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Cheetos, Cute, and Dogs: 410) e "G-11 38% 8:26 PM Today 10:38 AM My three favorite things are eating dogs and not using commas Clearly I need an English teacher in my life Today 3:05 PM The best one of those was- "Let's eat, Gramma!" VS "Let's eat Gramma!" Today 6:40 PM Oh, I remember being taught a different version of that one in grade school. I think it went something like "Let's eat out You're clever Like that was actually really good Today 7:03 PM Good enough to get your number? I feel like we're 50% there Wo-oah, [I'm] livin' on a prayer 54% Oh man, tough crowd Ifelt like your percentage was increasing too fast Don't worry, I'm never in a rush. Would you hold on to something while I take a walk though? A dog?! My hand We'll make it, I swear That was slick, 5 points for gryffindor I feel like that was worth exactly 15% towards the running total Ok I'll say 65% Would you rather be sexually attracted to fish or always have Cheetos dust on your fingers? Am I attracted to all fish now or just the cute ones like normal? Also I think you forgot the extra 4% earned l said I'll give you the extra points to make it 65% total Compromise, man All fish and only fish. Like you are only aroused by fish That's fine with me, you're quite the catch and I seem to have you on the hook Getting closer, 75% I'm glad that I'm reeling you in Today 8:25 PM You can earn the rest of the percentage later l suppose GIF ype a message... Is this what peaking feels like?

Is this what peaking feels like?

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A Dream, Crying, and Driving: soonish. There are no real problems with I know you are asking $1200 and that seems like a good price. Would you be willing to hold it until next week? I really need a car but I have to wait til my taxes come Sorry, I already told someone I wouldn't hold it. That's fine. I've had a hard time finder something reliable in my price range. I'm borrowing my moms car now, but it's tough to get me and her to work and my kids to preschool but were making it work. Hopefully l'll get my taxes back next week. No prob. I actually just want the car to go to someone who needs it. If you need it, you can have it. Thanks so much! I'll let you know as soon as the direct deposits comes through. So excited! No, I mean do you want the car for free? l wanted to make sure whoever got it actually needed it, so I didn't list it as free because everyone would have "needed" it, but probably just resold it What?? Are you serious? You don't have todo that, the price is fine. I wouldn't feel right not paying for it. No, srsly. I want to give it to someone who needs it, and you seem to genuinely need it. It's yours. No money needed I'm crying... are you kidding? Why would you do that? No, not kidding. I don't need it and I figured someone else did. I'm glad you'll be able to use it. Can you meet today or tomorrow? Are you sure? I'm so excited and cat believe this! You have no idea how much this will bless me and my kids! Omg, I'm literally crying right now Yes I can meet whenever you want but I deffnstly don't have money to pay for it right now Lol, no money needed! Really. (except to register it, I guess). Let me know if you need help with that too, I want to get you driving it ASAP THANKS YOU SOOO MUCH Are you real? This feels like a dream This is absolutely amazing !! A woman offered her car for free !

This is absolutely amazing !! A woman offered her car for free !

