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Animals, Beautiful, and Crying: AN AVERAGE SATURDAY MORNING: WITH KIDS VS. WITHOUT KID WITH KIDS TIME WITHOUT KIDS Time to get up! Someone peed 6:00 You won't be getting up for 5 through his diaper and now your bed is covered in urine more You change a diaper and try to get the kid to sleep a little longer but now the he's yelling zoo animals and doing flips on the 6:30 You made some breakfast for your child, but today he decided he hates eggs. He's saying he wants "scrims" but you don't know what that means. He won't explain and just keeps yelling "scrims" louder and louder 7:00 Your pillow got a little warm so you turn it over and go back to You've now watched the same episode of Spongebob four times. One time you tried to change it over to the news and your kid shoved a spoon in the Tranquil visions dance in your 8:00 O0 head as the sweet embrace of slumber engulfs your resting body You attempt to take a shower but your kid keeps throwing can openers into the tub. You weren't aware that you hacd multiple can openers An angel comes down and gently kisses your forehead. Sleep well, sweet prince 8:30 You walk upstairs to your room, but didn't realize your kid was using the stairs as a stunt zone for Hot Wheels and you slip on one and nearly die as you tumble back down to the A hummingbird perches itself outside your window and sings a sweet lullaby. He blows you a kiss and soars away 9:00 You try to finally go to the bathroom, but forgot to lock the door so now your kid is crying because you won't let him dump sand in your lap. He dumps it on the dog instead. The sand was actually used cat litter You wake briefly to adjust your sleep number. (You bought an adjustable bed with all the disposable income you have from not having a kid.) 9:30 You hear laughter, which is almost more terrifying than crying. You walk in the living room to see your kid making 10:00 S Still sleeping soundly, like a puppy in front of a crackling snow angels in glue. There's no way you're getting your deposit back with a giant glue angel in the middle of the carpet Your kid doses off and you try to catch up on your favorite show You stir a little and check your texts. Your friend wants to go to brunch later. That sounds nice 30 more minutes of sleep and you'll get ready for that. Maybe go to mall later or ride go-karts Unfortunately, six minutes into it 10:30 there's a dramatic moment where the music builds and your kid is now wide-awake. (Screw You get everyone loaded into the car to go to the zoo, even though it's 90 degrees and so humid taxidermy is coming back to life. Your kid yells a racial slur he heard in a movie. Out of all the words he's heard, that's the only one that stuck. You wake up feeling refreshed and beautiful. You know what? It's Saturday. Let's just lie in the bed a while and watch a movie 11:00 srsfunny:Saturdays With Kids Vs. Without Kids

