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youmakemelikecharity: rock-moms: vastderp: gaybuttfuckzone: deltasniper1000: So someone in a group asked me to tell them why I hate the ocean sunfish so much, and apparently it was ~too mean~ and was deleted. To perpetuate the truth and stand up for ethical journalism, I’m posting it here. [Rated NC-17 for language.] Disclaimer, I care about marine life more than I care about anything else, for real. Except this big dumb idiot. And it’s not like an ~ironic~ thing, I mean it IS hilarious to me and they ARE THE BIGGEST JOKE PLAYED ON EARTH but I seriously fucking hate them. THE MOLA MOLA FISH (OR OCEAN SUNFISH) They are the world’s largest boney fish, weighing up to 5,000 pounds. And since they have very little girth, that just makes them these absolutely giant fucking dinner plates that God must have accidentally dropped while washing dishes one day and shrugged his shoulders at because no one could have imagined this would happen. AND WITH NO PURPOSE. EVERY POUND OF THAT IS A WASTED POUND AND EVERY FOOT OF IT (10 FT BY 14 FT) IS WASTED SPACE. They are so completely useless that scientists even debate about how they move. They have little control other than some minor wiggling. Some say they must just push water out of their mouths for direction (?????). They COULD use their back fin EXCEPT GUESS WHAT IT DOESNT FUCKING GROW. It just continually folds in on itself, so the freaking cells are being made, this piece of floating garbage just doesn’t put them where they need to fucking go. So they don’t have swim bladders. You know, the one thing that every fish has to make sure it doesn’t just sink to the bottom of the ocean when they stop moving and can stay the right side up. This creature. That can barely move to begin with. Can never stop its continuous tour of idiocy across the ocean or it’ll fucking sink. EXCEPT. EXCEPT. When they get stuck on top of the water! Which happens frequently! Because without the whole swim bladder thing, if the ocean pushes over THE THINNEST BUT LARGEST MOST TOPPLE-ABLE FISH ON THE PLANET, shit outta luck! There is no creature on this earth that needs a swim bladder more than this spit in the face of nature, AND YET. Some scientists have speculated that when they do that, they are absorbing energy from the sun because no one fucking knows how they manage to get any real energy to begin with. So they need the sun I guess. But good news, when they end up stuck like that, it gives birds a chance to land on their goddamn island of a body and eat the bugs and parasites out of its skin because it’s basically a slowly migrating cesspool. Pros and cons. “If they are so huge, they must at least be decent predators.” No. No. The most dangerous thing about them is, as you may have guessed, their stupidity. They have caused the death of one person before. Because it jumped onto a boat. On a human. And in 2005 it decided to relive its mighty glory days and do it again, this time landing on a four-year-old boy. Luckily Byron sustained no injuries. Way to go, fish. Great job. They mostly only eat jellyfish because of course they do, they could only eat something that has no brain and a possibility of drifting into their mouths I guess. Everything they do eat has almost zero nutritional value and because it’s so stupidly fucking big, it has to eat a ton of the almost no nutritional value stuff to stay alive. Dumb. See that ridiculous open mouth? (This is actually why this is my favorite picture of one, and I have had it saved to my phone for three years) “Oh no! What could have happened! How could this be!” Do not let that expression fool you, they just don’t have the goddamn ability to close their mouths because their teeth are fused together, and ya know what, it is good it floats around with such a clueless expression on its face, because it is in fact clueless as all fuck. They do SOMETIMES get eaten though. BUT HARDLY. No animal truly uses them as a food source, but instead (which has lead us to said photo) will usually just maim the fuck out of them for kicks. Seals have been seen playing with their fins like frisbees. Probably the most useful thing to ever come from them. “Wow, you raise some good points here, this fish truly is proof that God has abandoned us.” Yes, thank you. “But if they’re so bad at literally everything, why haven’t they gone extinct.” Great question. BECAUSE THIS THING IS SO WORTHLESS IT DOESNT REALIZE IT SHOULD NOT EXIST. IT IS SO UNAWARE OF LITERALLY FUCKING EVERYTHING THAT IT DOESNT REALIZE THAT IT’S DOING MAYBE THE WORST FUCKING JOB OF BEING A FISH, OR DEBATABLY THE WORST JOB OF BEING A CLUSTER OF CELLS THAN ANY OTHER CLUSTER OF CELLS. SO WHAT DOES IT