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rubitrightintomyeyes: theonion: Rock Apparently Factors Into Girlfriend’s Shower Routine SEATTLE—Saying he was confused about the full extent of its purpose as well as its overall benefit, local man Jacob Ferris, 25, nonetheless surmised today that the oblong rock located in girlfriend Sarah Milstein’s shower caddy must somehow factor into her bathing routine, sources confirmed. “I guess at some point while she’s showering, she rubs a rock on her body,” said Ferris, expressing what he claimed was “the only possible conclusion” about the light-gray rock in his girlfriend’s bathroom. “I mean, it looks sort of nice, so she could just have it there for decoration or something. But it’s usually right near all the other soaps and her loofah, so I think it’s probably something she actually uses while under the water.” “I really don’t know how it all works,” Ferris added. “All I know is that in between Sarah getting into the shower and getting out, there’s a rock involved.” Ferris, who said he was unable to determine exactly when in the showering process the rock first comes into play, told reporters he is equally clueless about what part of the body the rock is used on. In addition, Ferris said he occasionally inspects the roughly 3-ounce object when he’s in Milstein’s shower, and told reporters that the rock is nearly always wet and is occasionally moved to slightly different spots within the bathtub, leading him to believe that his girlfriend uses it fairly regularly. He also noted his girlfriend’s bathing time never seems particularly longer than the average person’s considering she has added a rock into the mix. Ferris added that all attempts to incorporate the rock into his own shower routine have ultimately been unsuccessful. “I tried rubbing it on my skin once, and it hurt,” Ferris said, concluding that pouring soap and water directly onto the rock neither made it softer nor easier on his skin. “I could maybe see how it could get some dirt off of your body, but it seems too painful to work. Her skin usually looks nice though, so maybe I’m wrong.” “There is a chance it could be a hair thing,” Ferris continued. “Maybe she rubs the rock in her hair? I don’t know.” Ferris confirmed he has considered numerous reasons for why his girlfriend uses the rock in the shower, including that she has some type of skin condition, that the rock is some sort of weird tradition her family has, or that everyone uses rocks in the shower and he has been out of the loop the entire time. “It could be for cleaning the bathtub,” said Ferris, adding he once suspected the rock was a device for making the bathroom smell nice, but then noticed it had no discernible smell whatsoever. “Like every few weekends she scrubs the tub with this rock? I guess I could see Sarah doing that.” While Ferris said he is mostly certain that the rock was initially purchased at a home goods store of some kind, he was not able to completely rule out the possibility it was just a rock that his girlfriend found on the ground and decided to put in her shower. “I wonder if I should put a rock in my shower for when she’s over here,” said Ferris, who said he once tried to locate a rock at a Bed Bath & Beyond, but left after not wanting to walk up to a sales clerk and ask them where they kept their “shower rocks.” “Or I could just tell her to leave a rock at my place if she wants.” “I’m probably not going to do that,” Ferris added. At press time, a visibly perplexed Ferris had seen the rock sitting in Milstein’s trashcan and then looked in the shower to see another rock sitting in its place. : rubitrightintomyeyes: theonion: Rock Apparently Factors Into Girlfriend’s Shower Routine SEATTLE—Saying he was confused about the full extent of its purpose as well as its overall benefit, local man Jacob Ferris, 25, nonetheless surmised today that the oblong rock located in girlfriend Sarah Milstein’s shower caddy must somehow factor into her bathing routine, sources confirmed. “I guess at some point while she’s showering, she rubs a rock on her body,” said Ferris, expressing what he claimed was “the only possible conclusion” about the light-gray rock in his girlfriend’s bathroom. “I mean, it looks sort of nice, so she could just have it there for decoration or something. But it’s usually right near all the other soaps and her loofah, so I think it’s probably something she actually uses while under the water.” “I really don’t know how it all works,” Ferris added. “All I know is that in between Sarah getting into the shower and getting out, there’s a rock involved.” Ferris, who said he was unable to determine exactly when in the showering process the rock first comes into play, told reporters he is equally clueless about what part of the body the rock is used on. In addition, Ferris said he occasionally inspects the roughly 3-ounce object when he’s in Milstein’s shower, and told reporters that the rock is nearly always wet and is occasionally moved to slightly different spots within the bathtub, leading him to believe that his girlfriend uses it fairly regularly. He also noted his girlfriend’s bathing time never seems particularly longer than the average person’s considering she has added a rock into the mix. Ferris added that all attempts to incorporate the rock into his own shower routine have ultimately been unsuccessful. “I tried rubbing it on my skin once, and it hurt,” Ferris said, concluding that pouring soap and water directly onto the rock neither made it softer nor easier on his skin. “I could maybe see how it could get some dirt off of your body, but it seems too painful to work. Her skin usually looks nice though, so maybe I’m wrong.” “There is a chance it could be a hair thing,” Ferris continued. “Maybe she rubs the rock in her hair? I don’t know.” Ferris confirmed he has considered numerous reasons for why his girlfriend uses the rock in the shower, including that she has some type of skin condition, that the rock is some sort of weird tradition her family has, or that everyone uses rocks in the shower and he has been out of the loop the entire time. “It could be for cleaning the bathtub,” said Ferris, adding he once suspected the rock was a device for making the bathroom smell nice, but then noticed it had no discernible smell whatsoever. “Like every few weekends she scrubs the tub with this rock? I guess I could see Sarah doing that.” While Ferris said he is mostly certain that the rock was initially purchased at a home goods store of some kind, he was not able to completely rule out the possibility it was just a rock that his girlfriend found on the ground and decided to put in her shower. “I wonder if I should put a rock in my shower for when she’s over here,” said Ferris, who said he once tried to locate a rock at a Bed Bath & Beyond, but left after not wanting to walk up to a sales clerk and ask them where they kept their “shower rocks.” “Or I could just tell her to leave a rock at my place if she wants.” “I’m probably not going to do that,” Ferris added. At press time, a visibly perplexed Ferris had seen the rock sitting in Milstein’s trashcan and then looked in the shower to see another rock sitting in its place.

