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                            My Body Should Not Be Your New Favorite Coronavirus Quarantine Punchline
                        
                    

                    
                

            
        
    
        
            
                

                    

                        
                        
                        
                    

                    
                    

                        
                            Reggie on becoming a living meme, how the 'My body is ready' line came to be
                        
                    

                    
                

            
        
    
    






    

    
    
    

        

            








        

    

    
    

        

            








        

    

    
    

        

            








        

    

    
    

        

            









    

        
        
        
        
        
        
        
    

    

        Body positivity: Body positivity
        

            
            

                
                
                    Body positivity: Body positivity
                    
                
            

            
                
                
Body positivity

                
            
            
        

    

    

        
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        Bikini Body: Bikini Body
        

            
            

                
                
                    Bikini Body: Bikini Body
                    
                
            

            
                
                
Bikini Body

                
            
            
        

    

    

        
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        feedmecookiesnow:
not-the-blue:
@fandomforoz art for @letsallsleepoverwork, who came up with the absolutely adorable idea of the hawkeyes braiding Bucky’s hair and painting his nails! thank you!! 
I thought this was cute so I wrote a story for it. 
**
Practice on Me
New York in August, Bucky thinks, is a special kind of hell. 
He’s laying on the floor of his apartment with the shades all drawn 
and a fan blasting directly on him. He’s wearing nothing but his boxers.
 His entire body is pressed to the cool hardwood of the floor. There’s a
 cold washcloth over his forehead. An iced water sitting next to him. 
And yet none of it is making a dent in the heat. It’s thick. It’s awful. It’s like breathing soup.
“Definitely hell,” he says to the dark room. “One-hundred percent, Grade A, whole wheat hell.”
His phone rings. Bucky cracks an eye open, then gropes around on the floor for it until he can stab at it. “What?”
Clint’s voice echoes through the speaker. “Oooh, you sound angry. What’s wrong?”
“I’m hot,” Bucky says. “My air conditioning is broke, and the guy can’t fix it until Friday.”
“Oh god.” Clint sounds horrified. “That’s the worst thing I’ve heard 
today.” He pauses, and then says, “Well, second worst. My favorite taco 
guy was out of the spicy guacamole. I had to settle for regular.”
“It must be hard being you,” Bucky says dryly, and Clint laughs. “Anyway. What do you want?”
“I was going to ask if I could come over,” Clint says. “But I think now it would be better if you came to my place instead.” Keep reading
: feedmecookiesnow:
not-the-blue:
@fandomforoz art for @letsallsleepoverwork, who came up with the absolutely adorable idea of the hawkeyes braiding Bucky’s hair and painting his nails! thank you!! 
I thought this was cute so I wrote a story for it. 
**
Practice on Me
New York in August, Bucky thinks, is a special kind of hell. 
He’s laying on the floor of his apartment with the shades all drawn 
and a fan blasting directly on him. He’s wearing nothing but his boxers.
 His entire body is pressed to the cool hardwood of the floor. There’s a
 cold washcloth over his forehead. An iced water sitting next to him. 
And yet none of it is making a dent in the heat. It’s thick. It’s awful. It’s like breathing soup.
“Definitely hell,” he says to the dark room. “One-hundred percent, Grade A, whole wheat hell.”
His phone rings. Bucky cracks an eye open, then gropes around on the floor for it until he can stab at it. “What?”
Clint’s voice echoes through the speaker. “Oooh, you sound angry. What’s wrong?”
“I’m hot,” Bucky says. “My air conditioning is broke, and the guy can’t fix it until Friday.”
“Oh god.” Clint sounds horrified. “That’s the worst thing I’ve heard 
today.” He pauses, and then says, “Well, second worst. My favorite taco 
guy was out of the spicy guacamole. I had to settle for regular.”
“It must be hard being you,” Bucky says dryly, and Clint laughs. “Anyway. What do you want?”
“I was going to ask if I could come over,” Clint says. “But I think now it would be better if you came to my place instead.” Keep reading

        

            
            

                
                
                    feedmecookiesnow:
not-the-blue:
@fandomforoz art for @letsallsleepoverwork, who came up with the absolutely adorable idea of the hawkeyes braiding Bucky’s hair and painting his nails! thank you!! 
I thought this was cute so I wrote a story for it. 
**
Practice on Me
New York in August, Bucky thinks, is a special kind of hell. 
He’s laying on the floor of his apartment with the shades all drawn 
and a fan blasting directly on him. He’s wearing nothing but his boxers.
 His entire body is pressed to the cool hardwood of the floor. There’s a
 cold washcloth over his forehead. An iced water sitting next to him. 
And yet none of it is making a dent in the heat. It’s thick. It’s awful. It’s like breathing soup.
“Definitely hell,” he says to the dark room. “One-hundred percent, Grade A, whole wheat hell.”
His phone rings. Bucky cracks an eye open, then gropes around on the floor for it until he can stab at it. “What?”
Clint’s voice echoes through the speaker. “Oooh, you sound angry. What’s wrong?”
“I’m hot,” Bucky says. “My air conditioning is broke, and the guy can’t fix it until Friday.”
“Oh god.” Clint sounds horrified. “That’s the worst thing I’ve heard 
today.” He pauses, and then says, “Well, second worst. My favorite taco 
guy was out of the spicy guacamole. I had to settle for regular.”
“It must be hard being you,” Bucky says dryly, and Clint laughs. “Anyway. What do you want?”
“I was going to ask if I could come over,” Clint says. “But I think now it would be better if you came to my place instead.” Keep reading
: feedmecookiesnow:
not-the-blue:
@fandomforoz art for @letsallsleepoverwork, who came up with the absolutely adorable idea of the hawkeyes braiding Bucky’s hair and painting his nails! thank you!! 
I thought this was cute so I wrote a story for it. 
**
Practice on Me
New York in August, Bucky thinks, is a special kind of hell. 
He’s laying on the floor of his apartment with the shades all drawn 
and a fan blasting directly on him. He’s wearing nothing but his boxers.
 His entire body is pressed to the cool hardwood of the floor. There’s a
 cold washcloth over his forehead. An iced water sitting next to him. 
And yet none of it is making a dent in the heat. It’s thick. It’s awful. It’s like breathing soup.
“Definitely hell,” he says to the dark room. “One-hundred percent, Grade A, whole wheat hell.”
His phone rings. Bucky cracks an eye open, then gropes around on the floor for it until he can stab at it. “What?”
Clint’s voice echoes through the speaker. “Oooh, you sound angry. What’s wrong?”
“I’m hot,” Bucky says. “My air conditioning is broke, and the guy can’t fix it until Friday.”
“Oh god.” Clint sounds horrified. “That’s the worst thing I’ve heard 
today.” He pauses, and then says, “Well, second worst. My favorite taco 
guy was out of the spicy guacamole. I had to settle for regular.”
“It must be hard being you,” Bucky says dryly, and Clint laughs. “Anyway. What do you want?”
“I was going to ask if I could come over,” Clint says. “But I think now it would be better if you came to my place instead.” Keep reading

                    
                
            

            
                
                
feedmecookiesnow:
not-the-blue:
@fandomforoz art for @letsallsleepoverwork, who came up with the absolutely adorable idea of the hawkeyes...

                
            
            
        

    

    

        
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        sniperct:

swan2swan:
We really don’t talk enough about how Artoo went into the desert to find Obi-Wan because no kid would be stupid enough to follow him into Tusken territory and then this kid chases him down and gets beaten up and his unconscious body is dragged back to his landspeeder and Artoo looked down and went “This one. This one knows how to have a good time.”

#he’d had adventures but really all those rebels were too cautious for him#he’d served Anakin Skywalker there was just no coming back#and then there’s this nerdy kid who kinda sorta reminds him of that guy#and then Obi-Wan says “your father wanted you to have this” and pulls out ANAKIN’S KRIFFING LIGHTSABER#and Artoo just EXPLODES because NO WAY THIS IS THAT KID??!#and he cross-references his old memory banks and THERE’S PADME NAMING THE KID “LUKE” THIS IS THE KID#THE WHOLE TIME HE WAS TRYING TO RUN AWAY FROM ANAKIN’S SON#NO WONDER HE COULDN’T ESCAPE#also no wonder he could fool this idiot to take off the restraining bolt#HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN#and he was ride or die forever#and about two days later he DID die#but he got better#so really WOW this guy IS the best#artoo detoo


: sniperct:

swan2swan:
We really don’t talk enough about how Artoo went into the desert to find Obi-Wan because no kid would be stupid enough to follow him into Tusken territory and then this kid chases him down and gets beaten up and his unconscious body is dragged back to his landspeeder and Artoo looked down and went “This one. This one knows how to have a good time.”

