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Bad, Creepy, and Cute: i want! to sit! in a lap! and i want! to do they have to be attached I love your need to make everything cute sounds creepy I love that Well I's funny how you can make everything sound creepy/wrong but the things that you like Make this creepy: Skittles are very good it depends where you put them you challenged a god Make this creepy: An instrumental cover of a well-known song plays from another room. It starts slow rhythm inconsistent, like a child struggling with a hand-played music box. It is the unmistakable tune of Despacito, played on an old circus organ. You open your eyes slowly and squint up at a single, flickering bulb. Your head aches. How did you get here? The music throbs against the bathroom's crumbling tile walls. You are standing in front of a ceramic sink, the bowl chipped and yellowed with age. You have no memory of this place. The music speeds up. Your hands are stained with something dark and rotting. A strange taste lingers in your mouth. How did you get here? You lean towards the mirror. Your face is haggard, your eyes bloodshot. Your reflection leans forward and whispers, "Despacito can you do llike wearing glasses Most people have never seen me without my glasses. I wear them all the time. All day, at home, in bed, even in the bath sometimes. I pretty much only take them off to shower or sleep. And even then I keep them within arm's reach. Igot my first pair in middle school, and it changed my life. I've switched styles plenty of times over the years, Right now I own three pairs, not including my backups and prescription sunglasses. I'm always paranoid about losing or breaking the ones I'm wearing. Most people would be surprised to find out my eyesight isn't even that bad. ReallyI only need corrective lenses for distance. I could manage most things without them. But I like wearing glasses Not that it can't be frustrating at times Eyeglasses are always getting smudged or dirty. I have to clean mine constantly. They're fragile, and can be scratched or bent. They fall off, go askew, steam up, and collect water drops when it rains. You have to keep a protective case on hand, and a soft cloth, and glass cleaner. They can be a lot of trouble. Honestly, contact lenses would be so much more convenient I did try to switch, once. I bought a box of those new disposable contacts. And it was great at first-just put them on and go. It was freeing. My eyes adjusted quickly-no itching or redness. It didn't even feel that strange not having something on my face for the first time in years. I really thought they were going to work. They didn't, in the end. Maybe it's something about the material, the difference between actual glass versus whatever polymer the contacts were made from. Maybe it has to do with lens shape, or distance. Maybe it's even just psychological-something to do with the fact that glasses just feel more protective. I had hoped now that I was older, perhaps I wouldn't need protection. Perhaps they wouldn't come after me the way they did when I was a child. I was wrong. Glasses stop the dark things from moving you see. If I don't wear them, I start seeing the things again. Out of the corners of my eyes. In the shadows of the room. Glasses are the only thing I've found that keeps them still. And that's important. Because you see, the things aren't just moving-theyre moving closer Gaud it's past 1 am please Sometimes I just think Gaud is moved by the full and pure force of f people's minds ucking up other why the flip do u think i spend so much time on this hellsite 57,107 notes They challenged a god. They will pay for their hubris

They challenged a god. They will pay for their hubris