rubitrightintomyeyes: theonion: Rock Apparently Factors Into Girlfriend’s Shower Routine SEATTLE—Saying he was confused about the full...

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daisyannewinchester: karadin: heads up! Never ever say yes before you identify who is on the other line. Some phrases you can use Hello This is xyz I am here How are you Who is this What’s up How can I help you What god do you serve Who is your master Speak now or forever hold your peace What do you want You have reached a life model decoy of [your name] please leave a message. And if its urgent, leave it urgently. Beep. Then hang up What’s bracken bro, how you livin My names Chelsea, what’s your favorite dinner food You have reached Mistress Elena’s Dungenous Deeds how may I be of pleasure to you today To talk to a customer, please press one I’m gay Just start singing Try to sell them something. That will throw them for a loop Pretend the line is breaking up by making static sounds with your mouth Speak State your purpose What you want, baby I got it. What you need? You know I’m askin Error 404 phone set to self destruct in 5… 4… 3… *Liam Neeson voice* Whoever you are, I will find you and I will kill you Answer with a lewd moan Answer crying I have done all of these. : daisyannewinchester: karadin: heads up! Never ever say yes before you identify who is on the other line. Some phrases you can use Hello This is xyz I am here How are you Who is this What’s up How can I help you What god do you serve Who is your master Speak now or forever hold your peace What do you want You have reached a life model decoy of [your name] please leave a message. And if its urgent, leave it urgently. Beep. Then hang up What’s bracken bro, how you livin My names Chelsea, what’s your favorite dinner food You have reached Mistress Elena’s Dungenous Deeds how may I be of pleasure to you today To talk to a customer, please press one I’m gay Just start singing Try to sell them something. That will throw them for a loop Pretend the line is breaking up by making static sounds with your mouth Speak State your purpose What you want, baby I got it. What you need? You know I’m askin Error 404 phone set to self destruct in 5… 4… 3… *Liam Neeson voice* Whoever you are, I will find you and I will kill you Answer with a lewd moan Answer crying I have done all of these.

daisyannewinchester: karadin: heads up! Never ever say yes before you identify who is on the other line. Some phrases you can use Hello...

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salt-of-the-ao3: ao3commentoftheday: Version 1.0 - Fanfic Trope Selector Click here to visit the random fanfic trope selector. Filled with 126 fandom tropes supplied by my followers (and the internet), take a chance and see which one you get.  Note: The images above are screen captures from the selector. The selector displays rapidly moving text. If this will bother you (or cause issues for your health), close your eyes before clicking. On desktop, hit P to stop the selector and get your trope. On your phone, tap the screen to do the same thing. (I just learned how to do this and I wanted to try it out) This. Is so, SO cool!! Thank you!!: desktop Press P to stop fake dating phone tap to To select a new stop prompt, refresh the page and try again. desktop Press P to stop hurt/ comfort phone tap to To select a new stop prompt, refresh the page and try again. desktop Press P to stop soulmates phone au tap to To select a new stop prompt, refresh the page and try again. salt-of-the-ao3: ao3commentoftheday: Version 1.0 - Fanfic Trope Selector Click here to visit the random fanfic trope selector. Filled with 126 fandom tropes supplied by my followers (and the internet), take a chance and see which one you get.  Note: The images above are screen captures from the selector. The selector displays rapidly moving text. If this will bother you (or cause issues for your health), close your eyes before clicking. On desktop, hit P to stop the selector and get your trope. On your phone, tap the screen to do the same thing. (I just learned how to do this and I wanted to try it out) This. Is so, SO cool!! Thank you!!

salt-of-the-ao3: ao3commentoftheday: Version 1.0 - Fanfic Trope Selector Click here to visit the random fanfic trope selector. Filled wi...

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