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Playing the Long Game: Judy Brown I've done something ingenious to wind up my Dad (which is basically my favourite holiday pastime). It begins ike this Judy Brown Some of you out there may recall that in 2016 Iplayed an excellent Christmas prank on my long-suffering Dad. It worked a treat. Judy Brown @mcjude 7h Replying to @mcjude Last year I decided to play the long game & didn't tamper with the confectionary: spooked by the year before, he would not touch a single Ferrero Rocher (which was great because he usually inhales them at 750mph) so there were Ferreros aplenty for the rest of us. I bided my Judy Brown @mcjude 7h And so, yesterday, home for Christmas and with the devil at my elbow, I embarked on my most audacious sprout prank yet. Judy Brown @mcjude-7h While he was out I dipped the sprouts in chocolate, rolled them in chopped hazelnuts, and did all I could to replicate the iconic Ferrerro. Judy Brown @mcjude 7h l re-wrapped and (this is crucial) re- sealed the box with its original tape and a tiny dab of glue. Then secreted it amongst a bag of tasty gifts from my Aunt and retired to watch from afar Judy Brown @mcjude 7h Last night he viewed them with suspiciorn when they came out the bag... but I was out all day, how could I have tampered with them? He abstained and they sat in the kitchen all night. Judy Brown @mcjude 7h This bright Christmas morning we were gathered round the tree, drinking tea and opening presents. Dad eyed the box. He quite likes a post-brekkie Ferrero. He approached. I hovered in the kitchen, careful not to spook him. Judy Brown @mcjude 7h And Lo! He opened. He EXAMINED. He unwrapped. He examined FURTHER Fears allayed, he popped the whole thing in his mouth. His face played a symphony of emotions: satisfaction, triumph, realisation, horror, disgust. Judy Brown @mcjude 7h I am still chuckling. I will all day long.I know his retribution will be swift and terrible, but no Christmas gift could be greater than this: seeing my Dad, despite his efforts to avoid it, unwittingly eat a raw sprout. Merry Christmas, one and all 9193 t457 9644 72,816 notes Playing the Long Game

