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this is canon now: ceasarslegion Reporter in the Marvel unviverse: Anthony Stark, well-known as a generous philanthropist, the CEO of Stark Industries, and his alter-ego "Iron Man," under fire today after a controversial video he posted to his personal Vine account went viral. The short footage showed Stark in the passenger seat of a car, driving by an anti-homosexual rally, repeatedly shouting "I love sucking [expletive for male genitalia]" out of the open window. purgatoryandme A+ Concept, I love it, I'm dying, it's too good. It becomes the hottest new meme throughout the US. Every single time there's some homophobic rally, Hell, every time there's a rally held by homophobes whether or not the rally was ABOUT homophobia there's now teens doing drive-by's being like "Ahem, this one is for Tony Stark ILOVE SUCKING [expletive for male genitalia]". The meme keeps escalating as people find newer and funnier ways to bleep out what they are saying in real time and on Vine. The most popular way? The sound of a repulser charging up The whole thing drives homophobes crazy. They hate it so much, it literally has some people trying to create their own counter meme ("I love sucking UP TO JESUS") that goes very very badly (exactly how you'd expect). So, out of options, they try to sue Tony. Everybody should know better than to sue Tony. His lawyers tear them apart. There's an unholy grin on Tony's face during the entire publicized case - he's in a rainbow suit. He's in rainbow shades. He's wearing a harness over his suit and his shoes literally leave glitter footprints everywhere he goes. His tie says "I love sucking [REPULSER NOISE]. Twitter goes nuts. A still of Tony from the trial, one where he is sarcastically blowing pink glitter into the face of a woman trying to hit him with a picket sign, becomes a reaction image nobody can resist. You wanna represent how tired you are of homophobic comments? That's your image. It's usually coupled by one of Rhodey in the background, military dress uniform smeared in glitter and a blatant glittery kiss mark pressed to his cheek, staring at the ceiling and praying for death this is canon now

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zsl-edge-of-existence: Kea are known for being utterly fearless around humans. This can be both a blessing and a curse; on the one hand, many tourists fall in love with the kea’s comical antics.  On the other, this fearlessness combined with the parrot’s natural curiosity has led them to cause significant damage to property.  Kea have been known to rifle through clothes, open backpacks, strip windshield wipers and rubber sealant from cars.  They are also unrepentant thieves, flying away with anything that catches their fancy.  One kea flew through the open window of a camper van, making away with a bag containing $900 of a tourist’s money.  And a Scottish tourist got the shock of his life when a kea flew off with his passport!  The tourist in question stated: “My passport is somewhere out there in Fiordland. The kea’s probably using it for fraudulent claims or something. I’ll never look at a kea in the same way.”: zsl-edge-of-existence: Kea are known for being utterly fearless around humans. This can be both a blessing and a curse; on the one hand, many tourists fall in love with the kea’s comical antics.  On the other, this fearlessness combined with the parrot’s natural curiosity has led them to cause significant damage to property.  Kea have been known to rifle through clothes, open backpacks, strip windshield wipers and rubber sealant from cars.  They are also unrepentant thieves, flying away with anything that catches their fancy.  One kea flew through the open window of a camper van, making away with a bag containing $900 of a tourist’s money.  And a Scottish tourist got the shock of his life when a kea flew off with his passport!  The tourist in question stated: “My passport is somewhere out there in Fiordland. The kea’s probably using it for fraudulent claims or something. I’ll never look at a kea in the same way.”

zsl-edge-of-existence: Kea are known for being utterly fearless around humans. This can be both a blessing and a curse; on the one hand,...

