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Tumblr, Blog, and Good: vacationadventuresociety: heres a good lq teal roots that i found in my ancient folders

vacationadventuresociety: heres a good lq teal roots that i found in my ancient folders

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Ass, Beautiful, and Butt: did you know? did-you-kno.tumblr.com During a battle in 603 BC, Chinese warrior Xiong Yiliao stepped out between the armies and started juggling 9 balls. The opposing troops were so amazed that all 500 of them turned and fled did-you-kno.tumblr.com didyouknowblog.com facebook.com/didyouknowblog optimysticals: uovoc: konec0: sleepyferret: shitfacedanon: dat-soldier: sonnetscrewdriver: dat-soldier: did-you-kno: Source back the fuck up There’s another story that I like about a Chinese general who had to defend a city with only a handful of soldiers from a huge enemy horde that was in all likelihood going to steamroll the place flat within hours of showing up. So when said horde did arrive, they saw the general sitting outside the city’s open gates, drinking tea. The horde sent a couple of emissaries over to see what was what, and the general greeted them cheerfully and invited them all to come and take tea with him. The horde decided that this was a scenario that had “MASSIVE FUCKING TRAP” written all over it in beautiful calligraphy and promptly fucked off. Whoever that general was, he was clearly the Ancient Chinese equivalent of Sam Vimes. did he just invite us over for tea nah man i’m out This just keeps getting better I fucking love history. ok but tbh that story misses a lot of the subtlety of the situation like ok so this story is the Romance of Three Kingdoms, and essentially takes place between Zhuge Liang, resident tactician extraordinaire, and Sima Yi… OTHER resident tactician extraordinaire. The two were both regarded as tactical geniuses and recognized the other as their rival. Zhuge Liang had a reputation for ambushing the SHIT out of his opponents and using the environment to his advantage, thus destroying large armies with a small number of men. Sima Yi (who kind of entered the picture later) was a cautious person whose speciality was unravelling his opponent’s plans before they began. So it was natural that the two would butt heads; however, since Sima Yi tended to have more men and resources, he started winning battles against the former. Which, y’know, kinda sucked. On to the actual story: Zhuge Liang is all like “shit i gotta defend this city with like 10 men.” Literally if he fights ANY kind of battle here, he WILL lose; his only option for survival is not to fight. And that’s looking more and more impossible until he hears that his rival is leading the opposing army. And then he gets this brilliant idea. He basically opens all the gates, sends his men out in civilian clothes to sweep the streets, and sits on top of the gate drinking tea and chilling out and basically makes the whole thing out to be a trap When Sima Yi comes he’s all like “yo come on in bro” and Sima Yi is like “yeah he’s never been that obvious about his traps before. this is definitely a bluff” and he’s about to head in when he realizes wait. he knows that i think he’s bluffing. and so he gets it in his head that maybe, just MAYBE, Zhuge Liang has this cunning plan that will wipe out his army - recall that he has a pretty good handle on what his rival is capable of. And after a long period of deliberation (which is just like “he know that I know that he knows that etc.”), being the cautious man he is, SIma Yi eventually decides to turn his entire army around and leave. Zhuge Liang later points out that the plan was based specifically on the fact that he was facing his rival; if it had been anyone else, there’s no way it would have worked. A dumber or less cautious person would have simply charged in and won without breaking a sweat.  and that’s the real genius here: it was a plan formed entirely just to deceive one man, and it worked. Zhuge Liang is the most brilliant, sneaky-ass bastard in history. One time his side’s army was out of arrows, which pretty much meant they were screwed. So Zhuge Liang goes and does the logical thing, which is build a fuck ton of scarecrows and put them all on boats. Then he makes the men hide in the boats and sail them out on the river. Well, that day was super foggy (which Zhuge Liang had predicted. Did I mention he was also a freakishly accurate meteorologist?). So the enemy across the river sees a fleet of boats armed to the teeth with what appears to be half an army of men. They panic! and start firing arrows like crazy.  Zhuge Liang lets this play out for a while, then he’s like, ”Ok guys that’s enough.” They calmly turn the boats around and go back to base, where they dismantle the scarecrows and pull out all the enemy’s arrows. Zhuge Liang is legend. I love this post. It just keeps getting better. Like seriously, I would have adored learning about this in World History.
