🔥 Popular | Latest

Being Alone, Batman, and Books: LIBRARIAN HUMOR ISEE WHAT YOU DID THERE 0 dracophile: randomthingieshere: pheenixwright: invenblocker: pheenixwright: invenblocker: pheenixwright: invenblocker: forthefuns: follow forthefuns for more funny stuff Your honor! Please direct your attention towards the manga.As you can see there are small pieces of paper sticking out of every volume.But no such paper is sticking out of the Batman comic.The reason? The Batman book doesn’t belong to the library. The photographer put it there to take a picture. Once again making hasty assumptions, Wright?First of all, I’d like to direct the court’s attention to this particular spot, in the top right-hand corner.Notice how the words are blocking the top of the Batman book.With this in mind, how can you claim that there is “no such paper sticking out of the Batman comic”?! Say whaaaat?Well uhmLook at the size of the paper pieces, they’re all sticking pretty far out.If there was paper in the batman comic, it would be big enough to stick up over the text.And while gravity does exist, it probably won’t make the paper do a 90 degree turn and just lean horisontally left at the middle.Still grasping for straws, Wright?Hypothetically, if there were a paper there, this picture would not be able to prove its presence. I’ve taken the liberty of drawing a diagram to illustrate my point. We are faced with three possibilities. It is possible that (1) the paper was simply tucked in deeper than the others.Paper is a soft material, Wright. It’s not unreasonable for it to do a (2) 90 degree turn. Or perhaps, (3) a paper does not exist there at all. Either way, you cannot prove your client innocent without sufficient evidence.   Which, of course, is impossible thanks to the obtrusive words. I’m sorry Edgeworth.I concede that I can’t disprove theory 1But the image you submited for theory 2 is contradictory.Look at the tilt of the other papers. They clearly prove how much the paper would tilt.And theory 3 is my point! Why would the library’s book not have this piece of paper when the other library books do?While you still have thory 1, there is another contradiction.The books are not in alphabetical order, this proves that the batman comic was placed there specifically for the picture! Ack.(Perhaps I should’ve left the artistry to the forensic artist…)Now hold it right there! It doesn’t matter which direction the paper is going because it’s impossible to prove it even exists!Those theories are all the same! We do not have enough information to prove them. There could be an infinite amount of papers in there for all we know. I simply presented them only so that the court could better understand your baseless conjecture!… I suppose the order of the books do seem out of the ordinary. However, therein lies not just one possibility. Clearly, those are Japanese graphic novels, also known as “manga”. And the Batman comic book is a graphic novel, too, no?Seeing as it currently has only graphic novels in the shelf, it is possible that any other novels have simply not yet been restocked. Asserting whether or not this effect was deliberate is useless– there is no way of knowing if the photographer and the captioner are the same person, let alone their involvement in this picture.Face it Wright, you can’t prove any of these groundless accusations! Did everyone just ignore the library sticker?

dracophile: randomthingieshere: pheenixwright: invenblocker: pheenixwright: invenblocker: pheenixwright: invenblocker: forthefuns: ...

