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Batman, God, and Huh: feynites Seeing John Mulaney do his 'Robot Test bit has given me a strong desire to see him play a live action Riddler. But not like, as any character other than John Mulaney? Like, let's make a John Mulaney version of Edward Nigma. Just this socially awkward disaster man who somehow becomes a supervillain because of a misunderstanding he couldn't correct without seeming rude. And now supposedly he's committed to killing Batman but he doesn't actually want to be the cause of a mans death so he just obfuscates things with 'clues' and 'riddles' and 'battles of wits' until Batman inevitably defeats him and he's just like 'oh thank god please don't hit me Batman's like 'you need help Nigma' and he's just like 'yeah that's fair, I should probably look into seeing somebody at this point, I became a supervillain because of social anxiety and that might just be a red flag you know?" arkhamkjay @mrsmosby-wannabe only-ten-percent-clever "Hey, Batman, think you've seen everything, huh? Well, figure out how to deal with this! You know Gotham General Hospital? Yeah? Well you'll never guess what I let loose in there!" feynites "Riddle me this, what has four hooves and presents a massive health and safety violation?" siraranispleased "l see you there, Batman. And I also don't want me to be doing what I'm doing." Source: feynites 90'71 4 notes > ;tiis Im glad there exists a comedian who so perfectly fits tumblrs sense of humor

Im glad there exists a comedian who so perfectly fits tumblrs sense of humor

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Cookies, Creepy, and God: themetaisawesome: tsunasty: deafonyourleft: totallytrailbreaker: skellydun: rip santa. Working in Retail in under 3 minutes i had to watch this like 5 times because of no captions but lmao if someone makes a transcript for this it would be bomb transcript:“So we have these Santas at work, right, okay? We have black and we have white Santas. And they’re like creepy, five-foot tall, lifelike animatronic… like, Santas that hold plates of cookies and milk, and they kinda look like they could wake up and come to life and murder you in your sleep– and they don’t include batteries, but we have these Santas. Like nothing screams ‘festive holiday cheer’ like a big, hulking Santa. Um. Nothin’ will jingle your jangles more.So, um, this woman comes in and she’s like, “Do you have these?” and I’m like, “Oh my god, yeah!” So a couple weeks ago we sold out of our white Santas, and we are down to like, three black Santas. And so, I take her to the aisle, I show her the Santas, and the first thing out of her mouth is, “I’m not racist, but…” and I’m like, well, I can’t– I’m not in the position to decide if you are or not, but if like– if I could use context clues and infer, uh, I would say maybe that you might be. And three, we’re talking about Santa. Like– (stuttering) did we switch subjects?And so, um, I’m in like, I– the next thing that pops out of her mouth is like, “This is not right.” and I’m like, okay, I’m sorry, but this is what the picture was. And she’s like, “No. Santa is white.” And I’m like, oh no, okay. Okay. So I’m in– I’m about to tell her, I’m like, mid-sentence, like, “I’m sorry, do you want me to go call another store, do you need me to, like, write you a raincheck just in case we we get any more.” And she’s like, “This is wrong, I want them taken down.” She interrupts me, says that, and I’m like, (pause). I like, look around, and I’m like, is she talking to me? Is this, like, my own, like, personal hell? But like, of course it is.So, um, I’m like, “I can’t take these Santas down.” And she’s like, “Why not?!” And I’m like, “You either have to buy them, or take them down yourself.” And that was like, the stupidest thing I could have ever said, because– (sighs) she takes this bag, with like, Jesus’s face, like, slammed right in the middle as a design– it’s big– she takes it off her shoulder, and starts beating these black Santas! She starts beating these Santas down, they were like, falling down… and I’m like, oh my god! What– what is happening?So like, I step in the middle of her and these Santas and I’m like, “Ma’am, ma’am, you need to leave, you need to stop, or I’m going to have to call someone.” So she like, stops, and she’s like, beet red, and like, huffin’ and puffin’, and she like, looks at me and I can tell she’s just trying to get like, a one-liner in, and she’s like, “The Santa I know is white.” And then she walks away. And I’m like, well– I’m processing what’s happening, while also thinking, like, the Santa you know? Santa’s not real. So unless you’re using an ouija board to contact good old Kris Kringle, um, from like, B.C. or whenever, I’m like, that’s pretty impressive, but how ya doin’ that. And, um, I– the last thought that ran through my mind is that, I’m like, I would hate to be in the room with her when she finds out that Jesus is not white.” ‘‘Tis the season
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Blue's Clues, Tumblr, and Blog: myusernamemayormaynotbejay:blues clues berry sauce made me gay

myusernamemayormaynotbejay:blues clues berry sauce made me gay

