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Very planned Parenthood: The Turkey Story So it's 2001, and my family drives from fu California and like three blizzards to get to Ohio for into a nursing home and it's their last holiday in that house. So its a bit bittersweet but ultimately a good thing. Since it's their last holiday there, the family pulls out all the stops when it comes to dinner, all the Russian desserts come out, as does the Lethal Bacon Mashed Potatoes and the horrible candied yams with the mini marshmallows dish because not all expressions of love are even if they are si In the spirit of going alout, Uncle Bobby smokes a Turkey Uncle Bobby started cooking as a boy foil-wrapped potatoes into a campfire and has been ad- dicted since, and now has a hand-made smokehouse in the backyard where he makes various cured meats and other delights. He seasons the turkey in the traditional manner, but he and grandpa have a shared passion for SO Game Hen seasoned that way, for them. Then Bobby has a Brilliant Idea. He realizes that he can stuff the turkey (once it has been smoked) with regular stuffing, and there is still plenty of room for him to put the game hen inside THAT, and stuff the game hen be- cuase why not? He confers with Mom, and she explains how to cut open the turkey so there's dramatic reveal as the stuffing and game hen come out. It's Genius. Except, of course, that my Aunt Sue is attending, Uncle Cliff s after her So the day of the dinner, tensions are running a bit high, between the marathon cooking, the kids al being trapped indoors due to aforementioned blizzards, and Uncle Cliff deciding that the best way to amuse himself is by hiding from the adults in the basement, getting drunk and rambling about how various ethic groups were destroying America. Being that I had close Muslim friends that were leaving the country becuase of 9/11, 1 was near tears from this nonsense and ready to n roughly five times my size. Sue, for some reason, keeps coming down and defending him, or telling us we're rotten children for 'attacking him, becuase she Must Stand By Her Man, even if her man is a hefty bag of dog feces with an ugly mustache My sister eventually boits upstairs to tattle and my grandfather limps down to the basement and brandishes his Hip Bone Cane, hands rock-steady in spite of the Parkinson's slowly taking over him. Firstly Cliff, It may not be my roof much longer but while you are under it you will be civil, or Ill beat your skull in. Also, dinner's ready, everyone go wash up. We go upstairs and sit down, and do the traditional "Name one thing you're thankful for as the bread gets passed around the table, and things calm down a bit. Bobby brings out the Turkey and everyone goes OOH becuase it's really pretty, them Mom carves it open so that the stuffing spills out dramatically along with the game hen and there's an appreciative gasp all around becuase it looks cool. Only Sue KEEPS gasping, in utter horror, before getting up and clasping her hands to her face ala Edvard Munch and shrieks OH MY GOD IT WAS PREGNANTI We all stare at Sue. We all look back at the fully-dressed-cooked-and-stuffed birds that in no way had any internal organs in them or ever gave live birth Then we all looked back at Sue, trying to figure out where to begin but since shed been trying to justify Cliffs behavior she was pretty much free-associating conspiracies and scandals now, and just kept going. IT WAS PREGNANT MY GOD WE'VE COMMITTED AN ABORTION WE'RE ALL GOING TO HELL FOR THIS, I'M SO SORRY JESUS She goes into full pearl-clutching gibbering horror at this point and falls back into her chair like it's a Victorian fainting couch only it's a shitty chair from the Eisenhower administration so it collapses and she slams into the floor, sobbing and kicking her feet like a toddler Everyone watched for a moment before my Mom sighs heavily and starts carving and serving the turkey while my grandmother mouths she's not coming back Cliff, reactions delayed by about six beers, finally notices his wife is on the floor and tries to pick her up, are assisted by Dad, who is saintly patient man and less immune to this jacknapery at that point. I am stuffing dinner rolls into my face to keep from laughing at this grand spectacle ICANT EAT IT, I REFUSE TO PARTAKE IN THIS BARBARISM Sue begins but Dad puts on his best Kindly Father voice (he was heavily involved with the catholic church and even considered becoming a priest before getting drafted but that's another story)and assures Sue that she need not eat, or even be in the room if she