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Bless Up, Dude, and Gym: These doggos are true bros until the end of time @DrSmashlove Reddit u/beesbuzzlots Every time I’m at the gym bruv it’s at least one “golf bro” there. U know this dude because he be doing oddly specific asf workouts 🤔. Oddly specific stretches. Arm swings that vaguely resemble a golf swing. But the key giveaway that Chadwick is a certified golf bro is he rocking that Titleist brand cap. U feel me? Like that’s him saying: “u peasants are here to look big in a t-shirt. I lift so I can add 10 yards to my drive ☺️.” (Side note I’ve been golfing for two years now bc I have to (for work) and the reason I do it rarely is bc u have to put in hours every wknd to yield modest improvements in ya game and I got better things to do on wknds like look at memes and take depression naps 🤗😂). Now then. Seeing all these Titleist caps got me thinking: Why isn’t this a word? Like this should be a thing. “Susan if I do say so myself you are looking delightfully Titlè today. Oh of course! No I mean it! Just fulsome and perky. Are you on your red river by chance(?) Yes? How did I guess? LOL you’re silly Susan. Just a wild premonition ☺️. Have an awesome day ❤️.” U feel me? “Erica! My goodness! U are looking Titlèier than I’ve ever seen before. That bathing suit can barely hold you lol! No, thank YOU! Your Titlèiness has made this trip to the pool absolutely worth my while!” U feel me? Like how could someone feel offended by being called Titlè? It’s such a delicate, gracious word! “Samantha I’m gonna be frank. You know I have zero filter LOL so here goes - bombs away ☺️. I’ve dated some wonderfully Titlè women before. Really. Just shapely and awesome. But you’re the Titlèist. Yes. YES. Don’t debate me on this SAMANTHA 😂. No YOU stop! Oh now you’re blushing ... LIKE NOBODY’S EVER CALLED YOU TITLÈ BEFORE I MEAN YOU’RE WEARING A SHEER TOP IT’S NOT LIKE YOU’RE TRYING TO HIDE YOUR TITLÈIOSITY 😂.” Titlèism = the study of mammaries. Titlèness = an abundance of mammarical wondrousness. U feel me? It’s 2018. Let’s make this a word. BLESS UP 😍😂😂😂 (pic: @gamzeilefelix)

Every time I’m at the gym bruv it’s at least one “golf bro” there. U know this dude because he be doing oddly specific asf workouts 🤔. Oddly...

Bless Up, Booty, and Christmas: Picked up this little girl today. I never knew something so cute could have such horrendous farts @DrSmashlove Reddit u/thecasquatch Shout to u ladies bruv I see u. Pink nikes. Black yoga pants with the strategically placed sheer cutouts. Oversized coat. Dripping wet hair. Scurrying back to the office at 12:58 pm. Stinkin. Just sweatily stinking up a storm baby girl u are appreciated 🤤. See me in the lobby I’m holding the elevator door looking at u and u like “OMG smash I stink LOL!! I’ll take the next one!” No the eff u won’t 🤗😂. This is Christmas in Ferrurary. 🎅🏼 Christmas in March. 🎄 U feel me? “Don’t be silly lol! All aboard 😁.” I inhale inaudibly thru my nose and let out a small, very small like dis big 👌 pip squeak cough ... “damn! Sinuses lol...CAN A BROTHER GET SOME CLARITIN IN HERE 😤” (c) Key and Peele 😂. Ain no damn sinuses bruv. I just had to get that one wondrous serene low key whiff of pure mid Day booty sweat 🍑💦 . U could had taken a few minutes to shower. But u didn’t. U didn’t for all of us - witcha nastass 😍😂. Now u perfuming the elevator before returning to ya office to put clothes and heels back on. Again I thank u. Mid day work doldrums can be heavy but an elevator full of yoga pant booty stench, like an Umbria espresso chased by a bubbly water, awakens the senses and enlivens the loins 😍. And before u ladies attack me for being a freak first of all bish YES I AM 😂. Second of all not long ago a ting was taking a vigorous ride on Le Pony like the Ginuwine song when, half a minute prior to busting, she buried her face in my underarm and bounced-clapped Le Chèéks vigorously on mine Peepington and I’m like “wha?” And she said in that deep, satanic I’m-bout-to-buss voice “DONNNNT STOPPPP 🐲👹👺” and she let loose the waterfall harder than I had theretofore experienced and at that moment it dawned on me: Le Stínk is a gift from God (among many) visited upon humankind to bring us back to our animalistic senses. Back to the jungle. U feel me? Amazonian type isht. Embrace Le Stínk. U an me baby ain’t nothing but mammals. So let’s do it how they do on the discovery channel BLESS UP 🤤😍😂

Shout to u ladies bruv I see u. Pink nikes. Black yoga pants with the strategically placed sheer cutouts. Oversized coat. Dripping wet hair....