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Animals, Bad, and Clothes: Should I get rid of my dog if my boyfriend hates it? He told me not to get rid of my dog but feel like the little guy deserves a loving home. Yes my dog is one of the yappy small ones but he's a good dog. Teodora Motateanu, I love my 3 mastiffs Updated Sep 13 I'll be brutally honest and I don't go anonymous. I've been in exactly the same situation. Except that my dogs are not small nor yappy: they're mastiffs. 60 kg each. He of course never hit them in front of me or when he thought I could see. But l know my dogs. One of them gave clear clues that something's off That dog male, young unaltered Cane Corso - could've ripped my ex. apart in no time at all. He didn't. The dog was more intelligent than him. All my dog did for couple of months was to avoid the jerk. He silently left the room anytime the ex. was around. He left the bed and stopped cuddling whenever ex. entered the room And when the ex. escalated to hitting me the dog slowly stood up and moved towards us: he got in between. Submissively. He put his big body in front of me, to be hit instead of me. Choose for yourself, who you want to keep. catscatsholyshitcats: katnissdoesnotfollowback: corpsefluid: hmsindecision: feeltheberd: im crying Do you know how many dogs I’ve met that get scared or anxious around men because in their previous home men hit them? A lot, and they are very protective of the women who have adopted them now. Men who are violent towards women are often violent towards animals as well. They think we’re all chattel. If a man wants you to choose between your dog or cat or him, dump the guy. Those animals will love you for the rest of your life, loyal and true. Actually, I have something to add. The other day I saw a story where a woman was asking why her dogs had suddenly started growling at her boyfriend whenever he was in the same room as her son. And my immediate thought was ‘that boyfriend has hurt the kid somehow.’ Spoilers: that was exactly the case. Trust ur dogs when they say something is off. The first time my sister came to visit, via plane, after I got my dog, pupper growled at her and wouldn’t go near her for the first day. Next visit was by car (two day drive)and pupper LOVED my sister. They snuggled and played and none of us could figure out why the change. We thought maybe the scent of my sisters cat had lingered on her clothes, making that first visit a rough one. Whereas when she came by car, the scent had had time to wear off. Well that was partially true… Fast forward about six months when I went north to visit my family. My sister walked into my parents’ house and pupper ran to greet my sister. Stopped dead in her tracks and started growling and barking. Hackles raised, full protection mode. My sisters husband had just walked in behind her. My precious puppy wanted NOTHING to do with him. She barked, growled, ran away, and sat between him and my sister. Y'all my dog had spent maybe a weekend a half around my sister but protected her like this was her flesh and blood. Eventually, my sister filed for divorce on grounds of “Extreme and repeated mental, emotional, and sexual abuse.” Divorce was final in less than a month because her claims were substantiated. Trust the dog, honey. They KNOW. I’ve never owned dogs, but I used to work with horses (which are a lot like big dogs). There was this one horse I worked with named Tonto. He was a doll. He followed me like a puppy, snuck treats out of my pocket, he was the sweetest thing. We were practically inseparable. A guy I was considering dating came to visit me one day, and Tonto wanted NOTHING to do with him. Normally well behaved, he shoved himself between us and would NOT let this guy near me. He was stomping, acting really aggressive, and tried to bite the guy. This horse was practically dragging me back toward the barn. At that moment, despite being like, 17, I knew something was up, and ultimately things didn’t pan out for guy and me. A year later I found out he had lied about his age (he said he was 18 but he was actually 27) he was arrested for sexually assaulting an 11 year old girl. TRUST THE ANIMALS. Honestly dogs are so incredibly invested in your safety its unreal.A couple years ago, I was dumb and had a really hot shower without opening my bathroom window. Opened the door and all the steam set off the fire alarm.Now, that fire alarm is basically my oven timer but louder (Its since been changed to a much more pleasant but still loud and alert sound). My dog never gets annoyed at similar sounds because of this, usually just ignoring alarms like that.When the fire alarm went off? He went absolutely mental, and wouldnt stop barking and rushing round to everyone until we turned the alarm off and proved to him thete wasnt a fire. He freaking charged up the stairs to try and get me and my sister to leave, and had pretty much pounced on my parents to get out.And hes not just this protective in those types of situations. Hes a rescue dog and doesnt really like cuddling up to people, preferring to just sit by them or maybe lean against them. One day, I came home from school an absolute wreck because of an incredibly stressful day. I went into the conservatory and sat on the couch and my dog came from where he was napping upstairs to full on sit on my lap and cuddle up with me for half an hour to comfort me. He only moved if I needed to shift, and kept as close to me as possible until I felt okay.Always, always trust in what your pets sense, because they will protect you from anything they can. If they sense a threat, they will always act accordingly. A cat may become very cold and distant towards a person who seems untrustworthy to them. Dogs will get between you and the threat. If your significant other has a bad relationshio with your pet, there is a completely valid reason. If there is ever a situation of me or the pet, you should probably choose the pet.