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College, Fucking, and Hungry: trajans nefertitie nefertitie did i ever tell u guys that in fifth grade my class wrote a play bc we were studying ancient greece? it was called persephone and the (not so hot) heroes. i played demeter. basically, persephone got kidnapped by kronos and i strong armed hades into giving me 3 heroes from the underworld to get her back but they were actually temible and i forget how she was actually saved but bottom line is that you wish you were my fifth grade class this wasn't little either, we used the town hall and we wore togas and shit me as demeter some lines (this was a joint effort of a bunch of greek-savvy 10/11 year olds): athena: "im the goddess of wisdom but you don't notice me telling everyone. i'm too smart for that aphrodite: is zeus chasing some mortal woman again? athena: no this time he and hera have gone for marriage counselling athena: we can ask hades to let them out of the underworld to help aphrodite: he'll never agree, he's such a deadly bore (we made a fucking pun im so angry) demeter hades wont pick up he's too busy torturing the dead in tartarus hades i can't undo the laws of death just think of the paperwork aphrodite the humidity is messing up my hair. it's getting all frizzy athena: is that all you care about? aphrodite: no, it's also messing up my dress demeter it's so dark, and there aren't any trees or flowers hades what do we need trees for, everybody's dead paris: yeah, and i can shoot straight! isn't that right, achilles? (hades enters) paris: who are you? do we know you? achilles: im mighty achilles odysseus: im wily odysseus paris: and im hungry paris kronos: i really am awesome, aren't i aeton one wrong move and you're history odysseus: fooll we already are historyl demeter. where are those mortals? i left them right there athena: are you sure? this isnt the first time you've lost someone l suddenly have the need for the entire screenplay, and to direct it at my college This play is the stuff of legends
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Braids, Crying, and Empire: aethersea: teamstopfightingassholes feitanswife: stlin: ella-raene: systlin: beautifultoastdream: stlin: GUYS THEY FIGURED OUT THE ROMAN CONCRETE RECIPE THAT MAKES IT IMMUNE TO SEAWATER http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/technology/mystery-of 2000-year-old-roman-concrete-solved-by-scientists/ar BBDO5V I KNOW RIGHT?!??? I can't help but feel this is one of those things where we had actual documents saying "it was done with this and this", and some old rich white guys looked at it and went "oh mirth, the ancients were so silly They probably wrote this basic stuff down and the actual builders had Secret Techniques we need to Discover For a long time, archeologists didn't know how greek women did their high-piled braids and hair. There was a word that translated to "needle" in the descriptions. They went, "seems like we'll never know." Then a hairdresser took a fucking needle (big needle) and did the fucking thing you do with needles, which is sew - and by sewing the braids into place, she replicated ancient styles. The Egyptians had diagrams of construction steps for their pyramids. Archeologists went "oooh, ancient primitive people, how they do this?" LITERALLY MYTHBUSTERS OR THE OLD DISCOVERY CHANNEL or someone went "what if we did the thing the pictures said they did" AND GUESS FUCKING WHAT. GUESS FUCKING WHAT Also that thing with native Americans saying squirrels taught therm how to get sap for maple syrup, and colonizers going "that's a myth swea Sincerely, if the scientists had to do actual analysis like spectroscopy or whatever, kudos, and no flame. But swear to god, if all these years, we've had the recipes and there was just this fuckin institutional bias against just TRYING THE THING THEY SAID WOULD WORK, HELLFIRE AND DEMENTIA In this case, it was more they had roman writings saying what went into it but figured there was some secret because when they followed roman recipes it never turned out quite right. Because the sources left by Romans always just said to mix with water Because, if you were a Roman??? Obviouslyyou knew that you used seawater for cement. Duh. That's so obvious that they never really bothered specifying that you use seawater to mix it, because it wasn't necessary, everyone knew that. But then the empire fell, other empires rose and fell, time passed, and by the time we were trying to reconstruct the formula the 'mix the dry ingredients with seawater' trick had been forgotten, until chemical analysis finally figured it out again. It's sort of like the land of Punt, a ally of Egypt that's mentioned all the time, but we don't actually know where it was located. Because it isn't written down anywhere. Why would they write it down? It's Punt. Everyone knew where Punt was back then. It'd be ridiculous to waste the ink and space to specify where it was, every child knows about Punt. 3000 years later and we have no damned clue where it was, simply because at the time it was so blindingly obvious that it was never written down. So moral of storv is be specific I was thinking it was stupid that they didn't specify seawater but then I had the thought that we don't specify to use chicken eggs in baking because DUH so we write eggs 2000 years in the future people are going to be making scrambled fish eggs and crying be the ancient recipes make no sense I wonder what bits of todays common knowledge will be lost to time