#he’d had adventures but really all those rebels were too cautious for him#he’d served Anakin Skywalker there was just no coming back#and then there’s this nerdy kid who kinda sorta reminds him of that guy#and then Obi-Wan says “your father wanted you to have this” and pulls out ANAKIN’S KRIFFING LIGHTSABER#and Artoo just EXPLODES because NO WAY THIS IS THAT KID??!#and he cross-references his old memory banks and THERE’S PADME NAMING THE KID “LUKE” THIS IS THE KID#THE WHOLE TIME HE WAS TRYING TO RUN AWAY FROM ANAKIN’S SON#NO WONDER HE COULDN’T ESCAPE#also no wonder he could fool this idiot to take off the restraining bolt#HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN#and he was ride or die forever#and about two days later he DID die#but he got better#so really WOW this guy IS the best#artoo detoo



        

            
            

                
                
                    sniperct:

swan2swan:
We really don’t talk enough about how Artoo went into the desert to find Obi-Wan because no kid would be stupid enough to follow him into Tusken territory and then this kid chases him down and gets beaten up and his unconscious body is dragged back to his landspeeder and Artoo looked down and went “This one. This one knows how to have a good time.”

#he’d had adventures but really all those rebels were too cautious for him#he’d served Anakin Skywalker there was just no coming back#and then there’s this nerdy kid who kinda sorta reminds him of that guy#and then Obi-Wan says “your father wanted you to have this” and pulls out ANAKIN’S KRIFFING LIGHTSABER#and Artoo just EXPLODES because NO WAY THIS IS THAT KID??!#and he cross-references his old memory banks and THERE’S PADME NAMING THE KID “LUKE” THIS IS THE KID#THE WHOLE TIME HE WAS TRYING TO RUN AWAY FROM ANAKIN’S SON#NO WONDER HE COULDN’T ESCAPE#also no wonder he could fool this idiot to take off the restraining bolt#HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN#and he was ride or die forever#and about two days later he DID die#but he got better#so really WOW this guy IS the best#artoo detoo


: sniperct:

swan2swan:
We really don’t talk enough about how Artoo went into the desert to find Obi-Wan because no kid would be stupid enough to follow him into Tusken territory and then this kid chases him down and gets beaten up and his unconscious body is dragged back to his landspeeder and Artoo looked down and went “This one. This one knows how to have a good time.”

#he’d had adventures but really all those rebels were too cautious for him#he’d served Anakin Skywalker there was just no coming back#and then there’s this nerdy kid who kinda sorta reminds him of that guy#and then Obi-Wan says “your father wanted you to have this” and pulls out ANAKIN’S KRIFFING LIGHTSABER#and Artoo just EXPLODES because NO WAY THIS IS THAT KID??!#and he cross-references his old memory banks and THERE’S PADME NAMING THE KID “LUKE” THIS IS THE KID#THE WHOLE TIME HE WAS TRYING TO RUN AWAY FROM ANAKIN’S SON#NO WONDER HE COULDN’T ESCAPE#also no wonder he could fool this idiot to take off the restraining bolt#HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN#and he was ride or die forever#and about two days later he DID die#but he got better#so really WOW this guy IS the best#artoo detoo



                    
                
            

            
                
                
sniperct:

swan2swan:
We really don’t talk enough about how Artoo went into the desert to find Obi-Wan because no kid would be stupid eno...

                
            
            
        

    

    

        
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        takamatsu-kun:



Can I please just talk about MCU Proxima Midnight I love her so much and have SO MANY feelings about her aaaaah

Y’all know I love reinterpreting Marvel aliens I like so here are some notes on my design of her because I love coming up with alien physiology/biology:- I turned her warpaint into facial markings so that’s just her skin now- She got a lot of markings tbh because I want them- She’s got very fine scales as opposed to human like skin, cream colored scales are a lot finer and harder to see, you can’t really tell unless you’re looking VERY closely (which means soft tummy huehuehue) skin texture’s similar to a snake in terms of feel but the scales are fairly tough, especially the closer you get to the spine.- Back spines can raise and lower like hackles but can also be ‘locked’ down when she needs to wear something (tho they’ll flare up when any feelings are at level 100)- Shiny blue iridescence that’s primarily confined to the darkest blue scales- “White” scales are really just blue reflecting the light so she has that shimmery night sky look because hello somebody- Light blue lines are for regulating body temperature- particularly for cooling. Skin is very thin there with blood vessels being close to the surface (hence why they’re blue bc her blood is a light blue color) to let off heat. The vents can expand and contract based on whether she needs to hold or release body heat. (She’s been described in canon to have a really low body temperature, actually feeling cold to the touch so she’s constantly venting heat through cooling her blood.) They’re also very sensitive ofc, important information.- Sharp nails - Also sharp teeth because I must remain on brand- And ofc she’s buff as hell


HNNNNNNNNN BUFF ❤️❤️❤️❤️: takamatsu-kun:



Can I please just talk about MCU Proxima Midnight I love her so much and have SO MANY feelings about her aaaaah

Y’all know I love reinterpreting Marvel aliens I like so here are some notes on my design of her because I love coming up with alien physiology/biology:- I turned her warpaint into facial markings so that’s just her skin now- She got a lot of markings tbh because I want them- She’s got very fine scales as opposed to human like skin, cream colored scales are a lot finer and harder to see, you can’t really tell unless you’re looking VERY closely (which means soft tummy huehuehue) skin texture’s similar to a snake in terms of feel but the scales are fairly tough, especially the closer you get to the spine.- Back spines can raise and lower like hackles but can also be ‘locked’ down when she needs to wear something (tho they’ll flare up when any feelings are at level 100)- Shiny blue iridescence that’s primarily confined to the darkest blue scales- “White” scales are really just blue reflecting the light so she has that shimmery night sky look because hello somebody- Light blue lines are for regulating body temperature- particularly for cooling. Skin is very thin there with blood vessels being close to the surface (hence why they’re blue bc her blood is a light blue color) to let off heat. The vents can expand and contract based on whether she needs to hold or release body heat. (She’s been described in canon to have a really low body temperature, actually feeling cold to the touch so she’s constantly venting heat through cooling her blood.) They’re also very sensitive ofc, important information.- Sharp nails - Also sharp teeth because I must remain on brand- And ofc she’s buff as hell


HNNNNNNNNN BUFF ❤️❤️❤️❤️
        

            
            

                
                
                    takamatsu-kun:



Can I please just talk about MCU Proxima Midnight I love her so much and have SO MANY feelings about her aaaaah

Y’all know I love reinterpreting Marvel aliens I like so here are some notes on my design of her because I love coming up with alien physiology/biology:- I turned her warpaint into facial markings so that’s just her skin now- She got a lot of markings tbh because I want them- She’s got very fine scales as opposed to human like skin, cream colored scales are a lot finer and harder to see, you can’t really tell unless you’re looking VERY closely (which means soft tummy huehuehue) skin texture’s similar to a snake in terms of feel but the scales are fairly tough, especially the closer you get to the spine.- Back spines can raise and lower like hackles but can also be ‘locked’ down when she needs to wear something (tho they’ll flare up when any feelings are at level 100)- Shiny blue iridescence that’s primarily confined to the darkest blue scales- “White” scales are really just blue reflecting the light so she has that shimmery night sky look because hello somebody- Light blue lines are for regulating body temperature- particularly for cooling. Skin is very thin there with blood vessels being close to the surface (hence why they’re blue bc her blood is a light blue color) to let off heat. The vents can expand and contract based on whether she needs to hold or release body heat. (She’s been described in canon to have a really low body temperature, actually feeling cold to the touch so she’s constantly venting heat through cooling her blood.) They’re also very sensitive ofc, important information.- Sharp nails - Also sharp teeth because I must remain on brand- And ofc she’s buff as hell


HNNNNNNNNN BUFF ❤️❤️❤️❤️: takamatsu-kun:



Can I please just talk about MCU Proxima Midnight I love her so much and have SO MANY feelings about her aaaaah

Y’all know I love reinterpreting Marvel aliens I like so here are some notes on my design of her because I love coming up with alien physiology/biology:- I turned her warpaint into facial markings so that’s just her skin now- She got a lot of markings tbh because I want them- She’s got very fine scales as opposed to human like skin, cream colored scales are a lot finer and harder to see, you can’t really tell unless you’re looking VERY closely (which means soft tummy huehuehue) skin texture’s similar to a snake in terms of feel but the scales are fairly tough, especially the closer you get to the spine.- Back spines can raise and lower like hackles but can also be ‘locked’ down when she needs to wear something (tho they’ll flare up when any feelings are at level 100)- Shiny blue iridescence that’s primarily confined to the darkest blue scales- “White” scales are really just blue reflecting the light so she has that shimmery night sky look because hello somebody- Light blue lines are for regulating body temperature- particularly for cooling. Skin is very thin there with blood vessels being close to the surface (hence why they’re blue bc her blood is a light blue color) to let off heat. The vents can expand and contract based on whether she needs to hold or release body heat. (She’s been described in canon to have a really low body temperature, actually feeling cold to the touch so she’s constantly venting heat through cooling her blood.) They’re also very sensitive ofc, important information.- Sharp nails - Also sharp teeth because I must remain on brand- And ofc she’s buff as hell


HNNNNNNNNN BUFF ❤️❤️❤️❤️
                    
                
            

            
                
                
takamatsu-kun:



Can I please just talk about MCU Proxima Midnight I love her so much and have SO MANY feelings about her aaaaah

Y’all...

                
            
            
        

    

    

        
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        ryanthedemiboy:
gahdamnpunk:
The government does not care about minorities and poor folk.


