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America, Ass, and England: tumblr Follow priscellie later-homenuggets my friend left her window open in her bedroom and came back to find this look at his self-satisfied little face, the cheeky shit motherfucking australia amour-vengeance if there was a post to describe australia, this is it wait you mean to tell me this isn't even a pet bird? that in australia, you have wild birds that just fhy from house to house with the express purpose of fucking shit up? fucking HELL australia, what is wrong with you? lumoslouis wake up australia That's what birds do They fly around and fuck shit up Do you have some kind of mysterious nice birds in your weird foreign country Do birds in America and England fly into your house and make the bed and tidy up the living room a little bit kennilworthy-thisp It's cold here, so they just bounce off the windows and lie there and twitch spasmodically while you look for the shovel. happyvegetable Basically hurling themselves at windows is the worst thing birds do yeah man a kookaburra literally flew into a classroom at my high school and just sat his smug ass down on top of the desk for a good 20 minutes millshouse why has nobody mentioned the fact that in australia there are 3-4 months a year where everybody just accepts that they're going to get attacked by magpies. It is literally called "swooping season" and these birds will fly down to peck your fucking face, and people get their eyes ripped out and shit, it's fucking brutal. sociopathic-italian-grandmas My teacher had to go to hospital and have surgery because of swooping season. It was in the parking lot of school and all the kids would do a mad dash towards the car as the magpies tried to kill us. gallifrey-feels no but when you're 12 years old and riding your bike like mad on the way home from school with an icecream bucket on your head with like branches and shit sticking out if it to scare them off and none of this is considered strange ecnamor-lacimehc-ym what the actual fuck australia priscellie I am pretty sure all of these Australia stories are a massive, globally-spanning trolling effort, and only the people who have visited the country are allowed to be in on the joke seananmcguire Nope Went there Parrots tried to take our car Came home IN A FUCKING HURRY 587,061 notes Now thats just fowl play
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Dad, Hungry, and Scholar: dragonpuppies Elizabethan Peasant 1: Look yonder! Someone has writ upon that ceiling that thou art most easily gulled! Elizabethan Peasant 2: More fool they, for I cannot read Elizabethan Peasant 1: sighing, lowers his visage unto his palm* amityravenclawelf Elizabethan Peasant 1: Lo, hast thou learned to read? Elizabethan Peasant 2: Verily, and to compose as well Elizabethan Peasant 1: With haste, then, how is the word "i cup" composed? hi-def-doritos Elizabethan Peasant 1: what ho, I know a sporting jest! What art thou when thou art a peasant and art occupied in a privy? Elizabethan Peasant 2: I wist not, but certain am I that thou shalt tell me speedily. Elizabethan Peasant 1: Most verily, thou art a peon. little-niggah-sugar Elizabethan Child: Father, I have not yet broken fast and am filled with pangs of hunger Elizabethan Father: Hail, Filled With Pangs Of Hunger! Mine own name is Wybert marzipanandminutiae Elizabethan Scholar 1: Alack, I have in my purse but sixty-nine pence Elizabethan Scholar 2: Lusty fellow, knowst thou well what such a sum portends! Elizabethan Scholar 1 .I have not sufficient to sup on fowl ur-friendly-local-memer Elizabethan Scholar 1: Mine name is verily Micheal with a 'b', and I hast been afraid of insects mine entire Elizabethan Scholar 2: Cease cease cease. Wither is the bee? Elizabethan Scholar 1: Thither is a bee? vampyrewhore Mine outspoke companion: how many Appels art havested from a tree? Me: I know not, may it be twice a score? My companion: Nay fool, every Appel grows upona harvest sprig! Me: Frederich, upon the heavens I will strike thee down, for thy scalding wit is naught to my mighty brawn Source: dragonpuppies 86,585 notes Hi hungry, Im Dad
