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Books, Children, and Creepy: havingbeenbreathedout Sometimes I think back on the time I spent working as a barista, and it seems SO STRANGE to me that "coffee shop AU" has become synonymous with narratives that are low on conflict, high on wholesome romance. During the year l spent working at a coffee shop A coworker of mine took a bunch of psyche- delics, walked through some strangers' plate- glass door, and threatened them with a bowie knife, leading to his arrest and imprisonment (and, needless to say, a late opening for the coffee shop that morning) Another coworker, an ex-military type with a young wife and a new baby, decided to smoke up for the first time ever with two other mutual coworkers, in the back of one of their trucks; and ended up having a three-way with them which ended his marriage .I had a nervous breakdown, stopped being able to eat food or hold conversations, and ended up sleeping on my coworker's couch for three weeks before she finally called my parents to come collect me Multiple store managers were fired for embezzlement. (Reminder: this was within the space of a single year.) .Yet another coworker, who was seventeen at the time, started dog-sitting for a couple of regulars in their (I'm guessing) early 50s, and ended up in an ongoing creepy and incidentally illegal relationship~ with them both Various employees discovered, in the course of cleaning the bathrooms: couples fucking in the bathrooms; junkies passed out in the bathrooms; drunks puking in the bathrooms; both adults and children weeping in the bathrooms, a woman bleeding all over the bathroom from a gash in her throat (??); a dude standing in the middle of the bathroom floor and pissing in the opposite direction from the toilet, so that when the employee opened the unlocked door she got piss all over her (????) The owner of the bridal shop across the street was exposed as both abusive toward her employees and also cooking the books, which led to my coffee shop taking on a couple of untrained and weirdly conservative bridal shop workers for a few months while the bridal shop was shuttered and sold to new owners. Later the larcenous former bridal shop owner came down with some horrible disease which caused her to lose both her hands There was a regular universally referred to as Sketchy Steve," who came in at 7am for a three- shot latte with room for Seagrams 7, and de drugs to all us baristas. I actually, at one point cannot believe I was this stupid), went Sketchy Steve's house, and allowed him to spend like half an hour showing me his collection of découpaged outlet plates and also soliciting me for sex while I uncomfortably yet studiously declined Right before I started, the store manager had walked off the job in the middle of a shift, and side of the employees had walked out after him None of them ever returned Like, working on the front lines of food service was the most operatically sordid professional experience I have ever had, and one of the most surreal; and it is hilarious to me that THAT, of all jobs, is the one that has come to stand for soft-focus domestic romance in fandom circles wenamedthedogkylo This is the Coffee Shop AU we deserve Coffee Shop IRL
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Bruh, Dude, and Head: Never trust a nigga that stands like this It was the last day of School and I found out I was taking summer courses for Math. I'm Crip walking to the bus stop while eating Crown Fried chicken when I see a young man standing in this Particular stance. Since the Majin Buu Saga I learned that people who stand like this have no regard for human life, even their own. It was to late to avoid him, the bus was coming. I hop on the bus and headed to a open seat to enjoy this last piece of chicken. Im ready to grub when the bus takes a quick halt and my chicken falls and rolls to the back of the bus. That 2 piece with a biscuit cost me $5.88 & I was determined to get my moneys worth. It would be weird for me to ask somebody to pick up my chicken so I look back and see the same dude standing like Majin Buu in the back. I didn’t want to ask him. As I begin to move the back I notice he was getting head from a hood rat. Rosa Parks didn’t die for this. He’s Moaning and as his eyes open we make eye contact. No Lie I pissed my khakis bruh. I sit back down but still concerned for my chicken. The bus stops and I look under my seat when I see my chicken 2 rows behind me. Im getting ready to get it when This one dude boards the bus and looks straight to the back. He then says “Ayo Kiesha thats you? Aye Nigga thats my Girl“. The dude in back then said “Bruh who taught her how to get that spot under the balls like that?”. Such a savage.. As this Niqqa Moment Progresses I’m still concerned with my chicken. I try reaching under the seat for it when the dude in the back gets up and the thot in his laps kicks it to the side. Another reason why I don't trust these hoes. I look up to see the position of my chicken when the dude who boarded the bus Gets rocked. I never seen a human Punch another human with such force. I didn’t know wether to call 911, Animal Control, or Crown fried for another piece of chicken. Nigga got laid out in the Aisle. Thats when homeboy picks up my chicken, takes a bite and sits back down and continues getting head. I shed a tear of despair. I got off the bus at the next stop. It was the wrong stop. That same Thot was in my summer class. She owes me another piece of chicken.
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