The Lesbian Porn Mystery: ofgeography
ou think just because I'm a movie
star Idont have feelings.
Well, you're wrong! I do have
IM AN ACTRESS
HAVE ALL OF THEMI
so here's a fun story about this movie. guess who loves this movie? mel i dol i
love this movie. i love this movie so much that when i was in the 7th grade and i
saw Tirst wives club 2" on pay per view i was like: HELL YEAHIl FIRST WIVES
CLUB TWO!" NO ONE TOLD ME THERE WAS A SEQUELII
here's the synopsis for first wives club 2
disgruntled first wives take their ex-husbands' new lovers under their wing.
sounds great, right? awesome viewing material for a precocious 11-year-old.
so i buy this movie, and like, three minutes into it i'm starting to feel suspicious??
like it's really low quality and my girls are nowhere in sight?? how come none of
the first wives are the same?? how come they're alone in a bedroom with mood
lighting?? why is she taking off her shirt?? why are they both taking off their
shirts?? WHY ARE THEY
here's what i did not know about first wives club 2
It is a lesbian porno of no relation to the beloved 1996 classic.
so of course l, horrified that i've accidentally bought porn on my family's account
(and in that state of panic that kids work themselves into whenever anything
regarding sex is mentioned), quickly shut off the TV and go upstairs and watch
an episode of veggie tales to like, cleanse my soul and apologize to jesus, and
EXCEPT, OF COURSE
you have to pay for pay per view
so the end of the month comes and i have completely put this incident out of my
mind, haha, i accidentally bought porn, how funny, TELL NO ONE. right? and im
sitting at a nice dinner with my mother, my stepfather, and my very religious aunt
deb, and we're just talking about farm things, whatever, when suddenly my
mother puts her fork down and says, "okay, there's something we need to
discuss. as a family
.AS A FAMILY
and im like, running through a list of people i know who could conceivably be
dead, and fantasizing about my mother announcing that she's going to buy me
My Own Computer Just Because U Eaned It Kiddo, and she puls out a piece of
paper that says DIRECTV across the top. and Im like: OH NO.
i received the tv bill today," my mother said, and i was like, shoveling potatoes
into my mouth as fast as i could because i knew that when i went to PORN
PRISON they weren't going to feed me this kind of quality starch. "does anybody
want to tell me who purchased the pornography?
as a reminder, a quick table survey:
my mother, surprised and disappointed by the porn bill (innocent)
my stepfather, a grumbly old cowboy who just wants to sing along to
kenny chesney and watch the hunt for red october (innocent)
my aunt deb, a super religious catholic whose best friend is a nun named
Sister Placid (innocent)
me, the 11-year-old with a mouthful of potatoes who definitely purchased
the lesbian pornography
my mother said, Tm not going to ask again
my aunt looked at my stepdad. my stepdad looked at my aunt. NOBODY
LOOKED AT ME, THE 11-YEAR-OLD WITH A MOUTHFUL OF POTATOES
WHO DEFINITELY PURCHASED THE LESBIAN PORNOGRAPHY
my mother shook her head and put the bill down. this was incredibly
inappropriate, she said. "skip, deb, whoever. buy that shit on your own time. I'm
not paying for it. what if molly had seen it?
WHAT IF MOLLY HAD SEEN IT?
don't expose my kid to that crap.
TO THAT CRAP
if you want to watch porn, fine, but do it in private and don't expect me to pay
for it. i can't believe one of you did that in the living room.
I CAN'T BELIEVE ONE OF YOU DID THAT
.IN THE LIVING ROOM
but molly, why didn't you own up to it and explain that it was an accident?
are you fucking kidding
.i did not want to go to porn prison
the tin conclusion to this story เร that I never owned up to it, which means that
there are 3 people in the world who have not solved the mystery of the lesbian
porn. a quick survey
my mother, who lives every day wondering whose porn she paid for
.my stepfather, who probably wishes he knew less about his wite's sister's
my aunt, who probably wishes she knew less about her sister's husband's
but molly, why don't you own up to it now, with the safety of time and
distance and the knowledge that porn prison isn't real?
are you fucking kidding
this is the best thing rve ever done
#molly writes things
The Lesbian Porn Mystery