Save
Bodies , Children, and Climbing: Drowning in real life looks nothing like in the movies, and in fact many parents actually watch their children drown, having no idea that it's happening Ultrafacts.tumblr.com faikitty: mermaibee: ultrafacts: According to the CDC, in 10 percent of those drownings, the adult will actually watch the child do it, having no idea it is happening. Drowning does not look like drowning—Dr. Pia, in an article in the Coast Guard’s On Scene magazine, described the Instinctive Drowning Response like this: “Except in rare circumstances, drowning people are physiologically unable to call out for help. The respiratory system was designed for breathing. Speech is the secondary or overlaid function. Breathing must be fulfilled before speech occurs. Drowning people’s mouths alternately sink below and reappear above the surface of the water. The mouths of drowning people are not above the surface of the water long enough for them to exhale, inhale, and call out for help. When the drowning people’s mouths are above the surface, they exhale and inhale quickly as their mouths start to sink below the surface of the water. Drowning people cannot wave for help. Nature instinctively forces them to extend their arms laterally and press down on the water’s surface. Pressing down on the surface of the water permits drowning people to leverage their bodies so they can lift their mouths out of the water to breathe. Throughout the Instinctive Drowning Response, drowning people cannot voluntarily control their arm movements. Physiologically, drowning people who are struggling on the surface of the water cannot stop drowning and perform voluntary movements such as waving for help, moving toward a rescuer, or reaching out for a piece of rescue equipment. From beginning to end of the Instinctive Drowning Response people’s bodies remain upright in the water, with no evidence of a supporting kick. Unless rescued by a trained lifeguard, these drowning people can only struggle on the surface of the water from 20 to 60 seconds before submersion occurs.” This doesn’t mean that a person that is yelling for help and thrashing isn’t in real trouble—they are experiencing aquatic distress. Not always present before the Instinctive Drowning Response, aquatic distress doesn’t last long—but unlike true drowning, these victims can still assist in their own rescue. They can grab lifelines, throw rings, etc. Look for these other signs of drowning when persons are in the water: Head low in the water, mouth at water level Head tilted back with mouth open Eyes glassy and empty, unable to focus Eyes closed Hair over forehead or eyes Not using legs—vertical Hyperventilating or gasping Trying to swim in a particular direction but not making headway Trying to roll over on the back Appear to be climbing an invisible ladder So if a crew member falls overboard and everything looks OK—don’t be too sure. Sometimes the most common indication that someone is drowning is that they don’t look like they’re drowning. They may just look like they are treading water and looking up at the deck. One way to be sure? Ask them, “Are you all right?” If they can answer at all—they probably are. If they return a blank stare, you may have less than 30 seconds to get to them. And parents—children playing in the water make noise. When they get quiet, you get to them and find out why. Source/article: [x] Follow Ultrafacts for more facts! BOOST FOR THE SUMMER. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. Can I just say thank you to OP for putting such a detailed description on this? I’ve been a lifeguard for 6 years now and of all the saves I’ve done, maybe two or three had people drowning in the stereotypical thrashing style. And even those, like the save I made last weekend, it was exactly like OP describes where the person’s head is going in and out of the water but it isn’t long enough to get any air. Mostly you recognize drowning by the look on someone’s face. If someone looks wide eyed and terrified or confused, chances are they’re drowning. That look of “oh shit” is pretty easily recognizable. And even if you can’t tell for sure: GO AFTER THEM ANYWAY. I’ve done “saves” where a kid was pretending to drown and I mistook it for real drowning, but that’s preferable to a kid ACTUALLY drowning. Also please remember that even strong swimmers can drown if they have a medical emergency, get cramps, or get too tired. If your friend knows how to swim but they’re acting funny get them to land. And even if someone can respond when you ask them if they need help, if they say they do need help? GO HELP THEM. However . If the victim is a stranger, I can’t recommend trying to get them. Lifeguards literally train to escape “attacks,” because people who are drowning can freak the fuck out and grab you and make YOU drown as well. If you do go in after someone, take hold of them from the back and talk to them the whole time. IF YOU ARE GRABBED: duck down into the water as low as you can get. The person is panicking and won’t want to go under water and should release you. Shove up at their hands and push them away from you as you duck under. Don’t die trying to save someone else. Please guys, read and memorize this post. Not all places have lifeguards. Being able to recognize drowning is such an important skill to have and you can save someone’s life.
Save
Bodies , Fucking, and Head: WCLVESVSHEARTS.TUMBLR.COM OU'RE WARM. BET You ANYTHING THAT YOU'RE WARMER. SLEEP. CLVESVSHEARTS TUMBLR.COM finleighsaid: wclvesvshearts: favorite THROAM scenes in no particular order→ a kingdom by the sea (book ii, chapter 6) So after I manage to free my hand with a promise of staying, I take off my shoes, leave them by the bed. Remove my jacket, take off my tie. Don’t think anything of it when I unbuckle my belt, don’t think of how I’ve done this in his presence uncountable times, but this time I pull the belt out of the loops and keep my pants on. I round the bed because well – he sleeps on the left and I sleep on the right. I know that. Although sometimes we just slept all over each other, no coordination or direction. Still. We have sides. But I don’t get under the covers with him. No, that I can’t do. So I get on top of them, moving closer to him. I curl my arm securely around his middle and pull him to me, our bodies pressing together. His hand instantly moves to rest over mine, and he exhales softly. “You’re warm.” I rest my head on the pillow that we share, and I close my eyes, breathe in the scent of his hair. “Bet you anything that you’re warmer.” He hums in agreement and pushes into my embrace. Goes lax. And at that second, the feeling of being home is overwhelming. “Sleep.” And he does. Probably for the first time in days. I’m reblogging this again because I love it so fucking much. Watch me, motherfuckers.
Save
