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Journey, Memes, and Best: William and Ellen Craft escaped enslavement in 1848. Ellen's light complexion allowed her to dress as a white man. She then claimed William was her slave. They traveled first class all the way. theblaquelioness Most runaway slaves fled to freedom in the dead of night, often pursued by barking bloodhounds. A few fugitives, such as Henry “Box” Brown who mailed himself north in a wooden crate, devised clever ruses or stowed away on ships and wagons. One of the most ingenious escapes was that of a married couple from Georgia, Ellen and William Craft, who traveled in first-class trains, dined with a steamboat captain and stayed in the best hotels during their escape to Philadelphia and freedom in 1848. Ellen, a quadroon with very fair skin, disguised herself as a young white cotton planter traveling with his slave (William). It was William who came up with the scheme to hide in plain sight, but ultimately it was Ellen who convincingly masked her race, her gender and her social status during their four-day trip. Despite the luxury accommodations, the journey was fraught with narrow escapes and heart-in-the-mouth moments that could have led to their discovery and capture. Courage, quick thinking, luck and “our Heavenly Father,” sustained them, the Crafts said in Running a Thousand Miles for Freedom, the book they wrote in 1860 chronicling the escape. - smithsonianmag.com theblaquelioness

Most runaway slaves fled to freedom in the dead of night, often pursued by barking bloodhounds. A few fugitives, such as Henry “Box” Brown w...

Amazon, Complex, and Jeff Bezos: Dazed Jeff Bezos Realizes He Spent Entire Conversation Thinking About How To Automate Person Talking To Him theonion: SEATTLE—Suddenly snapping back to attention, a dazed Jeff Bezos reportedly realized Thursday that he had spent an entire conversation thinking about how to automate the person talking to him. “Sorry, could you repeat that? I just lost focus for a second [as I indifferently watched you open and close your mouth, becoming increasingly aware of the fact that a simple machine could do the exact same things as you],” Bezos said to the Amazon vice president in front of him, even as he resumed brainstorming a complex algorithm that would streamline the executive’s duties, perform them with greater speed and efficiency, and possibly even capture some of his unique human qualities to make it user-friendly. “Whoops, there I go again. I must’ve spaced out [after realizing I could probably render you completely irrelevant within just a few years]. I guess I’m really distracted today [by the tantalizing thought of an automaton executing every one of your relevant functions for no salary with never a single complaint].” Bezos, who suddenly recalled a series of vivid dreams from the previous night in which he automated the entire American workforce, went on to apologize for not getting much sleep.

theonion: SEATTLE—Suddenly snapping back to attention, a dazed Jeff Bezos reportedly realized Thursday that he had spent an entire conversa...

Being Alone, Animals, and Dogs: HOW TO SWEAR AROUND THE WORLD VAFFANCULO CASSE-TOI! YUMAGO! BY JASON SACHER ILLUSTRATIONS BY TOBY TRIUMPH Perha human being, there happily copulates with animals in her and mean-spirited picture uld truly be reserved for moments of extreme anger. take kindly to the mental images that the phrases e the most obvious globally sho We as a species do not t below conjure. As you can imagine, insulting animal of choice to p have fun throwing a few more culturally specific ani consider the bears in Bulgaria, and reindeer (of c dogs ar air with a mother, but certain cultures imals in there BULGARIAN Mayka ti duha na mechki v gorata Your performs o performs oral sex upon bears in the forest." DUTCH Zoon van een hoerige kameel! Son of a camel whore!" With this insult, it's unclear whether one is saying the mother in question was a camel that was also a prostitute or a prostitute wh serviced camels. FINNISH Äitisi nai poroja! Your mother copulates with reindeer!" AOTIAN Ma see mea mung! Your mother enjoys keeping intimate company with dogs!" HOW TO SWEAR AROUND THE WORLD THE MOTHERLOD Fuck off uzendayo うぜーんだよ。 Motherfucker. kisama 貴様。 Asshole teme てめぇー。 Leave me the fuck alone. shitsukėndayo しつけ-んだよ。 I hate you. daikirai 大嫌い。 Ded na What did you just say!?! nandatö なんだと !?! Get out of my way. doke どけ。 Go to hell. shine 死ね。 Eat shit. kusokurae くそくらえ。 Shut the fuck up. ussendayo うっせ-んだよ。 What the fuck? ahoka アホか?! You're worthless. tsukaenė yatsu dana つかえねーやつだな。 eacefu ng. Just ent. My uS with a de. novelty-gift-ideas: How to Swear Around the World