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Aladdin, Bad, and Barbie: C ,d 40%. 11:52 PM minesottafatspoollegend i love in fantasy when its like "king galamir the mighty golden eagle and his most trusted advisor who would never betray him, gruelworm bloodeye the treacherous" es When my sister and I were kids we had this one action figure, who was actually a brutalized batman doll without his cape (the dog chewed half his head, too), who we dubbed 'Evil Chancellor Traytor. The idea was that in the fictional society of our toys, chancellor just came with the word 'evil in front of it, as a matter of ancient tradition Like 'grand' or 'high' or something along those lines Anyway, the running gag was that the king (an old Power Rangers knock-off doll) had absolute and unwavering faith in Evil Chancel- lor Traytor, who basically comported himself like a mix between Grima Wormtongue and Jafar from the Aladdin movies. Everyone was always sure that Evil Chancellor Traytor had something to do with the nefarious scheme of the day. The dude even carried around a poisoned knife called 'the kingslayer The additional twist on the joke, though, was that he never was behind anything. The king was actually right. Evil Chancellor Traytor was the most devoted civil servant in the entire Action Figure Dystopia. He spent his nights working on writing up new legislature to ensure that b mobility devices, was always on the lookout to acquire new shoeboxes for expanding city infrastructure, and drafted a proposal that once got half the 'settlement' in my sister and I's closet moved to the upper shelf so that vulnerable toys were less likely to be snatched roken toys had access to the dog The knife, as it turned out, was as symbolic as the evil in his name. See, Action Figure Dystopia had a long history of corrupted monarchs getting too big for their thrones and exploiting the underclasses. The job of the Evil Chancellor was to always remain vigilant, and loyally serve a good ruler-or, if the regent should became a despot, to slay them on behalf of the people But since killing the king would be a terrible crime, the Evil Chancellor had to be the kind of person who would willingly die to spare the people from the plight of a wicked leader, because the murder would be pinned on them, in order to keep the 'machinery of politics working as smoothly as ever Anyway, Evil Chancellor Traytor had a diary in which my sister I would take turns writing out the most over-the-top good shit he'd done behind the scenes. Usually after everyone else had finished talking shit about him. I don't know why but we got the biggest kick out of in Barbie With the Unfortunate Haircut: Oh that Evil Chancellor Traytor! Why can't the king see how wicked he is?! Charmander From the Vending Machine: Char! Jurassic Park Toy of Jeff Goldblum With Disturbingly Realistic Face: At least if someone puts a knife in the king's back, we'll know where to look! Evil Chancellor Traytor's Diary: Today I was feeding ducks at the park when I noticed another legless action figure sitting by the benches. I put a hundred dollars into his bag while he wasn't looking. I really need to increase budgeting to the medical treatment centers. If only we had enough glue, I think we would see far fewer toys trying to get by without limbs... insert iconic evil laugh* Anyway, Evil Chancellor Traytor eventually fell victim to one of my mom's cleaning sprees, and she decided he was too busted up to keep and tossed him out. My littler brother, who tended to follow my sister and I's games like he was watching a daily soap opera, cried so hard that we had to do a special 'episode where one of the toys found the Evil Chancellor's diary, and so he got a big huge memorial and the king threw himself into the empty grave and then ordered the toys driving the toy bulldozer to bury him so that 'Traytors grave would have a body' (this seemed very important for some reason) And then we had the Quest For a New King Somehow or another that ended up being a giant rubber snake called Tyrant King Cobra Source: sweetbabyr aysgourmetsauces 79,144 notes I want this to be an actual soap so bad
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College, Fucking, and Makeup: nicejewishguy Wtf is sephora It sounds scary elasticlove isn't that the guy with the long white hair from final fantasy venatus no your thinking of sephiroth, a sephora is an angel belonging to the highest order of angels punlich No you're thinking of a Seraph A sephora is a second year college or high school student one-eyed-pom No, you're thinking of sophomore. A sephora is when you use your phone to take a picture of yourself lethalneuroses no, you're thinking of a selfie. a sephora is a calm breeze waffle-sorter No, you're thinking of a zephyr. A sephora is one of those Greek vases with the two handles and the pictures leeshajoy You're thinking of an amphora. Sephora is the web browser you have to use on iOS devices. animatedamerican You're thinking of Safari. Sephora is an informal term for the seven-week period of counting the days between Pesach and Shavuot in the Jewish calendar hhertzof You're thinking of Sefiras. Sephora is a bright blue gemstone best known for combining with Ruby to create Garnet and lead the Crystal Gems, training Pokemon, and/ or assisting Steel to fight against time's intrusions into our realm. rareandradiant-maiden No, you're thinking of sapphire. Sephora is ac- tually a part of a flower, it protects the flower in bud and supports the petals in bloom. jewishdragon No, you're thinking of sepal. Sephora is the wife of Moses, who lead the Israelites people out of Egypt osheamobile No, you're thinking of Tzipporah. Sephora was an ancient Greek poet who inspired a lot of lady-lovin' princelesscomic No, you're thinking of Sappho Sephora is the youngest of the five Marx brothers. optimysticals No, you're thinking of Zeppo Sephora is the Heimdall's sister flatbear No no no guys, you're thinking of Sif. Sephora is a venereal disease that turns your brain to swiss cheese, going so far as to destroy external features like the nose. Famous gangster Al Capone suffered from sephora. corruptinnocent No, you're thinking of syphilis. Sephora is that radiant feeling you get when you have found perfect peace and happiness. mettatonsbutt No, you're thinking of euphoria. Sephora's a fucking makeup store you dipshits. A sephora is a chemical element with symbol S and atomic number 16.