Empire, Fall, and Food: Dear Guy Who Just Made My ntruding Have you ever been to earth? On earth, we use the word "burrito" to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I'm surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain: Let me further explain: Burritos are eaten from one end to the other So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredient:s going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito's end user. Whern you make a burrito, you should put the ingredi- ents in layerslengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern. Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY When you eat a burrito, you don't stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can't usually dislocate their jaws, and I'm not a fucking pelican. But you must think that's how it's done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like And guess what else, player? You probably can't guess anything, because I'm pretty sure you're just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here's what: Humans also don't eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that, Because at least THEN would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I'LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR Nope My experience was more like HEY BEANS ITS JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND IFOR A MINUTE UNTILI CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I'M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT'S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET You built this thing like a fucking pack of And don't even fucking think I'm about to open this shit up and re engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. IALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THATS HOWI DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOK ING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT'S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE What's that? should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DONT WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON'T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR You're the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys. UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK IDIDN'T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEWW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER That's like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER'S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOUA WRENCH, SO BE COOL Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They're caⅡed fucking A fork. My god.I haven't cried sinceI was six, now People eat burritos with forks? God is sorry he made us. The absolute worst way to make a burrito
Save
Anaconda, Clothes, and Lazy: prokopetz Random Headcanon: Link's androgyny isn't just an artefact of the Zelda franchise's art direction - and neither is it particularly unusual. Sexual dimorphism among Hylians is legitimately much lower than among real-world humans; if Link and Zelda swapped clothes, you'd never be able to tell who was the girl and who was the boy Consequently, Hylian society depends heavily on clothing to establish gender roles, to the extent that it's a severe faux pas to question someone's gender presentation. If they're dressed like a girl, then they're a girl- even if they were dressed like a boy yesterday. That's why nobody ever remarks upon the fact that Zelda and her heroic alter-ego Sheik are different genders; it'd be gauche at best to bring it up sylph-of-breath Good post op parpatarts explains why i can be banned from gerudo town, change clothes in front of the guards, and then be welcomed with open arms quantumghosts shit, this absolutely provides an explanation for it that isn't just "lazy game mechanism" and is honestly such a solid demonstration of how people should approach genderfluidity doesn't matter if the first time you met the person they presented as male, if they present as female now that means they're a woman and they're welcome into gerudo town no questions asked wombatking Also, Link and Zelda 100% do swap places often and you can't tell me otherwise i-eat-pickles Princess Zelda, Ganon has made his way into the kingdom! What should we do?!" HYAH The Legend of Link: Zeldas Adventure
Save
Batman, Clark Kent, and Dumb: rob-anybody tumblr Follow broadlybrazen unpretty another dumb headcanon: superman is nice to birds because of course he is, and helps out birds who are in distress. also he can fly around with them. birds see a lot more of superman than they do of most people, basically. the unexpected consequence of this is that the crows of metropolis recognize superman as a friend. sometimes crows just follow him around like a weird flock or try to give him shiny things. but mostly please just imagine luthor trying to gloat while threatening superman with kryptonite only to have a crow steal it. or just, generally, lex luthor getting attacked by crows. if that does not improve your day i don't know what to tell you unpretty What is that? Superman followed the direction of Batman's gaze. A crow had landed on the rooftop beside them, and dropped a bottlecap near Superman's feet. "Ohl Hey Francis. Is that for me?" Caw," said Francis Do you have a pet crow? Batman asked. No, I don't have pets," Superman said as he bent down to retrieve the bottlecap You named it. Not this specific one," Superman explained. "1 just call all the crows Francis. ...why Caw, caw," said Francis with a flap of its wings I don't know. Just calling them 'crow felt rude after a while. l'd name them individually but I can't actually tell them apart. Except for Old Francis and One Eyed Francis." Superman tucked the bottlecap into a small pocket on the back of his pants. Why Francis?" Superman shrugged. It's gender neutral. I don't want to misgender them just because they're birds Of course you don't," Batman sighed, looking back out at Metropolis Caw," Francis added Do you keep dog treats in your utility belt?" Superman asked Why would I do that. .. in case you meet a dog that needs to know he's a good boy? Superman suggested. Batman shook his head, but opened a small pouch on his belt and held out a small treat. "See, it was a yes or no question, I don't know why everything has to be such a production with you," Superman said as he took it. He tossed it over by the bird's feet. "Here you are, Francis. Keep up the good work." Caw, caw," Francis said. When it realized no more treats were forthcoming, it flew away in a fiutter of black wings. You're unbelievable," Batman said, shaking his head again. Superman took his eyes off the departing crow to look back at Batman, and frowned. "You know," he said, "it's really weird seeing you in costume during the day Don't start." It's like seeing your teacher at the mall." Don't think I won't take care of Poison Ivy without your help, if I have to Superman shrugged. T'm just saying voxmyriad But...what if the crows also recognized him as Clark Kent? This mild-mannered reporter who doesn't seem to do anything in particular to the crows that would make them like him, but they're not afraid of him at all, and they keep trying to give HIM things, and Clark being a nice guy, he just. Accepts the bottlecap. Says thank you. Keeps walking. Lois adds another factoid to her "Weird Stuff About Clark Kent" file Maybe he tries to convince his coworkers that everyone is friendly with crows in Smallville. That the farmers discovered how smart crows are and decided to make friends with them instead of chasing them off Maybe he tries to talk the crows into palling around with him as Superman but going their separate ways as Clark Kent. Please imagine Superman on top of a building holding Clark Kent's glasses and trying to explain the concept of a secret identity to a flock of attentive birds Source: unpretty #my favorite post #dc universe #my superman 32,061 notes Hey DC, I would watch this movie

