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Dicks, Fire, and Memes: TBT - SSG Corey Calkins Ladies and gentlemen, gather round the campfire as we light up your field day celebrations with a celebration of our own. That’s right, it’s time to throw this thing back to February 2010. A simpler time, a time before David Petraeus locked his knees at a senate hearing, and back when you could still tinkle on dead Taliban. omgtakemebackkkk⠀ ⠀ Today we’re talking about every Marine from 6th Reggie’s favorite little town in Afghanistan’s Helmand Province. marjahmarjahmarjah⠀ ⠀ What many of you may not know, however, is that them Gyrenes weren’t the only ones with their dicks in the dirt giving Terry the ol’ whatfor. Case in point, the subject of today’s OAF TBT; Staff Sgt Corey Calkins aka CashMoneyCorey⠀ ⠀ While serving as a weapons sergeant for ODA 3121, Cake Crushin’ Calkins was part of the coalition push through Marjah. On 18 February 2010, he led an assault of ANA troops against a platoon-sized element of Taliban fuckbois at a key intersection near the bazaar in Marjah. While under intense small arms, RPG, and mortar fire, Corey the Cockslapper charged the enemy position like a robust lesbian hopped up on Jack Daniels in a domestic dispute; inspiring his ANA troops to follow and overwhelm the Taliban position. TakeTheirShoes⠀ ⠀ After locking down the intersection and surrounding positions, Corey continued to fuck Terry six ways to Sunday by voluntarily continuing to drive the man-titty-havin’ soyboys out of smalls arms and RPG range so three critically wounded Marines could be evacuated. He aggressively pursued the enemy hotter than the homies in Tekashi 69’s cell block are pursuing his butthole. LemmeTugOnYoDickALilWhile⠀ ⠀ For his actions that day, SSG Calkins was awarded the Distinguished Service Cross and earned himself a lifetime supply of bummed cigs, fat pinches of dip, and near-beers from every Marine in the Ghan. ThereGoesMyHero ⠀ ⠀
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Be Like, Club, and Fake: a tale of trees and espionage okay story time: my professor (lovely man, married to our TA, 52", about as So studies trees. it was about three hours into our social sciences course, last lecture before exams, everyone was frazzled and exhausted, so he told us about his most exciting/in-depth research to date to cheer us up. (the few of us who actually showed up were like ok sir im sure its fascinating but in our minds we were totally like its trees what. is. exciting. about trees. You might be wondering the same thing-the acorns? the leaves? the roots? BUT NO. IMMA FUCKIN TELL YA.) ANYWAY we settle in, he had a few pictures loaded up from his field work (we were chuckling at this point.... 'hehehe field work' i giggled to my frend. its trees.) and began to tell his tale. it's long, imma warn you, but.... god. just read it theres an species of tree called the cucumber tree(Magnolia in our region there's only-280 that are registered by the government, yadda yadda yadda, my prof thought that was tragic (i know) but also strange, because when he was writing his thesis about local trees years ago, he kept coming across cucumber trees in really random places. we're talking like etc. IMPOSSIBLE because, according to tree very strictly protected by the govenment, and thus super legai to possess, transport, collect, buy or sell any part of a living or dead member of a listed species if it originates from sources. essentially, the govt takes control over g the trees and anyone who independently raises them is breaking the law (i kno) so he'd ask people "do you have a permit for these trees?" and they were like "uh no, it's just a tree someone sold me,i think it looks nice, are you gonna arrest me?" so he'd be like nah nah nah just tell me who sold it to you" eventually, months/years later, someone did, and turns out it was like this underground sort-of illegal tree dealing club (i know). so my prof went, got a bit of funding from the government, who were getting pissed at independent cucumber tree numbers, and THIS IS WHERE IT GETS INTO THE GOOD SHIT I STS he infitrates the tree trafficking organization. he buys a cucumber tree from an independent nursery, raises it for months, ensures he gets noticed by the traffickers, and then INFILTRATES it and convinces its leader to LET HIM JOIN he has to pay like a steep entrance fee, which he does (and it blows my mind that the government of my country paid money to illegal tree dealers), but then he is given full access to records and maps because they think he's one of them, not now this part blows my mind because the tree lords don't even have to try very hard to find cucumber trees because government agents MARK THE TREES AND DISTINCTLY TAG THEM SAYING THIS IS ENDANGERED DO NOT hangs out with the members so much that he figures out their hit spots". these are where the trees are relatively secluded and unguarded. (he writes all this shit and numbers down for BUT THATS NOT ENOUGH BECAUSE THE GOVT SAYS HES WASTING THEIR FUNDING IF HE DOESNT HAVE PROOF and they are willing to take LEGAL ACTION for misuse of funding (my prof doesn't have the money nore time nor power to take them to court, which would also blow his cover). so my prof literally STAKES OUT a copse of cucumber trees at a recognized wildlife reserve for. DAYS. he camps there, and watches the trees, is about to give up, he's going off an unreliable rumor from the traffickers that a harvester would be going there within the next week. finally, this guy comes and takes the cucumber tree seeds from the CLEARLY MARKED trees by the government, and my prof takes pictures (we are shown these pictures, most of us are speechless at this point). dozens of candid shots of a man my grandpa's age