DO? IT LAYS THE MOST EGGS OUT OF EVERYTHING. Besides some bugs, there are some ants and stuff that’ll lay more. IT WILL LAY 300 MILLION EGGS AT ONE TIME. 300,000,000. IT SURVIVES BECAUSE IT WOULD BE STATISTICALLY IMPROBABLE, DARE I SAY IMPOSSIBLE, THAT THERE WOULDNT BE AT LEAST ONE OF THOSE 300,000,000 (that is EACH time they lay eggs) LEFT SURVIVING AT THE END OF THE DAY. And this concludes why I hate the fuck out of this complete failure of evolution, the Ocean Sunfish. If I ever see one, I will throw rocks at it. LIVE OCEAN SUNFISH UPDATE: FISH DISCOVERED TO BE MORE DUMB THAN PREVIOUSLY THOUGHTSo the top and bottom fins kind of wiggle all of the time and they are not sure exactly why but think it’s stabilization. BUT they can jump by turning on their side and using them as wing type things. It is suspected they do this as a way of “scratching” their parasite ridden bodies. So learning that I was like “huh okay they have a skill.” Then I discovered this: Since they are so terrible at swimming, the current will carry them into deep cold water. Then they die. So I have learned that they are so stupid they just get slowly consumed by a freezing death. All while they have the full ability for that to not happen. Because they’re fucking worthless floating garbage i read this out loud to my marine bio nerd friend and she agrees be nice to them they’re doing their best :( : ORihad Herrma M S youmakemelikecharity: rock-moms: vastderp: gaybuttfuckzone: deltasniper1000: So someone in a group asked me to tell them why I hate the ocean sunfish so much, and apparently it was ~too mean~ and was deleted. To perpetuate the truth and stand up for ethical journalism, I’m posting it here. [Rated NC-17 for language.] Disclaimer, I care about marine life more than I care about anything else, for real. Except this big dumb idiot. And it’s not like an ~ironic~ thing, I mean it IS hilarious to me and they ARE THE BIGGEST JOKE PLAYED ON EARTH but I seriously fucking hate them. THE MOLA MOLA FISH (OR OCEAN SUNFISH) They are the world’s largest boney fish, weighing up to 5,000 pounds. And since they have very little girth, that just makes them these absolutely giant fucking dinner plates that God must have accidentally dropped while washing dishes one day and shrugged his shoulders at because no one could have imagined this would happen. AND WITH NO PURPOSE. EVERY POUND OF THAT IS A WASTED POUND AND EVERY FOOT OF IT (10 FT BY 14 FT) IS WASTED SPACE. They are so completely useless that scientists even debate about how they move. They have little control other than some minor wiggling. Some say they must just push water out of their mouths for direction (?????). They COULD use their back fin EXCEPT GUESS WHAT IT DOESNT FUCKING GROW. It just continually folds in on itself, so the freaking cells are being made, this piece of floating garbage just doesn’t put them where they need to fucking go. So they don’t have swim bladders. You know, the one thing that every fish has to make sure it doesn’t just sink to the bottom of the ocean when they stop moving and can stay the right side up. This creature. That can barely move to begin with. Can never stop its continuous tour of idiocy across the ocean or it’ll fucking sink. EXCEPT. EXCEPT. When they get stuck on top of the water! Which happens frequently! Because without the whole swim bladder thing, if the ocean pushes over THE THINNEST BUT LARGEST MOST TOPPLE-ABLE FISH ON THE PLANET, shit outta luck! There is no creature on this earth that needs a swim bladder more than this spit in the face of nature, AND YET. Some scientists have speculated that when they do that, they are absorbing energy from the sun because no one fucking knows how they manage to get any real energy to begin with. So they need the sun I guess. But good news, when they end up stuck like that, it gives birds a chance to land on their goddamn island of a body and eat the bugs and parasites out of its skin because it’s basically a slowly migrating cesspool. Pros and cons. “If they are so huge, they must at least be decent predators.” No. No. The most dangerous thing about them is, as you may have guessed, their stupidity. They have caused the death of one person before. Because it jumped onto a boat. On a human. And in 2005 it decided to relive its mighty glory days and do it again, this time landing on a four-year-old boy. Luckily Byron sustained no injuries. Way to go, fish. Great job. They mostly only eat jellyfish because of course they do, they could only eat something that has no brain and a possibility of drifting into their mouths I guess. Everything they do eat has almost zero nutritional value and because it’s so stupidly fucking big, it has to eat a ton of