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All because of Peanut M&Ms..: rue-by-another-name the biggest lie i ever told & how came to protect it my husband for years I have lived this lie telling everyone i am allergic to peanuts because i hate the smell of peanut butter and don't really like peanut butter that much but whenever i used to tell people i don't like peanut butter theyd get all defensive like "peanut butter is amazing how do you not like it?! and then rd have to go into this whole thing to defend my taste buds but then i got tired of it and started telling people that i'm just allergic to peanuts because that way it's not my fault that i hate the smell of peanut butter -it's now like I'm a sad little baby who will never get to taste peanut butter ever in her life and everyone feels sad for me but the problem is that i really love peanut m&ms and so now i can only eat peanut m&ms when im at home in secret. the only person who knows my lie is my husband and so at work this evening we had a small celebration for someone and they had peanut m&ms and i really wanted some but obviousty couldn't eat them in public because then people would know my peanut secret and so when we got home after work my husband tipped his jacket over and emptied his pockets and at least thirty or so peanut m&ms fell out of his pockets and he whispered, "i was sneakily accumulating them all night for you because i could see the pain in your eyes and if that isn't love then i don't know what is All because of Peanut M&Ms..

All because of Peanut M&Ms..

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My future husband better love me this much lol via /r/wholesomememes https://ift.tt/2zM1hD5: rue-by-another-name the biggest lie i ever told & how my husband came to protect it for years i have lived this lie telling everyone i am allergic to peanuts because i hate the smell of peanut butter and don't really like peanut butter that much but whenever i used to tell people i don't like peanut butter they'd get all defensive like "peanut butter is amazing how do you not like it?!" and then i'd have to go into this whole thing to defend my taste buds but then i got tired of it and started telling people that i'm just allergic to peanuts because that way it's not my fault that i hate the smell of peanut butter it's now like i'm a sad little baby who will never get to taste peanut butter ever in her life and everyone feels sad for me. but the problem is that i really love peanut m&ms and so now i can only eat peanut m&ms when i'm at home in secret. the only person who knows my lie is my husband. and so at work this evening we had a small celebration for someone and they had peanut m&ms and i really wanted some but obviously couldn't eat them in public because then people would know my peanut secret and so when we got home after work my husband tipped his jacket over and emptied his pockets and at least thirty or so peanut m&ms fell out of his pockets and he whispered. "i was sneakily accumulating them all night for you because i could see the pain in your eyes. and if that isn't love then i don't know what is. My future husband better love me this much lol via /r/wholesomememes https://ift.tt/2zM1hD5

My future husband better love me this much lol via /r/wholesomememes https://ift.tt/2zM1hD5

