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Girls, Love, and Smell: The water hears and understands. six CROWS of The ice does not forgive PART 1 SHADOW BUSINESS oost had two problems: the moon and his moustache. He was supposed to be making his rounds at the Hoede house, but for the last fifteen minutes, he'd been hovering around the south-east wall of the Eardens, trying to think of something clever and romantic to say to Anya If only Anya's eyes wete blue like the sea or green like lovely, an emerald. Instead, her e yes were brown dreamy melted chocolate brown! Rabbit fur brown! Just tell her she's got skin like moonlight," his friend Pieter had said. *Girls love that." A perfect solution, but the Ketterdam weather was not cooperating There'd been no breeze off the harbour that day, and a.grey milk fog had wreathed the city's canals and crooked alleys in damp. Even here among the mansions of the Geldstraat, the air hung thick with the smell of fish and bilge water, and smoke from the refineries on the citys outer islands had smeared the night sky in briny hate. The full moon looked less 1ike a jewel than a yellowy blister in need of lancing. Maybe he could compliment Anya's laugh! Except he'd never heard het laugh. He wasn't very good with jokes. Joost glanced at his reflection in one of the glass panels set into the double doors that led from the house to the side gatden. His mother was right. buffonia:               six of crows by leigh bardugo

buffonia:               six of crows by leigh bardugo

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Children, Club, and Creepy: At the end of the road is a big old mansion that could house several families, but it only has two inhabitants: Old, rich Mrs. Poppel and her butler Adam. Mrs. Poppel was never much of a smiler, but there doesn't seem to be a mean bone in her. If children kick a ball into her garden she doesn't make a fuzz, just nods at them and watch as they retrieve it. Most days people can see her embroide own little ring by the window, seemingly caught up in her She is peculiar, but never bothers anyone She's just an old lady who spends her days sowing and socializing at the local book club Tell your sister I hope she gets well soon. Adam is quite different. Always smiling and friendly. Always ready to help if he has the time. He's incredibly popular in town,F not to mention at the pub when he has a few hours off. He drinks, laughs and sings, and can even be talked into playing the guitar if asked enough times. Women love him too, but he just winks at them and jokes that he's committed to Mrs. Poppel. It's his own fault that people started spreading rumors that he was really Mrs s live-in lover who had been put to work around the house Typically Adam he just played along. "I don't kiss and tell" When some drunk lads saw him walk arm in arm with Mrs. Poppel down the street, no doubt to steady her, they teasingly shouted "Taking your sweetheart out fora stroll?!" while making kissing sounds been up to now?" l looked up at him like, "What have you They're an odd pair, but they seem happy together in the big house Pork? Again? I'm sorry, Mrs Im still waiting for a delivery Adam even does things not expected of a butler, like gardening while she rests in a sun chair, which has only added fuel to the rumors SU way, Adam d every once in a while something incredible happens; Mrs smiles. No one knows how Adam does it, but neither is it a surprise to anyone It l An Only one truly odd thing has ever happened to them One night a neighbor saw a man sneaking around the house testing the cellar windows. The bedroom. That's where old ladies keep all the good stuff She didn't see him get in, but suddenly he was gone so she grabbed the phone and called the police, just to be safe. What!? She's still home? That means her boy-toy has to be somewhere in the house too- Huh? Adam opened the door dressed in a robe when the police rang the doorbell. He woke up Mrs. Poppel and together they could confirm that the house hadn't been broken into. The officers couldn't find anything out of the ordinary, but gave Mrs Poppel a number to call if they saw anything The following day a man by the name Eric was reported missing. He had lived a rough life of petty crime and robbery, and sometimes didn't contact his friends or family for weeks so it was impossible to say when exactly he disappears. It could have been that same day, or two weeks prior People wondered if maybe he had been the man sneaking around outside Mrs. Poppel's house, but everyone agreed that it was probably just a coincidence. After all, people like him went missing all the time in the surrounding towns. And even if it was him, what did it matter? Mrs. Poppel and Adam were good eople who were loved by the whole town. There was no reason to cause trouble for them, no matter what their relationship was. Besides, Mrs. Poppel had one of her good weeks after that night, seeming a lot more cheerful and happy. It would be a shame to ruin it. thehumon: I’m not entirely sure if this story has a supernatural element to it or not. Are they just run of the mill cannibals or vampires/demons? Occultists? Maybe only Adam? So many possibilities. I also struggled a lot with Adam’s looks. I wanted him to look like an honest to god nice, charming guy who also looked super creepy in the right (wrong?) light. There was supposed to be a whole backstory about Mrs. Poppel’s husband and when Adam came into her life, but I decided to leave it out as it was already pretty text heavy.

