🔥 Popular | Latest

What monster?: leftbouquetarbiter listen ok. so there's that typical horror trope about the family and the haunted house and yadda yadda. but like, have a movie where this family has gone through many haunted houses before, to the point where they move into this new one and are like 'okay. fresh start number seven' and then basically throughout the movie avoid and deflect any typical horror event from the house like it's no big deal. something's under the teen girl's bed? she takes a can of bug spray and some chloroform and uses that shit on the demon creature without turning an eye from whoever she was texting. mom's cooking and the family's nowhere to be found? weird creaking noises? she sighs and continues cooking. family comes through the back door later with some blood on them and carrying a few hockey masks. mom doesn't question it. family looks exhausted and irritated. younger brother walks into his room to find the dog trapped in the wardrobe, wardrobe unable to open'? seeping dark smoke and gross liquids? move it and throw some salt around that thang and kick in the back of the wardrobe. dog hops out with a scoff and trots to the door of the room and down the stairs. a shadow follows. lots of growling and snarling and scuffling. a shadow runs fuckin outie back down the hall in fear. dad is in the garage working in the car. car shuts it's doors and locks them. he is unable to get out. he sighs and starts the car. might as well go get groceries. family don't give a fuck. tbonechessor hello, yes, how much do movies cost and how would I fund this What monster?
Save
Magic: nilesymon i wonder if magic is real, but only in a really mundane way. when i was little i could almost inerringly switch back to disney channel right as the ads ended when i was channel surfing maybe youve never accidentally crushed a ladybug underfoot. maybe your microwave popcorn never burns maybe you can spin around lots and lots of times before you get dizzy. is that magic?? honestly im not sure if these are magic or just small, invisible skills. im not sure which i like better My ankles never twist. I've always been rather active, I did track for five years (all the running events), and one time while running I stepped in a hole, lost my shoe, and landed sprawling about five feet away. I pulled my shoe on and kept running I have a coworker who somehow makes better coffee than everyone else even though the grounds come pre-measured and all you have to do is load them up and push a button. I have a friend who has inch long nails that never break. My brother can copy origami just by looking at the finished product and my mother can do the same with knots. I knew a guy who never made an error when typing Maybe we all have little magics, the kind that you don't realize you have. Just tiny things that make your life slightly better but are completely unnoticed on the outside. this is the cutest post i have ever read... Nooo I've actually shared this theory before. Like my Dad is really lucky finding parking spaces. And I've never cracked my phone even though I drop it on the time and have an average case. Like what if everybody gets one trivial part of their life that they're illogically lucky at? Non-stop fun at FUNsubstance.com Magic

