🔥 Popular | Latest

I owe an apology to the all the pretty Asian ladies in my comments who reminded me that durian is an acquired taste. I feel that in my heart. I mean dang. Did I like thick, beautifully black and rich coffee the first time it graced my lips? I can’t remember but probably not lol. Now I can’t live without it. Blue cheese? That joint with the rotten green speckles in it? U just gotta appreciate it. And last but not least let’s not forget the most wonderful acquired taste of all: a$$ 👅🍑. I said durian wasn’t made for humans but ayeeee people probably say the same about hot bean water, moldy cheese and wonderfully stretch marked, cellulitey CHEEKS 🤤. If u find durian delightful it just mean ya palette more sophisticated than mines. We all like what we like! I respect that 💯. Bless up 😍😂😂: This dog has better problem-solving skills than some of my co-workers I owe an apology to the all the pretty Asian ladies in my comments who reminded me that durian is an acquired taste. I feel that in my heart. I mean dang. Did I like thick, beautifully black and rich coffee the first time it graced my lips? I can’t remember but probably not lol. Now I can’t live without it. Blue cheese? That joint with the rotten green speckles in it? U just gotta appreciate it. And last but not least let’s not forget the most wonderful acquired taste of all: a$$ 👅🍑. I said durian wasn’t made for humans but ayeeee people probably say the same about hot bean water, moldy cheese and wonderfully stretch marked, cellulitey CHEEKS 🤤. If u find durian delightful it just mean ya palette more sophisticated than mines. We all like what we like! I respect that 💯. Bless up 😍😂😂
Save
So I'm on the stairmaster tryina knock out this 103 steps per minute for 45 min right and I get to minute 38 and I'm cot damn feeling like I won't make it. My lungs are now coughing to try to draw air inside my body is like "MF WE WILL GO ON STRIKE U CAN ONLY PUT US THRU SO MUCH WE HAVE APPROVAL AT THE HIGHEST LEVEL OF LOCAL 183 ELECTRICIANS BROTHERHOOD TO SHUT YO ASS DOWN BELEE DAT SHIT." But nah I kept going bc I AIN NO BISH (also, I'm stupid 🤗). So the pretty lil woman next to me say "sir.........are you ok(?)" And I wanted to be like "BISH DON'T U SEE MY SPEED RN? I AIN'T DOING 65 STEPS PER MINUTE LIKE U WHICH IS A RESPECTABLE SPEED FOR KICKING YOUR LEGS OUT BEHIND U TO BUILD THAT UNDERBUTT-CREASE BC U TRYING TO GET A ASS THE NATURAL WAY AND NOT THE KARDASHIAN POOPY DIAPER SURGERY WAY BUT THIS SHIT LIKE SPRINTING UP A MOUNTAIN COT DAMMIT YES I'M OK LET A BROTHER BREAVE 😤." But I didn't say that. I didn't say that shit at all 😂. I said "ayeeee you don't have to call me sir! I'm not THAT old. I only have six grandkids ... THAT I KNOW ABOUT LOL LEMME STOP LYING I AIN OLD ENUF TO BE A GRANDPA HAHAHAHA I'M STUPID WYD THO." And she immeejally reply "ha! You got me beat. My first grand kid was just born so I have a while before I catch up!" Hold the damn phone bruh. She was pretty AF too. Like the math ain een make no damn sense. She 30? What did she do, have a daughter at age 15 and then THAT daughter had a baby at age 15? Or maybe she 45? Like she Lululemon down - and where she get the money for all this? And then I pictured her meeting a sweet old glucose guardian who was like "I don't mind that you have kids - I never wanted them - but I'll treat yours like mine ☺️" and took care of her and now she living good AND THEN I REALIZED MAYBE SHE GOT HER OWN DAMN MONEY WHY SHE GOTTA BE A KEPT WOMAN MAYBE SHE INDEPENDENT AF SHAME ON ME SMASH FOR ASSUMING SHIT. Then I said "LOL NO WAY YOU'RE GORGEOUS! 