the almost no nutritional value stuff to stay alive. Dumb. See that ridiculous open mouth? (This is actually why this is my favorite picture of one, and I have had it saved to my phone for three years) “Oh no! What could have happened! How could this be!” Do not let that expression fool you, they just don’t have the goddamn ability to close their mouths because their teeth are fused together, and ya know what, it is good it floats around with such a clueless expression on its face, because it is in fact clueless as all fuck. They do SOMETIMES get eaten though. BUT HARDLY. No animal truly uses them as a food source, but instead (which has lead us to said photo) will usually just maim the fuck out of them for kicks. Seals have been seen playing with their fins like frisbees. Probably the most useful thing to ever come from them. “Wow, you raise some good points here, this fish truly is proof that God has abandoned us.” Yes, thank you. “But if they’re so bad at literally everything, why haven’t they gone extinct.” Great question. BECAUSE THIS THING IS SO WORTHLESS IT DOESNT REALIZE IT SHOULD NOT EXIST. IT IS SO UNAWARE OF LITERALLY FUCKING EVERYTHING THAT IT DOESNT REALIZE THAT IT’S DOING MAYBE THE WORST FUCKING JOB OF BEING A FISH, OR DEBATABLY THE WORST JOB OF BEING A CLUSTER OF CELLS THAN ANY OTHER CLUSTER OF CELLS. SO WHAT DOES IT DO? IT LAYS THE MOST EGGS OUT OF EVERYTHING. Besides some bugs, there are some ants and stuff that’ll lay more. IT WILL LAY 300 MILLION EGGS AT ONE TIME. 300,000,000. IT SURVIVES BECAUSE IT WOULD BE STATISTICALLY IMPROBABLE, DARE I SAY IMPOSSIBLE, THAT THERE WOULDNT BE AT LEAST ONE OF THOSE 300,000,000 (that is EACH time they lay eggs) LEFT SURVIVING AT THE END OF THE DAY. And this concludes why I hate the fuck out of this complete failure of evolution, the Ocean Sunfish. If I ever see one, I will throw rocks at it. LIVE OCEAN SUNFISH UPDATE: FISH DISCOVERED TO BE MORE DUMB THAN PREVIOUSLY THOUGHTSo the top and bottom fins kind of wiggle all of the time and they are not sure exactly why but think it’s stabilization. BUT they can jump by turning on their side and using them as wing type things. It is suspected they do this as a way of “scratching” their parasite ridden bodies. So learning that I was like “huh okay they have a skill.” Then I discovered this: Since they are so terrible at swimming, the current will carry them into deep cold water. Then they die. So I have learned that they are so stupid they just get slowly consumed by a freezing death. All while they have the full ability for that to not happen. Because they’re fucking worthless floating garbage i read this out loud to my marine bio nerd friend and she agrees be nice to them they’re doing their best :(
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Gotta have passion: someone in a group asked me to tell them why I hate the ocean sunfish so deleted. To perpetuate the truth and stand I care about anything else, for real. Except this big dumb idiot. And it's not like an~ironic thing, I mean it IS hilarious to me and they ARE THE BIGGEST JOKE PLAYED ON EARTH but I seriously fucking hate them. THE MOLA MOLA FISH (OR OCEAN SUNFISH) They are the worlds largest boney fish, weighing up to 5,000 pounds. And since they have very little girth, that just makes them these absolutely giant fucking dinner plates that God must have accidentally dropped while washing dishes one day and shrugged imagined this would happen. AND WITH NO PURPOSE. EVERY POUND OF THAT ISA WASTED POUND AND EVERY FOOT OF IT (10 are so completely useless that scientists even debate about how they move. They have little control other than some minor wiggling. Some say they must just push water out COULD use their back fin EXCEPT GUESS cells are being made, this piece of floating So they don't have swim bladders. You know the one thing that every fish has to make sure it doesn't just sink to the bottom of the acean when they stop moving and can stay the right side up. This creature. That can move to begin with. Can never stop its t'll fucking sink EXCEPT. EXCEPT. When they get stuck on top of the waterl Which happens frequentlyl Because without the whole swim THINNEST BUT LARGEST MOST TOPPLE ABLE FISH ON THE PLANET, shit outta luck! There is no creature on this earth that needs a swim bladder more than this spit in the face of nature, AND YET. Some scientists have speculated that when they do that, they are absorbing energy from the sun because no one fucking knows how they manage to get any real energy to begin with. So they need the sun I guess. But good news, when they end up stuck like that, it gives birds a chance to land on their goddamn island of a body and eat the bugs and parasites out of