Magic

Save
mybigfatgaylife: its-rowark: misanthrobot: rowan-oak-o-flow: delgt: xopachi: skwinky: lntruding: Have you ever been to earth? On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain: You’re an idiot. Let me further explain: Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layerslengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern. Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY. When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito. And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what: Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND. Nope. My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET. You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers. And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE. What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN. I just want a burrito. In conclusion: You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys. UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”: A fucking fork? I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD. If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER. That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL. Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS. A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now. People eat burritos with forks? God is sorry he made us. (Source) I always need this on my blog. I can’t be laughing this hard in the morning.  Yes @kirkfuffle MY FAVORITE FUCKING POST IS BACK. Finally! I wanted to show this to my brother and I’ve been waiting over a year for it to come back! I want this post and one of the “be nice to underpaid workers” posts to fight it out in the Tumblr Performative Progressivism Thunderdome. : BEANS MOLE J MEAT CHBESE RKE CILAVIZO SALsA Dear Guy Who Just Made My Burrito: Lucky Shirt in Comedy Corner mybigfatgaylife: its-rowark: misanthrobot: rowan-oak-o-flow: delgt: xopachi: skwinky: lntruding: Have you ever been to earth? On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain: You’re an idiot. Let me further explain: Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layerslengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern. Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY. When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito. And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what: Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND. Nope. My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET. You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers. And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE. What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN. I just want a burrito. In conclusion: You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys. UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”: A fucking fork? I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD. If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER. That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL. Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS. A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now. People eat burritos with forks? God is sorry he made us. (Source) I always need this on my blog. I can’t be laughing this hard in the morning.  Yes @kirkfuffle MY FAVORITE FUCKING POST IS BACK. Finally! I wanted to show this to my brother and I’ve been waiting over a year for it to come back! I want this post and one of the “be nice to underpaid workers” posts to fight it out in the Tumblr Performative Progressivism Thunderdome.
Save
babydreamgirl: aaliyah-appollonia: anxious-strawberry: don-teriestiel: teenage-mutant-angsty-zukos: runningfromomelas: transfaabulous: so-many-miles-to-go: bitterbitchclubpresident: bellygangstaboo: Bistreich’s suit alleges that both Gentile — a Democrat who represents Bath Beach, Bay Ridge, Bensonhurst and Dyker Heights — and his chief of staff John Mancuso targeted him because of his diagnosis and tormented him with pranks so distressing he was forced to quit his job in June 2016. Mancuso once organized a mass-decapitation of the stuffed animals Bistreich kept on his desk. Bistreich found his Teddy bears with their heads ripped off — with one mounted on a flagpole — and a stuffed toy dog had been gutted and painted red to seem bloody. The suit also claims the bullying was tolerated and encouraged by Gentile, who laughed and clapped his hands when a staff member compared Bistreich to Avonte Oquendo — the autistic boy who died after escaping his school through an unattended exit — by suggesting Bistreich “test the doors.” This is so gross! These are grown adults bullying someone like they are on an elementary school playground. I have to continue believing that for every one asshole there are at least two caring people.. Gentile told Bistreich his “ticking” had gotten worse. He said, “We know your condition, but when you twitch like that it’s unnerving to people” and asked “Can you look into upping your medication?” the lawsuit claims.(x) that is so disgusting, and highly illegal. I hope Bistreich wins the lawsuit. Did someone fix the stuffed animals for him? Does he still have them? If not, and he still has the parts, is there a way I could offer to do it?  I’m a seamstress and have done stuffed toy repair before.  He probably doesn’t have them right now, since they’re likely being used as evidence, but I’m confident he’ll get them back at some point, whereupon we can help repair them. For now, though, can we send stuffed animals his way? What kind does he prefer? Mr. Bistreich is hyperempathetic and identifies with his stuffed animals. This is important. He feels real empathy for these stuffed animals and sees himself in them. His coworkers knew this. It was soon after Mr. Bistreich disclosed his hyperempathy toward his stuffed animals that this ‘prank’ (read: abuse) occurred. It was a calculated attack intended to intimidate and traumatize. This is so sickening for me to read. I have an autistic brother who is also hyperempathic , and he’s also got a large collection of stuffed animals. He cries whenever one gets too worn to keep. Just…. Why would you do this? How could you be so cruel? This made me cry in public. We do not deserved to be treated like this. Can someone start a donation of stuffed animals for him please?? Like those people were so horrible and he deserves the world. Sigh even I first read this I cried and now again I like never ever cry but I just did and this made me grab my bear so tight I want these demons fired sued and exiled : Erica Byfield @EricaByfield4NY -Follow An autistic man say his coworkers in a NYC City Council Office tormented him. Slashing his prized stuffed animals to mock him @NBCNewYork 09 28 ANM oo AT&T LTE 11:47 ANM scontent-lga3-1.xx.fbcdn.net C Magnificent @R1R2L1X Follow @EricaByfield4NY @NBCNewYork it's actually way worse than this tweet suggests NO SM Brooklyn Councilman Vincent Gentile has been named in a $10.. View Full Caption BROOKLYN - A city councilman and his staff bullied an aide with autism with pranks such as littering his desk with decapitated stuffed animals and locking him in a basement, a $10 million lawsuit claims. DNAinfo/Nicholas Rizzi babydreamgirl: aaliyah-appollonia: anxious-strawberry: don-teriestiel: teenage-mutant-angsty-zukos: runningfromomelas: transfaabulous: so-many-miles-to-go: bitterbitchclubpresident: bellygangstaboo: Bistreich’s suit alleges that both Gentile — a Democrat who represents Bath Beach, Bay Ridge, Bensonhurst and Dyker Heights — and his chief of staff John Mancuso targeted him because of his diagnosis and tormented him with pranks so distressing he was forced to quit his job in June 2016. Mancuso once organized a mass-decapitation of the stuffed animals Bistreich kept on his desk. Bistreich found his Teddy bears with their heads ripped off — with one mounted on a flagpole — and a stuffed toy dog had been gutted and painted red to seem bloody. The suit also claims the bullying was tolerated and encouraged by Gentile, who laughed and clapped his hands when a staff member compared Bistreich to Avonte Oquendo — the autistic boy who died after escaping his school through an unattended exit — by suggesting Bistreich “test the doors.” This is so gross! These are grown adults bullying someone like they are on an elementary school playground. I have to continue believing that for every one asshole there are at least two caring people.. Gentile told Bistreich his “ticking” had gotten worse. He said, “We know your condition, but when you twitch like that it’s unnerving to people” and asked “Can you look into upping your medication?” the lawsuit claims.(x) that is so disgusting, and highly illegal. I hope Bistreich wins the lawsuit. Did someone fix the stuffed animals for him? Does he still have them? If not, and he still has the parts, is there a way I could offer to do it?  I’m a seamstress and have done stuffed toy repair before.  He probably doesn’t have them right now, since they’re likely being used as evidence, but I’m confident he’ll get them back at some point, whereupon we can help repair them. For now, though, can we send stuffed animals his way? What kind does he prefer? Mr. Bistreich is hyperempathetic and identifies with his stuffed animals. This is important. He feels real empathy for these stuffed animals and sees himself in them. His coworkers knew this. It was soon after Mr. Bistreich disclosed his hyperempathy toward his stuffed animals that this ‘prank’ (read: abuse) occurred. It was a calculated attack intended to intimidate and traumatize. This is so sickening for me to read. I have an autistic brother who is also hyperempathic , and he’s also got a large collection of stuffed animals. He cries whenever one gets too worn to keep. Just…. Why would you do this? How could you be so cruel? This made me cry in public. We do not deserved to be treated like this. Can someone start a donation of stuffed animals for him please?? Like those people were so horrible and he deserves the world. Sigh even I first read this I cried and now again I like never ever cry but I just did and this made me grab my bear so tight I want these demons fired sued and exiled
Save