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The neighbors are doing the weed.: teaboot I swear to God I'm going to kill my pothead stoner asshole neighbors. This apartment has no fucking air circulation and it's hot as Lucifer's tits in here so I open window and it's fucking 25/7around-the-clock goddamned fucking CLOUDS of fucking weed coming up the side of the building, fucking hotboxes by proxy two stories up. Holy fuck. Holy fuck. Like I could not physically give less of a steaming shit that they're smoking pot, I don't care, I don't give a FUUUUCK, but it's a beautiful 3 in the afternoon or pouring rain at 1 AM and ITS PRECIPITATING WEED SWEAT IN MY LIVIBG ROOM I swear to God they're just chucking it by the kilo onto the barbecue at this point. They've got to be hosting a fucking White Trash Bob Marley revival tour on their fucking balcony and broadcasting it live to Hoboken They're doing a goddamned kush marathon fundraiser to raise awareness for discontinued Doritos flavours I can hear them coughing smoke. FROM MY BATHROOM Every so often I hear a loud ass *wheeeeze*, and I pray to the Lord that one of them has finally Gone Home To Jesus There is no reason in the entire known universe for three people to consume this much fucking devil lettuce per day. They should be dead. They're going to be the first known death caused by a marijuana overdose I cannot overstate how bad it smells When I open my window, I'm immediately astral-projected into the body of a 43 year old blonde woman with dreadlocks named Amethystglow Phoenixfire. She has an OM tattoo on top of her left foot and sells decorative gourds online. Her "spirit animal" is a tiger. She has a rescue dog and feeds it on a strict vegan diet. She doesn't believe in soap An hour later I emerge from my vision wearing a triple X size mumu, one burkinstock, and a Lulu lemon headband. I didn't own a bongo before, but I do now teaboot I promised my mama I wouldn't grow up to be a violet person but Its past midnight on a Thursday and I'm about to go downstairs and strangle these shit spewing smog muppets with my own two bare hands teaboot I have to get up at 6 AM for work tomorrow morning and I'm going to have to walk past a crime scene that looks like three oily sheepdogs were beaten to death by Oscar the grouch and I'm going to have to pretend I have no idea what happened teaboot I'm so fucking high right now teaboot HOLY FUCK THIS IS STILL MY LIFE BUT ON THE BRIGHT SIDE THEIR COUGHS ARE NOW A LONG, WHISTLING WHEEZE SO MAYBE GOD IS HERE TO INTERVENE Source: teaboot The neighbors are doing the weed.
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Story caption is continued in comments • MR CAHILL SUBMITTED BY LAWILDE - When Kirk and I made shivs in metals class and joked about using them to shank Mr. Cahill, I just assumed we were joking. I wasn’t even into metals class, but once we started dating he took an art class with me so I took a metals class with him. It was actually kind of fun and I was the only girl so I got a lot of attention. We made the shivs as one of our projects and the teacher told us it wasn’t funny. We faked like we threw them away, but we kept them as souvenirs and would joke about who we would stab - jailhouse style. We both hated Mr. Cahill. He taught calculus and it wasn’t that he was a bad person, he was just boring as hell. He had skin that looked gray and wore short sleeve shirts, bland ties, and brown slacks every day. If you looked up plain in the dictionary, you would see a picture of him. It was a few weeks later when Kirk and I went to see a movie on a Friday night that everything went shit-pot sideways. We were driving home, talking about the movie when he turned onto a road I didn’t recognize. A few minutes later we were sitting outside Mr. Cahill’s house. The only light that was on was in the living room. I was scared but followed Kirk to the window where we looked in and saw him sitting on the couch watching TV, dressed in the same clothes he wore at school. Things moved fast from there. We retrieved the shivs from the trunk of the car and crawled through an open window. I was certain we were just going to scare Mr. Cahill. At the edge of the living room, Kirk whispered, "Watch this," then screamed and ran across the room towards him. Mr. Cahill moved with the grace of a tiger as he sent Kirk flying into the wall. Mr. Cahill's hands suddenly went black, dark as night. There was a glint of steel at his fingertips. His razor blade fingernails slit Kirk from groin to neck. When Mr. Cahill turned to me, he smiled, his teeth now metal, and clearly very sharp. His eyes were red and he just looked at me and laughed. I ran. Ran like hell. I was able to escape and call the police. When they arrived they found Mr. Cahill watching TV with no signs of Kirk anywhere. (Cont below): @creepy.enemies Although it sounds disgusting and almost inhuman, body farms are a thing and they re becoming an increasingly important tool for forensic scientists. These patches of land have dozens of bodies scattered over them so that scientists can study how bodies decay... Sounds delightful, doesn't it? Story caption is