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Alive, Bodies , and Brains: ilthat TIL that due to their small brains koalas are unable to perform complex, unfamiliar tasks such as eat leaves off of flat surfaces. via reddit.com toast-potent how are they even alive kickin-jeans eucalyptus trees are full of flammable oil that causes the trees to explode during forest fires, killing other trees and spreading its seeds to grow in their place koalas survive solely because nothing else in their environment Wants To Eat The Fucking Bombs humandisastersquad WROTE THIS POST#god dont get me fuckin started#the NUMBER of times ive Gone Off abt koalas in zooarch class#on a scale of koalas to wombats how good is ur marsupial at Being Alive#hey hey u know what else? koalas are s0 picky with their diet that theyll only eat the leaves of one (1) type of eucalypt#and even then ONLY specimens of that tree that are within a very tight geographic range of where the koala was born#the rescue centre in my city? they have to ship branches from all over the state bc koalas there physically Will Not Eat anything thats not#from their very very small very precise home range#theyd rather starve to death than try leaves from like the next suburb over#i have 60 other reasons why koalas spit in the face of natural selection hmu if you want YELLING i cant be bothered to list them all here#god theyre so incomprehensibly dumb. god#HEY ALSO the reason their brains are so small is bc YEah the one SINGLE species of tree they eat is incredibly toxic#their diet consists of 1 food and it is Brain-Shrinking Poison (@reyroace) reyroace oh u like that? try this one: the main natural cause of death in koalas is starvation, because 1) their dumbass teeth are SHIT. to be a herbivore and chomp cellulose all day u need some real tough grinders in there, and almost every other herbivore in nature has SOME sort of dental adaptation to make sure they dont run out of tooth by the time they hit middle age. horses have big tall teeth, wombat teeth grow forever, kangaroos have got a little conveyor belt system goin on, etc etc everyone's doin SOMETHING except fuckign koalas. idiots have tiny fuckin shortass normal teeth that do an okay job for maybe like 15 years and then wear down and leave them with ridiculous fuckin useless old man gums that do shit all. but thats fine bc all koalas do anyway is sit in trees and sleep 22hrs a day then wake up and scream and eat poison and they do this all day every day until they run out of teeth at which point they just fall out of the tree and die 2) idiots can't die any other fuckin way bc nothing in nature wants to eat them bc their bodies are chocker block with LITERAL poison. fuckin USELESS their flesh just sits around and slowly rots bc its too gross-tasting and toxic for any animal w half a brain cell to think abt going near it. have yall ever seen koala viscera. bc i have and let me tell u that shit is RANK. looks like the inside of a smoker's lung from some fuckdamn nicabate ad bc the tannins in eucalypt leaves stain their organs like khaki black. like some fuckin darklsteve irwin costume well better piss ur way right off from this one anti-steve bc thats a natural defense mechanism meant to warn u that koalas should in no way be alive and if u touch them theyll drag u into their stupid evolutionary dead-end where they get to sit around all day doin fuck all and pumpin themselves full of brain-killing poison while we run around makin them our olympic games mascots and pretending theyre cute and honest to god looking for ways to save them from the brink of extinction which actually is unnecessary bc a) theyre not really endangered at all, nature is a fuckign miracle and b) the drongos clearly want to die so i say let em reyroace by the way i never elaborated on "koalas sit in trees all day screaming" but heres a lil fuckin. heres a fun nugget heres a lil soundbyte this is what koalas sound like https://www.youtube.com/watch?v-jmeBQVQlsTU https://www.youtube.com/watch?v-O0CAx1jLbJk gallusrostromegalus My favorite story about Koalas comes from the book The Killer Koala Humorous Australian Bush Stories" By Kenneth Cook, which is an excellently good book with some A+ storytelling. he describes the Koala's "Anti-Dingo Defense", wherein they latch on to the belly of the dingo to slow down the rate at which they are being consumed alive by starving canid, gradually trn themselves around until they've got thier head in the Dingo's crotch, and then procede to BITE THE SHIT out of the Dingo's Tender Bits, whilst clowing at the ribs and projectile-evacuating thier bowels, Mr. Cook found out about the Anti-Dingo Defense beause he was tricked into 'rescuing' a bunch of koalas off an island by the promise of a Hot Date with a young lady, wondered why they were all being given armored aprons to handle the koalas with, only to find out firsthand, which pretty much ruined his prospects of a date. teratomarty What I'm getting is that koalas are basically Australian-grade Death Sloths. the more you know
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Alive, Comfortable, and Friends: GAYmer trans @trans_gaymes Following I've dated two cis gay guys, both of whom weren't into vaginas. One just told me he wasn't comfortable with them in a sexual way, I told him that's fine and it was never a problem in our relationship. The other one, however... 10:20 PM-11 Dec 2018 16 Retweets 78 Likes GAYmer trans@trans_gaymes 17h The other guy purposefully used this against me. He asked me out KNOWING that I'm trans, then a week into our relationship, said he could never be happy with a "biological female", and that we HAD to have an open relationship, which I wasn't comfortable with. GAYmer trans@trans_gaymes 17h I told him I wasn't comfortable with an open relationship, but he insisted he couldn't date me and be happy otherwise, so I gave in and agreed. At the time, I didn't see how fucked up this actually was. I didn't realize until after I broke up with him. GAYmer trans @trans_gaymes 17h After I broke up with him, he sent death threats against me to my friends. When reported these threats, he insisted that I was trying to force him to be sexually attracted to me. Which is the exact opposite of what happened GAYmer trans@trans_gaymes 17h I would have had no problem with him not being into me that way. But instead, he made his own manipulation against me look like I was the one manipulating him. And I was blamed for him threatening my life, and he faced no consequences for that. GAYmer trans@trans_gaymes 17h So that's how I know that the "trans people are trying to force people to have sex with them" claims are wrong. Because l've personally lived through being demonized by them. And I'm lucky to have made it out alive, because he really would have killed me if he had the chance.
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Blessed, Crying, and Sorry: @oscarewilde i received this comically large pencil asa gift several years ago and my first thought, understandably, was 'what the christ am i meant to do with this?" 工@oscarewilde. 1d the 2nd thought i had was: I'm Quite Certain I Could Ruin Someone's Day With This. And so a while ago i took it in with me to a lecture, hoping against hope that whichever poor Fool was unfortunate enough to sit next to me might have forgotten or misplaced their writing implement 3 0458 8,741 工@oscarewilde. 1d utilising The Pencil is also dependent on the person not using a laptop. So the chances of success are extraordinarily slim, and I've only managed to find suitable candidates three times in all of the dozens of occasions i've had The Pencil on my person 3 I @oscarewilde 1d i size up my target, watching them feign patting their pockets in vain for the ballpoint they so obviously left at home, and i wait, i wait for the blessed question.... Do You Have A Pen I Could Borrow? I @oscarewilde .1d 'Oh, i say, 'I'm so sorry; I only have a pencil.' 'That's fine!' i hear them say, distantly now, as the blood is rushing to my ears and i can barely hear them. I maintain a straight face. This is key to the delivery and the final blow 5 633 13.8K @oscarewilde 1d I reach into my bag for The Pencil. The look of utter dumbfounded misery as i hand it to the victim is unparalleled in its sweetness. In an instant their eyes flicker through the 5 stages of grief, landing on acceptance, as they realise it's This or Nothing 7 834 14.8K @oscarewilde 10 they Always take the pencil 67 2,088 33.5K prideprejudce:she weaponized her gag gift im crying