srsfunny:Saturdays With Kids Vs. Without Kids

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Animals, Ass, and Bad: Hey since I haven't been active in forever, who wants to hear a story about how 1 became a local cryptid in my town? Heck yeah! Yes Reply Alright lets do this So l live in a small neighborhood kinda thing, Its honestly shaped like someone connected two bongs with a straw that leads out to the street, so very tiny and not a lot of people drive through cause its a dead end and surrounded by woods Anyways, so it's Saturday morning, like 3 am and my sister has taken her behemoth of a dog outside Little background, this dog is a saint bermard, lab mix, so he big. Hes also amazingly stupid. He's only three and we got him a year ago so he still does stupid shit all the time. Anyways hes got a long lead line on him, probably 30 ft, so hes off doing whatever and ny sister is kinda dazed, still sleepy. Homeboy fucking TAKES OFF and runs into the woods behind y house, taking that lead with him and a good chunk of my sisters pal skin. Whatever he's chasing has speed, and hes keeping up with it. So l run outside cause shes screaming his name and start to take off after him. 1 thought that mother fucker would get caught on a tree due to the lead but nope was I wrong. Now the woods probably go a mile back before they hit road, and then stretch around s miles hotizontally I'm worried this dumb dog is gonna run into the street and get hit, so l run the mile to the street (with my very out of shape body. 1 honestly thought I was going to die). After like r5 minutes of tripping and trying to make my way through this damn jungle, I get to the street. At this point 1 still look a human so nothing happens, 1 dont see him anywhere, and 1 run back to the house cause I've realized I'm in a tank top and boxer shorts with no shoes and its tick season. So I change into a big ass sweatshirt and sweat pants and boots even though its almost oo degrees out because I do not want to have to deal with ticks After chugging some water 1 take back off, this time going horizontally 1 caught sight of something running so l took off, yelling ny brains out managing to sprain my ankle and rip half my hair outta my ponytail in the process Around a mile downl lose sight of it so l turn and hike the mile back to the street just to make sure it didn't go that way After that I go back to my house, and then return to the spot where i last saw him and continue walking till Imlike 2 miles away So my trip so far has been mile to street> mile home > i mile hotizontally>t mile to street >2 miles home> 2 ½ miles horizontally So I'm about ready to die. I'm covering in blood from smashing y arm one of my eyes has turned red cause a stick poked it, I've got a limp, I'm breathing like a dragon with asthma, and I'm covering in leaves and sticks I start yelling his name again and hear a bark in the distance so 1 take off and after like 5 minutes I spot him He is now howling like a banshee in distress I book it towards his dumb ass and practically tackle him, which ended up with me covered in a random assortment of shit. Cool, whatever. His leash is tied atound two trees so I unravel it and he pounces on me in relief. He's salivating like crazy so I take him to a stream near by to let him drink Mother fucker pulls me in. I'm too tired to be pissed. At this point now that I'm calming down I realize my boots are now soaking wet with both blood and water. I've got several scars on my thigh and they all got ripped open So Im gushing blood like no tomorrow.I soak my jacket in water and put it on this stupid dog so he wont get burnt on the way back and itll be a bit cooler. So now he looks even bigger then usual 1 take my shoes off and toss then over my neck and we're about to start the trek back when he takes off AGAIN. This time I'm holding the leash and 1 do not let go. He ends up slipping on a mud bank and taking me with him With are now covered head to toe in nad, shit, dirt, blood and whatever the hell else is in those woods. Some how he has ended up with no major wounds, but now I have a rock lodged in my forehead and blood in my eyes. And my shoes are gone. Whatever, 1 just want to get home. 1 pick a direction and walk until 1 end up in the back yard of someone who lives down the street. Lucky for me, this person has barbed wire in their back yard on the ground for some reason, which I trip on Now I have barbed wire practically wrapped around me like some crazy fashion statement. I wanted to get home so bad 1 didn't even bother to rip it off. I'd do that So now its like 6am, so its dark, but you can still see, and its dead quiet. I pull my sisters dog along with me, holding his collar so he cant take off again. So heres me, covered in blood, mud, and barbed wire, limping down the street, no shoes on, with a large dog wearing a jacket, which, from a distance, you cant tell. Now I smell like whatever was in those woods, and it is a strong smell, so as I walk by any house with a dog outside, that dog starts barking. Eventually the quiet is replaced with dogs howling, barking, snarling at me. 1 eventually make it back to my house, but not before passing a dude getting his newspaper or whatever He's a good distance away from me and he hesitantly calls out asking if Im okay. I respond with "yeah but I've been yelling for like 3 hours t as ungodly rasp. He goes right the fuck back in l get home, get cleaned up, get the dog cleaned up, and everythings fine UNTIL a couple nights later my mom goes to a neighborhood meeting story Turns out, there had been a black bear in the woods near my house, which people had been keeping an eye out for, but instead they saw (what they thought) was a "humanoid figure covered in spikes dragging a bear covered in blood around by its neck For the next few weeks people were talking about how they heard the "hortiie screeching" and how there was blood all down the streets and on the trees. The dude who asked if I was okay was telling everybody that the "thing growled at him and he could see it had blood red eyes So now theres a rumor about a demon with razor sharp tendrils who feeds on wild animals by slashing them open and drinking their blood Rumor states that you'll hear it before you see it, and the sound it makes sounds like a howl and a scream People later found my boots covered in blood and said it was a "victim of the demon. A week later a house that was being built caught fire and that was blamed on me, as well as an accident where someone swerved to avoid something and crashed through a house. The stream turned blood red after some heavy rainfall. which was due to the mud, but also blamed on me and some mote for a couple nights (coyotes most people "spotting" the demon (which was either their imagination or the actual bear) the rumot grew and grew so now its famous in my neighborhood So yeah thats how 1 became a bear killing demon in my neighborhood. I was too embarrassed. How to become a cryptid
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Blackpeopletwitter, Respect, and Best: Tweet HennyWise koopa kinte Since "disrespecting the flag is still the narrative being used, this courtesy of the US Flag Code Chapter 10: Respect for fla A Thread 3:13 PM.23 Sep 17 38.4K Retweets 46.9K Likes HennyWise @koopa_kinte 5h Replying to @koopa kinte Let's jump right in US Flag Code: Chapter 10.176C The flag should never be carried flat or horizontally, but always aloft and free 45 t2 467 102K E US Flag Code: Chapter 10.176D The flag should never be used as wearing apparel, bedding, or drapery* 90 t 4704 9687 E HennyWise @koopa kinte 5h Here's a popular violation US Flag Code Chapter 10.176 The flag should never be used for advertising purposes in any manner 23 ta 4,706 9,147 HennyWise @koopa kinte- Sh US Flag Code Chapter 10.176l (pt 2) It should not be embroidered on such articles as cushions or handkerchiefs and the like. 017 3,187 ㅇ6,987 HennyWise @koopa kinte- 5h US Flag Code Chapter 10.176l (pt3) ...or otherwise impressed on paper napkins or anything that is designed for temporary use and discard HennyWise @koopa-kinte , 5h Since it's Saturday.. ﹀ US Flag Code Chapter 10.176J No part of the flag should ever be used as a costurne or athletic uniform 41 3.579\7.560 HennyWise @koopa kinte 5h Not covered in the Respect for Flag section, standing/kneeling/sitting. That's considered a conduct violation, not disrespectful. 19 1 260708E HennyWise @koopa kinte 5h Nothing in the Flag Code explicit states you have to stand, just that you "should: All the things I listed were outlined as disrespectful. 2 2230 4623 E HennyWise @koopa kinte 5h v So yanno, if you want to point your anger at the flag being disrespected anywhere.. the mirror might be the best place to start. Fin HennyWise @koopa kinte 5h Signed A 3rd Generation Vet 251 th 188 122 E cash.me/sMcBeardFace 018 tl 101 1.474 <p>Flag respect? (via /r/BlackPeopleTwitter)</p>