Hey DC, I would watch this movie

Save
Christmas, Come Over, and Definitely: avam .11.55% 10:31 pm Today 7:42 pm how come you haven't opened all of your Christmas presents yet? Today 8:03 pm I haven't? You've got a big one under the tree here. It's about 6'1 in length Sounds exciting! What's under the wrapping? Something really handsome it needs to be unwrapped soon When are you going to unwrap it Is it something I can play with? I guess I better not delay then Yes, you can definitely play with it. It has this cool feature where it changes form This sounds like a fun toy. What else can I do? You can hug it and show it affection and it returns the love You can also ride it to different locations l can't tell you too much more about it, it'll ruin the surprise Well I'm definitely intrigued by this present Sounds like it will fulfil all my needs Oh it will and if it doesnt, it has a direction and learning upgrade Even better! Santa sure upped his present game When do you want to come over and unwrap it? I'll probably have to wait until after the Christmas and New Year shenanigans are over Can the present wait that long? It knows to wait for good things so yeah I'm pretty sure it can handle a week or two. It does need a 10 digit code starting with 04 though Well played, Mr, very wel played. However I like to talk to someone here for a bit longer before sharing those digits Ahh, I understand. I will put a temporary code in for now, that should keep it happy Thanks, I appreciate it & Why don't you tell me how the present would like to be unwrapped? Slowly, tracing the edges of the paper? Passionately tearing it off? The love of my life unmatched me, it was going so well.

The love of my life unmatched me, it was going so well.