prideprejudce:she weaponized her gag gift im crying

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Beautiful, Life, and Minecraft: bee-cowboy I hate shipwrecks in Minecraft bc they imply that there is/was some form of intelligent life in Minecraft before the player.. It's clearly not villagers bc they can't even build a village properly.. Who are these mysterious ship builders and where did they go. bee-cowboy halfaqueen It's my theory that Minecraft is post-apocalypse, most likely nuclear and the monsters where mutated by the fallout. The villagers are a new humanoid evolution trying to become the next dominant species and you are the last of the truly human survivors @halfaqueen your mind.. halfaqueern actually the more i think ab it the more beautiful and lonely the world gets. i developed this interpretation after mineshafts where added but even before that, the temples buried by sand? trapped caverns in jungles? even in other worlds, fortresses in hell itself now only guarded by skeletons? houses in the end only accessible by portal after defeating the dragon? all relics of a past race thats beern mysteriously wiped. the villagers dont know perhaps, they see you and assume your one of them. different perhaps, your nose is much to short and face much to squished, your language garbled complexities they have yet to decode, but thats fine to them. you have things they want and they have things you want. perhaps they will one day, long after you get tired of this world, uncover those past relics as well. perhaps they will recognize the stories passed down, perhaps they will lament not trying to understand you, to find the missing pieces of the race before them now entirely gone or something like that. im v tired what the fuck, carol
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