continued in comments • MR CAHILL SUBMITTED BY LAWILDE - When Kirk and I made shivs in metals class and joked about using them to shank Mr. Cahill, I just assumed we were joking. I wasn’t even into metals class, but once we started dating he took an art class with me so I took a metals class with him. It was actually kind of fun and I was the only girl so I got a lot of attention. We made the shivs as one of our projects and the teacher told us it wasn’t funny. We faked like we threw them away, but we kept them as souvenirs and would joke about who we would stab - jailhouse style. We both hated Mr. Cahill. He taught calculus and it wasn’t that he was a bad person, he was just boring as hell. He had skin that looked gray and wore short sleeve shirts, bland ties, and brown slacks every day. If you looked up plain in the dictionary, you would see a picture of him. It was a few weeks later when Kirk and I went to see a movie on a Friday night that everything went shit-pot sideways. We were driving home, talking about the movie when he turned onto a road I didn’t recognize. A few minutes later we were sitting outside Mr. Cahill’s house. The only light that was on was in the living room. I was scared but followed Kirk to the window where we looked in and saw him sitting on the couch watching TV, dressed in the same clothes he wore at school. Things moved fast from there. We retrieved the shivs from the trunk of the car and crawled through an open window. I was certain we were just going to scare Mr. Cahill. At the edge of the living room, Kirk whispered, "Watch this," then screamed and ran across the room towards him. Mr. Cahill moved with the grace of a tiger as he sent Kirk flying into the wall. Mr. Cahill's hands suddenly went black, dark as night. There was a glint of steel at his fingertips. His razor blade fingernails slit Kirk from groin to neck. When Mr. Cahill turned to me, he smiled, his teeth now metal, and clearly very sharp. His eyes were red and he just looked at me and laughed. I ran. Ran like hell. I was able to escape and call the police. When they arrived they found Mr. Cahill watching TV with no signs of Kirk anywhere. (Cont below)
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I know its a long read but consider: CRUCIFIX NAIL NIPPLES: hadanelith I'll never not be amused by the fact that I can drop the words "crucifix nail nipples" into a conversation and some of you who have been with me since the livejournal days will join me in the flashbacks, screaming and crying all the way I require context. Because this is a very interesting start of a story, and now I need the rest of it. Could I get a link, or a summary, or something? Pretty please? All right buckle the fuck up kids, it's the year 2012 and I've just been handed what should be an easy editing gig by my senior editor. It's a vampire erotica story because one of the final Twilight movies is about to come out, and everything is vampires. Everything. I haven't edited a single thing in months which isn't about vampires. I am ready, I can do this. So l open the file and notice there's a typo in the title, which really should have been my first inkling that something horrendous was about to go down, but you see I'm not quite dead inside yet so I carry on, bushy tailed and bright eyed with my faith in humanity intact. It'll be dead by page 24, but I don't know that yet. I'm just editing one more vampire boner fest The MC is a girl who we'll call Sue. Sue is a Good GirlT, Sue is Not Like Other Girls TM, she is pale and awkward and a virgin and has somehow managed to find herself a Bad BoyTM for a boyfriend. We'll call him Dickhead Now Dickhead as previously stated is a bit of dick, he tries to pressure Sue into sex because he knows she is The One™ but he loves her really so it's okay. Except it's not okay because Sue is a Good Girl™ and holding out till marriage which he's fine with except he's got such a bad case of blue balls that one night walking home an attractive stranger lures him into an alley with the words hey stud" and he follows, dick out before she's even finished her sentence. Well turns out that was a mistake for Dickhead because she's a vampire, but not just any vampire, a Dick Biting Vampire. So what started out as a skeevy blow job behind a club that he'll feel bad about in the morning, turns into him being bitten on the dick and drained of his life essence and left for dead. Except DBV fucked up and now he's a vampire. Are you still with me? Good, cause it's about to get weirder Realizing he is now an abomination, Dickhead flees, becoming a creature of the night and feeding on animals rather than humans to repent for being such an asshole in life. Sue meanwhile is heartbroken, but carries on valiantly with her life and goes to bed each night crying for the loss of her One True LoveM who she would do anything to bring back. Well guess what Sue, Dickhead never really left youl He's been 'instinctively protecting her from rapists by hiding out on her roof and fighting hobos who try to get to her open window via the fire escape for months now. Because that's not fucking terrifying at all. Upon learning of