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Ass, Clothes, and England: The Ionian Chiton The Dorian Chiton. bramblepatch: countlessscreamingargonauts: scarimor: bmwiid: woodsmokeandwords: uidu-regani: tardygrading: spazzbot: ardatli: annathecrow: ardatli: childrentalking: itwashotwestayedinthewater: fabledquill: killerchickadee: intheheatherbright: intheheatherbright: Costume. Chitons. Marjorie C. H. B.Quennell, Everyday Things in Archaic Greece (London: B. T. Batsford, 1931). Wait, wait…. Is that seriously it? How their clothes go? that genuinely is it yeah hey whats up bout to put some fucking giant sheets on my body lets bring back sheetwares When you’re carding, spinning and weaving everything from scratch, using the big squares exactly as they come off the loom must seem like a fucking brilliant idea. 90% (or more) of pre-14th century clothing is made purely on squares (and sometimes triangles cut from squares).  How did they get the fabric so fine it draped like that? Was that something medieval europe forgot? Or do I just have a completely misguided image of historical clothing? Medieval Europe also had incredibly fine weaves, though the ancient world tended to have them beat. Linen was found in Egypt woven with a fineness that we’re still trying to replicate, and there was a kind of cotton woven in India called ‘woven wind’ that was supposedly still translucent at eight layers, and wool shawls so fine that the entire thing could be drawn through a wedding ring.  The way they could get away with pinking and slashing doublets in the 16th century was partially because the fabrics were so tightly woven that you could simply cut a line on the bias and nothing would fray.  Modern fabric machining sucks ass in terms of giving us any kind of quality like the kind human beings produced prior to the Industrial Revolution.  *yells about textile history* Reblogging because it’s fascinating. The Celts made very fine clothing as well. They invented plaid after all, and the same weaves that have been found at the La Tene/Halstatt salt mines in Austria were also found as far away as western China in the tombs of the Tarim mummies. Can we talk about 18th century and regency era muslin as well because that shit is gorgeous. It’s so fine it’s more transparent than silk chiffon and oh the tiny hems you can make with it!! I have an 18th century neckerchief and the hem is about 2mm wide. Not kidding, 2mm!!! Because it didn’t fray like our stuff does now. All we can produce nowadays is a rough, scratchy, bullshit excuse for muslin and it’s horrid. I love this because we’ve gotten so blind to what makes ‘good’ fabric now - machine lace? horrible scratchy shit mostly made from poly. Actual lace is handmade, lasts for fucking EVER and looks stunning.  Regency gowns fucking rocked in terms of fabric quality - we use muslin as a ‘throw away’ before sewing the real fabric, back then it WAS a real fabric and it was so finely made you wouldn’t even think it was the same stuff.  Hand hemming is still the best way to finish off anything, but harder than hell because of the shitty weave of modern fabrics.  Satin? Silks?! Pah. Yes, fabric is cheaper, more affordable and varied than before, but it is an area where QUALITY was sacrificed for QUANTITY.  (I don’t want to seem like I’m shitting on how great we have it now for clothes and martials or anything, because YAY!! but also, I’d love to get my mits on a bolt of real Muslin)  archaeologists recently found some Bronze Age fabric woven on site and preserved in marsh in England. it’s fine to die for. they were exporting it and trading into Asia. I’m not into fashion, but I love reading about the history and evolution of it. My favorite textile history fact is that the ancient Romans loved really sheer, floaty silks, but at the time the fashion in China, where the silk was produced, was for heavy, intricate brocades. So the Romans would import the heavier fabrics, painstakingly unravel them, and use the silk thread to weave the fabric they liked.
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