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Cheetos, Cute, and Dogs: 410) e "G-11 38% 8:26 PM Today 10:38 AM My three favorite things are eating dogs and not using commas Clearly I need an English teacher in my life Today 3:05 PM The best one of those was- "Let's eat, Gramma!" VS "Let's eat Gramma!" Today 6:40 PM Oh, I remember being taught a different version of that one in grade school. I think it went something like "Let's eat out You're clever Like that was actually really good Today 7:03 PM Good enough to get your number? I feel like we're 50% there Wo-oah, [I'm] livin' on a prayer 54% Oh man, tough crowd Ifelt like your percentage was increasing too fast Don't worry, I'm never in a rush. Would you hold on to something while I take a walk though? A dog?! My hand We'll make it, I swear That was slick, 5 points for gryffindor I feel like that was worth exactly 15% towards the running total Ok I'll say 65% Would you rather be sexually attracted to fish or always have Cheetos dust on your fingers? Am I attracted to all fish now or just the cute ones like normal? Also I think you forgot the extra 4% earned l said I'll give you the extra points to make it 65% total Compromise, man All fish and only fish. Like you are only aroused by fish That's fine with me, you're quite the catch and I seem to have you on the hook Getting closer, 75% I'm glad that I'm reeling you in Today 8:25 PM You can earn the rest of the percentage later l suppose GIF ype a message... Is this what peaking feels like?

Is this what peaking feels like?

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Fake, Fucking, and Girls: a-fragile-sort-of-anarchy I'm going to save up for a new motorcycle by running a scam where I bet straight dudes at bars twenty bucks that I can get a girl's number in under five minutes and then politely walk up her and say, "I just bet that asshole twenty bucks that I could get your number. I'll split it with you if you pretend to laugh like I just said a good pick up line and then write a fake number on my hand." Like, I never understood those kind of bets in those shitty teen movies. Everybody loves being part of a scheme, man. Use your head whoamiamneko If anyone ever does this to me l'll call them out on being a con artist a-fragile-sort-of-anarchy Joke's on you, buddy. That'll only have consequences the first, what, couple dozern times? I can take a punch But then eventually, l'll have money for the bike, and whenever I get called out, I'Il just speed off, and, sure, maybe I crash and die in a gutter and the police can't figure out why I have hundreds of fake phone numbers stuffed in my jacket and it launches a huge investigation that becomes sort of a local legend, but you know whose problem that is? Not fucking mine Because l'm a slutty motorcycle ghost, and who's gonna' stop me then? The ghost cops? Nice try. Everybody knows cops can't become ghosts because they just go straight to hell. It's basic math whoamiamneko Moral of the story, don't be a con artist or you will die in a horrible accident and become a lonely ghost a-fragile-sort-of-anarchy First of all, don't you ever accuse me of having morals, narrative or otherwise, ever again And second, where did I say l'd be lonely? I'd be a ghost on a motorcycle. That's the sexiest thing that there is. You look me in the eyes and tell me you wouldn't bone Ghostrider. Look me in the goddamn eyes Source: a-fragile-sort-of-anarchy How to become a legend
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Confused, Crazy, and Definitely: 11:09 YOU SUPER LIKED ELVIRA ON U Your cleavage game is top notch Today 8:58 AM Thanks Victoria secret's bra do Yeah they really lift and shape them nicely, I'm pretty sure my hands could do better though And I'm pretty sure i don't want your hands anywhere near my Jeez is this a hookup app or a way to talk to my grandma You think everyone one here wants to hook up? I think if you go to a mcdonalds and order a salad, if the salad sucks it's kinda your fault for ordering it I would take you to a much nicer place btw, thats just an analogy I'm sorry my hoe days are over That's okay, J actually happen to have a time anomaly in my bedroom What does that mean? English is not my first language? Don't worry it's not mine either ignore the second interrogation mark What's yours? Spanish Oh como estas? Lol I honestly can't type spanish for shit but I speak it very well What's your first language? It's French My last girlfriend was french I have prior experience And what did you learn from her ? How to spend 20,000 on someone and have nothing to show for it LMFAO Oh Lord I bet she had a nice pair of titties Definitely, that's why I had to swipe right, you're exactly my type Not exactly. I'm not here for I'm sure there's somewhere between hookups and marriage we can settle on @ I think that's called relationship - Ok deal, you're my girlfriend now Today 9:53 AM Definitely not how it works Now I am both confused and hurt I don't know what you want and l have a headache sounds like a girlfriend Today 1:59 PM You're crazy lol Today 7:02 PM A little bit. CanI get your number still? sent Today 822 PM 240 Type a message GIF I have a girlfriend now
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Af, Ass, and Back to Back: Oh hello there Drsmashlove Shout to u pretty young ladies that's gon show up to brunch in a hoodie with the hood up, I fucks with y'all. That hood up tells me everything I need to know. Don't tell me the story - I know it already. (1) It was either your birthday or your best friend's birthday or it was nobody birthday but your name is Kirsten (girls named Kirsten go hard every weekend, and most weekdays. There's no explanation for this. It's just factual. If your name is Kirsten u will go absolutely hard AF on a Tuesday for no reason. Not even Fat Tuesday. Just like, next Tuesday. But I digress.). (2) The night started with shots when some frat boys offered to buy u and your squad a round and it snowballed from there. (3) Tables were danced on. (4) Undergarments were removed and u briefly paused because you're on your period, so it stands to reason that panties should be worn for the rest of the night, but u flung them anyway. (5) Karaoke was sung; likely six (6) Rihanna songs back to back. (6) Oral sex occurred in the back of a UBER. (6) Half of the shenanigans were documented on a well-edited snap story. To all u girls in hoodies with the hood up, still marinating in a mix of perspiration and sex fluids from last night, I salute y'all. U made it to brunch. The Angel of Death literally carried u to the restaurant so u could have your egg white omelette and wheat toast. Rest assured baby girl if I see u and your squad, u exactly the girl imma talk to. Your friend Emily who showered and applied make-up? She got nothing I want. That's too much preparation. Too put together. Imma come directly to u, get your number, date u, and then propose to u, so when we at the rehearsal dinner at Girl and the Goat, Emily can be all "SMASH MET KIRSTEN WHEN WE WERE AT BRUNCH AT SNAGGLETOOTH ON SOUTHPORT. KIRSTEN WAS A LITERAL MESS LOL - LIKE I CAN'T EVEN SAY WHAT HAPPENED THE NIGHT BEFORE - BUT LET'S JUST SAY SHE WAS IN ROUGH SHAPE LOLOL." Exactly, Emily. Go head. Embarrass TF out of Kirsten. All that crazy she did before me just make me love her crazy ass more ๐Ÿ˜. She led a crazy life but she mines now...Till the Angel of Death โšฐ๏ธ (or divorce court ๐Ÿ’ฐ) do us part. Bless up! ๐Ÿ†—๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚
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