I understand why you’d caption it like that, but this is specifically about indigenous Americans and how the US treats them.
The US hates other minorities and poor folk, but please don’t take attention from this.
All those other people have a chance at being treated. But people on the reservations… don’t. They were literally given body bags.
Here’s the Navajo and Hopi relief fund on gofundme
You can also donate through here if you’d like to avoid supporting gofundme.
Here is the official Navajo Nation relief fund, posted by their President on twitter (link to tweet).
Oh, also, many of them don’t have running water (and never have). Link
: ryanthedemiboy:
gahdamnpunk:
The government does not care about minorities and poor folk.


I understand why you’d caption it like that, but this is specifically about indigenous Americans and how the US treats them.
The US hates other minorities and poor folk, but please don’t take attention from this.
All those other people have a chance at being treated. But people on the reservations… don’t. They were literally given body bags.
Here’s the Navajo and Hopi relief fund on gofundme
You can also donate through here if you’d like to avoid supporting gofundme.
Here is the official Navajo Nation relief fund, posted by their President on twitter (link to tweet).
Oh, also, many of them don’t have running water (and never have). Link

        

            
            

                
                
                    ryanthedemiboy:
gahdamnpunk:
The government does not care about minorities and poor folk.


I understand why you’d caption it like that, but this is specifically about indigenous Americans and how the US treats them.
The US hates other minorities and poor folk, but please don’t take attention from this.
All those other people have a chance at being treated. But people on the reservations… don’t. They were literally given body bags.
Here’s the Navajo and Hopi relief fund on gofundme
You can also donate through here if you’d like to avoid supporting gofundme.
Here is the official Navajo Nation relief fund, posted by their President on twitter (link to tweet).
Oh, also, many of them don’t have running water (and never have). Link
: ryanthedemiboy:
gahdamnpunk:
The government does not care about minorities and poor folk.


I understand why you’d caption it like that, but this is specifically about indigenous Americans and how the US treats them.
The US hates other minorities and poor folk, but please don’t take attention from this.
All those other people have a chance at being treated. But people on the reservations… don’t. They were literally given body bags.
Here’s the Navajo and Hopi relief fund on gofundme
You can also donate through here if you’d like to avoid supporting gofundme.
Here is the official Navajo Nation relief fund, posted by their President on twitter (link to tweet).
Oh, also, many of them don’t have running water (and never have). Link

                    
                
            

            
                
                
ryanthedemiboy:
gahdamnpunk:
The government does not care about minorities and poor folk.


I understand why you’d caption it like that,...

                
            
            
        

    

    

        
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        rubitrightintomyeyes:

theonion:

Rock Apparently Factors Into Girlfriend’s Shower Routine
SEATTLE—Saying he was confused about the full extent of its purpose as well as its overall benefit, local man Jacob Ferris, 25, nonetheless surmised today that the oblong rock located in girlfriend Sarah Milstein’s shower caddy must somehow factor into her bathing routine, sources confirmed.
“I guess at some point while she’s showering, she rubs a rock on her body,” said Ferris, expressing what he claimed was “the only possible conclusion” about the light-gray rock in his girlfriend’s bathroom. “I mean, it looks sort of nice, so she could just have it there for decoration or something. But it’s usually right near all the other soaps and her loofah, so I think it’s probably something she actually uses while under the water.”
“I really don’t know how it all works,” Ferris added. “All I know is that in between Sarah getting into the shower and getting out, there’s a rock involved.”
Ferris, who said he was unable to determine exactly when in the showering process the rock first comes into play, told reporters he is equally clueless about what part of the body the rock is used on.
In addition, Ferris said he occasionally inspects the roughly 3-ounce object when he’s in Milstein’s shower, and told reporters that the rock is nearly always wet and is occasionally moved to slightly different spots within the bathtub, leading him to believe that his girlfriend uses it fairly regularly. He also noted his girlfriend’s bathing time never seems particularly longer than the average person’s considering she has added a rock into the mix.
Ferris added that all attempts to incorporate the rock into his own shower routine have ultimately been unsuccessful.
“I tried rubbing it on my skin once, and it hurt,” Ferris said, concluding that pouring soap and water directly onto the rock neither made it softer nor easier on his skin. “I could maybe see how it could get some dirt off of your body, but it seems too painful to work. Her skin usually looks nice though, so maybe I’m wrong.”
“There is a chance it could be a hair thing,” Ferris continued. “Maybe she rubs the rock in her hair? I don’t know.”
Ferris confirmed he has considered numerous reasons for why his girlfriend uses the rock in the shower, including that she has some type of skin condition, that the rock is some sort of weird tradition her family has, or that everyone uses rocks in the shower and he has been out of the loop the entire time.
“It could be for cleaning the bathtub,” said Ferris, adding he once suspected the rock was a device for making the bathroom smell nice, but then noticed it had no discernible smell whatsoever. “Like every few weekends she scrubs the tub with this rock? I guess I could see Sarah doing that.”
While Ferris said he is mostly certain that the rock was initially purchased at a home goods store of some kind, he was not able to completely rule out the possibility it was just a rock that his girlfriend found on the ground and decided to put in her shower.
“I wonder if I should put a rock in my shower for when she’s over here,” said Ferris, who said he once tried to locate a rock at a Bed Bath & Beyond, but left after not wanting to walk up to a sales clerk and ask them where they kept their “shower rocks.” “Or I could just tell her to leave a rock at my place if she wants.”
“I’m probably not going to do that,” Ferris added.
At press time, a visibly perplexed Ferris had seen the rock sitting in Milstein’s trashcan and then looked in the shower to see another rock sitting in its place.


: rubitrightintomyeyes:

theonion:

Rock Apparently Factors Into Girlfriend’s Shower Routine
SEATTLE—Saying he was confused about the full extent of its purpose as well as its overall benefit, local man Jacob Ferris, 25, nonetheless surmised today that the oblong rock located in girlfriend Sarah Milstein’s shower caddy must somehow factor into her bathing routine, sources confirmed.
“I guess at some point while she’s showering, she rubs a rock on her body,” said Ferris, expressing what he claimed was “the only possible conclusion” about the light-gray rock in his girlfriend’s bathroom. “I mean, it looks sort of nice, so she could just have it there for decoration or something. But it’s usually right near all the other soaps and her loofah, so I think it’s probably something she actually uses while under the water.”
“I really don’t know how it all works,” Ferris added. “All I know is that in between Sarah getting into the shower and getting out, there’s a rock involved.”
Ferris, who said he was unable to determine exactly when in the showering process the rock first comes into play, told reporters he is equally clueless about what part of the body the rock is used on.
In addition, Ferris said he occasionally inspects the roughly 3-ounce object when he’s in Milstein’s shower, and told reporters that the rock is nearly always wet and is occasionally moved to slightly different spots within the bathtub, leading him to believe that his girlfriend uses it fairly regularly. He also noted his girlfriend’s bathing time never seems particularly longer than the average person’s considering she has added a rock into the mix.
Ferris added that all attempts to incorporate the rock into his own shower routine have ultimately been unsuccessful.
“I tried rubbing it on my skin once, and it hurt,” Ferris said, concluding that pouring soap and water directly onto the rock neither made it softer nor easier on his skin. “I could maybe see how it could get some dirt off of your body, but it seems too painful to work. Her skin usually looks nice though, so maybe I’m wrong.”
“There is a chance it could be a hair thing,” Ferris continued. “Maybe she rubs the rock in her hair? I don’t know.”
Ferris confirmed he has considered numerous reasons for why his girlfriend uses the rock in the shower, including that she has some type of skin condition, that the rock is some sort of weird tradition her family has, or that everyone uses rocks in the shower and he has been out of the loop the entire time.
“It could be for cleaning the bathtub,” said Ferris, adding he once suspected the rock was a device for making the bathroom smell nice, but then noticed it had no discernible smell whatsoever. “Like every few weekends she scrubs the tub with this rock? I guess I could see Sarah doing that.”
While Ferris said he is mostly certain that the rock was initially purchased at a home goods store of some kind, he was not able to completely rule out the possibility it was just a rock that his girlfriend found on the ground and decided to put in her shower.
“I wonder if I should put a rock in my shower for when she’s over here,” said Ferris, who said he once tried to locate a rock at a Bed Bath & Beyond, but left after not wanting to walk up to a sales clerk and ask them where they kept their “shower rocks.” “Or I could just tell her to leave a rock at my place if she wants.”
“I’m probably not going to do that,” Ferris added.
At press time, a visibly perplexed Ferris had seen the rock sitting in Milstein’s trashcan and then looked in the shower to see another rock sitting in its place.