America, Bad, and Bless Up: Woke up to this. He isn't allowed on the bed so he kept his hind legs on the floor. Reddit u/AndThatsAllSheWrote @DrSmashlove Ladies and gentlemen I gotta speak on something right quick before this become a epidemic. We need to collectively hold hands as Americans and address this issue. In the airport security line today I done seen not one. Not two. Not een three. FOUR young tings wearing the following outfit: colorful Crocs or Birkenstocks. Colorful a$$ socks. Black tights. Big baggy a$$ t shirt. No makeup. Hair disheveled. Not like a bird’s nest bc that could be a look, nah. Like someone had cocked a shotgun and SHOT a bird’s nest - “Smash, who would SHOOT a bird’s nest?” - EXACTLY - who would have this hair style in a public place?! 😂 Now u gon say, well it was probably early morning, what do u expect. NAH. TWO PM IN THE MF AFTERNOON 😂. Now it wouldn’t had been bad but then u got these lil tings flying back to Latin America unpacking they carry on full of Reese’s, M+M’s, Pringles, XBOX controllers and other gifts for people back home. These ladies dressed like they going to a fancy dinner bruv! Same age group! Lil nice pair of loafers, slim jeans, lil sportcoat, lil Louis Bag. Dignified! U feel me? Like the rich kid in ya high school like how his sexy mama dressed lmao u feel me? Like that! Side note: how everyone in Peru and Panama got a Louis canvas that Louis canvas ISPURNSIVE! Not expensive but like 2 chain and yo Gotti say ISPURNSIVE LMAO! Now u gon say “WELL AMERICAN GIRLS ARE CASUAL SMASH WHAT DO U EXPECT THIS ISN’T SOUTH AMERICA U WANT A SOUTH AMERICAN WOMAN THEN GO TO SOUTH AMERICA OL ENRIQUE IGLESIAS LOOKIN A$$. RICKY MARTIN SHIRT UNBUTTONED TO YA BELLY BUTTON...LOOKIN A$$.” Chill. U ain’t have to lump me with Ricky Ricardo for making a observation. I’m just saying it’s ladies dressing like grow folk and it’s ladies dressing like they headed to a fifth grade slumber party IF U AIN’T IN FIFTH GRADE ANY MORE U AIN GOTTA DRESS LIKE A FIFTH GRADER. IT’S HIGHER GRADES NOW LOL. YOUR FOREIGN COUNTERPARTS ARE DRESSING LIKE THEY GETTING A MBA DEGREE I’M JUST LETTING U KNOW. GO HEAD ROAST ME NOW. I’M JUST SAYING BAN THIS CANCER OF AN OUTFIT BEFORE IT GET TRACTION BLESS UP 😂😂😂

Ladies and gentlemen I gotta speak on something right quick before this become a epidemic. We need to collectively hold hands as Americans a...

Bless Up, Children, and Fall: This dog lives beside my sister's school he drops by and waits patiently for the kids to pet him. @DrSmashlove Reddit u/seanc90 Nicholas Dworet was a handsome young man with a wonderful smile who was going to swim at the University of Indianapolis. He won’t be swimming at Indy this fall because he was shot and killed in the Parkland shooting. Scott Beigel was a geography teacher. He taught kids in Florida about the world beyond them. He won’t be teaching children any more because he was shot and killed ushering students into a classroom - we know that because Kelsey Friend, one of his students, tearfully stated that he saved her life. Aaron Feis, a football coach, ran TOWARD the bullets to save his students - shot and killed - we know this on the authority of Colton Haab, a 17 year old student who witnessed all of it. Joaquin Oliver migrated from Venezuela at age 3 to have a better life here. He just got his citizenship last year. His friends called him “Guac”. Shot and killed attending school. Alyssa Alhadeff. Martin Duque Anguiano. Jaime Guttenberg. Chris Hixon - athletic director - “awesome husband” - a teacher who gave kids lunch money if they needed it. Luke Hoyer. Cara Loughran. Gina Montalto. Alaina Petty. Meadow Pollack. Helena Ramsay. Alex Schachter. Carmen Schentrup. Peter Wang. That’s too many names! Too many! Too many 😢. Honor them today. Honor them with change so that their death was not in vain. Let’s make sure that thoughts and prayers don’t carry the day this time. We can do more so let’s do it. Bless up 😞

Nicholas Dworet was a handsome young man with a wonderful smile who was going to swim at the University of Indianapolis. He won’t be swimmin...

Af, Amazon, and Anaconda: His freedom ride home, he realized he was being adopted. He also tried to steal my cheeseburger @DrSmashlove Reddit u/3riny3s A few weeks ago I hyped up a anti perspirant called Tom’s North Woods. It smells absolutely wonderful and works great. HOWEVER. It got aluminum in it 😖. Bro!! How u gon be a natural product and u got aluminum! I read the packaging closely and it said “naturally sourced aluminum.” FOH 😂. “We naturally select our poisonous metallic substances from the finest natural mines.” Aluminum is an ELEMENT. It’s pure. There is no difference between aluminum from recycled pepsi cans and aluminum from a mine. I was mad AF 😤. So I went back on my quest to find something natural. Well lo and behold Tom’s makes natural deodorant that’s called “wild lavender”. And lemme tell u - it smell pleasant asf! Like basically u slather it on and u sniff ya underarm and u magically transported to the soap aisle of Whole Food and a pleasant hipster girl with ear spacers, short hair, and a name tag that say “RAIN” smile at u 😍 (side note: was she born ‘Rain’? Or is her name Mandy but she adopted the name ‘Rain’ after attending burning man and dropping acid once? Maybe her Nani make it ‘Rain’? 😍 lmao I’m wild lemme stop 😂.) Caveat: if u work out hard AF like me, it will wear off a lil bit. Like for a 100 degree hot summertime Chi day u might could go with the Tom’s north woods aluminum joint. It will give u cancer-memory loss but at least u smell spicy 😂. Also and I done said this before: I shave my public hair which is a tradition among people of my faith. I know some of u women like “ew - DEALBREAKER!” WELL FU— just kidding! Baby girl that’s fair! 😂 I accept our incompatibility and hope u find the hairy Chewbacca lookin a$$ Man of ya dreams! 😍 Now then u men out here at the gym with the grapefruit sized amazon rainforest patch of stinky-ass underarm hair that drip white liquid on the elliptical, the ‘wild lavender’ may not cut it 😂. Y’all got that ‘built in’ stincc u probably need Mitchum. But if u down with that razor life it will give u plenty of protection against Le Stincc. May all of u live blessed and chemical free lives bless up 😍😂

A few weeks ago I hyped up a anti perspirant called Tom’s North Woods. It smells absolutely wonderful and works great. HOWEVER. It got alumi...