thehumon: I’m not entirely sure if this story has a supernatural element to it or not. Are they just run of the mill cannibals or vampires/d...

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Africa, America, and Bitch: EMINEM 10.06.17 DETROIT, MI rodham: Eminem ethered Donald Trump and allll the racists at the Hip Hop Awards, y’all. This the calm before the storm right here Wait, how was I gonna start this off? I forgot Oh, yeah: That’s an awfully hot coffee pot. Should I drop it on Donald Trump? Probably not But that’s all I got ‘til I come up with a solid plot.Got a plan, and now I gotta hatch it.. Like a damn Apache with a tomahawk I'ma walk inside a mosque on Ramadan and say a prayer that every time Donald talks she gets a mop–ahh, I'ma stop. But we better give Obama props.. ‘Cause what we got in office now’s a kamikaze that’ll probably cause a nuclear holocaust.. And while the drama pops and he waits for shit to quiet down he’ll just gas his plane up and fly around til the bombing stops. Intensities heightened, tensions are rising.. Trump, when it comes to giving a shit, you’re stingy as I am. Except when it comes to having the balls to go against me, you hide 'em.. 'Cause you don’t got the fucking nuts like an empty asylum.Racism’s the only thing he’s fantastic for 'cause that’s how he gets his fucking rocks off and he’s orange.. Yeah, sick tan, that’s why he wants us to disband.. 'Cause he can not withstand the fact we’re not afraid of Trump.. Fuck walkin’ on egg shells, I came to stomp.. That’s why he keeps screamin’, “Drain the swamp” 'Cause he’s in quicksand.It’s like we take a step forwards, then backwards.. But this is his form of distraction.. Plus, he gets an enormous reaction when he attacks the NFL so we focus on that Instead of talking Puerto Rico or gun reform for Nevada.. All these horrible tragedies and he’s bored and would rather cause a Twitter storm with the Packers. Then says he wants to lower our taxes.. Then who’s gonna pay for his extravagant trips back and forth with his fam to his golf resorts and his mansions? Same shit that he tormented Hillary for and he slandered.. Then does it more. From his endorsement of Bannon. Support from the Klansmen. Tiki torches in hand for the soldier that’s black and comes home from Iraq and is still told to go back to Africa. Fork and a dagger in this racist 94-year-old grandpa who keeps ignoring our past historical, deplorable factors.Now, if you’re a black athlete You’re a spoiled little brat for tryna use your platform or your stature.. To try to give those a voice who don’t have one.. He says, “You’re spittin’ in the face of vets who fought for us, you bastards”.. Unless you’re a POW who’s tortured and battered.. 'Cause to him, you’re zeros.. 'Cause he don’t like his war heroes captured.. That’s not disrespecting the military.Fuck that, this is for Colin, ball up a fist.. And keep that shit balled like Donald the bitch. “He’s gonna get rid of all immigrants” “He’s gonna build that thing up taller than this” Well, if he does build it, I hope it’s rock solid with bricks. 'Cause like him in politics, I’m using all of his tricks. 'Cause I’m throwing that piece of shit against the wall 'til it sticks.And any fan of mine who’s a supporter of his I’m drawing, in the sand, a line. You’re either for or against. And if you can’t decide who you like more and you’re split.. On who you should stand beside I’ll do it for you with this: “Fuck you!” The rest of America stand up. We love our military, and we love our country. But we fucking hate Trump.