wants. She nods, placated by being the center of attention again, and Dad goes in for the kill. I wouldn't want you to go hungry. Can I make you some That would be lovely." Said Sue, joke flying over her ng 747. I recall watching my grandmot her nearly choke to death on the green beans over that, and everyone pointedly trying to avoid talking about anything poultry-related while Sue sat there and ate the most ironic scrambled eggs in the history of mankind. Shortly thereafter, Cliff threw up in the sink and they went home, and the party got underway properly, with Grandpa raising a toast to Mom and Uncle Bobby For t Turkey has been an staple since then. I'll see if I can hit Uncle Bobby up for instructions but if you decide to make it 1. you HAVE to shriek "OH MY GOD IT WAS PREGNANT when you carve it open, or it's not authentic and won't taste as good 2. Share the pictures with me, Very planned Parenthood
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Humans are wierd: arcticfoxbear Humans Are Weird So there has been a bit of what if humans were the weird ones?" going around tumbir at the moment and Earth Day got me thinking Earth is a wonky place, the axis tits, the orbit wobbles, and the ground spews molten rock for goodness sakes. What it what makes humans weird is just our capacity to survive? What if all the other life bearing planets are these mild, Mediterranean climates with no seasons, no tectonic plates, and no intense weather? what if several species (including humans) land on a world and the humans are all SCOREI Earth like worldl Lets get exploring before we get out competear And the planet starts offing the other aliens right and et, electrid storms, hypothermia, tornadoes and the humans are just there. counting seconds between riashes, having snowball fights, and just surviving To paraphrase one of my favorite bits of a humans are awesome fiction megapost you don't know you're from a Death World until you leave it" For a ton of reasons, I really like the idea of Earth being Space Australa crazy-pages Alen: "Tm sorry what did you just say your comfortable temperature range is? Human-H0ถesty we can tolerate anywhere from-40 to 50 Celcius but we prefer the 0 to 30 range AlienI'm sorry, did you just list temperatures below freezing? Human: "Yeah, but most of us prefer to throw on scarves or jackets at those temperatures it can be a bt nippy Other human Nah mate, I knew this guy in college who refused to wear anything past his knees and elbows until it was -20 at least. Human: Heh Alilen And did you also say 50 Celcius? As in, hair way to bolling?" Human: Eugh Yes it sucks, we sweat everywhere, and god helip you it you Yeah everybody knows someone like that touch a seatbelt buckle, but yes Aen We've got like 50 uninhabitable planets we think you might enjoy val tashoth Youre telling me that you have. settiements On islands with active volcanism? well yeah i'm not about to tell Iceland and Hawail how to live their lives Actually, it's kind of a tourist attraction What, the moften rock? Well yeahl It's not every day you see a mountain spew out iquid rocks! The best one is Yelowstone, though All these hot springs and geysers from the YOU ACTIVELY SEEK OUT ACTIVE SUPERVOLCANOES? Shit, man, we swim in the groundwater near them. Sounds like the "Damned trlogy by Alan Dean Foster the-grand author And you say the poles of your world would get as low as negative one hundred with wind chit? Yup, with blizzards you cant see through every other day just about Amazingl when did you manage to send drones that could survive such temperatures? well, actually what? ..what?" we sent no yeah I heard you I just- what? You sent.. HUMANS. to a place one hundred degrees below treezing? y-yeah and they didnt. die? Well the first few did PEOPLE DIED OF THE COLD AND YOUR SOLUTION WAS TO SEND MORE PEOPLE32212121 But surely you have records of volcanic activity doing tremendous damage to human settlements Yep. Pompeii is legendary. Entire cities went Towns buried under lava, peoples brains boiled in the first rush of heat, loads more kißed by falling ah, good, they learned their lesson and didn't build there again wel Are you serniously telling me this volcano is legendary for kiling several urban conurbations and you built on top of it AGAIN? In our defence it hasn't actually done it since What about earthquake-prone areas? Tell me you're at least vaguely sensibile about those Oh yeah After the first major earthquake that flattens a city, we budd them better 159.505 notes Humans are wierd
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