😬" That's all I said. And then she said "aw bless your heart you're cute LOL." That was it. If u think I'm not gonna share my nonsensical stories with y'all YALL ARE WRONG I SHARE THE GOOD THE BAD AND THE MEANINGLESS BLESS UP 😂😂😂: Trang Nguyern @trangnnguyenn we our Chacos @DrSmashlove So I'm on the stairmaster tryina knock out this 103 steps per minute for 45 min right and I get to minute 38 and I'm cot damn feeling like I won't make it. My lungs are now coughing to try to draw air inside my body is like "MF WE WILL GO ON STRIKE U CAN ONLY PUT US THRU SO MUCH WE HAVE APPROVAL AT THE HIGHEST LEVEL OF LOCAL 183 ELECTRICIANS BROTHERHOOD TO SHUT YO ASS DOWN BELEE DAT SHIT." But nah I kept going bc I AIN NO BISH (also, I'm stupid 🤗). So the pretty lil woman next to me say "sir.........are you ok(?)" And I wanted to be like "BISH DON'T U SEE MY SPEED RN? I AIN'T DOING 65 STEPS PER MINUTE LIKE U WHICH IS A RESPECTABLE SPEED FOR KICKING YOUR LEGS OUT BEHIND U TO BUILD THAT UNDERBUTT-CREASE BC U TRYING TO GET A ASS THE NATURAL WAY AND NOT THE KARDASHIAN POOPY DIAPER SURGERY WAY BUT THIS SHIT LIKE SPRINTING UP A MOUNTAIN COT DAMMIT YES I'M OK LET A BROTHER BREAVE 😤." But I didn't say that. I didn't say that shit at all 😂. I said "ayeeee you don't have to call me sir! I'm not THAT old. I only have six grandkids ... THAT I KNOW ABOUT LOL LEMME STOP LYING I AIN OLD ENUF TO BE A GRANDPA HAHAHAHA I'M STUPID WYD THO." And she immeejally reply "ha! You got me beat. My first grand kid was just born so I have a while before I catch up!" Hold the damn phone bruh. She was pretty AF too. Like the math ain een make no damn sense. She 30? What did she do, have a daughter at age 15 and then THAT daughter had a baby at age 15? Or maybe she 45? Like she Lululemon down - and where she get the money for all this? And then I pictured her meeting a sweet old glucose guardian who was like "I don't mind that you have kids - I never wanted them - but I'll treat yours like mine ☺️" and took care of her and now she living good AND THEN I REALIZED MAYBE SHE GOT HER OWN DAMN MONEY WHY SHE GOTTA BE A KEPT WOMAN MAYBE SHE INDEPENDENT AF SHAME ON ME SMASH FOR ASSUMING SHIT. Then I said "LOL NO WAY YOU'RE GORGEOUS! 😬" That's all I said. And then she said "aw bless your heart you're cute LOL." That was it. If u think I'm not gonna share my nonsensical stories with y'all YALL ARE WRONG I SHARE THE GOOD THE BAD AND THE MEANINGLESS BLESS UP 😂😂😂
Save
(@hoegivesnofucks) So real talk Bruh I'm with my girl and I get a call on my iPhone and it said "Papa John's" on my caller ID. My girl eyes turn red. She seething. She reaching for a knife. She bout to cut me to pieces and store me in the freezer. She grab that phone and say "WHO...THE *FUCK* IS PAPA JOHN'S." And the voice on the other line dead ass said "hi ma'am this is Todd at Papa John's. I'm calling Smash because he's a premier customer and I wanted to let him know we're doing two larges for $20 tonight." She grinned. She put the knife away. She kissed my cheek. She said, "smash I always thought you were a douchebag fuckboy but I guess maybe I was mistaken 😕." I kissed her back and said "it's ok baby we all make harsh judgments of people but the better path is to have a positive opinion of them. Abraham Lincoln said that. Or Confucius. Tony Robbins? One of them motherfuckers baby let's order a pizza 😘." And then I text my side chick Samantha and asked her how the hell she made her voice so deep: "Ayeeee did you use to be a man or some shit? That was convincing AF..." [Editor's Note: I received DMs from a couple followers expressing sadness and dismay over this story. Ladies...in case clarification is required...this story is absolutely, positively fantastical in nature. Y'all gotta let a brother have some creative license to be a fool from time to time...ayeeee 😫😂😂😂] (pupper: @linnnaa_): Weekends got me like Drsmashlove (@hoegivesnofucks) So real talk Bruh I'm with my girl and I get a call on my iPhone and it said "Papa John's" on my caller ID. My girl eyes turn red. She seething. She reaching for a knife. She bout to cut me to pieces and store me in the freezer. She grab that phone and say "WHO...THE *FUCK* IS PAPA JOHN'S." And the voice on the other line dead ass said "hi ma'am this is Todd at Papa John's. I'm calling Smash because he's a premier customer and I wanted to let him know we're doing two larges for $20 tonight." She grinned. She put the knife away. She kissed my cheek. She