5 Am, Bless Up, and Bruh: This is Bruce. He has some spots. Reddit u/ MustyCarACsmell @DrSmashlove Say Bruh u wanna know when u grown? Like the exact moment that u a grown up? When u “sleep in” but it’s still early 😂. U feel me? Like there was a time in my life when “sleep in” meant 1:30 pm. One MF thirty. Like literally the day is shot. Done. No day that starts at 1:30 pm entails any type of success. Zero. That day is a total loss. A tax write off. Ain no “rise and grind 😌” at 1:30 pm more like “rise and eat a bowl of a cereal like an A$$HOLE and reflect on your insignificance in the universe” 🤗. Nah. I was texting with my lil homegirl who’s a physician and she say she woke up at 8:30 am and I’m like “oh nice you slept in!” And she did! She usually up at 5 am shoving needles into people! But then I caught myself 😧. Right then and there I caught myself Bruh. And a feeling of mild sadness came over me whilst on the stair master at 8:36 am on a Saturday. WE GROWN. I’M GROWN. 8:30 AM IS NOT SLEEPING IN. BUT IF U GROWN, 8:30 AM IS A COT DAMN VACATION. U wake up so refreshed that it feel ‘wrong’ 😂. Like ya anxiety come knocking like “AYE BRUH U MISSED A APPOINTMENT. A CONFERENCE CALL. BREAKFAST WITH A CLIENT. U MISSED EVERYTHING IT’S 8:30 COT DAMMIT WHAT A FAILURE LOL LIKE WHAT HAVE U *ACTUALLY* ACCOMPLISHED? LOOK AT EVAN SPIEGEL. DEVELOPED A APP WHERE U COULD SEND DISAPPEARING PICS OF YA T!TTIES NOW AT AGE 27 HE WORTH 4.1 BILLY WHAT CHU WORTH? EXACTLY SMASH WAY LESS THAN 4 BILLY BC U WOKE UP AT 8:30 OL SLEEP ALL DAY LOOKIN A$$ EVAN 👏 SPIEGEL 👏 AINT 👏 WAKING 👏 UP 👏 AT 👏 8:30.” (Incidentally my anxiety sound like a mother who push her kids too hard 🐸☕️. Shout to my anxiety tho. Some people got a angel on they shoulder. I got skrong anxiety clutching a chancleta above my head bout to whup my a$$ for not grinding hard enuf EVERYBODY’S DIFFERENT THIS IS HOW I’M BUILT BLESS UP 😂😂😂)

Say Bruh u wanna know when u grown? Like the exact moment that u a grown up? When u “sleep in” but it’s still early 😂. U feel me? Like there...

Bad, Be Like, and Blac Chyna: Took my dog to the groomer and they sent me this. She climbed into a kennel for small dogs AND somehow managed to turn all the way around. She's so pleased with herself. @DrSmashlove Pic: reddit u/fireismyporn Bruh y’all being way too hard on my girl Blac Chyna. See y’all gotta understand, some women...they like secretaries. If u give them a task and they don’t wanna do that task...they do a bad job! That’s just how some of u women be! My first secretary? I asked her to please make me a binder. The result? Tabs was messed up, everything mishmashed - even the hole punches wasn’t aligned 😂. Just skrate to the recycling bin. Lesson learnt: Sally don’t do binders 😂. That’s Blac Chyna. She didn’t like that task. She like “lemme do this hella mediocrely. Then he gotta start doing something *I* like.” U feel me? Now other women bruh they gon do the most. They could dislike something but for YOU? They love it. I was once laying Pipington to a yung ting and she was visibly into it but after a lil while she kinda broke out of character like “o babyyyy ... aye baby you close? It’s hurting a lil bit 😬 KEEP GOING DON’T STOP!” ... BRO! I FUXED WITH HER HONESTY LOL! 😂 Bc up until then she was (ostensibly) loving every moment! That right there is a pleaser bruv. But don’t get it twisted! U can convert her. If she a pleaser but u inattentive, selfish, and ignore her cues? Guess what now she a secretary. She bad at everything now 😂. “Sorry I already brushed my teeth and got ready for bed can we not? 😬” Like one of them old secretaries. Emeritus status lol. Just waiting on her retirement party talmbout “After 48 years of service Shirley has informed us she’s retiring, we will miss her 😌” like bish don’t u mean 38 years of service and 10 years of Shirley talking isht in the coffee room?! 😂 Now then, if u kindly, conscientious and wonderful, she gon convert from a secretary to a pleaser. She gon do things she ain’t een really into bc she like YOU! U be like “wow Stephanie I didn’t even know u liked this position lol! Where u learn this? U cheating? Lemme see ya phone 😤 I’LL KILL U *AND* HIM LOLOL JK NAH FR THO WHERE U LEARN THIS 😍.” 😂 U feel me? She gon upgrade HERSELF if she fux with u. Blac Chyna bruh? She don’t fux with that dude. For all we know she just paid for dinner AND his car note. Let a woman pay for u she be a secretary REAL QUICK BLESS UP 😂

Bruh y’all being way too hard on my girl Blac Chyna. See y’all gotta understand, some women...they like secretaries. If u give them a task a...

Be Like, Bless Up, and Bruh: My sister's gentle giant German Shepherd wears a bow tie everywhere because it makes people less intimidated and afraid of him. @DrSmashlove Reddit u/tricksy_trixie Say Bruh shout to u pretty a$$ ladies with resting bish face (RBF) bruv I fux with y’all. I fux witchu ladies the long way bruv y’all sexy. I’m talking and u just eyeing me. Scrutinizing me. U feel me? Am I making her mad? Is she disagreeing with me? What is she thinking? I need that. That element of risk. Like u might could reach across the table and break a bottle over my head bruv. That sh!t dangerous to me that’s sexy lol. Scowl at me. U feel me? HANGRY - even tho u just bodied four tacos, a bowl of guac, and a large horchata 😩. I fux with that. And women with RBF do well in business! That’s why women get successful and ppl be like “wow Susan is a bish” NO SHE AINT! SHE JUST GOT SKRONG RBF! “David if you don’t start being reasonable imma stab this pen into your neck. How you gon explain that to ya kids? You could have given us $17,000 more per month for this amazing software but nah. You wanted to die on your sword. Well David, act like a bish you gon DIE LIKE A BISH.” I mean I still remember tryina explain to my mama why my sister crying and my mama already got the chancleta IN HER HAND - RAISED - maybe EEN a wooden spoon in the other - just preparing for that cosmic two-tiered simultaneous SHLAP - SHMACK - CRACK of the spoon handle to end my existence u feel me? “Wow smash what a childhood that explains why you’re like this no wonder.” Ok first of all ...... YES ASF 😂. Y’all could judge my mama all u want to but u can’t have 1-on-1 convo’s with all ya chirren once u have more than three like after that u gotta be efficient and the flip flop - wooden spoon is efficient ASF. All I’m saying is at the end of the day I love my mama and perhaps RBF remind me of her Resting Boutta Whup Dat A$$ Face all I’m saying is for u ladies who are like “MY FRIENDS ALL SAY I HAVE THE WORST RBF LIKE HOW DO I GET RID OF THIS”...don’t 😍😂. As Tupac said, “You are appreciated ☺️”. Now none of u extra-a$$ ladies who follow me DM me talmbout “can I ride the Peepington while slapping u with a sandal and breaking wooden spoons on u zaddy ☺️” I told u I ain’t into being dominated! (Nah but DM me tho if u gon do it 🤤🤫) BLESS UP 😍😂😂😂