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Apparently, Bitch, and Children: An Incomplete List of Notable Peoplel Delivered Pizza To... tybaar It's coming up on a year now since I got my curent job as a pizza delivery girl, and I thought this would be a good time to delve into the lttle ever- expanding WTFPIZZA note I keep on my cell that helps me remember some of my more, uh -interesting deliveries So without further ado and in no particular order, here's some pizza customers who left a lasting impression on me thus far A bearded man who answered the door and periodically spat blood into a crusted Harley-Davidson coffee mug while counting out his cash. A woman who slipped me a business card (in ieu of tip) for a laser tatto0 removal clinic, explaining In case you want to bring your mutilated skin back to how God intended it to be. At least three Batmans so far, but only one who did the voice. - An elderly Spanish woman who meekly presented me with a (rather classy) pead-handled .32 snub nosed revolver and asked if I knew how to load it (I do) and also, #1 could load it for her (I didnt). -A group of EMTs hanging out in the back of an ambulance at a recently extinguished (but still smouldering) house fire. -A man with a thick Alabama accent who admonished me for standing in front of his mailbox while I waited for him to answer the door. He then explained how this was a federal offense because I was "obstructing the mal system and demanded my social security number so he could report me to the proper authorties A group of young teenage girls (like 14-16) who begged me to buy a case of Bud Light (ew why) and bring it back to them. - A hotel room full of badass middie-aged women all dressed as Professor McGonagall from the Hamy Potter films, who were also completely wasted on Jello shots. They kept encouraging me to stay and party with them. A 20-something dude who answered the door with an unsheathed katana dangling through a belt loop on his jeans. Multiple instances of people asking if# I would sell them pot. (bitch get your own dealer sheesh) A guy who slipped a twenty directly into my shirt because I apparently was the "spitting image" of his deceased daughter -A woman who admonished me for driving a Mazda, and wrote "get a real car in the tip portion of my credit receipt. A very drunk dude who gave me his iPhone and had me take a bunch of Myspace-esque pictures of the both of us. He did the duck lips thing in every shot Multiple prank deliveries joke's on you motherfucker, I get paid for the gas AND I eat the pizzas you ordered) - An elderty man who wrote FUCK OFF as his signature on a credit receipt - A thirty-something guy who begged to get his order for free because he works so hard. He visibly teared up and sniffled when I told him I couldnt do anything. A dudebro wearing a bath robe and socks+sandals (indoors) who straight up wordlessly yanked the pizzas out of my hands without paying and shut the door. Multiple knockings were of no avail -A woman who angrily demanded to see my ID because she refused to believe my claims that I'm female. She proceeded to snatch my drivers icense out of my hand, run back into her house and show it to her children while pointing back at me. A kid no older than 14 who desperately tried to convince me to play WoW on the free custom server he was playing on. (But it has double - A guy who spent the entire time I was there digging a (impressively large) booger out of his nose. He proceeded to smear it on, thankfully, HIS copy of the receipt. An on-duty cop who flagged me down by intercepting me on the road before I got to the police station and pulling me over to get his pizza. -A drill instructor looking-guy who filled out his entire credit card receipt, specifically wrote 0.00 in the tip portion, then proceeded to write out a check for seventy-eight cents and handed it to me. It said pizza tip" in the For section A furious lady who yelled at me for a solid five minutes (1 kept track) al about how long it took for her delivery to get to her. She then tipped me an extra ten bucks on a six dolar order. I dunno. - An incredibly stoned teenager trying and failing to look sober. When I complimented his Adventure Time wallet (which was super cute) and asked where he got it, he immediately looked temified, sat down on the floor and muttered 1... I don't know... - Obligatory naked man with unimpressive penis - A chick at a house party who answered the door and immediately tuned to vomit into her mailbox A surly Korean mom with an amazing shoulder tattoo of a baby giving birth to a fullgrown woman - A man who lived in one of those mini-mansions inside a gated community, who sported a seemingly massive collection of what appeared to be solid glass spheres of varying size and color. I only got a quick glance in his house but there had to be hundreds of them in display racks, tables, shelves- everywhere. - A group of 20-something guys who challenged me to sing the original Pokemon theme song, which I did. And perfectly, I may add. A completely iced-out musclebound gangster kid who was blaring Regina Spektor so loud and with so much bass I actually couldnt hear anything he was saying. An elderty guy who deadpan asked me if I knew anyone who could score him holowpoint bulets. - An adorable older lesbian couple who were mortified that they didnt have any extra money for a tip, so they gave me a big sack of pistachios nstead. It took me three weeks to finish the bag this was so worth reading Souroe: tybaar story time his is. 219,895 notes realy cool actualy Pizza for Strange People
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Disney, Disney World, and Funny: F U L L S C R E E N forgottenghosty: jamisings: slbtumblng: thehorrorsofgoodwill: That other Disney ride they wanted to make a franchise of. To be honest, the mausoleum scene was probably the last good zombie scene iv’e seen in decades, cause any decent movie that features living dead should show them coming from a graveyard, a coffin, etc… Also you can’t go wrong with Rick Baker. The Haunted Mansion is one where Disney needs to let go of it’s “family friendly” thing and just plain out go hard-R. Yes, the zombie scene was great, but when you’re on the ride you can tell most of the ghosts are people who died pretty horribly. That’s why there’s ghosts.  It’s time for Disney to just grow up. Funny enough, that’s why I call ‘Crimson Peak’ the Adult Haunted Mansion.It also feels like it’s a bit of a practice due to the fact Guillermo del Toro directed Crimson Peak and also was one of the screenplay writers. He created amazing backstories for the characters and being greatly part of the whole thing.He even had Haunted Mansion Wallpaper used in the movie.Not only that but he loves the ride and mythos of it. He’s been working on a reboot screenplay for Haunted Mansion at least since 2010 and is still doing so. I also hope he will be directing it once he has it finished. He’s been quoted saying: “The thing I want to do is remake it.” “The movie I see in my head of the Haunted Mansion is not, I believe, what everyone is imagining it to be. It’s not just a regular world with a haunted mansion plopped in the middle. I really am thinking of a movie that has a heightened reality.” “We are not making it a comedy. We are making it scary and fun at the same time, but scary will be scary.” He also has said that The Hatbox Ghost is the main haunt.He even contacted Walt Disney World Imagineer Jason Surrell as possible consult.Del Toro has said that he is aiming for a PG-13 though.In 2012 he had submitted a draft and got good feedback from Disney over it.Last year he even said he was still writing.Back in 2010 they released teaser images:I’m almost willing to bet Del Toro will use the same people he has for his films as well to play many of the ghosts and doing the make up.