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Alive, Animals, and Apparently: Motherhood denied Breaking the mother-calf bond is fundamental to all forms of dairy farming. <p><a href="http://the-mighty-birdy.tumblr.com/post/165694169733/i-am-your-northern-star-dear-tumb1r" class="tumblr_blog">the-mighty-birdy</a>:</p><blockquote> <p><a href="https://i-am-your-northern-star.tumblr.com/post/165693494927/dear-tumb1r-krakenpocalypse-crimsonclad" class="tumblr_blog">i-am-your-northern-star</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a href="http://dear-tumb1r.tumblr.com/post/165688769552/krakenpocalypse-crimsonclad-kedreeva" class="tumblr_blog">dear-tumb1r</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a href="http://krakenpocalypse.tumblr.com/post/165684582701/crimsonclad-kedreeva-palpablenotion" class="tumblr_blog">krakenpocalypse</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a href="http://crimsonclad.tumblr.com/post/165654725553/kedreeva-palpablenotion" class="tumblr_blog">crimsonclad</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a href="http://kedreeva.tumblr.com/post/165653905615/palpablenotion-speedforcesensitive" class="tumblr_blog">kedreeva</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a href="https://palpablenotion.tumblr.com/post/165166115235/speedforcesensitive-satanstruemistress" class="tumblr_blog">palpablenotion</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a href="http://speedforcesensitive.tumblr.com/post/165165767368/satanstruemistress-vinato71-dustypumpkin" class="tumblr_blog">speedforcesensitive</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a href="http://satanstruemistress.tumblr.com/post/165022766332/vinato71-dustypumpkin-rossmallo" class="tumblr_blog">satanstruemistress</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a href="https://vinato71.tumblr.com/post/161293956968/dustypumpkin-rossmallo-thehornedwitch" class="tumblr_blog">vinato71</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a href="http://dustypumpkin.tumblr.com/post/160300743192/rossmallo-thehornedwitch" class="tumblr_blog">dustypumpkin</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a href="https://rossmallo.tumblr.com/post/160299092775/thehornedwitch-thesocialjusticecourier" class="tumblr_blog">rossmallo</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a href="http://thehornedwitch.tumblr.com/post/160275346862/thesocialjusticecourier-thehornedwitch" class="tumblr_blog">thehornedwitch</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a href="http://thesocialjusticecourier.tumblr.com/post/160263273220/thehornedwitch-somejane-namesnotfred" class="tumblr_blog">thesocialjusticecourier</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a href="http://thehornedwitch.tumblr.com/post/159933662002/somejane-namesnotfred-gimmeacoldbeer" class="tumblr_blog">thehornedwitch</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a class="tumblr_blog" href="http://somejane.tumblr.com/post/109645584967">somejane</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a class="tumblr_blog" href="http://namesnotfred.tumblr.com/post/109005051111">namesnotfred</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a class="tumblr_blog" href="http://gimmeacoldbeer.tumblr.com/post/72414064607">gimmeacoldbeer</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a class="tumblr_blog" href="http://kijikun.tumblr.com/post/72255066968">kijikun</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a class="tumblr_blog" href="http://striderwolf.tumblr.com/post/71894869320">striderwolf</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a class="tumblr_blog" href="http://crazyqueerclassicist.tumblr.com/post/71587090064">crazyqueerclassicist</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a class="tumblr_blog" href="http://north-american-weesnaw.tumblr.com/post/71571039829">north-american-weesnaw</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a class="tumblr_blog" href="http://friso1990.tumblr.com/post/71570538840">friso1990</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a class="tumblr_blog" href="http://catsteaks.tumblr.com/post/71409852369">catsteaks</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a class="tumblr_blog" href="http://gorreality.tumblr.com/post/70881833496">gorreality</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p>“I can’t be vegan, I love cheese”</p> <p>Dairy industry is as evil as meat. No less harm for animals. Does it look natural that calf can’t drink milk so you can taste your piece of cheese? </p> <p>GO VEGAN. </p> </blockquote> <p><i><b>WRONG</b></i></p> <p>That calf is wearing a nose tag. Nose tags are put on calves so that they are able to stay with their mothers longer, but are unable to nurse. They don’t NEED to nurse as they get older, they just get greedier and pushier and will bash up the cow’s udder and bruise it with their noses.