Say Bruh shout to u pretty a$$ ladies with resting bish face (RBF) bruv I fux with y’all. I fux witchu ladies the long way bruv y’all sexy. ...

80s, Bless Up, and Clock: Meet Eddie, the Hospital Therapy Dog who is always carrying around his bookbag of toys and can always be found in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit @DrSmashlove Reddit u/Stuffy Unicorn Part 2 (see previous post for Part 1): He’d leap out of his truck wearing overalls and construction boots and a trucker cap - not Ed Hardy but a real one, an unironic one lol. And he look like Tom Brady in the face but he burly like Tom Hardy. And he got no shirt under the overalls just manly. And my girl like “Aren’t you cold?” And in a syrupy southern drawl he say “mayam - I werked one year as longshoreman in Alasker. One tam - my toes done froze off, lost two. But I survaved. An I don’t git cold no mowar. 🤠” He reach under the steering wheel, pop the hood, walk around, flicks it open, props it up with only his arm, grab wiper fluid out of the bed of his truck which also houses a deer he just shot, opens it with his mouth, pours the fluid, replaces the cap. I’m in awe. My girl even more in awe. He grab a blanket out of his truck and wrap up my girl and he like “just makin sure yer old lady’s warm, sir 😌. Would yall lak to come to my home for some deer steaks before continuing yer journey?” And I’m like “wow what a gracious offer u know what MSNBC and CNN are wrong about y’all, rednecks are amazing people” and just then. Right then. My girl hop out the whip. I’m like “WOMAN! IT’S SNOWING?” And she like “you don’t want steak then suit yourself I’M HUNGRY. We could have stopped at Ponderosa like I asked but you said we almost home WELL SMASH WE AIN’T.” And with that she retreat to the redneck’s truck. “But baby,” I said. “We got a nice home. Like the republican Family in Strangers things 😥.” “That might be true” she say “but money can’t buy happiness.” And just like that they ride off in the sunset. People always say “I was born in the wrong era.” BIH! NOT ME! In the 80s u could lose ya girl over wiper fluid! I’m not handy but I know how a Neapolitan suit should fit in the shoulder and how to tastefully appoint a living room with Eames chairs and Mies van der Rohe bench but still make it vibe with heirloom pieces like a grandfather clock! Bish I’m aesthetic asf! I was raised with sisters! And it’s ladies who, combined with my wondrous tung and pipe game, and my brand of earnest empathy, accept my type of manliness lol! Thank you God!! Bless up! 😂😂😂

Part 2 (see previous post for Part 1): He’d leap out of his truck wearing overalls and construction boots and a trucker cap - not Ed Hardy b...

Bless Up, Cars, and Driving: Was trying to sneak a photo when this pretty girl suddenly turned around and flashed me this big smile @DrSmashlove Reddit u/erisedwild So yesterday bruv I was driving and my windshield wiper fluid ran out. Bro I done told y’all before, I don’t know about cars. I’m good at a few very specific things. Being handy ain’t one of them. So after some momentary panic, I hit the market and buy some wiper fluid. Then I consulted my rock. My confidante. My soulmate: Google 😍. First I had to know where’s the button in my car to pop the hood. Googled 🤗. Then I had to figure out where is that stick that props up the hood! Googled 😁. Finally, “where do I put wiper fluid”. Googled that but this time the google assistant wanna pop up like “Look for the large plastic cap in the lower left hand corner. Also, our algorithm indicates that You Might Like: ‘how to freshen your Nani naturally with Organic Lavender 🌷’, ‘Kylie’s New Perfectly Pregnant Eye Shadow - Reviews and On-Skin Test!’ and ‘Cosmopolitan: 17 Ways to Blow his Mind in Bed!’” And by then I’m like “U KNOW WHAT GOOGLE ENUF OF U TODAY GOODBYE ASF 😂”. And that got me thinking 🤔. What happened before Google? In the 1980s, what if I pulled over and didn’t know how to fill my wiper fluid? Simple. I’d pull over. I’d fiddle with my hood for 45 minutes while my girl stay in the car, worried for her life. Then a nice redneck man would pull over in a pickup... [to continue the story y’all gotta chune in to Part 2, bless up! 😂😂😂]

So yesterday bruv I was driving and my windshield wiper fluid ran out. Bro I done told y’all before, I don’t know about cars. I’m good at a ...