forgottenghosty: jamisings: slbtumblng: thehorrorsofgoodwill: That other Disney ride they wanted to make a franchise of. To be honest, the...

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80s, Anaconda, and Apparently: APPROVED Y THE OMICS DE 3 MARCH 2017 FREE EVERY FRIDAY ED SHILERANIA SUPER EDS LAD2 ON EVERYTHING YOU WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT MUSICS BO WONDER! AFRAID TO ASK 50 THINGS YoU PROBABLY DIDNT KNOW ED SSHEERAN ABOUT フ、 CHARFSLATING SINGER-SONGHRITER WEMBLEYCONQUERING SOLO ARTIST AND BARBIE DOLL OWNER? AS ED SHEERAN RELEASES NEW ALBUM WE DG OUT A HALF CENTURY OF NUGGETS SURPRISING SUPERSTAR ART BY BUTCHER BILLY WORDS B HARK BEAUNONT HE NAMES HIS GUITARS They a Keith, Nigeland the one that does battle WITH THE STARS I had Van Momison take me for oyd HE TOOK THE SWEARING OFF 'X BECAUSE A CAB DRIVER TOLD HIM TO breakfast and tell me he loved me, he told Radio X. "And I've had Eric Clapton come to my house for dinner- I've gone to his house for dinner and he tells me that he likes my music. HE MISSED THE NORTHERN LIGHTS BECAUSE HE'D BOILED HIS FOOT We all know about the scar he X' originally had the odd expletive dotted about, explicit lyrics out after a taxi driver convinced me to do it for hia daughter," Sheeran revealed. when His dad John is an art historian, his mum managed to melt the skin off his foot when he lrmogen designs jewe llery and his brother Matthew 25th birthday. They were like, Don't walk over there!' Then I just slipped," he told the Vodafone Big Top40. l couldn't walk for a couple of months... It was disgusting when they put the skin graft on. The skin has to heal over it. It was bad. ED'S CAT HAS MORE TWITTER FOLLOWERS THAN YOU AND ALL YOUR FRIENDS PUT TOGETHER In 2014, Sheeran created a Twitter account for his kitten, Graham, whonotched up 71,000 followers almost ovemight by sitting on a guitar, demanding HIS MUSIC IS A PASSION-KILLER FOR HIS COUSIN milk and proudly telling the worild every time he She's not tbo keen, Sheeran told Shoboy radio. She gets brought back and wooed by guys, they put me on to set the mood and she goes: 1'm not shat the bed. Follow him &GrahamShizza HIS SECOND ALBUM Purrn outloud 9onna get off to my cousin. LEAKED AND NO ONE NOTICED DRUM 'N' BASS ICON GOLDIE IS HIS FINANCIAL ADVISOR unexpectedły, Sheeran feared he'd blown his big comeback. Exceptno one could tell they were his songs and the leak went by virtually unnoticed. As soon as stuff started to go well," Sheeran revealed, "Goldie rang me up and goes, 'don't bea HE PREVIEWED NEW ALBUMTO HALF HE ONCE RECEIVED A HAIR CAKE FROM A FAN OF WESTEROS Game Of Thrones lot were at," he told Radio1 They allendedup back at my house. I'd never met some of them before and said: Do you want never eat the edible gifts. As Sheeran found to his cost when he cut into a cake sent to him by a fan, onty to find it was full of hair. 15 HE HAS A PLAN TO ESCAPE wWiII CLAIMING THE IRCN THRONE HIMSELF about gaining New Zealand citizenship because, been trying toget Sheeran to make a cameo appearance, following in the footsteps of Coldplay drummer Will Champion and Snow Patrol's Gary Lightbody. But schedules were against him. "Every time they shoot I'm on tour," he told The Sun. be bothered to come that far to invade HE HE HAS COLOURS FOR ALL OF HIS SONGS he's said. "You Need Me, I Don't Need You BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH WOULDN'T DANCE IN HIS VIDEO The for HE'S A SECOND COUSIN OF GORDON BURNS, PRESENTE OF '80S GAME SHOW THE KRYPTON FACTOR I only found out when I played Manchester Apollo," he told the Guardian. "That 's when I met him. I'm second cousins with about 100 people Sing' but his US agent vetoeditas, according to Sheeran, It's not right for him right now. ELTON JOHN MADE HIM RELEASE 'SING Initially the uncharacteristically upbeat HE ALMOST CHANGED HIS NAME TO REDWARD R&B track, co-written with Pharrell Williams, wasn't going to be on 'x' at all, until Elton John He ment fresh start. His choice? "Redward. Edward with an office and told him: That's your first single." HE DOESN'T ANSWER HE'SA FRESH UNKNOWN NUMBER' PHONE CALLS PRINCE FANATIC It's because he received "quite a few death threats" when he first made waves in 2011 the rap from The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air into his songs onstage, it's just a hint of his obsession with Will Smith's '90s show- he's even had a tattoo in honour ot it. Although, that said, Sheeran has had HE'S ANTI- SMARTPHONE re. travelling