Playing the Long Game

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Tree espionage: a tale of trees and espionage okay story time: my professor (lovely man, married to our TA, 52", about as So studies trees. it was about three hours into our social sciences course, last lecture before exams, everyone was frazzled and exhausted, so he told us about his most exciting/in-depth research to date to cheer us up. (the few of us who actually showed up were like ok sir im sure its fascinating but in our minds we were totally like its trees what. is. exciting. about trees. You might be wondering the same thing-the acorns? the leaves? the roots? BUT NO. IMMA FUCKIN TELL YA.) ANYWAY we settle in, he had a few pictures loaded up from his field work (we were chuckling at this point.... 'hehehe field work' i giggled to my frend. its trees.) and began to tell his tale. it's long, imma warn you, but.... god. just read it theres an species of tree called the cucumber tree(Magnolia in our region there's only-280 that are registered by the government, yadda yadda yadda, my prof thought that was tragic (i know) but also strange, because when he was writing his thesis about local trees years ago, he kept coming across cucumber trees in really random places. we're talking like etc. IMPOSSIBLE because, according to tree very strictly protected by the govenment, and thus super legai to possess, transport, collect, buy or sell any part of a living or dead member of a listed species if it originates from sources. essentially, the govt takes control over g the trees and anyone who independently raises them is breaking the law (i kno) so he'd ask people "do you have a permit for these trees?" and they were like "uh no, it's just a tree someone sold me,i think it looks nice, are you gonna arrest me?" so he'd be like nah nah nah just tell me who sold it to you" eventually, months/years later, someone did, and turns out it was like this underground sort-of illegal tree dealing club (i know). so my prof went, got a bit of funding from the government, who were getting pissed at independent cucumber tree numbers, and THIS IS WHERE IT GETS INTO THE GOOD SHIT I STS he infitrates the tree trafficking organization. he buys a cucumber tree from an independent nursery, raises it for months, ensures he gets noticed by the traffickers, and then INFILTRATES it and convinces its leader to LET HIM JOIN he has to pay like a steep entrance fee, which he does (and it blows my mind that the government of my country paid money to illegal tree dealers), but then he is given full access to records and maps because they think he's one of them, not now this part blows my mind because the tree lords don't even have to try very hard to find cucumber trees because government agents MARK THE TREES AND DISTINCTLY TAG THEM SAYING THIS IS ENDANGERED DO NOT hangs out with the members so much that he figures out their hit spots". these are where the trees are relatively secluded and unguarded. (he writes all this shit and numbers down for BUT THATS NOT ENOUGH BECAUSE THE GOVT SAYS HES WASTING THEIR FUNDING IF HE DOESNT HAVE PROOF and they are willing to take LEGAL ACTION for misuse of funding (my prof doesn't have the money nore time nor power to take them to court, which would also blow his cover). so my prof literally STAKES OUT a copse of cucumber trees at a recognized wildlife reserve for. DAYS. he camps there, and watches the trees, is about to give up, he's going off an unreliable rumor from the traffickers that a harvester would be going there within the next week. finally, this guy comes and takes the cucumber tree seeds from the CLEARLY MARKED trees by the government, and my prof takes pictures (we are shown these pictures, most of us are speechless at this point). dozens of candid shots of a man my grandpa's age with a grocery store bag, garden shears, and a ladder, clipping away the illegal seeds and then going on his way so my prof has the proof, he's been undercover for months now at this point, he writes up his report, gives it to the government who is likeoh shit", helps them draft up a new LESS COMPLETELY FUCKING OBVious way of marking e wouldn't damage them further, etc.), and then never retuns to the tree traffickers. he'd given them a fake name, address, (so that way there was a full minute of stunned silence from us students at this point, during which he grew more and more nervous (again, he's a muffin) and all of us students are just like whoa. we asked him what happened to the remaining illegal cucumber trees & if he turned the tree dealers in to the government, and that is when he smiles a little bit and shows us the last few pictures. because here's the kicker... he never turned the smugglers in. he burned all the data he collected, defied the government pressuring him to turn them in, and the only reason he's not incarcerated is because his work is so prominent in certain circles now & universities love him, that there would be an uproar if he got arrested. he's like a fucking anti-hero and then he tells us (ill never forget, it's the most inspirational green-thumb thing in the world) "it may be illegal', but those who risk their liberty to-save the world- should never be reprimanded, no matter what we are all stunned. some of us are considering dendrology as a field we'd now be interested in pursuing. he clicks his slide one final time, before we leave our last lecture and, since he had an asthma attack (lil muffin) he didn't attend our exam, so and there, on the slides, the last picture? THERE HE IS. in his own backyard. with his equally lovely TA wife. both grinning GROWN. ILLEGAL. CUCUMBER TREE 72,767 Tree espionage
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npott123: hogwartsconsultingtimelady: thedevilsofficialblog: rikuzegram: First of all, you are going to spark the AI uprising by subjecting bots to 1000 hours of this shit, and we will have deserved it. Second, why is your bot better at writing comedy than SNL NEWS PIG We’re about two weeks away from hearing “The President doesn’t exist.” I chuckling so hard rn : Keaton Patti @KeatonPatti I forced a bot to watch over 1,000 hours of White House Press Briefings and then asked it to write a White House Press Briefing of its own. Here is the first page. WHITE HOUSE PRESS BRIEFING INT. THE WHITEST HOUSE SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS angers her way up to the podium SARAH Good afternoon. Couple of announcements: I don't actually wish you a good afternoon and the President hates you all. Questions? Journalists raise their hands SARAH (CONT'D) There will be no answers Journalists still raise their hands. It's all they know SARAH (CONT'D) Fine. But make the questions good or I'l1 explode into spiders. JOURNALIST 1 Is the President downloading Russian spies into his son? SARAH Two things: 1. If Russia is real, show me it on this map, news pig Sarah holds up a map of Hogwarts, the wizard day camp. SARAH (CONT'D) You can't, because it's not real. And 2. The President does not exist. Next question JOURNALIST 2 Are we still building the wall? SARAH I will have a wall built with your questions and your bones. Every day you try to slay me. I get death threats. They feed me. A threat is a meal. I eat meals for meals. 3 meals a day, 10 times a day. Next. JOURNALIST 3 Why do you hold that glowing skul1? sarah does not answer. The skull glows brighter. npott123: hogwartsconsultingtimelady: thedevilsofficialblog: rikuzegram: First of all, you are going to spark the AI uprising by subjecting bots to 1000 hours of this shit, and we will have deserved it. Second, why is your bot better at writing comedy than SNL NEWS PIG We’re about two weeks away from hearing “The President doesn’t exist.” I chuckling so hard rn
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princess-tia-beanie: npott123: hogwartsconsultingtimelady: thedevilsofficialblog: rikuzegram: First of all, you are going to spark the AI uprising by subjecting bots to 1000 hours of this shit, and we will have deserved it. Second, why is your bot better at writing comedy than SNL NEWS PIG We’re about two weeks away from hearing “The President doesn’t exist.” I chuckling so hard rn i will have a wall built with your questions and your bones : Keaton Patti @KeatonPatti I forced a bot to watch over 1,000 hours of White House Press Briefings and then asked it to write a White House Press Briefing of its own. Here is the first page. WHITE HOUSE PRESS BRIEFING INT. THE WHITEST HOUSE SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS angers her way up to the podium SARAH Good afternoon. Couple of announcements: I don't actually wish you a good afternoon and the President hates you all. Questions? Journalists raise their hands SARAH (CONT'D) There will be no answers Journalists still raise their hands. It's all they know SARAH (CONT'D) Fine. But make the questions good or I'l1 explode into spiders. JOURNALIST 1 Is the President downloading Russian spies into his son? SARAH Two things: 1. If Russia is real, show me it on this map, news pig Sarah holds up a map of Hogwarts, the wizard day camp. SARAH (CONT'D) You can't, because it's not real. And 2. The President does not exist. Next question JOURNALIST 2 Are we still building the wall? SARAH I will have a wall built with your questions and your bones. Every day you try to slay me. I get death threats. They feed me. A threat is a meal. I eat meals for meals. 3 meals a day, 10 times a day. Next. JOURNALIST 3 Why do you hold that glowing skul1? sarah does not answer. The skull glows brighter. princess-tia-beanie: npott123: hogwartsconsultingtimelady: thedevilsofficialblog: rikuzegram: First of all, you are going to spark the AI uprising by subjecting bots to 1000 hours of this shit, and we will have deserved it. Second, why is your bot better at writing comedy than SNL NEWS PIG We’re about two weeks away from hearing “The President doesn’t exist.” I chuckling so hard rn i will have a wall built with your questions and your bones
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I laughed at this image. As im chuckling to myself, my mother looks at me and smiles. "What's so funny Terome?" What a very good question mother. Perhaps it is the single fact that we are all born to die. The very moment you are conceived on this rocky prison we call Earth is a death sentence. Maybe its the reason why we've been killing each other for thousands of years for various barbaric reasons. Our very existence is a virus to this planet. Why should I care if one person dies in Yemen? Hundreds of more newly conceived children will just replace them. Eventually we are all forgotten. And we can only pray we do something that implants us into history forever. And if we are just born to die and be forgotten, then life is a paradox. A paradox that we have been forever trapped in and never will escape, no matter hard we try. Instead of saying this to my mother's feeble brain, I simply say: "Just a meme, Mom.": zZ @bumberhooten Bought a new bowl @lordflaconegro You can't fit no cereal in there I laughed at this image. As im chuckling to myself, my mother looks at me and smiles. "What's so funny Terome?" What a very good question mother. Perhaps it is the single fact that we are all born to die. The very moment you are conceived on this rocky prison we call Earth is a death sentence. Maybe its the reason why we've been killing each other for thousands of years for various barbaric reasons. Our very existence is a virus to this planet. Why should I care if one person dies in Yemen? Hundreds of more newly conceived children will just replace them. Eventually we are all forgotten. And we can only pray we do something that implants us into history forever. And if we are just born to die and be forgotten, then life is a paradox. A paradox that we have been forever trapped in and never will escape, no matter hard we try. Instead of saying this to my mother's feeble brain, I simply say: "Just a meme, Mom."