        

            
            

                
                
                    rubitrightintomyeyes:

theonion:

Rock Apparently Factors Into Girlfriend’s Shower Routine
SEATTLE—Saying he was confused about the full extent of its purpose as well as its overall benefit, local man Jacob Ferris, 25, nonetheless surmised today that the oblong rock located in girlfriend Sarah Milstein’s shower caddy must somehow factor into her bathing routine, sources confirmed.
“I guess at some point while she’s showering, she rubs a rock on her body,” said Ferris, expressing what he claimed was “the only possible conclusion” about the light-gray rock in his girlfriend’s bathroom. “I mean, it looks sort of nice, so she could just have it there for decoration or something. But it’s usually right near all the other soaps and her loofah, so I think it’s probably something she actually uses while under the water.”
“I really don’t know how it all works,” Ferris added. “All I know is that in between Sarah getting into the shower and getting out, there’s a rock involved.”
Ferris, who said he was unable to determine exactly when in the showering process the rock first comes into play, told reporters he is equally clueless about what part of the body the rock is used on.
In addition, Ferris said he occasionally inspects the roughly 3-ounce object when he’s in Milstein’s shower, and told reporters that the rock is nearly always wet and is occasionally moved to slightly different spots within the bathtub, leading him to believe that his girlfriend uses it fairly regularly. He also noted his girlfriend’s bathing time never seems particularly longer than the average person’s considering she has added a rock into the mix.
Ferris added that all attempts to incorporate the rock into his own shower routine have ultimately been unsuccessful.
“I tried rubbing it on my skin once, and it hurt,” Ferris said, concluding that pouring soap and water directly onto the rock neither made it softer nor easier on his skin. “I could maybe see how it could get some dirt off of your body, but it seems too painful to work. Her skin usually looks nice though, so maybe I’m wrong.”
“There is a chance it could be a hair thing,” Ferris continued. “Maybe she rubs the rock in her hair? I don’t know.”
Ferris confirmed he has considered numerous reasons for why his girlfriend uses the rock in the shower, including that she has some type of skin condition, that the rock is some sort of weird tradition her family has, or that everyone uses rocks in the shower and he has been out of the loop the entire time.
“It could be for cleaning the bathtub,” said Ferris, adding he once suspected the rock was a device for making the bathroom smell nice, but then noticed it had no discernible smell whatsoever. “Like every few weekends she scrubs the tub with this rock? I guess I could see Sarah doing that.”
While Ferris said he is mostly certain that the rock was initially purchased at a home goods store of some kind, he was not able to completely rule out the possibility it was just a rock that his girlfriend found on the ground and decided to put in her shower.
“I wonder if I should put a rock in my shower for when she’s over here,” said Ferris, who said he once tried to locate a rock at a Bed Bath & Beyond, but left after not wanting to walk up to a sales clerk and ask them where they kept their “shower rocks.” “Or I could just tell her to leave a rock at my place if she wants.”
“I’m probably not going to do that,” Ferris added.
At press time, a visibly perplexed Ferris had seen the rock sitting in Milstein’s trashcan and then looked in the shower to see another rock sitting in its place.


: rubitrightintomyeyes:

theonion:

Rock Apparently Factors Into Girlfriend’s Shower Routine
SEATTLE—Saying he was confused about the full extent of its purpose as well as its overall benefit, local man Jacob Ferris, 25, nonetheless surmised today that the oblong rock located in girlfriend Sarah Milstein’s shower caddy must somehow factor into her bathing routine, sources confirmed.
“I guess at some point while she’s showering, she rubs a rock on her body,” said Ferris, expressing what he claimed was “the only possible conclusion” about the light-gray rock in his girlfriend’s bathroom. “I mean, it looks sort of nice, so she could just have it there for decoration or something. But it’s usually right near all the other soaps and her loofah, so I think it’s probably something she actually uses while under the water.”
“I really don’t know how it all works,” Ferris added. “All I know is that in between Sarah getting into the shower and getting out, there’s a rock involved.”
Ferris, who said he was unable to determine exactly when in the showering process the rock first comes into play, told reporters he is equally clueless about what part of the body the rock is used on.
In addition, Ferris said he occasionally inspects the roughly 3-ounce object when he’s in Milstein’s shower, and told reporters that the rock is nearly always wet and is occasionally moved to slightly different spots within the bathtub, leading him to believe that his girlfriend uses it fairly regularly. He also noted his girlfriend’s bathing time never seems particularly longer than the average person’s considering she has added a rock into the mix.
Ferris added that all attempts to incorporate the rock into his own shower routine have ultimately been unsuccessful.
“I tried rubbing it on my skin once, and it hurt,” Ferris said, concluding that pouring soap and water directly onto the rock neither made it softer nor easier on his skin. “I could maybe see how it could get some dirt off of your body, but it seems too painful to work. Her skin usually looks nice though, so maybe I’m wrong.”
“There is a chance it could be a hair thing,” Ferris continued. “Maybe she rubs the rock in her hair? I don’t know.”
Ferris confirmed he has considered numerous reasons for why his girlfriend uses the rock in the shower, including that she has some type of skin condition, that the rock is some sort of weird tradition her family has, or that everyone uses rocks in the shower and he has been out of the loop the entire time.
“It could be for cleaning the bathtub,” said Ferris, adding he once suspected the rock was a device for making the bathroom smell nice, but then noticed it had no discernible smell whatsoever. “Like every few weekends she scrubs the tub with this rock? I guess I could see Sarah doing that.”
While Ferris said he is mostly certain that the rock was initially purchased at a home goods store of some kind, he was not able to completely rule out the possibility it was just a rock that his girlfriend found on the ground and decided to put in her shower.
“I wonder if I should put a rock in my shower for when she’s over here,” said Ferris, who said he once tried to locate a rock at a Bed Bath & Beyond, but left after not wanting to walk up to a sales clerk and ask them where they kept their “shower rocks.” “Or I could just tell her to leave a rock at my place if she wants.”
“I’m probably not going to do that,” Ferris added.
At press time, a visibly perplexed Ferris had seen the rock sitting in Milstein’s trashcan and then looked in the shower to see another rock sitting in its place.



                    
                
            

            
                
                
rubitrightintomyeyes:

theonion:

Rock Apparently Factors Into Girlfriend’s Shower Routine
SEATTLE—Saying he was confused about the full...

                
            
            
        

    

    

        
Save

    



        

    

    
    

        

            








        

    

    
    

        

            








        

    

    
    

        

            









    

        
        
        
        
        
        
        
    

    

        serbianslayer:
nonenosome:

serbianslayer:


nonenosome:

serbianslayer:


nonenosome:

the-anon-recovery-group:

Um… 😐… what? 


Looks like after a doctor said that bleach, isopropyl alcohol, and UV light could kill the virus, he pondered whether that could somehow be used inside the body as a treatment. He then followed up saying to consult a doctor but, of course, nobody seems to care about that part. 

nobody cares about that because any competent person with a 3rd-grade education wouldn’t even think to ask if you can inject disinfectant into your body



I know. How could anyone ever think that injecting a poison into your body could cure you. Guess things like chemotherapy don’t exist.

go ahead, inject bleach into your body dude



Naw. I think I will do what he said and consult a doctor. The fact that you don’t seem to understand that part of it is honestly a bit strange. 

ask your doctor if you should inject bleach into your body and they will laugh at you
: serbianslayer:
nonenosome:

serbianslayer:


nonenosome:

serbianslayer:


nonenosome:

the-anon-recovery-group:

Um… 😐… what? 


Looks like after a doctor said that bleach, isopropyl alcohol, and UV light could kill the virus, he pondered whether that could somehow be used inside the body as a treatment. He then followed up saying to consult a doctor but, of course, nobody seems to care about that part. 

nobody cares about that because any competent person with a 3rd-grade education wouldn’t even think to ask if you can inject disinfectant into your body



I know. How could anyone ever think that injecting a poison into your body could cure you. Guess things like chemotherapy don’t exist.

go ahead, inject bleach into your body dude



Naw. I think I will do what he said and consult a doctor. The fact that you don’t seem to understand that part of it is honestly a bit strange. 

ask your doctor if you should inject bleach into your body and they will laugh at you

        

            
            

                
                
                    serbianslayer:
nonenosome:

serbianslayer:


nonenosome:

serbianslayer:


nonenosome:

the-anon-recovery-group:

Um… 😐… what? 


Looks like after a doctor said that bleach, isopropyl alcohol, and UV light could kill the virus, he pondered whether that could somehow be used inside the body as a treatment. He then followed up saying to consult a doctor but, of course, nobody seems to care about that part. 

nobody cares about that because any competent person with a 3rd-grade education wouldn’t even think to ask if you can inject disinfectant into your body



I know. How could anyone ever think that injecting a poison into your body could cure you. Guess things like chemotherapy don’t exist.

go ahead, inject bleach into your body dude



Naw. I think I will do what he said and consult a doctor. The fact that you don’t seem to understand that part of it is honestly a bit strange. 

ask your doctor if you should inject bleach into your body and they will laugh at you
: serbianslayer:
nonenosome:

serbianslayer:


nonenosome:

serbianslayer:


nonenosome:

the-anon-recovery-group:

Um… 😐… what? 


Looks like after a doctor said that bleach, isopropyl alcohol, and UV light could kill the virus, he pondered whether that could somehow be used inside the body as a treatment. He then followed up saying to consult a doctor but, of course, nobody seems to care about that part. 

nobody cares about that because any competent person with a 3rd-grade education wouldn’t even think to ask if you can inject disinfectant into your body



I know. How could anyone ever think that injecting a poison into your body could cure you. Guess things like chemotherapy don’t exist.

go ahead, inject bleach into your body dude



Naw. I think I will do what he said and consult a doctor. The fact that you don’t seem to understand that part of it is honestly a bit strange. 

ask your doctor if you should inject bleach into your body and they will laugh at you

                    
                
            

            
                
                
serbianslayer:
nonenosome:

serbianslayer:


nonenosome:

serbianslayer:


nonenosome:

the-anon-recovery-group:

Um… 😐… what? 


