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John Mulaney, tumblrs favorite stand up comedian: canadianstuck One of the funniest things I ever experienced was when I went to go see John Mulaney live, and halfway through a bit about how expensive college in the States is, he looked down at the sleeve of his suit jacket and just. stopped. dead halt, mid sentence And after like three seconds, where we're all trying to figure out the punchline because the story clearly hadn't ended, and John Mulaney quietly says, "Has there been tinfoil on my buttons the whole goddamn show?" He'd taken his suit to the drycleaner, and they'd wrapped the buttons on the sleeves and the coat with tinfoil to protect them, and John Mulaney didn't notice until half-way through his set, and was SO FLABBERGASTED that he never did finish the story about college and instead did five minutes on how stupid it was that his buttons were reflecting the light and he just didn't notice, and in that moment I understood more about John Mulaney as a person than I ever have meme-team-risk-analyst during one of his portland shows, he noticed this like 7 year old girl in the front row and asked her (and her parents) if she 'is aware that she is physically here right now or if she was just brought along. turns out her favorite john mulaney bit is the "and I'm new in town bit and that she's seen all his stuff. He was so shocked and discomforted by the fact a SEVEN YEAR OLD has seen his shows that he couldn't get through a bit about donating to charity without interupting himself at least three times to import good life lessons on this small child, as if that makes up for all the horrible things he's said that she heard sammysausage When I saw him in Ft. Lauderdale, there was a bar in the lobby that people kept leaving to go to. At one point, a guy in the front row just got up and BOOKED IT to get drinks. John Mulaney looked over at a woman who was next to the empty seat and asked, "Are you with him? What's his name?" She was, in fact, with him, and she did tell him her date's name. John Mulaney considered this, looked around, and unplugged his microphone. Leaning in to us, he told us that we were going to trick this guy so fuckin hard. He said, "At some point during the show, I am going to stop and say, "Well, you guys know what they say here in Ft. Lauderdale,' and then you guys are all going to scream back 'WE LOVE MILKSHAKES! He'll be so confused He then continued on with the show as normal, the drinks guy returned to his seat, and that was that for quite a long time. We thought he had forgotten about it until, at some point during what I believe was his McDonald's drive-thru bit, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "You guys know what they say here in Ft. Lauderdale.." Naturally, we erupted with "WE LOVE MILKSHAKES and John Mulaney SWUNG around to face the drinks guy and said, "T bet you're real confused now huh, JASON?! windyvalleyzone ah so john mulaney is a chaotic neutral cryptid John Mulaney, tumblrs favorite stand up comedian
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thabeehive-deactivated20160215: lil’ kim, aaliyah, missy elliott, da brat photographed by elfie semotan for the august 1999 issue of elle magazine. : Music CONFESSIONS TUMBLRCOM IP-HOP HOORAY ee q eers of the music world celebrate their rise to the top of the charts -and ther newfound industry power By dames Patrick Herman. Photographed by Elig-FEs TUMBLR.COM s Lauryn Hills Grammy sweep last February proved, America is, offi. cially, a hip-hop nation. And after two decades under male leadership, women now rule. Just ask rap kingpin Sean "Puffy" Combs "Female MCs always had it so hard-no respect-it was like thcy was livin' in Siberia, he says. "But it made 'em strong. Now their shit's so hot, they dont needa mike to be heard." In fact, soon every one will be hearing the new albums from hip-hop queens Mary J. Blige, Aaliyah, Lil' Kim, Missy "Misdemeanor" Elliott, and Da Brat, all friends as well as frequent collaborators. They're even making plans to take their act-The Bitch Tour-on the road with a funky twist on Lilith Fair, coming to a sold-out stadium near you. But dont call them divas (except perhaps for Ms. Blige, who cited personal drama at the last minute and was unable to attend the photo shoot). Mary J. Blige, 28. Claim to fame: The queen of hip-hop soul. There's something about Mary: "Hip-hop plays a big part in my music. I've always