voluptuous White Thing but it's all the same to me, my PP colorblind AF 😍 - now let that sweaty goodness waft into my nostrils, it get my engine going. Big girl I fux with your determination to make a change and get healthy. Society has hammered it into your head that big can't be beautiful but u know yo ass beautiful, u just here to get faster. Stronger. Juice that metabolism. Maybe u got diabetes in your family and u trying to reduce the risk. Regardless - u doing what's best. U taking that step. Lemme spot u while u do a pull up. One pull up hard AF the first time but cop that little door-hanging device for $19.99 and do them daily with a little chair to spot u and bam. Pretty soon u gon be a Cot damn pull up machine keeping pace with me doin 20-25 in a row. U feel me? Progress. I believe in u, big girl. Remember. It's not about being pretty. FUCK who thinks u can't be both big and pretty. This is about being the best u that u can be. Ya get me! More life more health more energy more good sex in 2017 leh go! Bless up 😍
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Shout to u ladies who let a man take a pic of u and then u don't approve it so he gotta take seven more until u look pretty. FYI: if u expect smash to EVER do that for u, u got me triple fvcked yo with a side of mash potatoes and a biscuit πŸ€—. Some of u ladies Bruh? Y'all gon send me 57 pics but it could all be one pic because ... it's the same damn pic from the same angle with three filters applied. I WANT ugly, candid pics of yo sexy ass. I want the flaws. I want the half uglass goofy smile where I caught u off guard. Don't ask me why. I love that shit. That's intimate. That's real. U feel me? A moment in time that only I get to see. If I fux with u, let me see the real u. I already like u. My opinion ain't changing off one pic. Ya get me! Bless up πŸ˜πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚: Drsmashlove Imma take a picture of you, k? Am I too close? Nah, you look great! Shout to u ladies who let a man take a pic of u and then u don't approve it so he gotta take seven more until u look pretty. FYI: if u expect smash to EVER do that for u, u got me triple fvcked yo with a side of mash potatoes and a biscuit πŸ€—. Some of u ladies Bruh? Y'all gon send me 57 pics but it could all be one pic because ... it's the same damn pic from the same angle with three filters applied. I WANT ugly, candid pics of yo sexy ass. I want the flaws. I want the half uglass goofy smile where I caught u off guard. Don't ask me why. I love that shit. That's intimate. That's real. U feel me? A moment in time that only I get to see. If I fux with u, let me see the real u. I already like u. My opinion ain't changing off one pic. Ya get me! Bless up πŸ˜πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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Bruh u know what I love? All these sassy ass 50-something male flight attendants on Southwest. Bruh - where u find these motherfvckers?! (1) They hilarious. They don't even speak normal English. They speak in riddles and shit: "And in the highly unlikely event of a water landing, just think of the incredible story you'll be able to tell your grandchildren!" Did y'all just joke about dis bish crashing?! Y'all don't give any type of fux, sassy Southwest flight attendant! I fux with your recklessness! πŸ˜‚ (2) They got stories for days. I'm waiting to use the lavatory and they telling me how they bout to do New Year's in Barbara Streisand's penthouse in Vegas where Elton John gonna do a live performance of "Can You Feel The Love Tonight" wearing only a bedazzled pink speedo. Old man...how TF yo New Year's 24x more lit than mine? U damn near grandpa-aged...But u gon be coked-up dancing to disco music like it's 1976 again. Jesus Christ Bruh I would say u winning. πŸ€” Anyway shout to u Bruce, Steven and Julio. Y'all wild AF. I'm the straightest man on earth but I appreciate y'all fabulousness. In addition to being the most on time, safest airline, I fux with the idea that the back of a Southwest airplane is a literal gay dance club that is a party from take-off to landing πŸ˜‚. Bless up! πŸ™ŒπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚: What a difference 1 day can make @Dr Smashlove Bruh u know what I love? All these sassy ass 50-something male flight attendants on Southwest. Bruh - where u find these motherfvckers?! (1) They hilarious. They don't even speak normal English. They speak in riddles and shit: "And in the highly unlikely event of a water landing, just think of the incredible story you'll be able to tell your grandchildren!" Did y'all just joke about dis bish crashing?! Y'all don't give any type of fux, sassy Southwest flight attendant! I fux with your recklessness! πŸ˜‚ (2) They got stories for days. I'm waiting to use the lavatory and they telling me how they bout to do New Year's in Barbara Streisand's penthouse in Vegas where Elton John gonna do a live performance of "Can You Feel The Love Tonight" wearing only a bedazzled pink speedo. Old man...how TF yo New Year's 24x more lit than mine? U damn near grandpa-aged...But u gon be coked-up dancing to disco music like it's 1976 again. Jesus Christ Bruh I would say u winning. πŸ€” Anyway shout to u Bruce, Steven and Julio. Y'all wild AF. I'm the straightest man on earth but I appreciate y'all fabulousness. In addition to being the most on time, safest airline, I fux with the idea that the back of a Southwest airplane is a literal gay dance club that is a party from take-off to landing πŸ˜‚. Bless up! πŸ™ŒπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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Shout to the polar bear bruh. He get hungry, he snatch a seal out the water and eat it. Raw meat out the sea. Sushi diet. Bam - just like me. He mainly a solitary adult. Just like me (I know I seem like a social butterfly but low key I hate people 😳 smh πŸ˜‚). He come out of solitude to fvck. Just like me. Other bears hibernate but he grinding all winter. Just like me. He got a fat underbelly - just like...whoa derr, easy now. Smash got a six pack 😘. But otherwise he JUST LIKE ME πŸ˜„. Shout to u Mr. Polar Bear. We a lot alike. I feel like if I ever vacation in the North Pole I could get a lil apartment and we could just chill and eat seal together and listen to 21 Savage and smoke a joint. Just kidding Mr. Polar Bear! Bears don't smoke lol u wildin right now. Nah but that's my homie. I fux with u Mr. Polar Bear. U da real MVP πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚: they look like baby polar bears @Dr Smashlove Shout to the polar bear bruh. He get hungry, he snatch a seal out the water and eat it. Raw meat out the sea. Sushi diet. Bam - just like me. He mainly a solitary adult. Just like me (I know I seem like a social butterfly but low key I hate people 😳 smh πŸ˜‚). He come out of solitude to fvck. Just like me. Other bears hibernate but he grinding all winter. Just like me. He got a fat underbelly - just like...whoa derr, easy now. Smash got a six pack 😘. But otherwise he JUST LIKE ME πŸ˜„. Shout to u Mr. Polar Bear. We a lot alike. I feel like if I ever vacation in the North Pole I could get a lil apartment and we could just chill and eat seal together and listen to 21 Savage and smoke a joint. Just kidding Mr. Polar Bear! Bears don't smoke lol u wildin right now. Nah but that's my homie. I fux with u Mr. Polar Bear. U da real MVP πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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