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katyissuperawesome:fuckyeahcourtneyy: This is the greatest knock knock joke in the history of all knock knocks jokes ever told, ever. I think my favourite thing about this is the poor guy asking them not to do this again. how many times has this happened. he knew what was going to happen at the start. is this a regular occurrence : Steve whose ready for a monday morning joke guyz? 24 minutes ago via Facebook for Blackberry Comment Like 7 people like this 23 minutes ago Like 23 minutes ago Like whose there? Irish Stu. 23 minutes ago Like 1 David brings you round this way? 23 minutes ago Like 4 Oh hi, Stu, come on in, it's been a while. What David Just passing by, huh? Cool, cool. Just as long as Sarah didnt kick you out of the house, ha ha! 22 minutes ago Like DavidStu starts crying uncontrollably* 22 minutes ago Like David kidding. What the hell happened? 22 minutes ago Like 31 Oh shit, she did? Man, I am so sorry, I was just Can we not do this again Dave I'm just trying Steve to tell a joke 20 minutes ago Like Tim Knock Knock 20 minutes ago Like 34 David Wait a second, Stu, I think I hear someone at the door. Ill go get rid of them, I'm sure it's just a salesman... 19 minutes ago Like Hello, can I help you? David 19 minutes ago Like Tim 19 minutes ago Like 310 I'm batman Steve Tim dont encourage him!! 18 minutes ago Like Holy heck, it's the caped crusader! What are David you doing here? 18 minutes ago Like Tim I'm not the caped crusader, I'm batman with a little 'b. I'm here to get rid of your bats. 17 minutes ago Like 32 David a bat costume if you're only in pest control. I mean you dont see regular exterminators fumigate houses dressed like giant wood lice. 17 minutes ago Like Oh, I see. Still, it seems weird you'd show up in Steve I swear to god guys 16 minutes ago Like 1 Tim I'm here to see Stu. 16 minutes ago Like Alright, you've got me, I'm not in pest control... DavidStu, do you know this guy? 16 minutes ago Like David 15 minutes ago Like Stu? Why are you crying, Stu? Did you do it? Did Tim you finally leave her? David 15 minutes ago Like Wait a second, are you two....? Tim 12 minutes ago Like 10 Yes... we're lovers. Seriously Tim fuck off! Steve 12 minutes ago . Like-D11 David Well, that explains why Sarah kicked you out. 12 minutes ago Like David though... 11 minutes ago Like Doesn't really explain the Batman costume Tim Little b, and take it up with head office. 11 minutes ago Like Tim what we wanted. With Sarah gone we can finally be together 11 minutes ago Like Danny Stu I know you're hurting right now but this is knock knock 11 minutes ago Like 32 For heaven's sake, who is this now? David 10 minutes ago Like ffs dan please can I get back to my joke?? 10 minutes ago Like ArianeLOL loving this!!! 10 minutes ago Like 5 Danny and I'm investigating a very serious matter. You see there's been.. a murder my name is Detective Inspector Hardbottom 10 minutes ago Like 7 David 9 minutes ago Like Steve 9 minutes ago Like 45 Oh my God FUUUUUCK OFFFFFFFF! David me? 9 minutes ago Like But I dont understand, what do you want with Tim I'm batman! (little b) 9 minutes ago . Like . 11 I'm not here for you or batman (little b) I'm Danny here for your Gaelic friend over there. 8 minutes ago Like you dont stop right now i'm unfreinding the Steve lot of u 8 minutes ago Like TimIm likng where this is going...) 8 minutes ago Like DannyStuart please put your hands where I can see them, I'm booking you for the bloody murder of your wife, Sarah. In other words... IRISH STU IN THE NAME OF THE LAW 7 minutes ago Like 13 Tim 7 minutes ago Like 2 David TRIPLE HIGH FIVE FREEZE FRAME 7 minutes ago Like1 Steve 7 minutes ago Like POW! Sriously you can all get fucked katyissuperawesome:fuckyeahcourtneyy: This is the greatest knock knock joke in the history of all knock knocks jokes ever told, ever. I think my favourite thing about this is the poor guy asking them not to do this again. how many times has this happened. he knew what was going to happen at the start. is this a regular occurrence
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srsfunny: Karma Hits You Real Hardhttp://srsfunny.tumblr.com/: Woman Admits To Sleeping With Husband's Brother. His Reply Is The Best Thing Ever. Dear Husband: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone. P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! > Your EX-Wife *********** ************** Dear Ex-Wife Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that won't get a dime from me. So take care. wr you P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem. Signed, srsfunny: Karma Hits You Real Hardhttp://srsfunny.tumblr.com/

srsfunny: Karma Hits You Real Hardhttp://srsfunny.tumblr.com/

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Karmaomg-humor.tumblr.com: Woman Admits To Sleeping With Husband's Brother. His Reply Is The Best Thing Ever. Dear Husband: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone. P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! > Your EX-Wife Dear Ex-Wife Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care. P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem. Signed, FUNNY STUFF ON MEMEPIX.COM MEMEPIX.COM Karmaomg-humor.tumblr.com