his predicament and how it happened, Sue can do nothing but blame herself. Oh if only she'd let him touch her secret places, then perhaps all of this could be avoidedl Meanwhile Dickhead is having another dilemma of his own, realizing too late that his vampire powers have given him super senses and now he can smell her blood and he can't decide whether he wants to get with her or eat her. And I don't mean in the French sense. But he is strong! And over comes his base manly vampire instincts and neither rapes not kills her. Hurrah! And this is so romantic that Sue gives it up, but not before she launches into a theory about how in all fairy tales, True Love saves the day, so maybe her magical pure vagina that has never been touched by anyone not even her, can bring him back to life. So Dickhead being a dickhead agrees and rips her clothes off, but not before he takes one last moment to marvel at the beauty of her purity, because he will never again look on her again and know she is Pure If you've only vomited once by now, I applaud your resolve. So they hop on the good foot and do the nasty, except she is literally so pure in spirit, her flesh burns his. And I quote you from memory because these words are burned into my soul: "her breasts bit into his hands, like crucifix nail nipples tearing at his flesh, but he did not care because he loved her so and couldn't stop" This phrase haunts me. I dread that it will be the last thing I think about on my death bed and my last words will literally be "god fucking dammit" as I die, carrying that mental image with me into the afterlife. My own solace is in knowing that l inflicted it on other people too, like @ahzuri who is somehow still with me after all these years When the magic al burning sex fails to heal him and leaves her bruised, battered and broken with a dainty blue bells of bruises around her secret flower" (I am genuinely quoting this, I could never make something as horrendous as this up without being on acid) Dickhead leaves. Yeah. Off he fucks, leaving her to the mercy of the hobos at her window, and into the night to be the true monster he really is. But wait, there's more. Remember the dick biting vampire? Well turns out she has figured out she made him into a vampire and has also been stalking HIM and is totally jealous of Sue, so tries to kill her. But again Sues Purity saves her, because sex before marriage which was done out of True Love is not a sin, so she is still a spiritual virgin and I'll be honest, I started drinking heavily at this point and its all a bit of a blur A fight ensues some pages later after Dickhead returns, realizing the mistake he has made. And he rescues Sue from the Dick Biter, but not before he assaults Dick Biter, and calls her a slut for luring innocent men into alleys cuts her heart out by cutting her breasts off, at which point i screamed THAT'S NOT HOW YOU REACH THE HEART and my brain short circuited completely and I have no idea how it ends because I realized there was 30 pages left and my soul couldn't take it. I emailed the chief editor like ?????lIlll and the book was immediately pulled from the work line and the author dismissed from the publishing house. Turns out she was a friend of a friend and that was how she got the manuscript past our entry levels for requirement And that's the story of how an author sent me death threats for over a month because I stopped her shitty vampire porn from ever seeing the light of day. You're all fucking WELCOME Sorry to bring this searing back into your lives fam, but I feel it's worth noting that people are tagging this as an"ancient relic" of tumblr text posts and how they're so happy they see this every year and like guys, I hate to tell you this, but uh, this post is only six months old. I posted in on March 3rd 2016. It only seems like years because every time you see it you age five years thebibliosphere #crucifix nail nipples rides immortal #10ng post #nstw 182,818 notes Aug 6th, 2016 I know its a long read but consider: CRUCIFIX NAIL NIPPLES
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Worse than Twilightomg-humor.tumblr.com: thebibli adanel words "crucifix nail nipples" into a conversation and some of you who have been with me since the livejournal days WI ill ioin me in the flashbacks, screaming and crying all wa l require context. Because this is a very interesting start of a story, and now I need the rest of it. Could I get a link, or a summary, or something? Pretty please? All right buckle the fuck up kids, it's the year 2012 and I've just been handed what should be an easy editing gig by my senior editor It's a vampire erotica story because one of the final Twilight movies is about to come is vampires Everything. I haven't edited a single thing in months which isn't about vampires. I am ready, I can do this. So I open the file and notice there's a typo in the title, which really should have been my first inkling that something horrendous was about to go down, but you see l'm not quite dead inside yet so l carry on, bushy tailed and bright eyed with my faith in humanity intact. It'll be dead by page 24, but I don't know that yet. I'm just