Be Like, Bless Up, and Chicago: Waiting to surprise my SO with this little nugget when she gets home from work. Reddit u/belatedpajamas @DrSmashlove Now people always wanna be like “wow how do you live in Chicago”, “damn smash Chicago is cold asf why not Miami”, “wow Chicago is big cold yuck.” OKAY. DUH. NOBODY SAYING IT’S WARM LOL. But the cold got benefits. For one, it make the holidays pretty. I don’t celebrate Christmas but all the pretty lights and snowflakes bruv that make me feel like I’m in a quaint, adorable little English village. On some “Cheerio chap! Yes very good govvenah! BRIYYANT!” 😂 U feel me? Heritage. Not my heritage - but somebody heritage lol! Fireplaces. Cozy lil fires. U feel me? Seasons. Now it’s also downsides. I keep water bottles in my car and them bottles freeze. No bueno asf. But a HALF FROZE bottle is a come up! If u catch it at the right point in the freeze life cycle it develop a water PP column right up the middle that osmularicizes coldness through water you pour into the bottle it and freezes it to the optimal gym water temp. Boom. One sip and u transported to the mountains of Norway bruv. U thirsty. U been walking for days. U come upon a comely Norwegian birb with a gaggle of aggressive huskies barking at u. U like “Ok these huskies don’t like my kind lmao RIP to me it was real”. She opens her mouth and whispers: “Jeg kan se din PP-utskrift gjennom din overcoat” (“I can see your PP print through your overcoat”). And then u like “aye short blond hair on white girls is sexy ol McCaulay Culkin Justin Bieber with a fatty lookin a$$ PAUSE.” And she like “come. Drink.” And she open her shroud which is made from a single uncut bison skin and she bare nekky and she put my head against her heart and pour water into my mouth like I’m her bb and I’m like “wow Scandinavians are wild but I love it.” That’s how soothing that half frozen ice PP water bottle taste bruv. Anyway then she fall in love with me and ask me to live among her people and I’m like “Jeg er her for en god stund, ikke lenge, du vet jeg” (“I'm here for a good time not a long time, you know **I**”). And she shed a single tear and I pet the huskies and depart homeward. BOTTOM LINE THAT HALF FROZEN WATER BOTTLE IS A GYM BLESSING BLESS UP 😍😂😂😂

Now people always wanna be like “wow how do you live in Chicago”, “damn smash Chicago is cold asf why not Miami”, “wow Chicago is big cold y...

Bad, Bless Up, and Bodies : Invest in tennis balls, they have a high return rate @DrSmashlove Reddit ulyerawizzardarry Ladies cot dammit if ya man take a dive down under and hit ya Nani with that impeccable TungWerk ®️ make a lil eye contact. U feel me? Look him in the eye while he working, he dutiful. It ain’t gotta be a staring contest just that lil belly crunchie where u lean up for a sec with that drooly grin 🤤 before laying back down and clutching ya own bresstassiss again lol. The look in the eye say “I am validating your efforts, which are appreciated. Go Head with that whirlwind devil tung boy who raised u? Is u half Man half reptile with that tornado tung? U tryina eff around and make me fall in love? YOU 👏 DONT 👏 WANT 👏 ME 👏 TO 👏 FALL 👏 IN 👏LOVE 👏THAT’S 👏WHEN 👏 THE 👏 CRAZY 👏 COME 👏 OUT 👏 NOT 👏 THE 👏 GOOD 👏 CRAZY 👏 BUT 👏 THE 👏 BAD CRAZY. 👏BOI...imma have to ohhhghhhhhh ggggahhhhhh” *digs manicure nails into scalp* “I ahhhhhhh yesyesyesyesyes DON’T STOP FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU 😩” — You feel me? That interaction is clutch. I be seeing some of u criminals tho bruv 😂 - I start going down under and y’all wanna close ya eyes and play out a whole separate movie in ya head. How do I know what movie dat is? Maybe it’s me on a snowy mountain top wearing only a fur loin cloth riding a unicorn with my hair blowing in the arctic wind (I don’t have long hair and anyway my hair don’t blow but bear with me lmao) or maybe it’s another movie entirely that I ain’t even in!? “Well smash now I KNOW you don’t know as much as women as you purport to...some women can’t bust unless they close their eyes and go to a happy place STOP 🛑 TRYING 🛑 TO 🛑 CONTROL 🛑 OUR 🛑 BODIES.” Whoa derr ma. Now u doing too much. U free to go to a happy place, just give a brother a glance! U feel me? A small token of your appreciation. Inside every man is a little part of him that’s a hurt lil boy who need reinforcement. If u think u with some super macho lookin a$$ boy who ain’t got this lil part of him that just mean he good at hiding it but he likely got the ultimate mommy-daddy issues that ain’t came out yet jus wait on it 😂. For the rest of u, LOOK HIM IN THE EYE - to be a good plant manager u gotta be appreciative of the pipe layer so he keep doing a good job BLESS UP 🤗😍😂

Ladies cot dammit if ya man take a dive down under and hit ya Nani with that impeccable TungWerk ®️ make a lil eye contact. U feel me? Look ...

Apparently, Bless Up, and Boobies: MORE PEANUT BUTTER! Shout to u pretty older ladies that keep the bra on when we smash bc u self conscious and afraid the young buck that u with gonna be judgy about them girls being stretch marky and hangy when that bra pop off y’all cute. Bashful. Y’all adorable. BUT LISTEN HERE COT DAMMIT IF U DONT LET THEM GIRLS COME OUT AND PLAY WE GON HAVE ISSUES I NEED THE LIGHTS ON SHINING ON EVERY MINOR DETAIL AND ‘IMPERFECTION’ (personally I call them ‘perfections’. Butt dimples? Cellulite? Stretch marks? U perfect to me, aint a cot damn thing ‘im’ about it 🤗). U 42 NOT 22 YA BOOBIES NOT SUPPOSE TO BE UPRIGHT AND FIRM STARING OFF IN SEPARATE DIRECTIONS LIKE FETTY WAP’S EYES THEY SUPPOSE TO FLOP DOWN A LIL BIT AND THAT’S PART OF THE BEAUTY OF THINE SHAPE WHY U EMBARRASSED OF SOMETHING CUTE IN THE FIRST PLACE! THAT’S WHY I DON’T BE WEARING PANTS OR BOXERS I WALK AROUND NEKKY BECAUSE I’M CUTE, BIH! MY PP HANDSOME! FVCK U THOUGHT! EVEN WHEN THE ROOM 67.5 DEGREES AND MR. PEEPATOUS (he Greek apparently - to my knowledge I aint Greek but he Greek lmao “OPA!!!”) HATH PARTLY RECEDED INTO MY BODY FOR WARMTH AND COMFORT AW HELL NAH! HE STILL HANDSOME! LET THEM GIRLS OUT, WOMAN! SENDING SELFIES ON THE BED LAYING FLAT ARMS UP APPLYING EIGHT FILTERS CONTORTING YA ENTIRE COT DAMN EXISTENCE TO GET THEM GIRLS LOOKING YOUNG AND PERKY I AINT ASK FOR THAT! LEMME SEE *YOU* COT DAMMIT! LIKE CREEPY HOMEBOY MR HOT SPOT BE SAYING: “YEAH! I *LIKE* **THAT**!!” YA GET ME! BLESS UP 😍❤️😂😂😂 (Pic: Reddit u-tfro9)