I laughed at this image. As im chuckling to myself, my mother looks at me and smiles. "What's so funny Terome?" What a very good question...

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I laughed at this image. As im chuckling to myself, my mother looks at me and smiles. "What's so funny Terome?" What a very good question mother. Perhaps it is the single fact that we are all born to die. The very moment you are conceived on this rocky prison we call Earth is a death sentence. Maybe its the reason why we've been killing each other for thousands of years for various barbaric reasons. Our very existence is a virus to this planet. Why should I care if one person dies in Yemen? Hundreds of more newly conceived children will just replace them. Eventually we are all forgotten. And we can only pray we do something that implants us into history forever. And if we are just born to die and be forgotten, then life is a paradox. A paradox that we have been forever trapped in and never will escape, no matter hard we try. Instead of saying this to my mother's feeble brain, I simply say: "Just a meme, Mom.": Right Im checking your prostrate, this might hurt a little Okay Ohh that doesn't feel like a /inger I laughed at this image. As im chuckling to myself, my mother looks at me and smiles. "What's so funny Terome?" What a very good question mother. Perhaps it is the single fact that we are all born to die. The very moment you are conceived on this rocky prison we call Earth is a death sentence. Maybe its the reason why we've been killing each other for thousands of years for various barbaric reasons. Our very existence is a virus to this planet. Why should I care if one person dies in Yemen? Hundreds of more newly conceived children will just replace them. Eventually we are all forgotten. And we can only pray we do something that implants us into history forever. And if we are just born to die and be forgotten, then life is a paradox. A paradox that we have been forever trapped in and never will escape, no matter hard we try. Instead of saying this to my mother's feeble brain, I simply say: "Just a meme, Mom."

I laughed at this image. As im chuckling to myself, my mother looks at me and smiles. "What's so funny Terome?" What a very good question...

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