the world to visit countries he'd toured but never seen very much of, he ditched his iPhone and never wanted to go back to it. lenjoy life without a phone - it's a lot less hassle, he said. HE SPENT A WEEK SLEEPING ON THE CIRCLE LINE HE ONCE GOT A BARBIE DOLL FOR HIS BIRTHDAY For a week during his much talked-about homeless years in London, Sheeran would finish gigs, stay up drinking into the early hours, wait until 5am for the tube to open and then get four hours It was a gift from his brother. He definitely didnt it. not. HE WAS BORN TO SOUNDTRACK THE HOBBIT BUCKINGHAM PALACE Well, in a stone archway outsice handily fitted with a heating vent. Three years latet he'd made it inside the palace, playing to When' Sheeranwas asked to write a song for Peter The Hobbit: The Desolation Of the Queen at her Diamond Jubilee party. HE OBSESSIVELY TRACKS HIS SALES grandfather's first edition of the novel was the PETER JACKSON STRAPPED HIM TO A PLANE Sheeran leaps online to check how the publicity has affected his sales. "It's just because I've never been good at anything betore, he told The Bg at s As soon as he got the call about The Hobbit fronm Jackson, Sheeran raced from a wedding in lbiza to Wellington, New Zealand, where the director keeps his collection of WWl airplanes. "He strapped me to the front of one of them and flew me around, Sheeran told Entertainment Tonight. academic award. This is the only thing in my life that I can win at. Unless Acele's about, obviously. HE WAS DISCOVERED BY JAMIE FOXX The first of Sheeran's numerous NANDO'S MADE A SAUCE FOR HIM big breaks came when he lanced a slot on Jamie Foxx's radio show in LA. He ended up hanging out in Foxx's Hollywood mansion as the major what's believed to be a mythical Nando's black card, allowing him free food from theirrestaurants whenever he likes, the peri-peri chicken chain went one furtherand created a special 'Ed's Peri-Peri HE COULD NAIL STRICTLY teachers on tour with him for thre weeks and spent five hours a day practising for the Thinking PIZZA EXPRESS MADE HIM A TRIBUTE PIZZA For his 26th birthday, Pizza Express 1.5 billion YouTube views. HE'S CONSIDERING MAKING, AN ACOUSTIC RECORD made from Calabrese ingredients. HIS VIDEO FOR 'THE A-TEAM' COST £20 th album titles, the next will have to be- which he's thought about making a stripped-back affair on ction HE'S TATTOO BROS WITH HARRY STYLES HE CAN FIT A LOT OF STUFF IN HIS MOUTH A video of a teenage Sheeran online Hard-nut Sheeran went for the full portrait while soft-boy S tyles just had the name done. Maltesers in his mouth before gagging. HARRY STYLES IS BLACKMAILING HIM HIS TEENAGE YEARS WERE TOUGH He has a video of a young eardrum, a squint, a stutter and a port-wine he's threatened to publish if Sheeran upsets him HE'S A GREAT DATE Heonce flew halfway around the world to spendan afternoon ROBBIE WILLIAMS WORRIES ABOUT HIM room for an agony uncle session. "He chatted to me for two hours, Sheeran told New Zealand's FVM radio station. "Really intense chatting, like, Are you OK? Are you doing any drugs? How's the stress level? How are relationships? HE WROTE A SONG AT A FUNERAL Afire Love' from 'x was dedicated to his Irish Catholic grandfather who suffered fromm Alzheimer's for 20 years before his death in 2013 Sheeran finished writing the song at his funeral. E'S BEEN IN TWO SITCOMS AND A SOAP They are: New Zealand comedy Shortland Street, US sitcom Undate able and HIS ACTING NEEDED SPECIAL HELP In the film Bridget Jones's Baby, actor Sarah Solemani wanted him to look more taken aback during their scene, so she surprised him by stripping off and dancing in her underwear HE HELPS PEOPLE HAVE SEX A cousin of mine went on a girls JORDAN FROM RIZZLE KICKS A ROLEX FOR HIS BIRTHDAY trip,"Sheeran's said. They were in a bar and a came up saying, Do you wanna come back on the radio - my name's to mine? Ive got a song Ed Sheeran.' Apparently it works for him. There's loads of ginger people who are having a lot of fun. I'm not hating on it - we're finally getting laid! HIS BODY IS HE MADE A FANTASTIC GINGERBREAD MAN AT HALLOWEEN OF HIS CAREER Almost all of Sheeran's many tattoos have some link to his career thus far. One inking marks his first single The A-Team', another his single Bloodstream'. He even has a Lego head tattoo as a nod to Lego House', but sadly no full-face portrait of Rupert Grint on his arse. Before he named his record label Gingerbread, Sheeran had dressed as the Gingerbread Man from Shrekon Halloween in 2013 HE'S WRITTEN