Flag respect? (via /r/BlackPeopleTwitter)

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Britney Spears, Disneyland, and Memes: Britney Spears was having all of it Saturday at Disneyland with her boyfriend, Sam Asghari and her kids. britneyspears disneyland tmz

Britney Spears was having all of it Saturday at Disneyland with her boyfriend, Sam Asghari and her kids. britneyspears disneyland tmz

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Advice, Ass, and Bless Up: Family time is good doggo time.. @DrSmashlove So yesterday one of my followers asked me to write about the perfect bj. And just like that...writers block gone 😂. Now this is a topic that's near and dear to my heat bc I'm not a huge fan of blowski's, so for a blowski to catch my fancy it gotta be legendary. Why? The answer is twofold: (1) nothing beats the soft, warm confines of the four walls of the Punanius Maximus. (2) I don't beat my meat so when I bust, a lot has built up by then, and I'm a fire hose 🤗💦. Now look. As a brother, we can't just engage in extremely reckless activity. We might squeeze your throat, but not too hard. Give you a sexy lil slap...but not to hard. U feel me? This shit wouldn't play well in a police report 😕. So likewise what if attempt to empty the banana clip in yo throat and I "over-produced"? What if yo lungs are overwhelmed and u drown? Bam: smash in handcuffs being interrogated for homicide by one of them big ass coppers who's mainly fat but also some muscle so he built like a port-a-potty with a crew cut and he all: "AT ANY TIME MR. SMASH DID YOU EVER FEEL LIKE MAYBE THE GAGGING MEANT SHE COULDN'T BREATHE?" Me: "sir I plead the fif until my Jewish lawyer get her it's Saturday afternoon so we it's gon be a couples hours until sunset he observes the sabbath bless up thank you 💕." So what's a good bj? Forget about everything Cosmo magazine told u. About using your hand to twist and pull and create a funnel etc. I've been with exactly one girl who converted me when it came to head-top and the way she did it is, she wouldn't let me bust anywhere except her throat. I would physically try to retreat and she lunge forward and throw it in her throat and look up at me with tears in her eyes while she took every drop. So my advice? Let the throat do the work, and drown on the dih 🤗😂. A bit painful but as when u eat the Nani - U gotta submerse yourself to get the full effect. One more thing. This girl, who is a legend, never - ever - bragged about her prowess. Let this be a lesson to yall who spend hours talmbout how incredible your ___ game is. If you surprise them, it's that much more intense! Ya get me! Bless up! 😍😂😂😂
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