its skin because it's basically a slowly migrating cesspool. Pros be decent predators. No. No. The most dangerous thing about them is, as you may have guessed, their stupidity. They have caused the death of one person before. And in 2005 it decided to relive its mighty glory days and do it again, this time landing on a four-year-old boy. Luckily Byron sustained no They mostly only eat jellyfish because of course they do, they could only eat something that has no brain and a possibility of do eat has almost zero nutritional value and because it's so stupidly fucking big it has to eat a ton of the almost no nutritional value stuff to stay alive. Dumb. See that ridiculous n mouth? (This is actually why this is my favorite picture of one, and I have had it saved to my phone for three years) "Oh nol What could have happened! How could this bel Do not let that expression fool you, they just don't have the goddamn ability to close heir mouths because their teeth are fused together, and ya know what, it is good it floats around with such a clueless expression on its face, because it is in fact clueless as all fuck. HARDLY. No animal truly uses them asa source, but instead (which has lead us to said photo) will usually just maim the fuck out of them for kicks. Seals have been seen playing with their fins like frisbees. Probably the most fish truly is proof that God has abandoned us." Yes, thank you. "But if they're so bad at literally everything, why haven't they gone IT DOESNT REALIZE IT SHOULD NOT EXIST, IT IS SO UNAWARE OF LITERALLY FUCKING EVERYTHING THAT IT DOESNT REALIZE THAT IT'S DOING MAYBE THE WORST FUCKING JOB OF BEING A FISH OR DEBATABLY THE WORST JOB OF BEING A CLUSTER OF CELLS THAN ANY OTHER CLUSTER OF CELLS. SO WHAT DOES IT DO? IT LAYS THE MOST EGGS OUT OF EVERYTHING. Besides some bugs, there are some ants and stuff that'll lay more. IT WILL LAY 300 MILLION EGGS AT ONE TIME, 300,000,000 IT SURVIVES BECAUSE T WOULD BE STATISTICALLY IMPROBABLE DARE I SAY IMPOSSIBLE, THAT THER WOULDNT BE AT LEAST ONE OF THOSE 300,000,000 (that is EACH time they lay eggs) LEFT SURVIVING AT THE END OF THE DAY And this cancludes why I hate the fuck out af this complete failure of evolution, the Ocean Sunfish. If I ever see one, I will throw rocks at LIVE OCEAN SUNFISH UPDATE: FISH DISCOVERED TO BE MORE DUMB THAN So the top and bottom fins kind of wiggle all of the time and they are not sure exactly why but think it's stabilization. BUT they can jump by turning on their side and using them as wing type things. It is suspected they do this bodies. So leaming that I was like huh okay Then I discovered this: Since they are so terrible at swimming, the current will carry have learned that they are so stupid they just while they have the full ability for that to nat r. Then they die. So l i read this out laud to my marine bio nerd Gotta have passion
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stainedclass2112: aubscares: thewordriven: Shakespeare Insult Kit… If you’re looking for something a bit creative for your insults. you frothy, fly-bitten pigeon-egg All of these are funny, but none of them compare to being called “daggy butt-wrench” by an Australian. : Shakespeare Insult Kit To create a Shakespearean insult... Combine one word from each of the three columns below, prefaced with "Thou" : Column 1 Column 2 Column 3 apple-john baggage barnacle bladder boar-pig bugbear bum-bailey canker-blossom artless base-court bat-fowling bawdy beslubbering beef-witted bootless beetle-headed churlish boil-brained cockered clouted clapper-clawed clay-brained common-kissing crook-pated dismal-dreaming dizzy-eyed doghearted craven currish dankish clack-dish clotpole сохсоmb dissembling droning codpiece death-token dread-bolted errant fawning fobbing froward earth-vexing dewberry elf-skinned flap-dragon fat-kidneyed fen-sucked flax-wench flirt-gill frothy gleeking goatish gorbellied impertinent infectious jarring loggerheaded lumpish mammering mangled mewling paunchy pribbling puking flap-mouthed fly-bitten folly-fallen fool-born foot-licker fustilarian giglet gudgeon haggard harpy hedge-pig full-gorged guts-griping half-faced hasty-witted hedge-born horn-beast hugger-mugger joithead hell-hated idle-headed lewdster ill-breeding lout ill-nurtured maggot-pie malt-worm knotty-pated milk-livered mammet puny motley-minded onion-eyed plume-plucked pottle-deep qualling measle minnow rank reeky roguish ruttish miscreant moldwarp mumble-news pox-marked reeling-ripe rough-hewn rude-growing rump-fed shard-borne nut-hook saucy spleeny pigeon-egg pignut puttock pumpion ratsbane spongy surly tottering unmuzzled sheep-biting spur-galled swag-bellied tardy-gaited tickle-brained vain scut skainsmater venomed villainous warped wayward weedy strumpet varlot toad-spotted vassal whey-face wagtail unchin-snouted weather-bitten yeasty stainedclass2112: aubscares: thewordriven: Shakespeare Insult Kit… If you’re looking for something a bit creative for your insults. you frothy, fly-bitten pigeon-egg All of these are funny, but none of them compare to being called “daggy butt-wrench” by an Australian. 

