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Being Alone, Crying, and Dude: thejorie: xilast-zurvifferman: thejorie: jackbecq: thejorie: 19leahjade96: thejorie: madamekagamine: thejorie: gccgrimm: thejorie: gucciballs: thejorie: peble: thejorie: My three girlfriends.And yes, they smoke weed. do they smoke weed? Yes, actually. you mean she isnt just smoking a cigarette? but a weed cigarette? It’s called a bunt…. Not weed cigarette… And yes, it is a weed bunt. They all smoke weed bunts before we kiss. (They are my girlfriends,) They don’t look like they smoke weed. Fuck You.Fuck You.Fuck You.Fuck You.Fuck You.Fuck You.Fuck You.Fuck You.Fuck You.Fuck You.Fuck You.Fuck You.I’m so angry you are so lucky my three weed smorking girlfriends are rubbing my shoulders to calm me down I’m so mad. Your “weed smoking girlfriend” has a Hello Kitty tattoo on her belly. The one in the middle. I printed out a photo of your avatar and taped it to my punching bag that I punch and I mutter your URL with every strong punch I punch you twerp…. Don’t ever Talk about Blaiz or the wicked Tat(tattoo) I drew on her ever again I Don’t wanna see you standing outside my home at 3 am holding your weird dripping brown bags ever again ok leave us alone this is the FINAL FUCKING WARNING  Well that escalated quickly…… What, was that? Hmm? Come again. *Blaiz grabs my shoulder* Come on Jory, they aren’t worth it, please. * I jerk my shoulder shaking her hand off* NO! NOOOOO!!! *starts to just pummel you with my big fucking fists. With each blow I let out a furious yell. The blows come quicker and harder and the yells get louder. I’m yelling so loud and now I’m crying. BREAKING POINT. The week was hard and I can’t take anymore. I’m opening sobbing at this point while you blood gurgle. All three of my girlfriends struggle to pull me off and they finally succeed and lead me away from the goo pile that is now your body* haha oh my god who even is this dude? someone needs some anger management classes. love how he keeps reminding us that “I HAVE THREE GIRLFRIENDS”, “THEY ALL KISS ME”, and “THEY SMOKE WEED HURRP DURR”. and let’s not forget the “Blaiz” and her “wicked tat”, or that he doesn’t “wanna see you standing outside [his] home at 3 am holding your weird dripping brown bags ever again”, and that this is “the FINAL FUCKING WARNING”. “the goo pile that is now your body” i’m dying over here, jesus please, Jory, come challenge me to a bout of internet witticsisms; i promise, it’ll be fun. *shoots you dead* Heh, idiot…*leaves with my three weed smorking girlfriends to go hold hands and kiss.* this dude playin omg  Come again? *The bar falls silent. No one dares to make a sound, as you have just said a very poor choice of words at a very dangerous time. I remain slumped over the bar, not looking back to you. One hand limply holding an almost empty bottle, the other hand cradling my head. I repeat the question, this time louder.* Come again?! *You can hear me slur the words, the sentence sounds like a real struggle for me to get out. I’m clearly intoxicated. A bead of sweat rolls down your face as you realize you might have just fucked up in a very major way. Everyone else in the bar is pretending to not notice what is going on. The bartender idly washes a mug with a cloth. His eyes are closed and he’s muttering something to himself. A handful of people hurriedly leave. One person looks back at you, a look of sorrow on their face. They almost say something, but shake their head and cast their eyes down to the floor, and leave. But not you. You stand, petrified. A quick look at me reveals I’m still  at the bar. You look to the exit, there’s still time. But there’s not, there’s not, there’s not. Your fate was sealed the moment you opened your mouth.* Mother fuck.. what did you say?! *I slowly rise from my stool and being to lumber over to you.  I look a mess. My hair is unkempt, I haven’t shaved in what looks like months, there are dark heavy bags under my eyes, my shirt is stained and has holes in it, and I’m missing a shoe. But the main thing you notice is the gun tucked into my jeans, and my massive muscle arms that look like they were made for punching. You know that song about the boots that were made for walking? Yeah, it’s like that only instead of boots it’s my muscles and instead of walking it’s punching. As I drunkenly sway over to you, you think of your family… Will they mourn you, or will they try and forget this blotch of stupidity, that their child insulted the Jory publicly, ever happened to their family? Your thoughts are cut short as I now stand face to face with you. I grab your face and pull you even closer.* Playin?! There was nothing playing… no playing you fuck. No playing… it was real.. the realest thing I’ve ever know.. felt… Love. I loved them… Blaiz…. Chas-Chas… Funk… I loved all three of em… but they…*My face is wet with tears and I’m blinking constantly in vain to hold them back.* They left me… left… *Almost instantly the sadness leaves my face and is replaced with pure anger.* Playin? Playin?! *My hand leaves your face and starts to head to what you think is the gun. You close your eyes and see God looking at you, shrugging. ‘Pft, you brought this upon yourself dude.’ He says as he waves his hands at you dismissively. But instead of the gun, my hands grab yours. Your eyes jolt open and the anger is gone from my face. There is only sadness.* Left me… * I fall to the floor and sob.*Wow, grow up. *You say before you leave the bar but are hit almost immediately from a car and are killed upon impact.*