Shout to u pretty older ladies that keep the bra on when we smash bc u self conscious and afraid the young buck that u with gonna be judgy a...

Beautiful, Bless Up, and Chicago: l just rescued this beautiful girl, and she is sleeping inside for the first time in her life Reddit u/CollectiveOfCells @DrSmashlove So I’m texting with my lil homegirl in Toronto and I’m like “aye y’all got Chil Fil A in Toronto 🤔” and she like “nah” and I’m like “aight when u slide thru Chicago it’s on” and she like “smash! We don’t fvck with Chik Fil A! 😤” And that’s when I had to stop her right there, bruv. See I don’t blame u Canadians because y’all really woke the long way but I gotta splain sum real quick. We all out here tryina make things right. U feel me? We all taking a stand. Against inequality. Against intolerance. I feel that. My fist in the air too, sis. BUT REVOLT HAS A LINE THAT CANNOT BE CROSSED AND THAT LINE IS CHIK FIL A 😐😂. Do I like they stance on same sex marriage? No. Do I like they tenders? Also no. I LOVE THEY TENDERS, BRUV. I PEEL OPEN THAT SRIRACHA SAUCE AND I PEEL OPEN THAT POLYNESIAN SAUCE AND I DUNK + TWIRL MY MEAT IN BOTH SAUCES - IN ALTERNATING FASHION - AS MY HEART (and belly, and eye) SHED A SINGLE TEAR OF HAPPINESS. But Smash, what if tomorrow they tweeted ‘Chik Fil A supports the Trump Travel Ban, go back to your country 😤.’ Well see now sis, extraordinary measures require extraordinary responses. I would go directly to my jeweler Tony on Wabash. I would say “Tony my dude imma need a cross.” Tony: “smash...you don’t wear crosses(?)” Me: “TONY GIMME THE CROSS AND STOP AXING QUESTIONS. MAKE SURE IT GOT JESUS ON IT. Put diamonds in the thorns too 🙂.” And I would stroll to Chik Fil A on State Street. And put that cross on, go in and say “two orders of tenders and a peach milkshake please.” The black cashier would eye me. I would eye her back. I would look down. I would look back up and see her shaking her head: “smash...I served u daily during Ramadan. DAILY. In here like a crack addict at sundown in your suit - 8:32 pm on the dot I’m handing you tenders. And you’re back? After what they said about the trump ban? Wearing a CROSS(?)” And I would, with a solemn stare, mouth the following words “sis...issa time to fight and it’s a time to eat. The only thing standing between me and the dinner God hath planned for me is you. YOU COULD CATCHETH THESE HANDS. Glory be to Jesus.” BLESS UP 😩😍😂😂😂

So I’m texting with my lil homegirl in Toronto and I’m like “aye y’all got Chil Fil A in Toronto 🤔” and she like “nah” and I’m like “aight w...

Bless Up, Drake, and Empire: The face my dog makes at my girlfriend when we cuddle Reddit u/Dancisco23 @DrSmashlove THIS SMUG, SELF-SATISFIED, SH!T-EATING GRIN IS THE LOOK GIRLS MAKE AT OTHER GIRLS WHEN THEY LANDED THE MODERATELY ATTRACTIVE TRASH FVCKBOY WITH REASONABLY ABOVE-AVERAGE DIH THAT ALL THE LADIES WITH ANY MODICUM OF GOOD SENSE DISCARDED AND BLOCKED. THIS IS THE PHASE IN HER LIFE WHEN SHE POST ANCIENT, XEROXED-LOOKING DRAKE-RIHANNA MEMES WITH CAPTIONS LIKE “when you meet your soulmate and you just KNOW ☺️” OR “when you just VIBE 🔥” OR “when he cuts off all his side pieces for you ☺️” WITH A TAG TO HER TRASHMAN’S PAGE AND HIS PAGE ALWAYS PRIVATE AND HE WEARING SUNGLASSES LIKE HE HIDING FROM THE LAW AND HIS BIO ALWAYS SAY SUM LIKE: “Maverick | CEO | Building an empire 🏰 | Jacksonville ☀️” AND SOME FAUX BIBLICAL-SOUNDING QUOTE THAT AINT EEN MAKE SENSE LIKE “A KING is someone who rules in the place of GOD upon the Earth” AND ALSO A VAGUELY-WORDED SOLICITATION THAT IMPLIES THAT HE MIGHT BE A PIMP OR A PONZI SCHEMER OR BOTH: “looking for BUSINESS PARTNERS who want to be their OWN BOSSES: contact BigDerrick69@hotmail.com”. NOT PICTURED: THE FROWN TWO YEARS LATER WHEN HER CREDIT IS WRECKED, ALL THE CASH AND CREDIT CARDS IS MISSING OUT HER PURSE, HER NISSAN MAXIMA WAS REPORTED CRASHED, AND SHE GOT TWO (2) BABY MAVERICKS THAT LOOK IDENTICAL TO THEY DADDY - YALL BE SAFE OUT THERE - BLESS UP 👶👶😐😂😂😂

THIS SMUG, SELF-SATISFIED, SH!T-EATING GRIN IS THE LOOK GIRLS MAKE AT OTHER GIRLS WHEN THEY LANDED THE MODERATELY ATTRACTIVE TRASH FVCKBOY W...