</p> <p>This nose-tag is so that calves can stay with their mothers, their mothers can remain pain-free and healthy, and nobody is stressed.</p> <p>Educate yourselves you ignorant fucking tarts.</p> </blockquote> <p>…really? You don’t think it might have anything to do with the milk being stolen for human consumption? At all? Not even a tiny bit?</p> </blockquote> <p>Militant vegans can fuck right off</p> </blockquote> <p>Based on fur texture and face shape, that calf is at least six months old, probably older.  Calves can survive without actual cow milk even at three months, though older is better (calves weaned that early are usually fed a sort of formula for another couple months).</p> <p>Also, nose tags like that one don’t go through the cow’s septum.  They basically work like those fake septum rings for humans.</p> <p>In addition to weaning the calves, another use for nose tags is protecting non-lactating cows.  Sometimes weanlings or even adult cows will suck on themselves or other non-lactating cows; this can cause internal teat scarring bad enough to prevent that teat or teats from ever working.  I’ve seen this happen, and it’s ugly, probably at least somewhat painful, and, if bad enough, would lead to the cow being slaughtered at a very young age because she can’t produce milk, has chronic mastitis, and/or can’t be milked with automatic milking equipment.  So,<b> nose tags actually prevent animal cruelty</b>.</p> <p>Also, calves will suck on anything remotely oblong (and attempt to eat literally anything), even if they are being adequately fed or overfed.  Often they will suck on other calves’ ears, and, since ears are longer than teats and cows have upper as well as lower teeth in the back of their mouths, many calves get bites on their ears, which often become severely infected.  I’m not sure if nose tags would work there, because physics—a non-toxic but bad-tasting ear paint would be better—but yeah, letting a calf put anything it wants in its mouth is not always a good idea.</p> </blockquote> <p>reblogging for educational purposes.</p> </blockquote> <p>reblogging for people being schooled</p> </blockquote> <p>This was the funniest argument about false cruelty I have read.. Thank you. </p> </blockquote> <p>I love this for 2 reasons: Most people don’t realize that in farming areas agriculture/horticulture/animal husbandry is part of public school education from as early on as 7th grade. (Though I remember dissecting cow eyes in 4th grade science sooo) I assure you fifteen year old farm kids know more about what constitutes animal cruelty in farms than thirty year old vegans with, or without an agenda. </p> <p>Also that if you really want good quality beef/pork/eggs/milk/etc you don’t abuse your animals. Ever. That’s not the point and if you want to make any kind of money off your career choice, you are going to treat those creatures better than you treat yourself. You’ll call a vet five times for an infection in your herd before you visit the hospital for a missing foot on your own leg. </p> <p>So. Yeah. Watch out, because we’re getting internet access these days. We’re on tumblr too. </p> </blockquote> <p><figure class="" data-orig-height="160" data-orig-width="300" data-orig-src="https://78.media.tumblr.com/ce70686fa4ad69e81e9c6bcd29fa12ff/tumblr_inline_nj0zcyv0go1r1k5tf.gif"><img src="https://78.media.tumblr.com/ce70686fa4ad69e81e9c6bcd29fa12ff/tumblr_inline_owsrk62QTZ1rw09tq_540.gif" data-orig-height="160" data-orig-width="300" data-orig-src="https://78.media.tumblr.com/ce70686fa4ad69e81e9c6bcd29fa12ff/tumblr_inline_nj0zcyv0go1r1k5tf.gif"/></figure></p> <p>P.S. The immigrant workers farming your supermarket produce have no health care or legal protection, and the Bolivians farming your 365 Organic Quinoa can’t afford to eat it. But PLEASE won’t someone think of the poor baby cows who won’t get off the tit?!