A SONG ABOUT AN A-LIST LOVE TRIANGLE HE WAS GQ'S WORST DRESSED MAN IN 2013 I still wear skater hoodies, jeans Don't', from Sheeran's second studio albumx is alleged to be about him, Ellie Goulding and One Direction's Niall Horan. Ed himself told Fuse andskater shoes," he told the men's style mag. the song opened up a door that I probably shouldn't have opened up... I just won'tsay who it's about because... I mean everyone, everyone HE'S WORKING TO A 15-ALBUM MAXIMUM PROFIT PLAN The first five EPs, then the first album +, then 'x and now 밝 There'll be two more in this series of five albums and then five more after that, he's explained. "My benchmark for the second album was Coldplay. This album ], it's Springsteen. l do have numerical targets. I did 14 million of x' and I want to do 20 million of It's the best album I could have made so why not want to win? Why notwant to sell 20 million?" HE'S WRITTEN FOR EVERYONE AND THEIR DOG You'll be aware of his writing credits for One Direction and Taylor Swift, but Sheeran has also penned songs for The Weeknd, Jessie Ware, Rudimental, Usher, Justin Bieber, Major Lazer, Hillsry Duff, Robbie Williams, Ollty Murs. NME ginger-food-lover-ed: Ed Sheeran | NME March 2017 [÷]
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Confused, Food, and Lit: tsukidaisy some of the best customers l've had at Dollar General the woman who comes in every day and buys a single can of cat food. The brand she buys has the deal that if you buy 5 cans, you get them for $2. When I told her that she said "I don't need five at once. Terrence only needs one a day." The old man who came in and asked me "Why do you think McDonalds doesn't sell hotdogs?" When I told him I didn't know, he said "Well, I guess it would be hard to keep a straight face and order a McWeenie." e The teenage girl whose boyfriend held her foot up as she hopped around the store to get her things. Come to find out that she had lost her flip flop and didn't want to step on the floor with her bare foot. The elderly spanish man who comes in every day to get a pack of Marlboro Lights. His english isn't very good, so when I asked him if he wanted shorts or 100s, he looked at me confused. Realizing he didn't understand,I said "Pequeño?" His face lit up and nodded enthusiastically. Now every time he leaves, he smiles and says "Hasta mañana" and I say it back The other day when I was outside on a smoke break, he was riding on a bike and yelled "HASTA MANANAAAAAA" as he rode by . The old woman who came in and bought 24 air fresheners. I asked her if she was stocking up, and she told me about how she got a new boyfriend who lived in a mansion, and that she was putting one in each of the rooms. She then proceeded to tell me about how the mansion is haunted e The little kid who was probably around 4 or 5 who ripped open a pack of skittles. As me and the people in line watched the skittles scatter across the floor, he looked up and said. "It wasn't me." Source: tsukidaisy 10,328 notes Tales from Dollah Gen'ral

Tales from Dollah Gen'ral

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Apparently, Bitch, and Children: fez igotcthulhu An Incomplete List of Noteable People T 've Delivered Pizzas TO tybaar It's coming up on a year now since I got my current job as a pizza delivery gir, and I thought this would be a good time to delve into the little ever- expanding WTFPIZZZA" note I keep on my cell that helps me remember some of my more, uh-interesting deliveries So without further ado and in no particular order, here's some pizza customers who left a lasting impression on me thus far -A bearded man who answered the door and periodically spat blood into a crusted Harley-Davidson coffee mug while counting out his cash. - A woman who sipped me a business card (in lieu of tip) for a laser tattoro removal clinic, explaining In case you want to bring your mutilated skin back to how God intended it to be. - At least three Batmans so far, but only one who did the voice. -An elderly Spanish woman who meekly presented me with a (rather classy) pear-handled.32 snub nosed revolver and asked if I knew how to load it (1 do) and also, if I could load it for her (1 didn't). A group of EMT's hanging out in the back of an ambulance at a recenty extinguished (but still smouldering) house fire. -A man with a thick Alabama accent who admonished me for standing in front of his mailbox while I waited for him to answer the door. He then explained how this was a federal offense because I was "obstructing the mail system and demanded my social security number so he could report me to the proper authorities A group of young teenage gils (like 14-16) who begged me to buy a case of Bud Light (ew why) and bring it back to them. - A hotel room full of badass middle-aged women all dressed as Professor McGonagall from the Hamy Potter films, who were also completely wasted on Jello shots. They kept encouraging me to stay and party with them. A 20-something dude who answered the door with an unsheathed katana dangling through a belt loop on his jeans Multiple instances of people asking if I would sell them pot. (bitch get your own dealer sheesh) -A guy who slipped a twenty directly into my shirt because I apparently was the "spitting image" of his deceased daughter. A woman who admonished me for driving a Mazda, and wrote get a real car in the tip portion of my credit receipt. - A very drunk dude who gave me his iPhone and had me take a bunch of Myspace-esque pictures of the both of us. He did the duck lips thing in every shot Multiple prank deliveries (joke's on you motherfucker, I get paid for the gas AND I eat the pizzas you ordered) An elderly man who wrote FUCK OFF as his signature on a credit receipt -A thirty-something guy who begged to get his order for free because he works so hard". He visibly teared up and sniffled when I told him I couldn't do anything. - A dudebro wearing a bath robe and socks+ sandals (indoors) who straight up wordlessly yanked the pizzas out of my hands without paying and shut the door. Multiple knockings were of no avail A woman who angrily demanded to see my ID because she refused to believe my claims that I'm female. She proceeded to snatch my drivers icense out of my hand, run back into her house and show it to her children while pointing back at me. - A kid no older than 14 who desperately tried to convince me to play WoW on the free custom server he was playing on. (But it has double XPI) - A guy who spent the entire time I was there digging a (impressively large) booger out of his nose. He proceeded to smear it on, thankfully HIS copy of the receipt -An on-duty cop who flagged me down by intercepting me on the road before I got to the police station and puling me over to get his pizza. A drill instructor looking-guy who filled out his entire credit card receipt, specifically wrote 0.00" in the tip portion, then proceeded to write out a check for seventy-eight cents and handed it to me. It said pizza tip" in the For section - A furious lady who yelled at me for a solid five minutes (1 kept track) all about how long it took for her delivery to get to her. She then tipped me an extra ten bucks on a six dollar order. I dunno. An incredibly stoned teenager trying and failing to look sober. When I complimented his Adventure Time wallet (which was super cute) and asked where he got it, he immediately looked temified, sat down on the Obligatory naked man with unimpressive penis -A chick at a house party who answered the door and immediately tuned to vomit into her mailbox. -A surty Korean mom with an amazing shoulder tattoo of a baby giving birth to a full-grown woman. - A man who lived in one of those mini-mansions inside a gated community, who sported a seemingly massive collection of what appeared to be solid glass spheres of varying size and color. I only got a quick glance in his house but there had to be hundreds of them in display racks, tables, shelves-everywhere. -A group of 20-something guys who challenged me to sing the original Pokemon theme song, which I did. And perfectly, I may add. - A completely iced-out musclebound gangster kid who was blaring Regina Spektor so loud and with so much bass I actually couldnt hear anything he was saying. -An elderty guy who deadpan asked me if I knew anyone who could score him hollowpoint bullets. - An adorable older lesbian couple who were mortified that they didnt have any extra money for a tip, so they gave me a big sack of pistachios instead. It took me three weeks to finish the bag. this was so worth reading Source: tybaar #story time aths is.. 219,895 notes realy cool actualy That was a rollercoaster of emotionsomg-humor.tumblr.com