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Candy, Charlie, and Dad: karik evayna Violet Beauregarde should've won Wonka's chocolate factory Have I watched the movie in the last decade or more? No. Do I have iron clad evidence to support my argument? Yes. 1. She's the most knowledgeable about candy She's committed to it, and knows her stuff. When Wonka holds up a little yellow piece across the room, she recognizes it immediately. She was able to switch to candy bars for the sake of the contest, so we know she has personal discipline and is goal oriented. Also, two major projects play directly into her strong suits: the 3-course- meal gum that Wonka failed to make safe (gum) and the neverending gobstopper (longevity) 2. She's the most fit to run a business. Violet is competitive, determined, hard working, and willing to take risks. Her father is a small town car salesman and politician, so she could easily pick up knowledge and support from him. (Veruca's dad is also a business man, and in a compatible market (nuts), but it's made very clear that Veruca has no respect or knowledge of business practices or hard work.) 3. Shes the most sympathetic to the Oompa Loompas. She critiques Veruca when Veruca demands to buy one. More importantly, Wonka has been testing the 3-course-meal gum that always goes wrong' on Oompa Loompas while he presumably just watches. Violet is ready to put herself on the front line, instead of treating the Oompa Loompas as disposable, and would therefore be a better boss. 4. Her personality flaw' is the most fitting for the company. In the moralizing Oompa Loompa song, they just say gum is pretty cool, but it's not socially acceptable to chew it all day. The thing is, we already know that she can stop if she wants, because she already did that to win the golden ticket. And yeah, she is defensive about the perceived impoliteness of her hobby (like when her mother tries to shame her about her habit during a televised interview) but the obsession with candy and neglect of social norms is EXACTLY what Wonka is all about This is on brand. 5. Her misstep in the factory is reasonable. Wonka shows everyone a candy he's very proud of. Violet is like "oh sick, that's gum, my special interest." Wonka is then pulls a "WRONG! It's amazing guml So in the very moments before she takes the gum Wonka has mislead her just to belittle her. So when he's like I wouldn't do that" why should she give a shit what he has to say? She's not like Charlie over here who's al Sure Gramps, let's stay behind while the tour leaves and secretly drink this thing that has been explicitly stated to fill you with gas and is too powerful for safe consumption, oh and also I just saw what happened to Violet so I actually KNOW what this stuff can be capable of" Also, Violet is not selfish about her experience, she tells everyone what she's tasting and feeling, and everyone is eager to hear it. Taking a personal risk to share knowledge with everyone. Violet is Prometheus: fact. So Augustus contaminates the chocolate river. Charlie sneaks around and contaminates the vent walls. Veruca destroys and disrupts the workspace. Mike knows exactly what will happen to him and transports/shrinks himself deliberately. Violet had no idea what the gum could potentially do to her, and caused no harm to anyone or anything but herself Lastly: Can you imagine Charlie filling Wonka's shoes? That passive, naive boy? Violet is already basically Wonka. She's passionate sarcastic, candy-obsessed, free thinking, and a total firecracker. She's even better than Wonka, because she doesn't endanger others. Violet should've been picked to inherit the chocolate factory. Source: evayna #charlie and the chocolate factory 123,693 notes Blueberry Boss
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Ass, Bitch, and Fucking: dick-rider-dave-strider: strangelyobsessedwithstuff: vialsofbrightforgettingpowders: ALRIGHT MOTHERFUCKERS, TIME FOR SOME LEARNIN SO SIT OUR BITCH ASS DOWN AND GET OUT OUR NOTEPAD THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE IS SUGAR SCRUB. YEAH I KNOW YOUVE SEEN IT BEFORE BUT YOU DONT KNOW WHAT I KNOW AND THAT WHEN YOU USE IT WITH ONE OF THESE FUCKERS YOU WILL GET LEGS AND ARMS AND ANY OTHER SHIT YOU WANT THAT IS SO SOFT YOU WILL BE SHOVING IT IN THE FACE OF EVERYONE YOU KNOW AND ASKING THEM TO COMPARE IT TO THE TENDER PINK FLESH OF A NEWBORN SO GET YOURSELF SOME FUCKING WHITE SUGAR AND SOME CHEAP ASS OIL LIKE CANOLA OR SOME SHIT AND MIX THAT SHIT WITH TWO PARTS SUGAR AND ONE PART OIL( THAT MEANS TWICE AS MUCH SUGAR AS OIL BITCHES I USUALLY USE ONE CUP OF SUGAR AND DO SOME FUCKING MATH TO FIGURE OUT HOW MUCH OIL THAT IS) DROP A FEW DROPS OF VANILLA