Looks l...

                
            
            
        

    

    

        
Save

    



        

    

    
    

        

            








        

    

    
    

        

            








        

    

    
    

        

            









    

        
        
        
        
        
        
        
    

    

        cereusblue:
unnameablethings:


dragonsateyourtoast:

redporkpadthai:

dragonsateyourtoast:

otherwindow:

otherwindow:
This is how the golden age of piracy ended.
The first mermaid to get tattoos :)


“we didn’t know any better,” the crewman says, and swallows, presenting the chest to the captain. “what do we do now?”
“kill it,” the captain says, but the ice is melting in his eyes.
“we can’t,” the first mate says desperately, praying she won’t have to fight her captain on this. “we can’t. we - i won’t. we won’t.”
“i know.”
x
“daddy,” she says, floating in a tub of seawater in the hold, “daddy, la-la, la-la-la.”
her voice rings like bells. her accent is strange; her mouth isn’t made for human words. it mesmerises even the hardiest amongst them and she wasn’t even trying. the crew has taken to diving for shellfish near the shorelines for her; she loves them, splitting the shells apart with strength seen in no human toddler, slurping down the slimy molluscs inside and laughing, all plump brown cheeks and needle-sharp teeth. she sometimes splashes them for fun with her smooth, rubbery brown tail. even when they get soaked they laugh. they love her.
“daddy,” she calls again, and he can hear the worry in her voice. the storm rocking the ship is harsh and uncaring, and if they go down, she would be the only survivor.
“don’t worry,” he says, and goes over, sitting next to the tub. the first mate, leaning against the wall, pretends not to notice as he quietly begins to sing.
x
“father,” she says, one day, as she leans on the edge of the dock and the captain sits next to her, “why am I here?”
“your mother abandoned you,” he says, as he always has. “we found you adrift, and couldn’t bear to leave you there.”
she picks at the salt-soaked boards, uncertain. her hair is pulled back in a fluffy black puff, the white linen holding it slipping almost over one of her dark eyes. one of her first tattoos, a many-limbed kraken, curls over her right shoulder and down her arm, delicate tendrils wrapped around her calloused fingertips. “alright,” she says.
x
“why am I really here?” she asks the first mate, watching the sun set over the water in streaks of liquid metal that pooled in the troughs of the waves and glittered on the seafoam.
“we didn’t know any better,” the first mate says, staring into the water. “we didn’t know- we didn’t know anything. we didn’t understand why she fought so viciously to guard her treasure. we could not know she protected something a thousand times more precious than the purest gold.”
she wants to be furious, but she can’t. she already knew the answer, from reading the guilt in her father’s eyes and the empty space in her own history. and she can’t hate her family.
“it’s alright,” she says. “i do have a family, anyways. i don’t think i would have liked my other life near as much.”
x
her kraken grows, spreading its tendrils over her torso and arms. she grows too, too large to come on board the ship without being hauled up in a boat from the water. she sings when the storms come and swims before the ship to guide it to safety. she fights off more than one beast of the seas, and gathers a set of scars across her back that she bears with pride. “i don’t mind,” she says, when the captain fusses over her, “now i match all of you.”
the first time their ship is threatened, really threatened, is by another fleet. a friend turned enemy of the first mate. “we shouldn’t fight him,” she says, peering through the spyglass.
“why not?” the mermaid asks.
“he’ll win,” the first mate says.
the mermaid tips her head sideways. Her eyes, dark as the deep waters, gleam in the noon light. “are you sure?” she asks.
x
the enemy fleet surrenders after the flagship is sunk in the night, the anchor ripped off the ship and the planks torn off the hull. the surviving crew, wild-eyed and delirious, whimper and say a sea serpent came from the water and attacked them, say it was longer than the boat and crushed it in its coils. the first mate hears this and has to hide her laughter. the captain apologizes to his daughter for doubting her.
“don’t worry,” she says, with a bright laugh, “it was fun.”
x
the second time, they are pushed by a storm into a royal fleet. they can’t possibly fight them, and they don’t have the time to escape.
“let me up,” the mermaid urges, surfacing starboard and shouting to the crew. “bring me up, quickly, quickly.”
they lower the boat and she piles her sinous form into it, and uses her claws to help the crew pull her up. once on the deck she flops out of the boat and makes her way over to the bow. the crew tries to help but she’s so heavy they can barely lift parts of her.
she crawls up out in front of the rail and wraps her long webbed tail around the prow. the figurehead has served them well so far but they need more right now. she wraps herself around the figurehead and raises her body up into the wind takes a breath of the stinging salt air and sings.
the storm carries her voice on its front to the royal navy. they are enchanted, so stunned by her song that they drop the rigging ropes and let the tillers drift. the pirates sail through the center of the fleet, trailing the storm behind them, and by the time the fleet has managed to regain its senses they are buried in wind and rain and the pirates are gone.
x
she declines guns. instead she carries a harpoon and its launcher, and uses them to board enemy ships, hauling her massive form out of the water to coil on the deck and dispatch enemies with ruthless efficiency. her family is feared across all the sea.
x
“you know we are dying,” the captain says, looking down at her.
she floats next to the ship, so massive she could hold it in her arms. her eyes are wise.
“i know,” she says, “i can feel it coming.”
the first mate stands next to the captain. she never had a lover or a child, and neither did he, but to the mermaid they are her parents. she will always love her daughter. the tattoos are graven in dark swirls across the mermaid’s deep brown skin and the flesh of her tail, even spiraling onto the spiked webbing on her spine and face. her hair is still tied back, this time with a sail that could not be patched one last time. 
“we love you,” the first mate says simply, looking down. her own tightly coiled black hair falls in to her face; she shakes the locs out of the way and smiles through her tears. the captain pretends he isnt crying either.
“i love you too,” the mermaid says, and reached up to pull the ship down just a bit, just to hold them one last time.
“guard the ship,” the captain says. “you always have but you know they’re lost without you.”
“without you,” the mermaid corrects, with a shrug that makes waves. “what will we do?”
“i don’t know,” the captain says. “but you’ll help them, won’t you?”
“of course i will,” she scoffs, rolling her eyes. “i will always protect my family.”
x
the captain and the first mate are gone. the ship has a new captain, young and fearless - of the things she can afford to disregard. she fears and loves the ocean, as all captains do. she does not fear the royal fleet. and she does not fear the mermaid.
“you know, i heard stories about you when i was a little girl,” she says, trailing her fingers in the water next to the dock.
the mermaid stares at her with one eye the size of a dinner table. “is that so?” she hums, smirking with teeth sharper than the swords of the entire navy.
“they said you could sink an entire fleet and that you had skin tougher than dragon scales,” the new captain says, grinning right back at the monster who could eat her without a moment’s hesitation. “i always thought they were telling tall tales.”
“and now?”
“they were right,” the new captain says. “how did they ever befriend you?”
the mermaid smiles, fully this time, her dark eyes gleaming under the white linen sail. “they didn’t know any better.”

She protects her family.

Hi everybody! Guess what’s being posted on AO3 now at the following link!
https://archiveofourown.org/works/22498384/chapters/53760817
That’s right! Here you go. I’ll be uploading it in some chunks, because I want to make sure I have everything I wanted edited cleanly finished, but follow the story there!




HEY GUYS GUESS WHATS BACK ON THE DASHBOARD AND BETTER THAN EVER
: cereusblue:
unnameablethings:


dragonsateyourtoast:

redporkpadthai:

dragonsateyourtoast:

otherwindow:

otherwindow:
This is how the golden age of piracy ended.
The first mermaid to get tattoos :)