with a grocery store bag, garden shears, and a ladder, clipping away the illegal seeds and then going on his way so my prof has the proof, he's been undercover for months now at this point, he writes up his report, gives it to the government who is likeoh shit", helps them draft up a new LESS COMPLETELY FUCKING OBVious way of marking e wouldn't damage them further, etc.), and then never retuns to the tree traffickers. he'd given them a fake name, address, (so that way there was a full minute of stunned silence from us students at this point, during which he grew more and more nervous (again, he's a muffin) and all of us students are just like whoa. we asked him what happened to the remaining illegal cucumber trees & if he turned the tree dealers in to the government, and that is when he smiles a little bit and shows us the last few pictures. because here's the kicker... he never turned the smugglers in. he burned all the data he collected, defied the government pressuring him to turn them in, and the only reason he's not incarcerated is because his work is so prominent in certain circles now & universities love him, that there would be an uproar if he got arrested. he's like a fucking anti-hero and then he tells us (ill never forget, it's the most inspirational green-thumb thing in the world) "it may be illegal', but those who risk their liberty to-save the world- should never be reprimanded, no matter what we are all stunned. some of us are considering dendrology as a field we'd now be interested in pursuing. he clicks his slide one final time, before we leave our last lecture and, since he had an asthma attack (lil muffin) he didn't attend our exam, so and there, on the slides, the last picture? THERE HE IS. in his own backyard. with his equally lovely TA wife. both grinning GROWN. ILLEGAL. CUCUMBER TREE 72,767 Tree espionage
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Anaconda, Animals, and Ass: THIS IS A REAL FRESHLY SHEARED LAMB. THIS IS PETA's PLASTIC "REPLICA." HERE'S I THE REST OF YOUR WOOL COAT rse liini--| KILLED THE PROM QUEEN peta2 BOTTOM LINE? PETA LIES. ©Victorian Farmers Federation/facebook sheldrakus: saxifraga-x-urbium: moranion: brunhiddensmusings: gayahithwen: brunhiddensmusings: fattyatomicmutant: Seriously they are just weird the year is 2018- how am i getting this much use out of this photo? is there this much ambiguity about a basic craft which has been practiced before humanity figured out mud bricks that people are still confused about how sheep work? A lot of people today have extremely limited understanding of how anything rural works, thinking only of animals in the abstract. Hence people who don’t understand that cows can continue to give milk way longer than their calves need it, or that you don’t have to kill sheep to get their wool, or who think that a good way to save the bees is for everyone to stop eating honey. Like, if people don’t want to eat meat because they don’t want animals killed, and want to avoid eggs because of the cruelty prevalent in that industry, or milk because yeah, there are a fair number of issues with the dairy industry too… I will support that 100%. But then there are people so woefully misinformed I can’t take them seriously at all. its baffling- if you assume wool requires a sheep to be killed, thus each sheep in its lifetime will only provide one ‘crop’ of wool, then how freaking expensive would you then assume yarn to be? youd assume mutton would then be exceedingly common in the meat market as wellthey make a logic tangent, and obviously abandon it two seconds after it passes where they want to go because thinking too hard will reveal that to be stupid I have discovered that usually, the most militant and unpleasant vegans absolutely have no fucking idea how farming works. Ecological, sustainable farming - not massive, planet-damaging, animal-torturing industrial farming. If you don’t know that sheep have to be sheared before summer or they can literally die of heat, I am not going to listen to you. If you don’t realise that it only makes sense to use leather from animals if you kill them to eat them and that your vegan ass buying cheap plastic shoes three times a year is doing more damage to the environment than me buying leather shoes every five years, I’m not going to listen to you. If you refuse to consider that cows’ udders get painful if they don’t have a calf and aren’t milked, I won’t listen to you. And if you don’t have the basic biology knowledge required to realise that properly, sustainably raised farm animals have their place in the biosystem and that it would not, in fact, be a good thing to stop raising them, I am not going to listen to you.  I was told by a vegan I am otherwise good friends with that “all farmers lie about everything to do with farming” and I just ???? do you have any idea how exhausting it is to fucking farm no one has the ENERGY to lie about stuff like “we need commercial bees as pass pollinators for fruit farms so you might as well eat honey tbh since they’re making an excess anyway” by all means campaign for safer and better slaughterhouses (which btw is a current hot-button issue in the uk and is something one of my clients is backing and pursuing legally) and better animal welfare and make a point of pushing high-welfare products over shitty ones but demanding that everyone stops buying wool coats on the basis of a lie is stupid because the alternative is artificial fibres which are polluting the fucking oceans and killing off all the fish This. We need to do better on animal welfare, as on so many things. But if you’re coming from a standpoint of ‘all farmers are evil soulless murderers’, then… I don’t really know how we’re going to have a conversation, so I’m going to politely back away.
