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Af, Baseball, and Bless Up: My pregnant wife has been practicing her swaddling technique on the dog. Reddit u/ohaivoltage @DrSmashlove So I just copped a stick of Tom’s “North Woods” natural deodorant bc they finally released a deodorant that’s also an anti-perspirant and for me that’s a must because I work out daily and I can’t have the cute MILF’s and instagram girls who wear a baseball cap and yoga pants and make they man photograph them at the gym thinking smash doesn’t bathe 🤗😂. Anyway imma keep it 600 - this is nice! It kinda smell like old school Speed Stick - the joint all the gym teachers would wear. I low key feel like a sexy gym teacher RN. Walking around school in tight sweatpants with the PP print on display and a polo tucked in with the drawstring hanging by the print and a college cap that say “ILLINI” and a whistle on my neck and the Nike Monarchs or as I call them the “Father Who Was Present In His Children’s Lives 11s” just smiling and winking at the Kindygarten teachers like “Hey Suzan. Hey Karen. Howdy Janet. Good MOHNIN Julia ☺️. Stevie always good to see you - DROP AND GIMME 20! Lmao jk wyd tho. Oh hi Martha 😉. Are those new reading glasses? I like them 😍.” That’s me today at work feeling like a spicy gym teacher. Matter fact that’s my 2018 schmood until further notice. Spicy gym teacher af. Strutting around school giving hi fives for no reason, overseeing floor hockey matches. “GIMME A PULL UP!!” LMAO I’m stupid bless up 😍😂😂😂

So I just copped a stick of Tom’s “North Woods” natural deodorant bc they finally released a deodorant that’s also an anti-perspirant and fo...

Bless Up, Chance the Rapper, and Life: u/Fio_Fiddlesworth ld imgur So my Mom sold one of her schnauzer puppies to an aspiring photographer DrSmashlove So u know how I said a few weeks ago that I tried all the healthy ice creams and I was done with them, and I was going back to real ice cream? About that. See there comes a time in yo life when u realize: u just ain’t about that life. It come at different times for different people. Some of u pretty ladies go to music festivals. And y’all got that friend Mandy. Mandy got a lil marketing gig in the city where she make a good wage. Went to a good school. Seem normal. But she different. U knew it when u hit Lollapalooza with her and watched her pop a Molly, pop three pills where she ain’t even know what pills they are, some cool white kid in a Larry Bird jersey just handed them to y’all so she took them, smoked a blunt, then snorted coke with that same kid in a port a potty. U seen her 15 min later vibing to Chance the Rapper while a lil bit of puke dribbled out the corner of her mouth while she looked around crazily and on that day, u had a realization: u ain’t bout that life. Mandy? Bout that life. U? Not about that life 😂. That’s me with ice cream. I went to Mariano super market. Grabbed some Ben and Jerry Cookie Dough. Seen it had 60 grams fat - 1,120 calories-pint. Gently caressed my 6 pack over my t shirt. And reflected on the fact that I’m just not bout that life. So I copped some skinny cow ice cream sandwiches. Each one got 160 calories. I eat two to get satisfied and that’s plenty. I gotta eat seven them b!tches to equal one pint of Ben and Jerry. I used to be bigger. Had a 36 waist. Ate whatever I wanted. I can’t go back to that place. I’m a new smash. U feel me? I’m in a different place. I’ll eat B + J once in a blue moon bc it (and Jeni’s) are still the GOATs but for daily use, imma stick to these skinny cows. P.s. Skinny cow please make them rectangular with a paper (not plastic) cover. On the rare occasion my mama bought us a box of generic ice cream sandwiches, peeling the paper off as it sticks to the ice cream on the side and then liiiiiicking it up the side was the best part. The adult equivalent is peeling the panties off a woman, seeing them stick to the Nani, and liiiiiiiicking...well, y’all get the point 🤗. Bless up! 😂😂😂
Bless Up, Costco, and Doctor: The many faces of derp The hygiene discussion continues. My lil homegirl text me this morning: “Hahaah omg smash! My friends have encountered a few guys lately that aren't circumsized and don't wash well..... how does someone not notice!???” Now men if y’all possess Thee Natural Foreskin nine times out of ten it’s yo mama’s fault - she was just following cultural norms and told the OB “whoa derr...you ain’t chopping off my son’s foreskin” and the doctor followed mama’s wishes and left lil man’s PP intact. For instance my Dominican homie told me that most Dominicans leave the PP skin intact. My lil Armenian homegirl told me that Armenian men are 50-50, sometimes Cleanie Weenie, sometimes Cheesy Weasy u feel me? Personally I’m Cleanie Weenie but I respect all cultures. Regardless, it’s on a grown man to assess the cleanliness of his situation and cleanse accordingly. Men if u all-natural uncut imma need u to boil some water in the microwave. Put a towel over your head and breathe that steam nice and deep to cleanse the nasal passage. Then take a cup full of coffee beans just like they got at Sephora and take a nice deep breath to cleanse yo palette. Then wait a few seconds, drop ya drawls, bend all the way over so yo nostrils is closest to yo PP, pull the covering back, and inhale deeply. If it smell like Dove soap bruv...lilacs and lavender and almond butter coconut essence? U good money. On the other hand if it smell like that sliced cheese assortment u copped at Costco for a party one time bc u felt like u grown and u gon serve wine and cheese at a party but u had left over cheese from the platter so u stuffed it in the back left corner of the fridge behind the strawberries and bread and u find it eight months later and it got a farm of green foliage growing on it Bruv and u took one whiff and u wanted to vomit ... if yo PP smell like an expired grown-and-sexy Costco cheese platter Bruv? YOU NEED TO CLEANSE YASELF. Just warm water and soap. Shit ain’t rocket science. RIP to the dignity of the poor women that u subject to your CheesyPP — Susan B Anthony ain’t die for this. WE CAN DO BETTER. BLESS UP 🤞😂😂😂
Bad, Memes, and Police: Texas Woman Escapes Handcuffs, Takes Police Car on High-Speed Chase @balleralert Texas Woman Escapes Handcuffs, Takes Police Car on High-Speed Chase – blogged by @MsJennyb ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀(swipe) ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ On Tuesday, Texas police released a video of a suspect slipping out of her handcuffs, stealing a police car and leading officials on a high-speed chase. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Toscha Fay Sponsler of Pollok Texas was placed under arrest on Saturday after officials picked her up on possible shoplifting charges. However, the arrest did not go without consequence. Upon the officers’ arrival, Sponsler fled on foot, prompting the officers to chase her down. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ When the officials caught up to Sponsler, they cuffed her behind her back and buckled her into the backseat of the cop car, which is when things went from bad to worse, for both the officers and the suspect. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ In the newly released footage, Sponsler is seen wiggling out of her handcuffs, as she cautiously watches her surroundings. Once released, she climbed into the front seat and dipped off, prompting a 23-minute high-speed chase. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Eventually, Sponsler lost control of the police car and stopped. Officials quickly surrounded the vehicle, broke through the driver’s-side window and placed Sponsler under arrest, again. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ According to NBC, Sponsler was charged with five felony counts of escape with the threat of a deadly weapon, aggravated assault, unauthorized use of a vehicle, possession of a controlled substance and evading arrest. As of Tuesday night, the suspect remained in police custody on an $18,000 bond.

Texas Woman Escapes Handcuffs, Takes Police Car on High-Speed Chase – blogged by @MsJennyb ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀(swipe) ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ On Tuesday, Texas police r...