“we didn’t know any better,” the crewman says, and swallows, presenting the chest to the captain. “what do we do now?”
“kill it,” the captain says, but the ice is melting in his eyes.
“we can’t,” the first mate says desperately, praying she won’t have to fight her captain on this. “we can’t. we - i won’t. we won’t.”
“i know.”
x
“daddy,” she says, floating in a tub of seawater in the hold, “daddy, la-la, la-la-la.”
her voice rings like bells. her accent is strange; her mouth isn’t made for human words. it mesmerises even the hardiest amongst them and she wasn’t even trying. the crew has taken to diving for shellfish near the shorelines for her; she loves them, splitting the shells apart with strength seen in no human toddler, slurping down the slimy molluscs inside and laughing, all plump brown cheeks and needle-sharp teeth. she sometimes splashes them for fun with her smooth, rubbery brown tail. even when they get soaked they laugh. they love her.
“daddy,” she calls again, and he can hear the worry in her voice. the storm rocking the ship is harsh and uncaring, and if they go down, she would be the only survivor.
“don’t worry,” he says, and goes over, sitting next to the tub. the first mate, leaning against the wall, pretends not to notice as he quietly begins to sing.
x
“father,” she says, one day, as she leans on the edge of the dock and the captain sits next to her, “why am I here?”
“your mother abandoned you,” he says, as he always has. “we found you adrift, and couldn’t bear to leave you there.”
she picks at the salt-soaked boards, uncertain. her hair is pulled back in a fluffy black puff, the white linen holding it slipping almost over one of her dark eyes. one of her first tattoos, a many-limbed kraken, curls over her right shoulder and down her arm, delicate tendrils wrapped around her calloused fingertips. “alright,” she says.
x
“why am I really here?” she asks the first mate, watching the sun set over the water in streaks of liquid metal that pooled in the troughs of the waves and glittered on the seafoam.
“we didn’t know any better,” the first mate says, staring into the water. “we didn’t know- we didn’t know anything. we didn’t understand why she fought so viciously to guard her treasure. we could not know she protected something a thousand times more precious than the purest gold.”
she wants to be furious, but she can’t. she already knew the answer, from reading the guilt in her father’s eyes and the empty space in her own history. and she can’t hate her family.
“it’s alright,” she says. “i do have a family, anyways. i don’t think i would have liked my other life near as much.”
x
her kraken grows, spreading its tendrils over her torso and arms. she grows too, too large to come on board the ship without being hauled up in a boat from the water. she sings when the storms come and swims before the ship to guide it to safety. she fights off more than one beast of the seas, and gathers a set of scars across her back that she bears with pride. “i don’t mind,” she says, when the captain fusses over her, “now i match all of you.”
the first time their ship is threatened, really threatened, is by another fleet. a friend turned enemy of the first mate. “we shouldn’t fight him,” she says, peering through the spyglass.
“why not?” the mermaid asks.
“he’ll win,” the first mate says.
the mermaid tips her head sideways. Her eyes, dark as the deep waters, gleam in the noon light. “are you sure?” she asks.
x
the enemy fleet surrenders after the flagship is sunk in the night, the anchor ripped off the ship and the planks torn off the hull. the surviving crew, wild-eyed and delirious, whimper and say a sea serpent came from the water and attacked them, say it was longer than the boat and crushed it in its coils. the first mate hears this and has to hide her laughter. the captain apologizes to his daughter for doubting her.
“don’t worry,” she says, with a bright laugh, “it was fun.”
x
the second time, they are pushed by a storm into a royal fleet. they can’t possibly fight them, and they don’t have the time to escape.
“let me up,” the mermaid urges, surfacing starboard and shouting to the crew. “bring me up, quickly, quickly.”
they lower the boat and she piles her sinous form into it, and uses her claws to help the crew pull her up. once on the deck she flops out of the boat and makes her way over to the bow. the crew tries to help but she’s so heavy they can barely lift parts of her.
she crawls up out in front of the rail and wraps her long webbed tail around the prow. the figurehead has served them well so far but they need more right now. she wraps herself around the figurehead and raises her body up into the wind takes a breath of the stinging salt air and sings.
the storm carries her voice on its front to the royal navy. they are enchanted, so stunned by her song that they drop the rigging ropes and let the tillers drift. the pirates sail through the center of the fleet, trailing the storm behind them, and by the time the fleet has managed to regain its senses they are buried in wind and rain and the pirates are gone.
x
she declines guns. instead she carries a harpoon and its launcher, and uses them to board enemy ships, hauling her massive form out of the water to coil on the deck and dispatch enemies with ruthless efficiency. her family is feared across all the sea.
x
“you know we are dying,” the captain says, looking down at her.
she floats next to the ship, so massive she could hold it in her arms. her eyes are wise.
“i know,” she says, “i can feel it coming.”
the first mate stands next to the captain. she never had a lover or a child, and neither did he, but to the mermaid they are her parents. she will always love her daughter. the tattoos are graven in dark swirls across the mermaid’s deep brown skin and the flesh of her tail, even spiraling onto the spiked webbing on her spine and face. her hair is still tied back, this time with a sail that could not be patched one last time. 
“we love you,” the first mate says simply, looking down. her own tightly coiled black hair falls in to her face; she shakes the locs out of the way and smiles through her tears. the captain pretends he isnt crying either.
“i love you too,” the mermaid says, and reached up to pull the ship down just a bit, just to hold them one last time.
“guard the ship,” the captain says. “you always have but you know they’re lost without you.”
“without you,” the mermaid corrects, with a shrug that makes waves. “what will we do?”
“i don’t know,” the captain says. “but you’ll help them, won’t you?”
“of course i will,” she scoffs, rolling her eyes. “i will always protect my family.”
x
the captain and the first mate are gone. the ship has a new captain, young and fearless - of the things she can afford to disregard. she fears and loves the ocean, as all captains do. she does not fear the royal fleet. and she does not fear the mermaid.
“you know, i heard stories about you when i was a little girl,” she says, trailing her fingers in the water next to the dock.
the mermaid stares at her with one eye the size of a dinner table. “is that so?” she hums, smirking with teeth sharper than the swords of the entire navy.
“they said you could sink an entire fleet and that you had skin tougher than dragon scales,” the new captain says, grinning right back at the monster who could eat her without a moment’s hesitation. “i always thought they were telling tall tales.”
“and now?”
“they were right,” the new captain says. “how did they ever befriend you?”
the mermaid smiles, fully this time, her dark eyes gleaming under the white linen sail. “they didn’t know any better.”

She protects her family.

Hi everybody! Guess what’s being posted on AO3 now at the following link!
https://archiveofourown.org/works/22498384/chapters/53760817
That’s right! Here you go. I’ll be uploading it in some chunks, because I want to make sure I have everything I wanted edited cleanly finished, but follow the story there!




HEY GUYS GUESS WHATS BACK ON THE DASHBOARD AND BETTER THAN EVER

        

            
            

                
                
                    cereusblue:
unnameablethings:


dragonsateyourtoast:

redporkpadthai:

dragonsateyourtoast:

otherwindow:

otherwindow:
This is how the golden age of piracy ended.
The first mermaid to get tattoos :)


“we didn’t know any better,” the crewman says, and swallows, presenting the chest to the captain. “what do we do now?”
“kill it,” the captain says, but the ice is melting in his eyes.
“we can’t,” the first mate says desperately, praying she won’t have to fight her captain on this. “we can’t. we - i won’t. we won’t.”
“i know.”
x
“daddy,” she says, floating in a tub of seawater in the hold, “daddy, la-la, la-la-la.”
her voice rings like bells. her accent is strange; her mouth isn’t made for human words. it mesmerises even the hardiest amongst them and she wasn’t even trying. the crew has taken to diving for shellfish near the shorelines for her; she loves them, splitting the shells apart with strength seen in no human toddler, slurping down the slimy molluscs inside and laughing, all plump brown cheeks and needle-sharp teeth. she sometimes splashes them for fun with her smooth, rubbery brown tail. even when they get soaked they laugh. they love her.
“daddy,” she calls again, and he can hear the worry in her voice. the storm rocking the ship is harsh and uncaring, and if they go down, she would be the only survivor.
“don’t worry,” he says, and goes over, sitting next to the tub. the first mate, leaning against the wall, pretends not to notice as he quietly begins to sing.
x
“father,” she says, one day, as she leans on the edge of the dock and the captain sits next to her, “why am I here?”
“your mother abandoned you,” he says, as he always has. “we found you adrift, and couldn’t bear to leave you there.”
she picks at the salt-soaked boards, uncertain. her hair is pulled back in a fluffy black puff, the white linen holding it slipping almost over one of her dark eyes. one of her first tattoos, a many-limbed kraken, curls over her right shoulder and down her arm, delicate tendrils wrapped around her calloused fingertips. “alright,” she says.
x
“why am I really here?” she asks the first mate, watching the sun set over the water in streaks of liquid metal that pooled in the troughs of the waves and glittered on the seafoam.
“we didn’t know any better,” the first mate says, staring into the water. “we didn’t know- we didn’t know anything. we didn’t understand why she fought so viciously to guard her treasure. we could not know she protected something a thousand times more precious than the purest gold.”
she wants to be furious, but she can’t. she already knew the answer, from reading the guilt in her father’s eyes and the empty space in her own history. and she can’t hate her family.
“it’s alright,” she says. “i do have a family, anyways. i don’t think i would have liked my other life near as much.”
x
her kraken grows, spreading its tendrils over her torso and arms. she grows too, too large to come on board the ship without being hauled up in a boat from the water. she sings when the storms come and swims before the ship to guide it to safety. she fights off more than one beast of the seas, and gathers a set of scars across her back that she bears with pride. “i don’t mind,” she says, when the captain fusses over her, “now i match all of you.”
the first time their ship is threatened, really threatened, is by another fleet. a friend turned enemy of the first mate. “we shouldn’t fight him,” she says, peering through the spyglass.
“why not?” the mermaid asks.
“he’ll win,” the first mate says.
the mermaid tips her head sideways. Her eyes, dark as the deep waters, gleam in the noon light. “are you sure?” she asks.
x
the enemy fleet surrenders after the flagship is sunk in the night, the anchor ripped off the ship and the planks torn off the hull. the surviving crew, wild-eyed and delirious, whimper and say a sea serpent came from the water and attacked them, say it was longer than the boat and crushed it in its coils. the first mate hears this and has to hide her laughter. the captain apologizes to his daughter for doubting her.
“don’t worry,” she says, with a bright laugh, “it was fun.”
x
the second time, they are pushed by a storm into a royal fleet. they can’t possibly fight them, and they don’t have the time to escape.
“let me up,” the mermaid urges, surfacing starboard and shouting to the crew. “bring me up, quickly, quickly.”
they lower the boat and she piles her sinous form into it, and uses her claws to help the crew pull her up. once on the deck she flops out of the boat and makes her way over to the bow. the crew tries to help but she’s so heavy they can barely lift parts of her.
she crawls up out in front of the rail and wraps her long webbed tail around the prow. the figurehead has served them well so far but they need more right now. she wraps herself around the figurehead and raises her body up into the wind takes a breath of the stinging salt air and sings.
the storm carries her voice on its front to the royal navy. they are enchanted, so stunned by her song that they drop the rigging ropes and let the tillers drift. the pirates sail through the center of the fleet, trailing the storm behind them, and by the time the fleet has managed to regain its senses they are buried in wind and rain and the pirates are gone.
x
she declines guns. instead she carries a harpoon and its launcher, and uses them to board enemy ships, hauling her massive form out of the water to coil on the deck and dispatch enemies with ruthless efficiency. her family is feared across all the sea.
x
“you know we are dying,” the captain says, looking down at her.
she floats next to the ship, so massive she could hold it in her arms. her eyes are wise.
“i know,” she says, “i can feel it coming.”
the first mate stands next to the captain. she never had a lover or a child, and neither did he, but to the mermaid they are her parents. she will always love her daughter. the tattoos are graven in dark swirls across the mermaid’s deep brown skin and the flesh of her tail, even spiraling onto the spiked webbing on her spine and face. her hair is still tied back, this time with a sail that could not be patched one last time. 
“we love you,” the first mate says simply, looking down. her own tightly coiled black hair falls in to her face; she shakes the locs out of the way and smiles through her tears. the captain pretends he isnt crying either.
“i love you too,” the mermaid says, and reached up to pull the ship down just a bit, just to hold them one last time.
“guard the ship,” the captain says. “you always have but you know they’re lost without you.”
“without you,” the mermaid corrects, with a shrug that makes waves. “what will we do?”
“i don’t know,” the captain says. “but you’ll help them, won’t you?”
“of course i will,” she scoffs, rolling her eyes. “i will always protect my family.”
x
the captain and the first mate are gone. the ship has a new captain, young and fearless - of the things she can afford to disregard. she fears and loves the ocean, as all captains do. she does not fear the royal fleet. and she does not fear the mermaid.
“you know, i heard stories about you when i was a little girl,” she says, trailing her fingers in the water next to the dock.
the mermaid stares at her with one eye the size of a dinner table. “is that so?” she hums, smirking with teeth sharper than the swords of the entire navy.
“they said you could sink an entire fleet and that you had skin tougher than dragon scales,” the new captain says, grinning right back at the monster who could eat her without a moment’s hesitation. “i always thought they were telling tall tales.”
“and now?”
“they were right,” the new captain says. “how did they ever befriend you?”
the mermaid smiles, fully this time, her dark eyes gleaming under the white linen sail. “they didn’t know any better.”