Af, Baseball, and Bless Up: My pregnant wife has been practicing her swaddling technique on the dog. Reddit u/ohaivoltage @DrSmashlove So I just copped a stick of Tom’s “North Woods” natural deodorant bc they finally released a deodorant that’s also an anti-perspirant and for me that’s a must because I work out daily and I can’t have the cute MILF’s and instagram girls who wear a baseball cap and yoga pants and make they man photograph them at the gym thinking smash doesn’t bathe 🤗😂. Anyway imma keep it 600 - this is nice! It kinda smell like old school Speed Stick - the joint all the gym teachers would wear. I low key feel like a sexy gym teacher RN. Walking around school in tight sweatpants with the PP print on display and a polo tucked in with the drawstring hanging by the print and a college cap that say “ILLINI” and a whistle on my neck and the Nike Monarchs or as I call them the “Father Who Was Present In His Children’s Lives 11s” just smiling and winking at the Kindygarten teachers like “Hey Suzan. Hey Karen. Howdy Janet. Good MOHNIN Julia ☺️. Stevie always good to see you - DROP AND GIMME 20! Lmao jk wyd tho. Oh hi Martha 😉. Are those new reading glasses? I like them 😍.” That’s me today at work feeling like a spicy gym teacher. Matter fact that’s my 2018 schmood until further notice. Spicy gym teacher af. Strutting around school giving hi fives for no reason, overseeing floor hockey matches. “GIMME A PULL UP!!” LMAO I’m stupid bless up 😍😂😂😂

So I just copped a stick of Tom’s “North Woods” natural deodorant bc they finally released a deodorant that’s also an anti-perspirant and fo...

Af, Basketball, and Bless Up: My girlfriend made me go with her to the flower shop. Wasn't thrilled until this dude showed up and sat in front of me. Reddit u/carl gordon jenkins @DrSmashlove Y’all know I don’t really obsess over sports but last night I seent a miracle. Vikings were losing to the Saints with 10 seconds left. A lot was riding on this game because the winner would go to the NFC Championship. Everyone thought the Saints had it in the bag. Case Keenum, the QB for the Vikings, throws a pass and it’s caught by a young brother named Stefon Diggs. When Diggs gets the ball, it’s five seconds left. In this situation, the receiver (Diggs) is suppose to immeejally run out of bounds so the Vikings could kick a field goal. Keenum yells “GET OUT OF BOUNDS!” Coach Mike Zimmer - only yards away - is yelling at Diggs: “GET OUT OF BOUNDS!” Saints safety Marcus Williams came in at four seconds left to take out Diggs - a fraction of a second after the catch - and ... he misses. If he had connected, and Diggs had fallen, game over. But God had another plan. Diggs landed clean AF, turnt around, and ran in for a touchdown. This was the first time in NFL history that a playoff game ended on a game winning touchdown as time expired. That’s not a typo - what Diggs did has never happened, ever. Plainly, the young brother made history. In the post game interview, Diggs said: “all I can say is, give it to God. Because without him, nothing is possible and I wouldn’t be here so...DAMN THAT SH!T FEEL GOOD!” 😂 Before I continue let me provide a little background on Diggs’ life. Diggs’ father Aron was a former basketball player. Aron signed his son up for football at the ripe age of five and mentored him to become the best player in the state of Maryland and the second best in his position nationwide. But Aron never even seen his son play high school football because he died when Diggs was 14. Since then, Diggs has assumed the role of a father figure to both of his brothers, Trevon and Darez. Diggs himself lost his father figure but he still stepped up. Because he had to. Because that was God’s plan. Sometimes on the way to realizing God’s blessings, you endure hardship. I believe that these tests prepare u for the blessing. Minneapolis stand up. Maryland stand up. All of those who give it to God when we chalk up a win stand up! Bless up ❤️

Y’all know I don’t really obsess over sports but last night I seent a miracle. Vikings were losing to the Saints with 10 seconds left. A lot...

Anaconda, Beer, and Bless Up: This is Ralph. It's his first time out in public. 11/10 good boy Reddit u/aaronr93 @DrSmashlove A necessary part of adulthood is obtaining that COSTCO flex. Without delay here go the couple gems u can’t leave COSTCO without. (1) Two Brothers coffee, 2 lb. bag, $17.99. This isht right HERE, bruv? This is one of them joints that pay for the membership itself. Do me a favor and go to whole food. A 12 ounce bag run u $12.99. Here go THIRTY TWO OUNCES for $17.99. I feel like I won the lotto every time I buy this. U will need a grinder but that’s light work - TREAT YOSELF. (2) Ito En sencha and matcha tea bags. You get 100 wrapped tea bags. Brew the sencha and then add milk and honey and then empty the matcha from the bag on top. BLAM. U a barista now. Have a lil lady over like “aye baby u want a fresh ground Two Brothers latte - it’s a local beer brewery that happens to make killer coffee - or do u want a green tea latte made with the realeast authentic green tea from Japan?” She gon look at u and a single tear will form in her eye. He ex used to drag her a$$ to Starbucks, order a $5 drink, and then pat his own body down like he the police and make HER pay for HIS coffee talmbout “I forgot my wallet baby I’ll get you next.” Now YOU hand-crafting her morning beverage from scratch. You upgrading HER off of that COSTCO flex. JEW HEARD!! 🤫😍😂 (3) MyMo mochi balls (18 pcs). One tray has six - perfect for Netflix and chill at the end of a long week. “But smash, that’s only three mochis per person(?) My girl like to eat.” BIH. I SHARE MY COFFEE + TEA. NOT MY MOCHI. I NETFLIX AND CHILL MYSELF AND FOCUS ON THE PLOT. SHE GOTTA GET HER OWN “oush cream” *michelle tanner from full house voice* FAWKUMEAN 😂. (4) Siggi’s yogurt. Siggi’s is made the Iceland way. Like the Cheeto said, “why can’t we get more immigrants from countries like Norway?” BECAUSE U BRAINDEAD MORON THEY DONT WANNA COME TO THIS SH!THOLE COUNTRY THAT ELECTED YOU 😂. This is natural skyr yogurt that taste sweet + wondrous like the Nani of a comely, tall blond Icelandic woman wearing only fur boots, whispering sweet nothings in your ear that vaguely sound German but mostly like gibberish. Now u too can COSTCO flex. Bless up 😍😂😂😂

A necessary part of adulthood is obtaining that COSTCO flex. Without delay here go the couple gems u can’t leave COSTCO without. (1) Two Bro...