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Bae, Booty, and Dumb: Mason, 23 34 miles away *I'm not looking for a hook up* I'm somewhere between Christian Grey and Jay Gatsby (so they say). Can I rub my hands through your hair and play with the booty on the first date? Or should we keep it vative and fu the bathroom CO or the foo sus. not a X she lived for nights thick with lust and romance and wine and naked kisses. mason fowler Mason, 23 34 miles away *I'm not looking for a hook up* I'm somewhere between Christian Grey and Jay Gatsby (so they say). Can I rub my hands through your hair and play with the booty on the first date? Or should we keep it vative and fu the bathroom CO or the foo sus. not a X Mason, 23 34 miles away I'm not looking for a hook up* I'm somewhere between Christian Grey and Jay Gatsby (so they say). Can I rub my hands through your hair and play with the booty on the first date? Or should we keep it conservative and fuck in the bathroom while we wait for the food? Oh Jesus, not another douche bag scrolling Tinder, or am I? Calm your tits and laugh ladies. Tinder can be fun. Truthfully, looking for a cool chick. Let's go be smooth criminals together. Sc: Mason-Fowler P.S. I'm 6'3" 219 Instagram Photos Something Bae Por Onge 1y at the feet of bed and whet shoald the complexity of s woman's desire for love then sex then lave all seems too mach at tines and I have to go avay or else ny soul will surrender piece by piece and then who puts the puzsle together? do they uae gluer tarest the oathnees or r le d have nothin X melgearsolid: cyberstripper: i’m literally screaming right now imagine being so full of yourself you take artsy photos of your own dumb quotes
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Children, Confused, and Fucking: 9%D ooo Sprint LTE 3:20 PM Q Search So I took the wife out to dinner last night, and we have always talked about doing this. You put 5 singles out on the table at the beginning of dinner for the waiter/ waitress to see. (Don't say anything to them) if they mess up, you take a dollar away, and so on. At the end of dinner, how ever much is left, is their tip. I shit you not, you will receive the best service of your life. The waitress Kept looking at it as if she was confused. But she played her cards right, did a great job and received the whole 5 bucks. I did take away a dollar tho bec she forget the bread, but she bounced back and gave us extra. Haha all in all a great evening with my love and a good dinner experiment we both wanted to see play out. Try it, you will be surprised! AD LSa26665 39172063 Write a comment... Post thebibliosphere: yuleagin-nova: sidewalkwitch: hotbully: swamp: diasporagirl: i’d take the cash and spit in their drinks I fucking hate customers like this Also unless you’re just getting like a few drinks, five is a shitty tip. Honestly if I knew beforehand that the max tip u were gonna give me would be five bucks you’d get the most minimal degree of service I could provide. Don’t do this. This is the most disrespectful thing on earth. “We have always talked about doing this. Boy honey wouldn’t it be fun to taunt the person likely making below minimum wage who is already expending far more emotional labor on winning our approval than we’ll ever show our own children. What if we just left money out on the table, just to watch them sing and dance for our sense of gratification and take a dollar away for every time they don’t sit back and clap like a performing seal. Boy I sure do love being a shitstain on the underpants of humanity.”
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Dogs, Fall, and Family: If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because man, they're gone theoreticalconstruct: truestoriesaboutme: resting-meme-face: is this Dark Water? This is a Jack Handey quote, actually. People talk about certain writers shitposting before shitposting was a thing, but Jack Handey practically invented shitposting. He wrote these short nonsense one liners and they published them in the National Lampoon and played them on SNL in the 90s. There’s a shit ton of them and they all sound like shitposts. Here’s just a few: “I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don’t just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.” “Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It’s a shark riding on an elephant’s back, just trampling and eating everything they see.” “To me, it’s always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, “Hey, can you give me a hand?,” you can say, “Sorry, got these sacks.“” “If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I’d say Flippy, wouldn’t you? You’d be wrong, though. It’s Hambone.” “I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale.  They look and look, but you know what?  They never find him.  And you know why they never find him?  It doesn’t say.  The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide.  Then, at the very end, there’s a page you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid.” “If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?  We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.” “If you’re an ant, and you’re walking along across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of that pudding skin” “I wish I lived on a planet that had two suns—regular sun and “rogue” sun. That way, when somebody asked me what time it was, I’d say, “Regular time?” And they’d say, “Yeah.”  And I’d say, “Sorry, all I have is rogue time.”  It’d be fun to be a stuck-up rogue-time guy.” “If you’re a cowboy, and you’re dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.” “I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you’re having a good idea but it’s just eggs hatching.” “If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it’s okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks.  But ONLY if you’re serious about adopting the vulture.” “If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.” “We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients.  But we can’t scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.” There were so many of these, and they were all hilarious. Still are. “It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.” “The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.” “I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.”   “Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.” “The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we’d all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I’m not sure where we’d go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called “Dad.” We’d eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.”
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