novelty-gift-ideas: How to Swear Around the World

Ass, Bitch, and Fucking: dick-rider-dave-strider: strangelyobsessedwithstuff: vialsofbrightforgettingpowders: ALRIGHT MOTHERFUCKERS, TIME FOR SOME LEARNIN SO SIT OUR BITCH ASS DOWN AND GET OUT OUR NOTEPAD THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE IS SUGAR SCRUB. YEAH I KNOW YOUVE SEEN IT BEFORE BUT YOU DONT KNOW WHAT I KNOW AND THAT WHEN YOU USE IT WITH ONE OF THESE FUCKERS YOU WILL GET LEGS AND ARMS AND ANY OTHER SHIT YOU WANT THAT IS SO SOFT YOU WILL BE SHOVING IT IN THE FACE OF EVERYONE YOU KNOW AND ASKING THEM TO COMPARE IT TO THE TENDER PINK FLESH OF A NEWBORN SO GET YOURSELF SOME FUCKING WHITE SUGAR AND SOME CHEAP ASS OIL LIKE CANOLA OR SOME SHIT AND MIX THAT SHIT WITH TWO PARTS SUGAR AND ONE PART OIL( THAT MEANS TWICE AS MUCH SUGAR AS OIL BITCHES I USUALLY USE ONE CUP OF SUGAR AND DO SOME FUCKING MATH TO FIGURE OUT HOW MUCH OIL THAT IS) DROP A FEW DROPS OF VANILLA ESSENCE OR MAYBE SOME FUCKING LAVENDER OIL WHATEVER YOU WANNA SMELL LIKE. MIX IT UP REALLY GOOD MMMM SMELLS LIKE CAKE BATTER FUCK YEAH. NOW GET YOURSELF GOOD AND NAKED. REAL NAKED. PAMPER YOUR GODDESS-LIKE ASS WITH A BUBBLE BATH. TAKE ONE OF THOSE RAZORS YOU GOT AND SHAVE WHATEVER YOU LIKE TO SHAVE LEGS ARMS VAJAYJAY PITS I DONT FUCKING CARE. NOW GET OUT OF THAT GROSS HAIRY DIRT WATER AND SIT ON THE EDGE OF THAT THERE BATHTUB. TAKE A HANDFUL OF THAT SWEET GOOP AND RUB IT ALL OVER THAT SKIN OF YOURS(just dont use this stuff on or near your lady bits i put this in lower case because it is really important your love cavern does not like sugar uh uh no way its diabetic) RUB RUB RUB KEEP RUBBIN YEAH YOUR HANDS STARTING TO FEEL WEIRD GOOD BECAUSE ITS WORKING NOW TAKE THAT CHEAP-ASS DISPOSABLE RAZOR YOU HAVE AND SHAVE OFF THAT NASTY-ASS DEAD SKIN EWW ITS SO GROSS NO ITS NOT ITS YOUR OWN SKIN BUT ITS ALL GREY. RINSE OF THAT OILY STUFF BECAUSE YOUR SKIN AINT NO SLIP-N-SLIDE GOOD NOW FEEL YOUR NEWFOUND SOFT SKIN THAT WAS ONCE BURIED UNDER LAYERS OF DEAD FLAKES OF YOUR PAST SELF YOUR WELCOME MOTHERFUCKERS CLASS DISMISSED IVE BEEN LOOKING FOR THIS POST FOR AGESthanks for the tip karkat reference

dick-rider-dave-strider: strangelyobsessedwithstuff: vialsofbrightforgettingpowders: ALRIGHT MOTHERFUCKERS, TIME FOR SOME LEARNIN SO SIT ...