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Animals, Clothes, and Crying: Should I get rid of my dog if my boyfriend hates it? He told me not to get rid of my dog but feel like the little guy deserves a loving home. Yes my dog is one of the yappy small ones but he's a good dog. Teodora Motateanu, I love my 3 mastiffs Updated Sep 13 I'll be brutally honest and I don't go anonymous. I've been in exactly the same situation. Except that my dogs are not small nor yappy: they're mastiffs. 60 kg each. He of course never hit them in front of me or when he thought I could see. But l know my dogs. One of them gave clear clues that something's off That dog male, young unaltered Cane Corso - could've ripped my ex. apart in no time at all. He didn't. The dog was more intelligent than him. All my dog did for couple of months was to avoid the jerk. He silently left the room anytime the ex. was around. He left the bed and stopped cuddling whenever ex. entered the room And when the ex. escalated to hitting me the dog slowly stood up and moved towards us: he got in between. Submissively. He put his big body in front of me, to be hit instead of me. Choose for yourself, who you want to keep. catscatsholyshitcats: katnissdoesnotfollowback: corpsefluid: hmsindecision: feeltheberd: im crying Do you know how many dogs I’ve met that get scared or anxious around men because in their previous home men hit them? A lot, and they are very protective of the women who have adopted them now. Men who are violent towards women are often violent towards animals as well. They think we’re all chattel. If a man wants you to choose between your dog or cat or him, dump the guy. Those animals will love you for the rest of your life, loyal and true. Actually, I have something to add. The other day I saw a story where a woman was asking why her dogs had suddenly started growling at her boyfriend whenever he was in the same room as her son. And my immediate thought was ‘that boyfriend has hurt the kid somehow.’ Spoilers: that was exactly the case. Trust ur dogs when they say something is off. The first time my sister came to visit, via plane, after I got my dog, pupper growled at her and wouldn’t go near her for the first day. Next visit was by car (two day drive)and pupper LOVED my sister. They snuggled and played and none of us could figure out why the change. We thought maybe the scent of my sisters cat had lingered on her clothes, making that first visit a rough one. Whereas when she came by car, the scent had had time to wear off. Well that was partially true… Fast forward about six months when I went north to visit my family. My sister walked into my parents’ house and pupper ran to greet my sister. Stopped dead in her tracks and started growling and barking. Hackles raised, full protection mode. My sisters husband had just walked in behind her. My precious puppy wanted NOTHING to do with him. She barked, growled, ran away, and sat between him and my sister. Y'all my dog had spent maybe a weekend a half around my sister but protected her like this was her flesh and blood. Eventually, my sister filed for divorce on grounds of “Extreme and repeated mental, emotional, and sexual abuse.” Divorce was final in less than a month because her claims were substantiated. Trust the dog, honey. They KNOW. I’ve never owned dogs, but I used to work with horses (which are a lot like big dogs). There was this one horse I worked with named Tonto. He was a doll. He followed me like a puppy, snuck treats out of my pocket, he was the sweetest thing. We were practically inseparable. A guy I was considering dating came to visit me one day, and Tonto wanted NOTHING to do with him. Normally well behaved, he shoved himself between us and would NOT let this guy near me. He was stomping, acting really aggressive, and tried to bite the guy. This horse was practically dragging me back toward the barn. At that moment, despite being like, 17, I knew something was up, and ultimately things didn’t pan out for guy and me. A year later I found out he had lied about his age (he said he was 18 but he was actually 27) he was arrested for sexually assaulting an 11 year old girl. TRUST THE ANIMALS.