</p> </blockquote> <p>Also this is a LOT nicer than what mother cows do to calves that won’t be weaned. You know what mother cows do to calves that won’t wean? kick them in the head. Now I don’t know about vegans, but I’d rather have a nose tag that discouraged me from injuring my mother (because calves that don’t wean tend to chew on udders and make mother cows bleed) rather than being kicked in the head.<br/>Source: I grew up on a fucking cattle ranch. I have seen chickens skeletonize a mouse I KNOW SHIT.</p> </blockquote> <h2>“I have seen chickens skeletonize a mouse I KNOW SHIT.”</h2> <figure class="tmblr-full" data-orig-height="300" data-orig-width="230" data-tumblr-attribution="vegemaryam-blog-blog:dHMFQoiSWHRFiB-ADut1Hg:Z5ZE3yG4v53k" data-orig-src="https://78.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lz2rnxs2001qewskmo1_250.gif"><img src="https://78.media.tumblr.com/058afa51d891f3ae78ad77a706d4294e/tumblr_inline_owsrk7X9bI1rw09tq_540.gif" data-orig-height="300" data-orig-width="230" data-orig-src="https://78.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lz2rnxs2001qewskmo1_250.gif"/></figure><p>I’m sorry, what? What??? WHAT??? you can’t just leave it there please explain <a class="tumblelog" href="https://tmblr.co/mE-H1ppiBm7u2G5sYjEGAxg">@thehornedwitch</a><br/></p> </blockquote> <p>Happy to explain!<br/>See, chickens are omnivorous. They eat bugs, plants, and meatstuffs. Y'know how crows and ravens and things eat meat? Well, chickens too. Ours had a particular fondness for ham when someone accidentally put it into the bucket of good scraps we set aside for the chickens. A bucket we tried to keep as meat-free as possible, because few things are more terrifying than a chicken looking you in the eyes as it scarfs down ham.<br/>Anyway, back to the mouse.<br/>One day i was doing Chicken Chores, like gathering eggs, putting out grain, emptying the bucket of greens, etc, when a mouse runs across the pen.<br/>All at once, eight or so chickens stop dead, look at it, and SWARM.<br/>Now I’m six at this point in time and developing a healthy fear of chickens, and so do nothing.<br/>By the time the chickens are done, all that is left of the mouse is its bones. I left the chicken pen very, very quickly.<br/>Chickens crave meat. They were dinosaurs. They did not forget that they were dinosaurs.<br/>They will also cannibalize each other with reckless abandon. Sometimes we just had to remove one chicken to its own private pen away from the others because no matter what we did, that specific one always tried to eat the other chickens. We had one that really liked other chicken’s eyes. Bear in mind, our pens ensured each chicken had about five to six square feet all its own if you managed to space every chicken out evenly, we never locked them in teensy pen things, and fed them LOTS. These chickens just really, really wanted to maim.<br/>Chickens that are not Buff Orpingtons are the devil. Buff Orpingtons are sweethearts. If you must have chickens, have that kind. And never get Guineas. Guineas are SATAN INCARNATE. THEY SMELL FEAR.</p> </blockquote> <p>Holy shit, I dont think I’ll ever use chicken as an insult again. </p> </blockquote> <p>Holy Shit, same here that is terrifying</p> </blockquote> <p>Will I’m using it as a compliment</p> </blockquote> <p>I love farm animals.</p> </blockquote> <p>“Chickens crave meat. They were dinosaurs. They did not forget that they were dinosaurs.”<br/></p> <p>If you’ve ever looked a chicken in the eye you know that they don’t just remember; they’re patiently awaiting the day they become dinosaurs again. </p> </blockquote> <p><a class="tumblelog" href="https://tmblr.co/mbqnkKs3SqeMl1_0xhazmyQ">@kedreeva</a></p> </blockquote> <p>I have reblogged this before because watching farmers school vegans is always hilarious, but now we’re into birds, specifically fowl, and I have got <i>stories</i>.</p> <p> I had to give my turkey an antibiotic injection once upon a time, and she turned the needle puncture into a six inch by three inch hole in her back overnight as she attempted to <i>eat herself</i> because apparently turkeys find themselves to be delicious. She had to spend 3 months duct taped into a tea towel (the bandages underneath cleaned and replaced daily, mind you) until it healed because she would not stop ripping the bandages off to continue consuming herself. <br/></p> <p>Your chickens strip a mouse to the bone? Mine draw and quarter them and run around with the parts shrieking. My peacocks grab mice, beat them to death on the ground with this insanely fast back and forth head twisting motion, and then swallow them whole. You would not think an entire adult mouse would fit in their face, and you would be wrong.