been sample-orient ed-Barry White, Isaac Hayes. The strcets is gonna be happy with my record. You'll cry to it, dance to it, fuck to it. I've done a lot of love songs. Most of'em are about how fucked up women are treated. It's good to know my music helps people. Im goin' through it, too-the same tears, the same black eye, the same stomachachc and I'm gonna get us through it. I'm at such a place now, such a peace, I cannot be knocked down. Im Mary the lone woman. Mmm-hmmm," What becomes a diva most: "Someone who got through tough times and paid dues, like Tina Turner and Aretha Franklin. Good God, those were war storics they had to tell. Men wanted to rule them and treat them like shit, and they got through it." The Mary Jane girls: "People expect us to be com- petitive, but I didn't give Lauryn Hill her career-that was somethin' she worked for. And she didn't give me my career. Why should I think about competition if she got somethin' she could contribute to my project? I cannot be jealous. It's wasted energy. Ijust did a duet with the Queen of Soul herself, Miss Aretha Franklin I keep quiet when the veterans are in the room-and honey, she is a veteran. When I came out of the booth, she said, 'That was very nice.' And then she went in Power players (from eft): Aaliyah, Lil Kim, Missy Misdemeanor" Ellot and Da Brat. Not pictured the booth and killed me. FOR CAADEY CURRY MANAGEMENT MAKEUP BY NONKA FOR TE CEBCRAHMARTIN AGENCY. MSSY VAR DyCH NA POTTER FOR a NAS 00LL HOUSE NY, MAKEUP UY CF0G FER ELL 8RAT l-Kim-CONFESSIONS TUMBLR.COM aliyah, 20. Claim to fame: The R&B Lolita is now filming Joel Silvers Romeo Must Die for Warner Bros. Ready for her close-up: I want people to look at me as a full-on entertainer, not just as a singer or a dancer. It's taking my career to another level and showing every side of me." Foxy lady: "My mom will say, 'There is some- thing about her that was always sexy.' My image isnt a put-on. When you listen to me and hear the smooth tones--that's what I'm givin' off. As a child, I didn't notice. Now Im in tune with it. It can definitely be a power, and I use it to my advantage." Fierce competition: "People try to bring negativity my way, especially with Brandy and Monica. If Im competing with anybody, I'm competing with myselfto be original." What becomes a diva most: "Oh, that word. The Websters definition is an opera singer who has a lot of range, but that's changed over time. Now a diva is a bitch. Were not all bitchy. Its just a myth thatš not goin' anywhere. If you're gonna describe somebody, call her a queen.I shows respect.Is royaly." issy "Misdemeanor" Elliott, 27. Claim to fame: record business is male-dominated, and when yo're not bein' The female Pufly" runs her own record label, taken as seriously as you should, you gotta go in there screamin the Gold Mind, Inc; she rapped for a Gap TV because they'll walk all over you. And the word can be positive: ad campaign. Talkin' bout a revolution: "Fe IfIbe like, 'Thats a baaad bitch,' you know that means dope. males are takin' over. We droppin' our albums We gotta stop thinkin of it as bein' negative, 'cause it's gonna at the same time to make that point clear, so when we do our be used regardless. Men call us that when they're intimidated. Bitch Tour itll be obvious. It took a strong female like Lauryn Female bonding: "Instcad of compcting, we help out and en to be successful and open doors. Now everybody else can fall in hance cach other. When I see another female artist, we always line." Bitch, bitch, bitch: "My first single's called Shes a Bitch.' show cach other love-we just so happy that we broke that bar- That doesn't have to be your everyday personality. But the rier down of us not ein' able to do as much as the men." lKimCONFESSIONS. TUMBLR.COM 0 Music a Brat, 25. Claim to fame: Runs her own record label, Thowin' Tantrums Entertainment; she is the first female rapper to have a platinum record. She's the one: "Before me, people didnt know how to market a female rap artist. I laid the path in the way Queen Latifah and MC Lyte did for me. But you need to grow in this industry. I want to produce, act, and direct -get my hands in every thing. I got an cye and an car for good talent." Birds of a feather: "My friends all stick together. There's only a handful of us women in the industry with labels-theres not enough of us to be bickerin'. We're like the dream team. Its all about unity, havin' a strong support system. Were