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Birthday, Family, and Memes: 22-Year-Old Last Seen Leaving For A Plenty Of Fish Date Found Dead In Maryland@balleralert 22-Year-Old Last Seen Leaving For A Plenty Of Fish Date Found Dead In Maryland - blogged by @MsJennyb ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Nine months after a 22-year-old Washington man was reported missing, skeletal remains found in a wooded area in Prince George’s County, Maryland have been linked to Marty McMillan Jr. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ According to Daily News, back in April, McMillan was last seen heading out for a date with a woman he met on Plenty of Fish. Six months later, remains were found in the woods but weren’t confirmed to be McMillan’s until recently. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ After McMillan’s disappearance, his family launched a search party every weekend to find clues that would lead to his whereabouts. One month later, McMillan’s car was found three miles from last known location. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Police say McMillan was shot several times inside an apartment before his body was dumped in the wooded area. At the time of his disappearance, officials told The Washington Post, that his cards had been used and his last phone call was to the woman he was supposed to be meeting. However, the woman told officials that she didn’t have her phone at the time and she never saw him. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Thursday would have been McMillan’s 23rd birthday. No arrests have been made in the incident.

22-Year-Old Last Seen Leaving For A Plenty Of Fish Date Found Dead In Maryland - blogged by @MsJennyb ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Nine months after a 22...

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Af, Bless Up, and College: She was an old dog when she moved in with us - nine years old at the time. Last month she turned old enough to be able to vote Shout to u ladies whose grammar and spelling turn poor AF when u s€xt!ng bruv. In fact when the grammar-spelling too on point and the punctuation is all in the right place it’s almost like wtf? If u so fired up how u typing so good ma sumting wong 🤔. Nah. Lemme see that urgency. “Omg daddy that would feel so goog please dady”. Yes ma’am! I’m there! This wasn’t no cut and paste! Stop it ladies I know some of y’all in the game like magazine editors out dis bih. Cosmopolitan Editor-in-Chief and sh*t bruv “83 ways to please your man” lookin a$$, ol “Lemme grab this perfect photograph with optimal lighting from when Obama was just elected and it was a better time and lemme pair it with this text that has worked 11 times before” and the man usually buy it just like “omg Karen you’re AMAZING lol heck 😍”. Nah. I be searching the room for clues. “That Dell laptop look like a college joint ma. Freshman special lmao. Paid $899 at orientation at the campus bookstore lookin a$$. Lemme find out this pic is circa 2008. This pic turning 10 next year. We need to celebrate the taking of this pic ma u need to retire this pic...Nine years of service ma that pic need a pension and a retiree health care plan” 😂. Nah. Send me a hastily worded text u typed with one hand (😍) and pair it with a pic where yo hair look a mess and u laying in bed talmbout “pardon the mess and pardon my cat he’s an a$$hole” send me THAT. All natural. U feel me? NOTHING AGAINST MAKEUP I LOVE U LADIES AND YALL ONE INCH THICK MAKEUP TUTORIAL EYEBROWS WITH THE MASTERFULLY DONE FADE BUT I ALSO LOVE U WITH YA NORMAL EYEBROWS, BAGS UNDER YA EYES, SKRETCH MARKS, NANI STUBBLE WITH THE SKRAGGLY BUCKSHOT STRAY SHORT HAIR RIGHT WHERE THE THIGH MEAT CREASES TO MEET THE NANI REGION (Lil Atticus Pubicus u doing the best u can u escaped the razor this time and u be gone by next time but u fought the good fight, u da real MVP 🏅😂), CELLULITE, OTHER “imperfections”, I’LL TAKE ANY DAY OVER A PIC FROM WHEN JA RULE WAS SO HOT THAT JAY-Z MADE A MUSICAL GROUP WITH HIM (all u lil babies out there please google ‘Murder Inc.’, this happened 🤗, don’t say smash never taught u nothing BLESS UP 😩😂😂😂)
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