ESSENCE OR MAYBE SOME FUCKING LAVENDER OIL WHATEVER YOU WANNA SMELL LIKE. MIX IT UP REALLY GOOD MMMM SMELLS LIKE CAKE BATTER FUCK YEAH. NOW GET YOURSELF GOOD AND NAKED. REAL NAKED. PAMPER YOUR GODDESS-LIKE ASS WITH A BUBBLE BATH. TAKE ONE OF THOSE RAZORS YOU GOT AND SHAVE WHATEVER YOU LIKE TO SHAVE LEGS ARMS VAJAYJAY PITS I DONT FUCKING CARE. NOW GET OUT OF THAT GROSS HAIRY DIRT WATER AND SIT ON THE EDGE OF THAT THERE BATHTUB. TAKE A HANDFUL OF THAT SWEET GOOP AND RUB IT ALL OVER THAT SKIN OF YOURS(just dont use this stuff on or near your lady bits i put this in lower case because it is really important your love cavern does not like sugar uh uh no way its diabetic) RUB RUB RUB KEEP RUBBIN YEAH YOUR HANDS STARTING TO FEEL WEIRD GOOD BECAUSE ITS WORKING NOW TAKE THAT CHEAP-ASS DISPOSABLE RAZOR YOU HAVE AND SHAVE OFF THAT NASTY-ASS DEAD SKIN EWW ITS SO GROSS NO ITS NOT ITS YOUR OWN SKIN BUT ITS ALL GREY. RINSE OF THAT OILY STUFF BECAUSE YOUR SKIN AINT NO SLIP-N-SLIDE GOOD NOW FEEL YOUR NEWFOUND SOFT SKIN THAT WAS ONCE BURIED UNDER LAYERS OF DEAD FLAKES OF YOUR PAST SELF YOUR WELCOME MOTHERFUCKERS CLASS DISMISSED IVE BEEN LOOKING FOR THIS POST FOR AGESthanks for the tip karkat reference
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Animals, Beautiful, and Crying: AN AVERAGE SATURDAY MORNING: WITH KIDS VS. WITHOUT KID WITH KIDS TIME WITHOUT KIDS Time to get up! Someone peed 6:00 You won't be getting up for 5 through his diaper and now your bed is covered in urine more You change a diaper and try to get the kid to sleep a little longer but now the he's yelling zoo animals and doing flips on the 6:30 You made some breakfast for your child, but today he decided he hates eggs. He's saying he wants "scrims" but you don't know what that means. He won't explain and just keeps yelling "scrims" louder and louder 7:00 Your pillow got a little warm so you turn it over and go back to You've now watched the same episode of Spongebob four times. One time you tried to change it over to the news and your kid shoved a spoon in the Tranquil visions dance in your 8:00 O0 head as the sweet embrace of slumber engulfs your resting body You attempt to take a shower but your kid keeps throwing can openers into the tub. You weren't aware that you hacd multiple can openers An angel comes down and gently kisses your forehead. Sleep well, sweet prince 8:30 You walk upstairs to your room, but didn't realize your kid was using the stairs as a stunt zone for Hot Wheels and you slip on one and nearly die as you tumble back down to the A hummingbird perches itself outside your window and sings a sweet lullaby. He blows you a kiss and soars away 9:00 You try to finally go to the bathroom, but forgot to lock the door so now your kid is crying because you won't let him dump sand in your lap. He dumps it on the dog instead. The sand was actually used cat litter You wake briefly to adjust your sleep number. (You bought an adjustable bed with all the disposable income you have from not having a kid.) 9:30 You hear laughter, which is almost more terrifying than crying. You walk in the living room to see your kid making 10:00 S Still sleeping soundly, like a puppy in front of a crackling snow angels in glue. There's no way you're getting your deposit back with a giant glue angel in the middle of the carpet Your kid doses off and you try to catch up on your favorite show You stir a little and check your texts. Your friend wants to go to brunch later. That sounds nice 30 more minutes of sleep and you'll get ready for that. Maybe go to mall later or ride go-karts Unfortunately, six minutes into it 10:30 there's a dramatic moment where the music builds and your kid is now wide-awake. (Screw You get everyone loaded into the car to go to the zoo, even though it's 90 degrees and so humid taxidermy is coming back to life. Your kid yells a racial slur he heard in a movie. Out of all the words he's heard, that's the only one that stuck. You wake up feeling refreshed and beautiful. You know what? It's Saturday. Let's just lie in the bed a while and watch a movie 11:00 srsfunny:Saturdays With Kids Vs. Without Kids

srsfunny:Saturdays With Kids Vs. Without Kids

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