editing one more The MC is a girl who we'll call Sue. Sue is a Good GlM, Sue is has somehow managed to find herself a Bad BoyT for a boyfriend Not Like Other Girls™, she is pale and awkward and a virgin and Now Dickhead as previously stated is a bit of dick, he tries to pressure Sue into sex because he knows she is The One but he loves her really so it's okay. Except it's not okay because Sue is a Good GirlTM and holding out till marriage which he's fine with except he's got such a bad case of blue balls that one night walking home an attractive stranger lures him into an alley with the words "hey stud" and he follows, dick out before she's even finished her sentence. Well turns out that was a mistake for Dickhead because she's a vampire, but not just any vampire, a Dick Biting Vampire So what started out as a skeevy blow job behind a club that he'll feel bad about in the morning, turns in dick and drained of his life essence and left for dead. Except DBV fucked up and now he's a vampire. Are you still with me? Good, cause it's about to get weirder g bitten on the Realizing he is now an abomination, Dickhead flees, becoming a creature of the night and feeding on animals rather than humans to repent for being such an asshole in life. Sue meanwhile is heartbroken, but carries on valiantly with her life and goes to bed each night crying for the loss of her One True Love who she would do anything to bring back. Well guess what Sue, Dickhead never really left you! He's been "instinctively protecting her from rapists" by hiding out on her roof and fighting hobos who try to get to her open window via the fire escape for months now. Because at's not fucking terrifying Upon learning of his predicament and how it happened, Sue can do nothing but blame herself. Oh if only she'd let him touch her secret places, then perhaps all of this could be avoided! Meanwhile Dickhead is having another dilemma of his own, realizing too late have given him super senses and now he can smell her blood and he can't decide whether he wants to get with her or eat her. And I don't mean in the French sense. But he is strong! And over comes his base manly vampire instincts and neither rapes not kills her. Hurrah! And this is so romantic that Sue gives it up, but not before she launches into a theory about how in all fairy tales, True Love saves the day, so maybe her magical pure vagina that has never been touched by anyone, not even her, can bring him back to life. So Dickhead being a dickhead agrees and rips her clothes off, but not before he takes one last moment to marvel at the beauty of her purity, because he will never again look on ure If you've only vomited once by now, I applaud your resolve So they hop on the good foot and do the nasty, except she is literally so pure in spirit, her flesh burns his. And I quote you from memory because these words are burned into my soul: "her breasts bit into his hands, like crucifix nail nipples tearing at his flesh, but he did not care because he loved her so and couldn't stop This phrase haunts me. I dread that it will be the last thing I think about on my death bed and my last words will literally be "god fucking dammit" as I die, carrying that mental image with me into the afterlife. My own sol people too, like @ahzuri who is somehow still with me after all these years ace is in knowing t on When the magical burning sex fails to heal him and leaves her bruised, battered and broken with "a dainty blue bells of bruises around her secret flower" (I am genuinely quoting this, I could never make something as horrendous as this up without being on acid) Dickhead leaves. Yeah. Off he fucks, leaving her to the mercy of the hobos at her window, and into the night to be the true monster he really is. But wait, there's more. Remember the dick biting vampire? Well turns out she has figured out she made him into a vampire and has also been stalking HIM and is totally jealous of Sue, so tries to kill her. But again Sues Purity saves her, because sex before marriage which was done out of True Love is not a sin, so she is still a spiritual virgin and I'll be honest, I started drinking an A fight ensues some pages later after Dickhead returns, realizing the mistake he has made. And he rescues Sue from the Dick Biter but not before he assaults Dick Biter, and calls her a slut for luring innocent men into alleys cuts her heart out by cutting her breasts off, at which point i screamed THAT'S NOT HOW YOU REACH THE HEART and my brain short circuited completely and I have no idea how it ends because I realized there was 30 pages left and my soul couldn't take it. I emailed the chief editor like ?????!lll!????Il and the book was immediately pulled from the work line and the author dismissed from the publishing house Turns out she was a friend of a friend and that was how she got the manuscript past our entry levels for requirement And that's the story of how an author sent me death threats for over a month because l stopped her shitty vampire porn from ever seeing the light of day. You're all fucking WELCOME Worse than Twilightomg-humor.tumblr.com
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