</p> <p>I knew a guy that used to regularly post photos of the 5-6′ long Copperhead snakes his peafowl would destroy. And I don’t mean kill, I mean <i>destroy</i>. These venomous snakes would get into the pens and the peas would just peck them into oblivion like nbd.</p> <p>Fowl didn’t just used to be dinosaurs. <i>They are still dinosaurs</i>.</p> <p>Thankfully they are small dinosaurs</p> <p>and we can just tape them into tea towels if we have to</p> <figure class="tmblr-full" data-orig-height="446" data-orig-width="500" data-orig-src="https://78.media.tumblr.com/352a8867c23dad97f44a9011fac8fbb1/tumblr_nb6qmiuoCV1rc4grco1_500.jpg"><img src="https://78.media.tumblr.com/acee3cfaed48d9fef00fcee900d458d3/tumblr_inline_owsrk7C8Bg1rw09tq_540.jpg" data-orig-height="446" data-orig-width="500" data-orig-src="https://78.media.tumblr.com/352a8867c23dad97f44a9011fac8fbb1/tumblr_nb6qmiuoCV1rc4grco1_500.jpg"/></figure></blockquote> <p>BEGGING for a Jurassic Park reboot where farmers run the place instead of brogrammer scientists, and the raptors frequently get scolded and taped into tea towels</p> </blockquote> <p>Now I feel less guilty about eating chicken. It’s just pre-emptive self defense.</p> </blockquote> <p>Its also preemptive self defense to eat pigs because they will knock you over and eat you alive </p> </blockquote> <p>I had a friend in New Zealand who has some chickens (and one turkey named Pablo) on her land. One day she looked out her window to discover that Pablo had killed one of the hens, and kept returning to mutilate the body. There were chicken parts everywhere. He would drag what was left of the hen around the yard like he was proud of his work. They ended up getting rid of Pablo. </p> </blockquote> <p>WHAT THE FUCK I THOUGHT CHICKENS WERE SWEET LITTLE FLUFFS WHAT IS THIS SHIT</p> </blockquote> <p>Oh no, Birdy. Chickens are kind of evil. My dad still has a scar on his hand from being pecked by a chicken when he was six.</p>
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Comfortable, Confused, and Cum: Guy: *takes her to hammer town for 45 seconds Did you cum babe? Hello to the new followers, my name is Jimmy Von Trapp and I am a Men's Rights Activist. Make yourself comfortable, I serve tea and Twix on a Thursday so look out for that. As a yute, I was taught by the older dons to treat your woman like a jewel on the roads, and like fowl that needs tenderising and seasoning in the bedroom. Nobody taught me about this "lovemaking" shit. All slow and looking deep in eyes and all that. I grew up with John Witherspoon showing me about "BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG". Getting older I learnt though, one part was thanks to a woman that was older than me, she was like Yoda explaining how I should use the force. Another part was the "erotic" section on Pornhub. Bare soft music and foreplay was giving young Jim extra-curricular qualifications fi dem. With all that said though, as Imam @abubanter4 taught me, "a man cannot be judged on round one." Do you women know how much of an amazing thing it is for a man to buss his gun after a matter of minutes? Pumpum so sweet you have to tell her "don't touch me". Narns so good you gotta fuck up the pillow. Soon-soon so spectacular, you go sleep, wake up, and get confused on where you are. Through all this confusion, we still have the common decency to ask "did you cum", and you with your stern face wanna be angry at the world. "Get off me please." Now you wanna go in the bathroom and laugh at your phone. "Babe I was looking at this meme on @rowlito87's page." Yeah? Say wallah? So why is your WhatsApp open in your "Zante 2017 Hoez 🍹🥂 💋💄💅🏼🍑" and the last message is Melissa saying "I told you looooool"? Dirty harlots of Mordor, we have feelings too you know. Now I gotta pick my balled-up boxers and get dressed in silence like some thot. We need to stop this brothers, tag a friend so they can tag a friend and spread awareness. Let's heal the world, one premature ejaculator at a time.
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