Save
Clock, Countdown, and Future: spOtlessmiind tiptreecrossing ngmyWayevery vickified: If a clock could count down to the moment you meet your soul mate, would you want to know? lol yes, so then i can shave. One minute, 37 seconds My legs are shaking. Holy cow, there is no way I can do One minute, 29 secods. I glance around at the faces surrounding the room. Of this. None. course my Meeting would take place in the gross, overcrowded cafeteria. One minute, six seconds Somewhere within these four walls, someone has the exact same countdown on their wrist. They're going through the exact same pressure as me 54 seconds. Mom said I should be excited, not nervous. Yet I still find myself wiping my sweaty palms on my dress. I can't believe she talked me into wearing a dress. I mean, shouldn't my Soul Mate meet me as I normally am? All plain jeans, blah shirts, and wild brown curls? 30 seconds Something deep within me tells me to stand up. I do drawing the attention of my tablemates. They all know too They smile encouragingly up at me. I chew my lip nervously. 25 seconds That same feeling pulls me towards the center of the room. My stomach drops away from me as I take a step in that direction. 20 seconds I continue in that direction. With each step the tempo of my heart picks up. 19. Faster 18. Quicker 17. More rapid. 16. It's racing. Oh my god this is it. The moment my life changes forever My eyes search frantically around the cafeteria, searching for someone who looks as nervous as me. For someone who's heading towards their future with no sense of direction like me. 10 seconds The feeling directs me slightly to the left. I turn to accomodate 5. My heart has given up entirely 4. I stop walking 3. Just waiting left. 2. Everything is about to change. 1. Deep breath. 0000 d 00 h 00 m 00 s Count down

Count down

Save
Anime, Cats, and Click: #got #aesthetic #ships e direction | #dank memes ration #anime #harry pot #orbs #101 #artís e # ny immortal #fandometrics cats #omg #the discours riddare-av-sorg: shitmemesforshitteens: teenhearts: staff: Tag filtering is here Don’t see what you don’t wanna see In our ongoing effort to help you all determine your own experience here on Tumblr, we’re launching one of our most requested features: the ability to filter out posts from your dashboard based on their tags. Trying to avoid #Star Wars spoilers? Filter them out. Need a break from all the #holiday excitement this month? Sheesh, fine. Filter it out. It’s your dashboard. Groom it well. Where do I set up a tag filter? In your settings! You’ll find it in your general settings on mobile, under “Filtering.” On the web, you’ll find it in your account settings, also under “Filtering.” That makes sense. Will I know when stuff is being filtered out? Yup. Just like with Safe Mode, you’ll see a placeholder in your dashboard wherever something is being hidden. If you actually do want to see it, you can click/tap on it, and it’ll appear. I follow some real nimrods. How can I stop seeing their posts? Unfollow them! And if they’re really being a jerk, block them. And if they’re truly being hateful, report them. Anything else I should know? Sure. There are lots of other tools for making Tumblr the Tumblr you want to see. You can read about them all in our help center. 3 Tumblr wow since staff finally did something the xkit guy had figured out years ago, lmk if u need anything special tagged so u can blacklist on mobile too Now every single one of you can blacklist asks from me if you want to. I’ll come up with a tag for it soon so that y’all are only blocking mine though. @my mutuals, pls tag ur tiddies
Save
Empire, Fall, and Food: BEANS MOLE J MEAT CHBESE RKE CILAVIZO SALsA Dear Guy Who Just Made My Burrito: Lucky Shirt in Comedy Corner mybigfatgaylife: its-rowark: misanthrobot: rowan-oak-o-flow: delgt: xopachi: skwinky: lntruding: Have you ever been to earth? On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain: You’re an idiot. Let me further explain: Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layerslengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern. Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY. When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito. And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what: Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND. Nope. My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET. You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers. And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE. What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN. I just want a burrito. In conclusion: You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys. UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”: A fucking fork? I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD. If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER. That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL. Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS. A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now. People eat burritos with forks? God is sorry he made us. (Source) I always need this on my blog. I can’t be laughing this hard in the morning.  Yes @kirkfuffle MY FAVORITE FUCKING POST IS BACK. Finally! I wanted to show this to my brother and I’ve been waiting over a year for it to come back! I want this post and one of the “be nice to underpaid workers” posts to fight it out in the Tumblr Performative Progressivism Thunderdome.
Save