Karmaomg-humor.tumblr.com

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katyissuperawesome: fuckyeahcourtneyy: This is the greatest knock knock joke in the history of all knock knocks jokes ever told, ever. I think my favourite thing about this is the poor guy asking them not to do this again. how many times has this happened. he knew what was going to happen at the start. is this a regular occurrence : Steve whose ready for a monday morning joke guyz? 24 minutes ago via Facebook for Blackberry Comment Like 7 people like this 23 minutes ago Like 23 minutes ago Like whose there? Irish Stu. 23 minutes ago Like 1 David brings you round this way? 23 minutes ago Like 4 Oh hi, Stu, come on in, it's been a while. What David Just passing by, huh? Cool, cool. Just as long as Sarah didnt kick you out of the house, ha ha! 22 minutes ago Like DavidStu starts crying uncontrollably* 22 minutes ago Like David kidding. What the hell happened? 22 minutes ago Like 31 Oh shit, she did? Man, I am so sorry, I was just Can we not do this again Dave I'm just trying Steve to tell a joke 20 minutes ago Like Tim Knock Knock 20 minutes ago Like 34 David Wait a second, Stu, I think I hear someone at the door. Ill go get rid of them, I'm sure it's just a salesman... 19 minutes ago Like Hello, can I help you? David 19 minutes ago Like Tim 19 minutes ago Like 310 I'm batman Steve Tim dont encourage him!! 18 minutes ago Like Holy heck, it's the caped crusader! What are David you doing here? 18 minutes ago Like Tim I'm not the caped crusader, I'm batman with a little 'b. I'm here to get rid of your bats. 17 minutes ago Like 32 David a bat costume if you're only in pest control. I mean you dont see regular exterminators fumigate houses dressed like giant wood lice. 17 minutes ago Like Oh, I see. Still, it seems weird you'd show up in Steve I swear to god guys 16 minutes ago Like 1 Tim I'm here to see Stu. 16 minutes ago Like Alright, you've got me, I'm not in pest control... DavidStu, do you know this guy? 16 minutes ago Like David 15 minutes ago Like Stu? Why are you crying, Stu? Did you do it? Did Tim you finally leave her? David 15 minutes ago Like Wait a second, are you two....? Tim 12 minutes ago Like 10 Yes... we're lovers. Seriously Tim fuck off! Steve 12 minutes ago . Like-D11 David Well, that explains why Sarah kicked you out. 12 minutes ago Like David though... 11 minutes ago Like Doesn't really explain the Batman costume Tim Little b, and take it up with head office. 11 minutes ago Like Tim what we wanted. With Sarah gone we can finally be together 11 minutes ago Like Danny Stu I know you're hurting right now but this is knock knock 11 minutes ago Like 32 For heaven's sake, who is this now? David 10 minutes ago Like ffs dan please can I get back to my joke?? 10 minutes ago Like ArianeLOL loving this!!! 10 minutes ago Like 5 Danny and I'm investigating a very serious matter. You see there's been.. a murder my name is Detective Inspector Hardbottom 10 minutes ago Like 7 David 9 minutes ago Like Steve 9 minutes ago Like 45 Oh my God FUUUUUCK OFFFFFFFF! David me? 9 minutes ago Like But I dont understand, what do you want with Tim I'm batman! (little b) 9 minutes ago . Like . 11 I'm not here for you or batman (little b) I'm Danny here for your Gaelic friend over there. 8 minutes ago Like you dont stop right now i'm unfreinding the Steve lot of u 8 minutes ago Like TimIm likng where this is going...) 8 minutes ago Like DannyStuart please put your hands where I can see them, I'm booking you for the bloody murder of your wife, Sarah. In other words... IRISH STU IN THE NAME OF THE LAW 7 minutes ago Like 13 Tim 7 minutes ago Like 2 David TRIPLE HIGH FIVE FREEZE FRAME 7 minutes ago Like1 Steve 7 minutes ago Like POW! Sriously you can all get fucked katyissuperawesome: fuckyeahcourtneyy: This is the greatest knock knock joke in the history of all knock knocks jokes ever told, ever. I think my favourite thing about this is the poor guy asking them not to do this again. how many times has this happened. he knew what was going to happen at the start. is this a regular occurrence
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