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Africa, Asian, and Chicago: BUT YOURE LIKE REALLY PRETTY.COM celebrates GIRLS O YEARS LATE CADYHERON, 20 COLLEGE: After graduating from North Shore High School Cady attended the University of Chicago. She graduated in 2009 with a degree in photo journalism. After graduating she joined the peace corps in order to travel back to Africa. While in Africa, Cady had a series of photographs published by National Geographic. The series followed Ladysmith Black Mambazo and the Underbelly Tribe. LOVE LIFE: Cady had a brief fling with Aaron Samuels in 2005 but quickly put an end to it. Cady was a Virgin until sophomore year of college. One drunken night she lost her V-card to an Australian she met in a dive bar in Chicago. She thinks his name was Brody. WHAT SHE'S UP TO TOD AY: Cady lives in Washington D.C. and works for National Geographic as a photo journalist. She joined Tinder last month and started messaging with Glen Coco. The two have gone on 2 dates in the last week and Cady is thinking about sleeping with him You go Glen Coco! BUT YOURE LIKE REALLY PRETTY.COM celebrates GIRLS O YEARS LATE REGINAGEORGE, 27 COLLEGE: University of Maryland on a full lacrosse scholarship. But on the first day of practice the goalie groped her tit and she called it quits. Regina couldn't have people thinking she was a lesbian. She didn't lose her scholarship though, as she threatened to sue the school for sexual assault and endangerment. Later that year, she joined the Delta Gamma sorority. The big sisters loved her so much they nominated her to be pledge master sophomore year. Regina was accepted to the LOVE LIFE: Omen every year since 2006. But says she is officially done with him ever since she flew out to L.A. in the fall of 2013 to track down John Stamos. Supposedly, she blew him in the bathroom at Bootsy Bellows. Regina has slept with Shane WHAT SHE'S UP TO TOD AY Regina graduated from the University of Maryland with a degree in Fashion Merchandising. She lives in Chicago and nas her own jewelry line called xoRegina. Tori Spelling was recently spotted wearing one of Regina':s signature choker necklaces. Her father bought her an apartment and a pair of tits as a graduation present in 2009 Last week, she had a call-back auditiorn for The Bachelor and is hoping she will be on the next season BUT YOURE LIKE REALLY PRETTY.COM celebrates GIRLS O YEARS LATE GRETCHENWEINERS, 27 COLLECE: Gretchen attended Brown University (her father's alma mater) Her parents bought her an apartment irn Providence the summer of 2005 to make her transition into college easier. By her sophomore year, Gretchen joined the Kappa Alpha Theta sorority and declared her major, political science. Gretchen technically failed out of Brown University 3 times but her family connections to the board allowed her to graduate in the summer of 2009 LOVE LIFE: Gretchen dumped her asian boyfriend right before leaving for Brown She wanted to have a slutty freshman year. Ms. Weiners says she had sex with about 21.5 guys and gave countless BJs. By sophomore year Gretchen had a gonohrrea scare and vowed to become a born again virgin. Irregardless, during Kappa Alpha Theta's annual spring costume party "Joggers and Rapists" Gretchen met (and boned) the man she is married to today, Stoole Stedborn WHAT SHE 'S UP TO TOD AY Gretchen convinced Stoole to move back to her hometown to become a partner at her father's corporation retchen and Stoole recently purchased The George's old house (they moved to Palm Beach). The couple plans on demolishing the entire mansion to build a private family compound as Gretchen describes it BUT YOURE LIKE REALLY PRETTY.COM celebrates GIRLS O YEARS LATE KARENSMITH, 1948-2013 COLLEGE: Karen was rejected from every college she applied to after receiving a 715 on her SATs. She attended Evansville Community College. She continued to do weather reports for the public access channel and became a sort of celebrity in town. Her fan base were mostly 35 year old men who still lived at home with their parents. KAREN SMITH 1988 2013 " Even though the gods are crazy. Even though the stars are blind. If you show me real love baby I'll show you mine" LOVE LIFE: Karen dumped her 1st cousin Seth Mosakowski and began dating his brother. WHAT SHE'S UP TO TOD AY: Sadly, Karen passed away in the summer of 2013. One night at a party after 8 RBVs (sugar-free red bull and vodkas) Karen was dared to stand on a roof for 2 minutes with a metal pole during aa severe thunderstorm. Karen was on the roof for 30 secs before being struck by a massive lightning bolt. Eyewitnesses say she was launched from the rooftop like a human missile. Everyone wore pink to the funeral. butyourelikereallypretty: But Mean Girls Like Really Came Out 10 Years Ago?!
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