Food, Frozen, and Trap: The COMPLETE WORST-CASE SCENARIO Survival Handbook Includes HOW TO TREAT A TONGUE STUCK TO A POLE lWarm the pole with your hands. Atongue will stick when the surface of the pole is very when the tongue touches the pole, causing bonding. Place your gloved hands on the area of the pole closest to the tongue. Hold them there for several minutes cold. The top few layers of the tongue will freeze 1 Do not panic. 2 Do not pull the tongue from the pole 3 Move closer to the pole. Pulling sharply will be very painful. As the pole warms, the frozen area around the tongue should begin to thaw. Gently pull the tongue away from the pole. You may leave a layer or two of skin on the pole, which will be painful, but the tongue will quickly heal. | İlke z test pull. Get as close as possible without letting more of the tongue's surface area touch the pole. Alternative Method 0 se warm water Pour water from a water bottle over the tongue and the pole. Do not use water that is cold, or it may freeze and exacerbate the problem. Be Aware Do not try to loosen your tongue with your own saliva: Although saliva is relatively warm, the small amount you will be able to generate is likely to freeze on your tongue.. If another person is present, have him or her pour warm (not hot) water over your tongue. This may be difficult to articulate while your tongue is stuck-pantomiming a glass of water poured over your tongue should do the trick Warm the pole wih yr ui wti your ton How To THWART AN AFFECTIONATE COSTUMED MAScoT er all ood/ medi 1S tial restau tuate fave hark an- e to nc- to How rO ESCAPE FROM A GIANT OCTOPUS 1 Pull away quickly In many cases, a human can escape from the grasp of small- to medium-sized octopus by just swimming away. Propel yourself forward to create a pulling pres- sure on the octopus's arms. If you cannot get away, or if you feel yourself being pulled back, continue to the next step. 2 Do not go limp. Octopi are naturally curious and, if strong enough, will check to see if you are a food item before letting you go. Do not act passively, or you may be bitten or quickly enveloped by the octopus's web, a flexible sheath used to trap prey. Once you are caught in a "web-over," escape will be extremely difficult. However, octopi tire easily, so continue to put pres- sure on the arms by attempting to swim away. The octopus may decide to let you go rather than bring ou in for a closer look. 3 Prevent the octopus's arms from wrapping around your arms. The COMPLETE WORST-CASE SCENARIO Survival Handbook Includes Searchable CD With All 11 Handbooks plus wallpapers, and more By Joshua Piven and David Borgenicht novelty-gift-ideas: Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook

novelty-gift-ideas: Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook

Ass, Bad, and College: Anonymous 12/01/18(Sat)06:19:39 No.49597417 parents spent most of childhood fighting dad was alwavs pissed >has a shitty fucking sense of humour ("haha I'm gonna beat you if you dont this and this") vividly remember getting slapped hard as fuck while we were taking a walk and I decided to skip was maybe 6 years old >broke my toys >mother never did anything says she's always there for me and the only one who actually acknowledged that their long ass divorce could possibly be a really shitty experience for me lies and manipulates people cheated on my dad when I was 9 took the money I got for birthdays and didn't give it back >dad's gf is actually kinda alright >she relays every thing i say to my dad or grandparents though tells me I'm indecent and rude when I curl up on a chair while at grandma's house extremely concerned about how other's view her typical woman.jpg have a family they all hate me because of my mum the only family member I truly love and would miss if they were gone is my aunt whom I see 1-2 a year just wanna get a well-paying and fulfilling job and move far away from all of the bullshit Anonymous 12/01/18(Sat)05:50:32 No.49597109 2/3 got accepted to good college >mom immediately thought that I would go on a drug/drink/sex bender and get into trouble >demand I install tracking software for the smart phone she gave me "how can I trust you after all you did to me in high school?!" largely "encouraged" to choose a particular engineering major extended family, particularly mom's side, made very clear to me the consequences for changing majors, that it would be held over my head for the rest of my life (they did it to cousin) >went there felt freedom for the first time in my life did not drug/drink/sex bender or get into trouble still maintained good grades throughout (dropped only 1 class, A's and B's in a very competitive program while taking a minor and premed courses) develop some of my own non-academic interests and hobbies which family grudgingly accepted (though still to this day try to pressure me to sell it all o stupidest thing I did was ask out high school oneitis, who proceeded to use my crime against me as a cheap way to gain connections for the rest of the 4 years nearly dropped out of major over that only thing that stopped me was seeing that it would take 5 years to graduate, and that it would be impossible to explain to family heartbreak is temporary, family is forever amirite? >powered through major despite slowly dying every day surrounded by people who hated me with no way out >family never knevw constant pressure destroyed me slowly: I'm surel have an undiagnosed anxiety disorder graduated get rejected by every medical program in the country >by this time mom cut connections with family who had always been treating her like shit thought things would get better, at least at home Anonymous 12/01/18(Sat)06:03:04 No.49597258 3/3 forced to take job at shithole startup witnessed and experienced unbelievable shit: racism, sexism, and just plain cruelty from rich degenerates playing company >mom never believed me when I explained thought I was exagerating, and would gaslight me even in middle of conversation >to this day I still hear "it's not that bad" when l make the mistake of talking about what happened over there I have since changed jobs and am still working on my ultimate goal, but I'm more of a wreck than l ever was. Thanks to being berated by my parents for being ungrateful, and constantly having to jump through a million hoops to try to win some love I'm extremely emotionally needy, especially towards women I percieve as mothering figures. It's to the point where I'm pushing away a formerly close friend and mentor who had been extremely kind to me The worst thing is that through all this, my mom (and probably nearly everyone else) is going to say it's all my fault for not being "strong" or independent" enough. For example a few weeks ago I was stupid enough to tell my mom how I hated how her relatives coerced me so hard into staying in my major, even when my heart and brain were both begging to be allowed to run, when they probably couldn't even tell me what my degree was in, and this made me too scared to leave since l feared a trickle down punishment from her. She told me l "stayed in there for myself" and it was all on me since "it's not [herl style" to directly confront others (although I have witnessed this several times). I have to keep pretending everything is alright though it is getting harder every day. There's nobody I can talk to about this: after all, who would believe me? Anon has a bad childhood

Anon has a bad childhood

Beautiful, Beer, and Craigslist: NEEDED: Generic Father Figure for Backyard BBQ (Spokane) 6 fflehoneubee.com To interested individuals, We will be throwing a backyard BBQ on June 17th to celebrate beer and each other. We range in age from 21-26, and while most of us know how to operate a grill, none of us are prepared to fill the role of "BBQ Dad" That being said, we are in need of a generic father figure from 4PM to about 8PM (though you may stay the full duration of the party). Duties include: Grilling hamburgers and hotdogs (whilst drinking beer Bringing your own grill (though this is subject to change. We will provide all of the meat) Refer to all attendees as "Big Guy', "Chief", "Sport" "Champ" etc. (whilst drinking beer) Talk about dad things, like lawnmowers, building your own deck, Jimmy Buffet, etc. Funny anecdotes are highly encouraged. All whilst drinking beer. Desired experience: A minimum of 18 vears experience as a father A minimum of 10 years grilling experience An appreciation of a nice, cold beer on a hot summer We can't pay you in money, BUT we can give you all the food and cold beer vour heart desires. Grill for a few hours, then sit back and crack open a few cold ones with the boys. THIS IS A REAL AD. Do not hesitate to call if you are interested. Preference will be given to applicants named Bill, Randy, or Dave captainrogerss: asexual-not-asexual-detective: drunp: this is peak Craigslist Beautiful and wholesome Omg it really did happen tho 😭👏 https://www.distractify.com/humor/2018/06/05/ZnAVyw/craigslist-bbq-dad-ad

captainrogerss: asexual-not-asexual-detective: drunp: this is peak Craigslist Beautiful and wholesome Omg it really did happen tho 😭👏...