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Dad, Family, and Fucking: Drew @Drew_Magic_ And y'all believe they don't have the cure to Cancer and HIV/AIDS? Tuuhhhh KDKA @KDKA INCREDIBLE! After a soldier lost her left ear in a car crash, Army surgeons were able to grow a new ear in her forearm and transplant it onto her head. cbsloc.al/2rudyaO Drew @Drew_Magic_ DING DING FUCKING DING I work in immunological research and it's a well known secret amongst us that Roche developed a cure for several strains of HIV through genetic therapy 20 years ago but because HIV affects certain communities that don't have money they won't bother releasing it. I have the papers do you want than? 11:35 PM 5/10/18, 11:38 PM 4/5 Drew @Drew_Magic THE PLOT THICKENS Bro my sister work in labs with rats where they inject them with cancer then cure it. She just clean the cages but she said they have a cure 10:15 PM You accepted the request Wow 10:16 PM Your tweet is incredibly disrespectful to those who spent DECADES of their lives pursuing higher education, Struggling through graduate/ medical school, and spend hours upon hours in a lab doing biological research to try to find ways to cure cancer. 9:34 PM You accepted the request Shut the fuck up 9:34 PM Drew @Drew_Magic_ 21h Y'all act like y'all never heard of Dr. Sebi. And if you haven't please do your research. 34 519 2,644 Drew @Drew Magic_ 20h Dad told me about a man who made a pill that could be dropped in a gas tank full of water and the car would run fine... whole family disappeared 43t601 3,321 Drew @Drew Magic_.19h Y'all really soak up all the lies the government feeds y'all and it's so hot damn sad. Big Pharma ain't no joke and it ain't a conspiracy you just wanna be dumbv 23 659 3,235 Drew @Drew _Magic_ 18h Dawg you come in my DMs with this shit I'm cussing you out with no remorse ilovebigbootyhoes: onlyblackgirl: brownn-sugar: do I even need to say anything? 🤔 Doesn’t everyone know this at this point? It’s like a loudly kept secret that the health industry keeps people sick because cures aren’t profitable. They still force women into c-sections who don’t need them because it’s more profitable for hospitals. @pastpresentanimelovers see I knew some shit was up and yes I know its just a tumblr post but still
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Facts, Life, and Money: sillymarillion-comics knitmeapony: istillliveinnarnia brigwife brigwife: why is it not common knowledge that tolkien and c s lewis once went to a non-costume party dressed as polar bears tolkien also used to chase his neighbours down the street in full viking warrior gear, and once convinced a class he taught that leprechauns are real IS THIS TRUE BECAUSE THIS IS GOLD. PURE GOLD Both facts well documented. From this bio, for instance At Oxford, he was not only sometimes injudicious in the expenditure of money but could be absolutely rowdy in pursuing fun and in the practice of pranks. A great fan of The Marx Brothers' movies, throughout his life Tolkien was playful, liked pranks, costumes and incongruous comedy. "I have a very simple sense of humour," he wrote, "which even my appreciative critics find tiresome." Long after his high-spirited performances at King Edward's and the town-gown rowdiness of his Oxford days, when he was a don at Oxford, Tolkien was known to "dress up as An Anglo-Saxon warrior complete with axe and chase an astonished neighbour." He and C.S. Lewis once went to a party, which was not a costume party, as polar bears, Tolkien wearing a sheep skin and his face painted white." Carpenter, Tolkien: 130) In the middle of an academic lecture, he might take a four inch green shoe from out of his pocket as proof that leprechauns exist, and in old age he might hand a store clerk his false teeth with the coins. (Birzer, 5) Just imagine them doing vines Jack and Tollers

Jack and Tollers

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