mature adults and we know the value of friendship. Nothin' should come between two friends- friends are forever, men aint." To each her own: "I got the tomboy thing goini on, and I can still be sexy. Missy's futuristic you dont know what she's gonna do next. Kim is like the madam-diva type-raunchy and nasty. Shell shoot your ass. Mary's sultry and spiritual and soulful, the ghetto queen of R&B Aaliyahs funky, she represents the teenagers. Shell make you party with her. We all are supa dupa fresh, and we gotta hold hands and rock together." il' Kim, 24. Claim to fame: The girlfriend of the late Notus B.I.G. runs her own label, Queen Bee Records. She's come a long way, baby: "Im really proud of my CONFESSIONS TUMBLRICOM new album. My favorite lyrics 'A queen is not a queen because she has failed/ But a queen is a queen because failure has not stopped her..../ Women are taking over for the new millen nium.' Like Puffy said, we dont need a mike anymore. We bein' heard. Its our era." What becomes a diva most: People love to use the word diva. I like queen better. A queen knows it all but doesnt let you know it right off. She's good-spirited and righteous. She's the boss: "With Queen Bee, I call the shots. I want my label to be the female version of Bad Boy. Me and Puffy may be family, but at the end of the day, I'm gonna do what I have to do. I'm also working on Bad Girl Films- ever since I did Sheš AllThat, Miramax has been offering me lots of things." In the company of women: "Were all characters. Brats the southern street girl who needs to be wild. Aaliyah's the pretty-girl type, the sexy artist that's un- touchable. Missy's like a cartoon and you love to watch her, shes so cute. Mary, you love to watch for her rength. Mary's the girl you can identify with. And me, Im like a little Mary. Lauryn's getting what she deserves. Her success made me work harder. Now we all know a hip-hop woman can make it."O ki- CONFESSIONS TUMBLR COM thabeehive-deactivated20160215: lil’ kim, aaliyah, missy elliott, da brat photographed by elfie semotan for the august 1999 issue of elle magazine.
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silverblueroses: thebicker: fenchurchdent: chicklikemeblog: Playboy’s catcall flowchart.   I’m reblogging Playboy. Somebody stop me.  Even Playboy wants men to stop screaming at women on the street. When the pinnacle of female objectification is telling you you’re being a sexist pig, maybe for real you’re being a sexist pig. (I mean, women have been telling you you’re a sexist pig for catcalling for a long time, but then again, they’re *women* so their opinions don’t count. Now a magazine for men has acknowledged it so LISTEN UP.) Even Playboy wants men to stop screaming at women on the street.  That needed to be repeated.  Even Playboy. : SHOULD YOU CATCALL HER IS THAT BOOTY BANGIN'? DOES SHE HAVE THOSE LEGS THAT GO ON FOR DAYS? HELLSYA! It's more a light knock on a door that isn't mine to open AND THE THIGHS TO MATCH Mm, I didn't notice? IS SHE DRESSED UP REAL NICE? Yeah, she might be on her way to somewhere important. DOES SHE LOOK SAD? BRINGIN HER A-GAME. Seems perfectl content. Probably shouldn't bother her YEAH, SHE SHOULD GIMME A SMILE. IS SHE LITERALLY A CAT? YEP HERE, KITTY KITTY NO, A FIGURATIVE FINE FELINE. ARE YOU SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED? No, gonna go have sex with my partner. BRB YEAH, I WANNA YELL SEX STUFF AT PEOPLE. YOU WANNA GET WITH THAT? DO YOU KNOW HER, AND HAVE YOU BOTH CONSENSUALLY AGREED TO SHOUT SEXUALLY SUGGESTIVE COMMENTS TO EACH OTHER IN PUBLIC? Nah, I don't even know her. ABSOLUTELY GOTTA LET HER KNOVW NO. YES IN EXPLICIT TERMS NOPE DON'T DOIT YEAH GO FOR IT. silverblueroses: thebicker: fenchurchdent: chicklikemeblog: Playboy’s catcall flowchart.   I’m reblogging Playboy. Somebody stop me.  Even Playboy wants men to stop screaming at women on the street. When the pinnacle of female objectification is telling you you’re being a sexist pig, maybe for real you’re being a sexist pig. (I mean, women have been telling you you’re a sexist pig for catcalling for a long time, but then again, they’re *women* so their opinions don’t count. Now a magazine for men has acknowledged it so LISTEN UP.) Even Playboy wants men to stop screaming at women on the street.  That needed to be repeated.  Even Playboy.

silverblueroses: thebicker: fenchurchdent: chicklikemeblog: Playboy’s catcall flowchart.   I’m reblogging Playboy. Somebody stop me....