She protects her family.

Hi everybody! Guess what’s being posted on AO3 now at the following link!
https://archiveofourown.org/works/22498384/chapters/53760817
That’s right! Here you go. I’ll be uploading it in some chunks, because I want to make sure I have everything I wanted edited cleanly finished, but follow the story there!




HEY GUYS GUESS WHATS BACK ON THE DASHBOARD AND BETTER THAN EVER
: cereusblue:
unnameablethings:


dragonsateyourtoast:

redporkpadthai:

dragonsateyourtoast:

otherwindow:

otherwindow:
This is how the golden age of piracy ended.
The first mermaid to get tattoos :)


“we didn’t know any better,” the crewman says, and swallows, presenting the chest to the captain. “what do we do now?”
“kill it,” the captain says, but the ice is melting in his eyes.
“we can’t,” the first mate says desperately, praying she won’t have to fight her captain on this. “we can’t. we - i won’t. we won’t.”
“i know.”
x
“daddy,” she says, floating in a tub of seawater in the hold, “daddy, la-la, la-la-la.”
her voice rings like bells. her accent is strange; her mouth isn’t made for human words. it mesmerises even the hardiest amongst them and she wasn’t even trying. the crew has taken to diving for shellfish near the shorelines for her; she loves them, splitting the shells apart with strength seen in no human toddler, slurping down the slimy molluscs inside and laughing, all plump brown cheeks and needle-sharp teeth. she sometimes splashes them for fun with her smooth, rubbery brown tail. even when they get soaked they laugh. they love her.
“daddy,” she calls again, and he can hear the worry in her voice. the storm rocking the ship is harsh and uncaring, and if they go down, she would be the only survivor.
“don’t worry,” he says, and goes over, sitting next to the tub. the first mate, leaning against the wall, pretends not to notice as he quietly begins to sing.
x
“father,” she says, one day, as she leans on the edge of the dock and the captain sits next to her, “why am I here?”
“your mother abandoned you,” he says, as he always has. “we found you adrift, and couldn’t bear to leave you there.”
she picks at the salt-soaked boards, uncertain. her hair is pulled back in a fluffy black puff, the white linen holding it slipping almost over one of her dark eyes. one of her first tattoos, a many-limbed kraken, curls over her right shoulder and down her arm, delicate tendrils wrapped around her calloused fingertips. “alright,” she says.
x
“why am I really here?” she asks the first mate, watching the sun set over the water in streaks of liquid metal that pooled in the troughs of the waves and glittered on the seafoam.
“we didn’t know any better,” the first mate says, staring into the water. “we didn’t know- we didn’t know anything. we didn’t understand why she fought so viciously to guard her treasure. we could not know she protected something a thousand times more precious than the purest gold.”
she wants to be furious, but she can’t. she already knew the answer, from reading the guilt in her father’s eyes and the empty space in her own history. and she can’t hate her family.
“it’s alright,” she says. “i do have a family, anyways. i don’t think i would have liked my other life near as much.”
x
her kraken grows, spreading its tendrils over her torso and arms. she grows too, too large to come on board the ship without being hauled up in a boat from the water. she sings when the storms come and swims before the ship to guide it to safety. she fights off more than one beast of the seas, and gathers a set of scars across her back that she bears with pride. “i don’t mind,” she says, when the captain fusses over her, “now i match all of you.”
the first time their ship is threatened, really threatened, is by another fleet. a friend turned enemy of the first mate. “we shouldn’t fight him,” she says, peering through the spyglass.
“why not?” the mermaid asks.
“he’ll win,” the first mate says.
the mermaid tips her head sideways. Her eyes, dark as the deep waters, gleam in the noon light. “are you sure?” she asks.
x
the enemy fleet surrenders after the flagship is sunk in the night, the anchor ripped off the ship and the planks torn off the hull. the surviving crew, wild-eyed and delirious, whimper and say a sea serpent came from the water and attacked them, say it was longer than the boat and crushed it in its coils. the first mate hears this and has to hide her laughter. the captain apologizes to his daughter for doubting her.
“don’t worry,” she says, with a bright laugh, “it was fun.”
x
the second time, they are pushed by a storm into a royal fleet. they can’t possibly fight them, and they don’t have the time to escape.
“let me up,” the mermaid urges, surfacing starboard and shouting to the crew. “bring me up, quickly, quickly.”
they lower the boat and she piles her sinous form into it, and uses her claws to help the crew pull her up. once on the deck she flops out of the boat and makes her way over to the bow. the crew tries to help but she’s so heavy they can barely lift parts of her.
she crawls up out in front of the rail and wraps her long webbed tail around the prow. the figurehead has served them well so far but they need more right now. she wraps herself around the figurehead and raises her body up into the wind takes a breath of the stinging salt air and sings.
the storm carries her voice on its front to the royal navy. they are enchanted, so stunned by her song that they drop the rigging ropes and let the tillers drift. the pirates sail through the center of the fleet, trailing the storm behind them, and by the time the fleet has managed to regain its senses they are buried in wind and rain and the pirates are gone.
x
she declines guns. instead she carries a harpoon and its launcher, and uses them to board enemy ships, hauling her massive form out of the water to coil on the deck and dispatch enemies with ruthless efficiency. her family is feared across all the sea.
x
“you know we are dying,” the captain says, looking down at her.
she floats next to the ship, so massive she could hold it in her arms. her eyes are wise.
“i know,” she says, “i can feel it coming.”
the first mate stands next to the captain. she never had a lover or a child, and neither did he, but to the mermaid they are her parents. she will always love her daughter. the tattoos are graven in dark swirls across the mermaid’s deep brown skin and the flesh of her tail, even spiraling onto the spiked webbing on her spine and face. her hair is still tied back, this time with a sail that could not be patched one last time. 
“we love you,” the first mate says simply, looking down. her own tightly coiled black hair falls in to her face; she shakes the locs out of the way and smiles through her tears. the captain pretends he isnt crying either.
“i love you too,” the mermaid says, and reached up to pull the ship down just a bit, just to hold them one last time.
“guard the ship,” the captain says. “you always have but you know they’re lost without you.”
“without you,” the mermaid corrects, with a shrug that makes waves. “what will we do?”
“i don’t know,” the captain says. “but you’ll help them, won’t you?”
“of course i will,” she scoffs, rolling her eyes. “i will always protect my family.”
x
the captain and the first mate are gone. the ship has a new captain, young and fearless - of the things she can afford to disregard. she fears and loves the ocean, as all captains do. she does not fear the royal fleet. and she does not fear the mermaid.
“you know, i heard stories about you when i was a little girl,” she says, trailing her fingers in the water next to the dock.
the mermaid stares at her with one eye the size of a dinner table. “is that so?” she hums, smirking with teeth sharper than the swords of the entire navy.
“they said you could sink an entire fleet and that you had skin tougher than dragon scales,” the new captain says, grinning right back at the monster who could eat her without a moment’s hesitation. “i always thought they were telling tall tales.”
“and now?”
“they were right,” the new captain says. “how did they ever befriend you?”
the mermaid smiles, fully this time, her dark eyes gleaming under the white linen sail. “they didn’t know any better.”