said, "smash I always thought you were a douchebag fuckboy but I guess maybe I was mistaken 😕." I kissed her back and said "it's ok baby we all make harsh judgments of people but the better path is to have a positive opinion of them. Abraham Lincoln said that. Or Confucius. Tony Robbins? One of them motherfuckers baby let's order a pizza 😘." And then I text my side chick Samantha and asked her how the hell she made her voice so deep: "Ayeeee did you use to be a man or some shit? That was convincing AF..." [Editor's Note: I received DMs from a couple followers expressing sadness and dismay over this story. Ladies...in case clarification is required...this story is absolutely, positively fantastical in nature. Y'all gotta let a brother have some creative license to be a fool from time to time...ayeeee 😫😂😂😂] (pupper: @linnnaa_)
Save
So yesterday I'm bending over in my office to pick something up and boom, the butt seam of my suit pants breaks because BigAssProblems. Now usually I got a sewing kit with me in my gym bag but yesterday was a rest day. So reluctantly I'm like "let me bug Susan the head of HR because in addition to people flooding her with questions about whether or not they can pay for Plan B out of their FlexSpend account, lemme be the asshole who asks her if she got a sewing kit." Not only does she have one, she says she'll bring it right by. She knocks on my door and I'm like "ayeee thank you!!" And she says "no problem smash! Is there something I can sew for you?" She ain't even ask it like a 'fake ask', neither - she was dead ass. Bruh. BRUH. At that moment all I could think of was all the assholes in corporate America who's ever crossed the line and asked a senior woman to do something degrading AS FVCK. Get them lunch. Get their cleaning. All the shit u poor women did in the 70s and 80s for overbearing assholes who don't believe a woman is there for any purpose other than to support them. So in 2017, even as women run companies (Meg Whitman) and countries (Angela Merkel), a senior woman at my firm asked if she could sew my pants. What I said: "thank you Susan but I'm good, I can sew!!" What I should have said: "SUSAN - NOT ONLY DO YOU NOT NEED TO SEW MY PANTS - BUT IF ANY MAN EVER ASKS YOU TO SEW SOMETHING EVER AGAIN - WHETHER A SHIRT OR DRESS PANTS FULL OF HIS BUTTSWEAT - COME SEE ME SO HE COULD GET THESE MOTHERFUCKING HANDS." Ya get me! Bless up 😍😂😂😂: the kind of cuddle puddle l want to be in @DrSmashlove So yesterday I'm bending over in my office to pick something up and boom, the butt seam of my suit pants breaks because BigAssProblems. Now usually I got a sewing kit with me in my gym bag but yesterday was a rest day. So reluctantly I'm like "let me bug Susan the head of HR because in addition to people flooding her with questions about whether or not they can pay for Plan B out of their FlexSpend account, lemme be the asshole who asks her if she got a sewing kit." Not only does she have one, she says she'll bring it right by. She knocks on my door and I'm like "ayeee thank you!!" And she says "no problem smash! Is there something I can sew for you?" She ain't even ask it like a 'fake ask', neither - she was dead ass. Bruh. BRUH. At that moment all I could think of was all the assholes in corporate America who's ever crossed the line and asked a senior woman to do something degrading AS FVCK. Get them lunch. Get their cleaning. All the shit u poor women did in the 70s and 80s for overbearing assholes who don't believe a woman is there for any purpose other than to support them. So in 2017, even as women run companies (Meg Whitman) and countries (Angela Merkel), a senior woman at my firm asked if she could sew my pants. What I said: "thank you Susan but I'm good, I can sew!!" What I should have said: "SUSAN - NOT ONLY DO YOU NOT NEED TO SEW MY PANTS - BUT IF ANY MAN EVER ASKS YOU TO SEW SOMETHING EVER AGAIN - WHETHER A SHIRT OR DRESS PANTS FULL OF HIS BUTTSWEAT - COME SEE ME SO HE COULD GET THESE MOTHERFUCKING HANDS." Ya get me! Bless up 😍😂😂😂
Save