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silverblueroses: thebicker: fenchurchdent: chicklikemeblog: Playboy’s catcall flowchart.   I’m reblogging Playboy. Somebody stop me.  Even Playboy wants men to stop screaming at women on the street. When the pinnacle of female objectification is telling you you’re being a sexist pig, maybe for real you’re being a sexist pig. (I mean, women have been telling you you’re a sexist pig for catcalling for a long time, but then again, they’re *women* so their opinions don’t count. Now a magazine for men has acknowledged it so LISTEN UP.) Even Playboy wants men to stop screaming at women on the street.  That needed to be repeated.  Even Playboy. : SHOULD YOU CATCALL HER IS THAT BOOTY BANGIN'? DOES SHE HAVE THOSE LEGS THAT GO ON FOR DAYS? HELLSYA! It's more a light knock on a door that isn't mine to open AND THE THIGHS TO MATCH Mm, I didn't notice? IS SHE DRESSED UP REAL NICE? Yeah, she might be on her way to somewhere important. DOES SHE LOOK SAD? BRINGIN HER A-GAME. Seems perfectl content. Probably shouldn't bother her YEAH, SHE SHOULD GIMME A SMILE. IS SHE LITERALLY A CAT? YEP HERE, KITTY KITTY NO, A FIGURATIVE FINE FELINE. ARE YOU SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED? No, gonna go have sex with my partner. BRB YEAH, I WANNA YELL SEX STUFF AT PEOPLE. YOU WANNA GET WITH THAT? DO YOU KNOW HER, AND HAVE YOU BOTH CONSENSUALLY AGREED TO SHOUT SEXUALLY SUGGESTIVE COMMENTS TO EACH OTHER IN PUBLIC? Nah, I don't even know her. ABSOLUTELY GOTTA LET HER KNOVW NO. YES IN EXPLICIT TERMS NOPE DON'T DOIT YEAH GO FOR IT. silverblueroses: thebicker: fenchurchdent: chicklikemeblog: Playboy’s catcall flowchart.   I’m reblogging Playboy. Somebody stop me.  Even Playboy wants men to stop screaming at women on the street. When the pinnacle of female objectification is telling you you’re being a sexist pig, maybe for real you’re being a sexist pig. (I mean, women have been telling you you’re a sexist pig for catcalling for a long time, but then again, they’re *women* so their opinions don’t count. Now a magazine for men has acknowledged it so LISTEN UP.) Even Playboy wants men to stop screaming at women on the street.  That needed to be repeated.  Even Playboy.

silverblueroses: thebicker: fenchurchdent: chicklikemeblog: Playboy’s catcall flowchart.   I’m reblogging Playboy. Somebody stop me....

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The story of the zombie dog: daftalchemist: themintywitch: daftalchemist: I ever mention that I know someone whose family owned a zombie dog because that's some real shit that I get to delight with at parties Tell us that story? okay here is the story of the zombie dog this dog's name was John. they found him half drowned in a bag of puppies that were not so fortunate as he was, and was taken in immediately. he was a runt and not quite right (most likely from the whole half drowned thing), but a very loving dog the problem with John was that he smelled like death, and no one knew why. vets couldn't figure it out. it was obviously some kind of skin problem, but they had no idea what kind. all anyone knew was that if you touched him, you would smell like death too, so you couldn't pet him, and that for some reason, the only thing that made the smell go away was being around other dogs. so they got another dog and the death smell stopped and John lived a very happy life when he was getting old, maybe about 15 years, part of his skull caved in. just like that! suddenly had a huge dent in his head! and he was totally fine. didn't notice it, didn't affect him at all. just this massive dent right there in his head where his skull had collapsed in on his brain, and he was still the happiest and most loving dog. the skull cave in, for whatever reason, caused the ear on that side of his head to just fall off entirely, but again, pertectly happy dog who did not know he was down an ear and a fully formed skull. they took him to the vet, thinking maybe they should put him down. I mean, wouldn't you think so? but the vet said that the dog was eating, and pooping, and happy, so there was no reason to put him down, so they didn't but that's not even the weird part. the weird part is the area of the brain that got caved in on was apparently the area that registers pain, so this one-eared, collapsed skull dog could no longer feel any pain. he got old, his joints got stiff, his teeth rotted out of his head, his tongue hung out of his mouth and got black and hard, and he felt none of it! in fact, he was happier than he'd ever been feeling no pain, and the fact that he didn't feel how much he was falling apart somehow made him live until he was 23. that's right, the collapsed skull, one eared, zero teeth, smells like literal death when alone dog lived to be 23 years old. they used to joke that he'd been dead for years, but was too stupid to realize it yet and that's the story about the literal zombie dog my friend's family owned The story of the zombie dog
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