She protects her family.

Hi everybody! Guess what’s being posted on AO3 now at the following link!
https://archiveofourown.org/works/22498384/chapters/53760817
That’s right! Here you go. I’ll be uploading it in some chunks, because I want to make sure I have everything I wanted edited cleanly finished, but follow the story there!




HEY GUYS GUESS WHATS BACK ON THE DASHBOARD AND BETTER THAN EVER

                    
                
            

            
                
                
cereusblue:
unnameablethings:


dragonsateyourtoast:

redporkpadthai:

dragonsateyourtoast:

otherwindow:

otherwindow:
This is how the g...

                
            
            
        

    

    

        
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        Body positivity: Body positivity
        

            
            

                
                
                    Body positivity: Body positivity
                    
                
            

            
                
                
Body positivity

                
            
            
        

    

    

        
Save

    



        

    

    
    

        

            








        

    

    
    

        

            








        

    

    
    

        

            








        

    

    
    

        

            









    

        
        
        
        
        
        
        
    

    

        simonalkenmayer:
zennistrad:

ninjathrowingstork:

uppityamy:

my-little-ninja:

the-feather-kisses:

the-lincolnshire-poacher:

fandomsdevouredmysoul:

foreverwholocked:

whodunits:

cosbyykidd:

therenaissanceratchet:

obi-quiet:

Car sex just got a helluva lot easier.

or homelessness

two kinds of people.

you could put a dead body there and put a blanket on it and people would think they were just sleeping and it would be a great way to transport dead bodies inconspicuously. 

* three kinds of people.



HOW CAN YOU EVEN HAVE A GIF THAT’S THAT SPECIFIC?

I agree, it is highly unnatural…

You might even say it’s ….. “Supernatural”



I haven’t seen a supernatural reaction pic exchange since the dark ages 


This post has the same energy as 2012 Tumblr, and while it brings back ancient, strange memories, it also feels reassuring that some things will never change. 

Good god, what year is it?

April
: simonalkenmayer:
zennistrad:

ninjathrowingstork:

uppityamy:

my-little-ninja:

the-feather-kisses:

the-lincolnshire-poacher:

fandomsdevouredmysoul:

foreverwholocked:

whodunits:

cosbyykidd:

therenaissanceratchet:

obi-quiet:

Car sex just got a helluva lot easier.

or homelessness

two kinds of people.

you could put a dead body there and put a blanket on it and people would think they were just sleeping and it would be a great way to transport dead bodies inconspicuously. 

* three kinds of people.



HOW CAN YOU EVEN HAVE A GIF THAT’S THAT SPECIFIC?

I agree, it is highly unnatural…

You might even say it’s ….. “Supernatural”



I haven’t seen a supernatural reaction pic exchange since the dark ages 


This post has the same energy as 2012 Tumblr, and while it brings back ancient, strange memories, it also feels reassuring that some things will never change. 

Good god, what year is it?

April

        

            
            

                
                
                    simonalkenmayer:
zennistrad:

ninjathrowingstork:

uppityamy:

my-little-ninja:

the-feather-kisses:

the-lincolnshire-poacher:

fandomsdevouredmysoul:

foreverwholocked:

whodunits:

cosbyykidd:

therenaissanceratchet:

obi-quiet:

Car sex just got a helluva lot easier.

or homelessness

two kinds of people.

you could put a dead body there and put a blanket on it and people would think they were just sleeping and it would be a great way to transport dead bodies inconspicuously. 

* three kinds of people.



HOW CAN YOU EVEN HAVE A GIF THAT’S THAT SPECIFIC?

I agree, it is highly unnatural…

You might even say it’s ….. “Supernatural”



I haven’t seen a supernatural reaction pic exchange since the dark ages 


This post has the same energy as 2012 Tumblr, and while it brings back ancient, strange memories, it also feels reassuring that some things will never change. 

Good god, what year is it?

April
: simonalkenmayer:
zennistrad:

ninjathrowingstork:

uppityamy:

my-little-ninja:

the-feather-kisses:

the-lincolnshire-poacher:

fandomsdevouredmysoul:

foreverwholocked:

whodunits:

cosbyykidd:

therenaissanceratchet:

obi-quiet:

Car sex just got a helluva lot easier.

or homelessness

two kinds of people.

you could put a dead body there and put a blanket on it and people would think they were just sleeping and it would be a great way to transport dead bodies inconspicuously. 

* three kinds of people.



HOW CAN YOU EVEN HAVE A GIF THAT’S THAT SPECIFIC?

I agree, it is highly unnatural…

You might even say it’s ….. “Supernatural”



I haven’t seen a supernatural reaction pic exchange since the dark ages 


This post has the same energy as 2012 Tumblr, and while it brings back ancient, strange memories, it also feels reassuring that some things will never change. 

Good god, what year is it?

April

                    
                
            

            
                
                
simonalkenmayer:
zennistrad:

ninjathrowingstork:

uppityamy:

my-little-ninja:

the-feather-kisses:

the-lincolnshire-poacher:

fandomsd...

                
            
            
        

    

    

        
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        isei-silva:

sorry everyone for getting you locked in the car of this nostalgia trip with no snacks, no air conditioning, and no end in sightabove is old man Dachande (not from AvP: Prey, just shares the same name), whom is played by my friend and as you can guess from his hefty build he is a powerhouse warrior that punches like a truck.He is an Arbitrator and Masurao’s mateand below him is Masurao, my female yautja that likes to push his buttons. Also, as you can see, Masurao has no breasts - just pecs. I like to headcanon that females and males have few sexual dimorphism in that respect, and females only really develop breasts when they are nursing, and once the infant weans her body resorts back to normal like this: isei-silva:

sorry everyone for getting you locked in the car of this nostalgia trip with no snacks, no air conditioning, and no end in sightabove is old man Dachande (not from AvP: Prey, just shares the same name), whom is played by my friend and as you can guess from his hefty build he is a powerhouse warrior that punches like a truck.He is an Arbitrator and Masurao’s mateand below him is Masurao, my female yautja that likes to push his buttons. Also, as you can see, Masurao has no breasts - just pecs. I like to headcanon that females and males have few sexual dimorphism in that respect, and females only really develop breasts when they are nursing, and once the infant weans her body resorts back to normal like this
        

            
            

                
                
                    isei-silva:

sorry everyone for getting you locked in the car of this nostalgia trip with no snacks, no air conditioning, and no end in sightabove is old man Dachande (not from AvP: Prey, just shares the same name), whom is played by my friend and as you can guess from his hefty build he is a powerhouse warrior that punches like a truck.He is an Arbitrator and Masurao’s mateand below him is Masurao, my female yautja that likes to push his buttons. Also, as you can see, Masurao has no breasts - just pecs. I like to headcanon that females and males have few sexual dimorphism in that respect, and females only really develop breasts when they are nursing, and once the infant weans her body resorts back to normal like this: isei-silva:

sorry everyone for getting you locked in the car of this nostalgia trip with no snacks, no air conditioning, and no end in sightabove is old man Dachande (not from AvP: Prey, just shares the same name), whom is played by my friend and as you can guess from his hefty build he is a powerhouse warrior that punches like a truck.He is an Arbitrator and Masurao’s mateand below him is Masurao, my female yautja that likes to push his buttons. Also, as you can see, Masurao has no breasts - just pecs. I like to headcanon that females and males have few sexual dimorphism in that respect, and females only really develop breasts when they are nursing, and once the infant weans her body resorts back to normal like this
                    
                
            

            
                
                
isei-silva:

sorry everyone for getting you locked in the car of this nostalgia trip with no snacks, no air conditioning, and no end in s...

                
            
            
        

    

    

        
Save

    



        

    

    
    

        

            








        

    

    


    
	

        
	

    




                    

                

                

                    




    

        
        

            
            

              
            

        

        
        
        

            

            
            
                
                    
                        

                            

                                
                                
                                
                            

                            
                            

                                
                                    A new Instagram meme is actually good for your body image, study says
                                
                            

                            
                        

                    
                
            
                
                    
                        

                            

                                
                                
                                
                            

                            
                            

                                
                                    'Contemptuous body language': Rees-Mogg meme-shamed for reclining during 'boring' Brexit debate
                                
                            

                            
                        

                    
                
            
                
                    
                        

                            

                                
                            

                            
                            

                                
                                    Opinion: “Hot Girl Summer” Celebrates Body Positivity