stainedclass2112: aubscares: thewordriven: Shakespeare Insult Kit… If you’re looking for something a bit creative for your insults. y...

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Beer 101: BEER TROUBLESHOOTING SYMPTOM FAULT ACTION Glass being held at Rotate glass so that Feet cold and wet. open end points toward ceiling Stand nextto. pearestdog, complain ahout incorrect angle Improper bladder control. Feet warm and wet. Beer unusually pale and tasteless. Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. Mouth contains cigarette butts Get someone to buy you another beer. Glass empty You have fallen over Have yourself backward leashed to bar. You have fallen forward See above. Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. Mouth not.open, orRetire to restroom, practice in mirror. glass applied to wrong part of face. You are looking through bottom of Get someone to buy you another beer. Floor blurred. empty glass. g Floor moving. You are being carried Find out if you are being takento another bar. Confirm home address with bartender. out Room seems unusually dark Bar has closed. Taxi suddenty takesB Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. on colorful aspect and textures. Everyone looks up to you and smiles. Cover mouth. You are dancing on Fall on somebody the table. cushy-looking. Punch him. Apologize to just in case it was It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up Beer is crystal-clear. Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear You have been in aeveryone you see, fight. them. Dont recognize You've wandered into See if they have free anyone, don't recognize the room your're in. Your singing sounds distorted. Don't remember the words to the song. the wrong party beer Have more beer until your voice impr oves Play air guitar. The beer is too weak. Beer is just right. Beer 101

Beer 101

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1pint: maybethings: defira85: neko-shadow: ow ow owowowowow puns hurt I am going to send every one of these to my brother one text message at a time and see how furious he is by the time he gets home Grooooooooooooooooooan Omg : Punography I tried to catch some Fog. I mist. PMS jokes aren't funny. Period. When chemists die, they barium. Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz. A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime. I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. on me. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me. How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it! This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me! They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. Broken pencils are pointless. 1pint: maybethings: defira85: neko-shadow: ow ow owowowowow puns hurt I am going to send every one of these to my brother one text message at a time and see how furious he is by the time he gets home Grooooooooooooooooooan Omg

1pint: maybethings: defira85: neko-shadow: ow ow owowowowow puns hurt I am going to send every one of these to my brother one text m...

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1pint: maybethings: defira85: neko-shadow: ow ow owowowowow puns hurt I am going to send every one of these to my brother one text message at a time and see how furious he is by the time he gets home Grooooooooooooooooooan Omg : Punography I tried to catch some Fog. I mist. PMS jokes aren't funny. Period. When chemists die, they barium. Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz. A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime. I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. on me. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me. How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it! This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me! They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. Broken pencils are pointless. 1pint: maybethings: defira85: neko-shadow: ow ow owowowowow puns hurt I am going to send every one of these to my brother one text message at a time and see how furious he is by the time he gets home Grooooooooooooooooooan Omg

1pint: maybethings: defira85: neko-shadow: ow ow owowowowow puns hurt I am going to send every one of these to my brother one text m...

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