Bless Up, Chipotle, and Dating: u/TheMorganiser 4d She held a rubber duckie in her mouth to keep herself calm as I gave her a shower @DrSmashlove See bruv a big part of being a grown man is reading code. Ladies don’t text in English. Ladies text in code. If u ain got the Cap’n Crunch Decoder Ring ®️ u doomed to a lifetime of being lost in the sauce. Smash is here to help u decode 🤗. Now, on the pages of this account, I have detailed the true meaning behind the “GOOD NIGHT” text sent before the hour of 9 pm. As I’ve stated - nobody going to schleep at 8:02 pm. What she doing is saying: “BISH U ON NOTICE.” But many steps have to occur on the way to GOOD NIGHT. By then u done pissed her off to the point where she real, real tight with u. So what are the warning signs. One of my favorites is the following morning text: “Ok! Well, hope you have a good day 😌.” MEN ... BE CAUTIOUS 😂. Nothing about this text mean what it say. Girls don’t want u to have a good day. Quite the opposite. They wanna text u ALLLL DAY and get as many details as possible about ya a$$. How was lunch? Oh good. How’s work? How’s the gym? How’s dinner at Chipotle after the gym? Did u get queso? OMG THE QUESO MAKES THE BURRITO BOWL SO GOOD LOL LIKE GUAC *AND* QUESO I’VE DIED AND GONE TO HEAVEN HAHA WYD. Nah. Hell nah. “Hope you have a good day” is code for “well now. I see you’re too busy to reply to my text at 9:02 am by 9:01 am like a good man should. Because you’re not a good man. In fact you’re awful. Literally why are we talking? GOOD 👏 PP 👏 WAS 👏 ENUF 👏 FOR 👏 ME 👏 WHEN 👏 I 👏 WAS 👏 22 👏 BUT 👏 I’M 👏 27 👏 NOW 👏 I’M 👏 A 👏 NEW 👏 KATELYN 👏 AND 👏 THIS 👏 KATELYN 👏 WON’T 👏 ACCEPT 👏 ‘Read 9:02 AM’. Question: why are you even dating? Mmmmwhy do you even think you’re fit to date? 🤔 YOU’RE STILL A HURT LITTLE BOY. YOU’RE NOT A GROWN MAN. GROWN MET REPLY TO A TEXT AT 9:02 am BY 9:01 am. WHERE IS A MAN WHO WILL ANTICIPATE MY FEELINGS AND TEXT ME WHAT I’M ALREADY THINKING WHILE I’M STILL COMPOSING MY THOUGHTS BUT HE SEES THREE DOTS AND CAN ALREADY READ MY MIND? WHERE, GOD? Ok. Forget it. Back to Bumble. Maybe Matt2983 will do BETTER. Hope you have a good day 😌.” BLESS UP 😍😂😂😂

See bruv a big part of being a grown man is reading code. Ladies don’t text in English. Ladies text in code. If u ain got the Cap’n Crunch D...

Bless Up, God, and Life: This adorable puppy with a cast. Pic: reddit u/oddfuture445 @DrSmashlove PSA: NEW YEAR MEANS NOTHING. SORRY TO BREAK IT TO U BUT THAT’S FACTUAL. DON’T BE HARD ON YOURSELF FOR WHAT U DIDN’T ACCOMPLISH LAST YEAR. DON’T PUT AN UNREASONABLE AMOUNT OF PRESSURE ON YOURSELF TO OVER-PERFORM THIS COMING YEAR. IT’S ARBITRARY. NOBODY GETS THEY LIFE RIGHT IN JANUARY. ACTUALLY, NOBODY GIVE A FVCK ABOUT JANUARY BRUV ALL U DO IN JANUARY IS BE A LITTLE DEPRESSED AT THE COLD AND LACK OF HOLIDAY DAYS OFF AND TRY TO MAYBE HIT SOME NICE 60% OFF SALES. THAT’S IT. THAT’S THE HAPPIEST U GON GET IN JANUFVCKINGWARY. “Oh wow this John Elliott jacket is a little on sale lemme cop this” THAT’S THE HIGH POINT OF JANUARY - SPOILER ALERT. NOBODY LOSING 78 POUNDS IN MF JANUARY. THAT’S WHAT U DO IN AUGUST. LITERALLY. MY LIL HOMEGIRL DROPPED LIKE 18 POUNDS IN AUGUST AND I’M LIKE “SEE? ‘Years’ HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH IT!” GOD RAINS DOWN THE BLESSINGS ON *HIS* TIMELINE NOT ON THE BASIS OF THE GREGORIAN CALENDAR WHICH IS A MAN-MADE CONSTRUCT. NO OFFENSE TO THE GREGORIANS BUT WHO TF ARE THEY ANYWAY? NOBODY CLAIM THEM. GREGORIA AIN’T EVEN A COUNTRY. EXACTLY. NOW GO LIVE YA BEST LIFE AND BE NICE AND GIVE TO CHARITY AND CALL YA MAMA WHO SUFFER FROM DEPRESSION AND BIPOLAR AND TELL HER U LOVE HER AND MAY GOD ALWAYS BLESS U - IN 2018 AND BEYOND - BLESS UP ❤️😍😂

PSA: NEW YEAR MEANS NOTHING. SORRY TO BREAK IT TO U BUT THAT’S FACTUAL. DON’T BE HARD ON YOURSELF FOR WHAT U DIDN’T ACCOMPLISH LAST YEAR. DO...