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Apple, Bless Up, and Drake: Three weeks ago she was at the pound - now she's transformed to Action Pup.! So u know how u get in the car and Apple Music just wil out and play whatever well on the way to the gym this mernin I hop in the whip on this cold a$$ 12 degree day and my speakers start blasting Miguel, Banana Clip. FAM! I don’t even remember downloading this album! But this joint HARD! 😂 I felt like Miguel lil 5 foot a$$ was next to me serenading me, singing in the passenger seat egging me on go hard at the gym! I was Iike wow this adorable lil munchkin go hard! And then it dawned on me 🤔...5 footers really be going the hardest! 🐛 Kevin Hart - 5 foot. Tom cruise - 5 foot. Shiggy the comedian who invented the drake Kiki dance (DRAaAaAaAake! 😂) - 5 foot. They out there ... ENTERTAINING. Ladies don’t shleep. I know most of u pretty tings got a 6-4 cutoff and I don’t blame y’all! But maybe what u need is a 5 footer who really gon do the most! Serenade u in the shower! Make u laugh! “Smash I’m not tryina hear that, my son in fifth grade already taller than that I can’t bring a man into my house who reach to my son’s chest” BB 👏 GIRL 👏 DO 👏 WHAT 👏 U 👏 FEEL 👏. And by the way, for all you men who only swipe right on short women may I ask you to consider finding yourself a tall drink of water in 2019. I used to talk to a volleyball player who was 6-1 and let me tell you fam she was a sight to behold. Legs so long you could slide down them h0es like a fire pole. Cheeks like beach balls. She was a whole lotta woman! A foot long sub for the price of a six inch famalam! I am telling you, you might not think it’s your thing but u might hecc around and fall in love. “But smash, I’m 5-11 which is really a lie I’m actually 5-7 and three quarter but I say I’m 5-11 - if she 6-1 then in heels she finna be 6-4 fam I’m gon look like her handsome middle school son.” Well bish embrace that! Find you a Mama! Maybe your mama was wiling out when you were growing up and u need a woman to HECC around and spank u. Maybe eem spike you! 🏐 Maybe that’s what you been missing all your life. “smash you really Wilding today.” INDEEDY! Smash simply raising this hypothesis for ya consideration lmao BLESS UP 😍😂😂 (Slide 2: @tatertot_thecorgi_)
Arguing, Bless Up, and Dogs: My daughter was nervous around dogs, and then she met this guy. He let her love all over him for 20 minutes and then afterwards, her fear was gone. Thank you, sweet boy, for making her into the dog lover that she is! GIBBS NEW YORKERS ARE WILD FAM 😂. They will argue about anything. It’s both a sport and a hobby. In the rest of the country people burn calories by wearing a Fitbit and measuring steps. Nah. New Yorkers will just argue with u until they thin 😂. I love it. I’m not saying they ain’t wonderful people! To the contrary! They be nice as HELL to me! They just love to argue. FOR EXAMPLE. Me: “fam I love getting food off the Halal carts.” NY person: “oh word, son? Oh it’s like THAT my dude? Ayo...Could I ax u a question, son?” *ominous music plays (90s era Mobb Deep)* Me: “sure...(?)” NY person: “ayo son...could I ax u what halal cart u go to my dude?” Me: “ummm like around Greenwich and Murray...(?)” NY person: “son [pregnant pause] SON 😂. U can’t be serriyiss right now son. Is u wildin my dude? *whispering to friend in NY Yankees cap* son...is this dude wildin?” Friend (quietly): “I mean ... he wildin son.” (Everyone in NY got a yes-man with him who wear a yankee fitted real low and who don’t really argue, he just agree with what his friend say lol.) New York person: “ayo u mean...Like up by World Trade?” And I’m like: “I guess...(?)” NY person: “SON! HOW U AINT KNOW THESE THINGS SON? 😂 U gotta know which halal cart got that GOOD good and which one got that mid grade son! Ayo do me a favor son walk a extra couple blocks to Broadway u see a cart that say “HALAL CHICKEN GYROS” with “ONE DOLLAR SAMOSA”...UNDA DAT. U ask for Hakeem. Tell him Donnell sent u. Yeah. Donnell from one two fif. U gotta tell him the street because it’s two Donnells. Son he gon hook u up with the FIRE CHICKEN my dude. Quiet as it’s kept? Prime Minister of Pakistan eat at that cart my dude word is bond I seent him. He had mad security around him and I’m like oh he gotta be a digni-TERRY he ordered chicken biryani with salad son I said ayo get that red sauce too my son and he did my dude it was wild we ate togevva but I don’t tell that story often anyway I’m not sayin don’t eat at them carts u eat at son! I’m just sayin...I WOUL-INNT EAT THERE IF I WAS U. BUT U COULD DO WHAT U FEEL. BLESS UP.” 😂😂😍 [ALL CREDITS IN COMMENT BELOW.]

NEW YORKERS ARE WILD FAM 😂. They will argue about anything. It’s both a sport and a hobby. In the rest of the country people burn calories b...

Beautiful, Beef, and Bless Up: I am definitely going to steal my Neighbor's pomsky Fam! I’ve never seen anything this beautiful. This is Lion King level love. Circle of Life level love. This right HERE Bruv?! This is lions and hyenas hugging and taking a nap together. On some “we all have plenty of vegetables to eat let’s chill for a hot sec and be loving.” This is the Israelis and Palestinians hugging it out and living peacefully with one another on some “u know what we eat the same falafel and hummus anyway and our ladies basically look the same Jewish girls may have slightly larger Tetas and Arabians might be a lil larger in the trunka dunk but basically the same lol let’s intermarry and end this intermillennial beef that made no logical sense ☺️.” This is the Bears and the Green Bay Packers joining up to form one super team and they only have one kicker and he doesn’t end the season by missing an easy field goal 😕. Fam. This is Donald Trump and Nancy Pelosi waking up in bed together talmbout “there are no longer two political parties. We only have one party now and it’s the Party of Love and everybody gets free medical care and goes to school for free and there are no taxes you just pay what you can like the tip jar at Starbucks.” And then all the trump supporters like “WE WANTED A WALL” and trump like “effective immediately Mexico is the 51st state. Canada is the 52nd. France is the 53rd because I like French fries.” And then Melania pop up like “wow doneld Nancy eez so old I deed not expect thees also why Croatia eez not 54th state” and then Donald all like “effectively immediately I am declaring an emergency and building a wall between the US and Croatia” and then Nancy pop up like “hehe what my love meant to say was, no problem melania, Croatia is the 54th state also don’t ever play me again you wish you had this sauce 🍝“ I HAVE LOST MY MIND FROM THESE VIDEOS I AM SORRY YALL LMAO BLESS UP 😍😂😂 (Slide 1: reddit u-TigreDemon. Slide 2: @carolinehdupont. Videos used with express permission of the respective creators. All rights are reserved to them.)

Fam! I’ve never seen anything this beautiful. This is Lion King level love. Circle of Life level love. This right HERE Bruv?! This is lions ...

Animals, Cats, and Dogs: Hangin' with my dawgs. Mannnn! These Animal Selfies STILL KILL me Fam!!! LoL how did they do these?!?😂🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾 animals cats dogs memes juhahnjones

Mannnn! These Animal Selfies STILL KILL me Fam!!! LoL how did they do these?!?😂🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾 animals cats dogs memes juhahnjones

Driving, Fam, and God: Guess this is what heaven looks like. Fam. Is there anything more annoying than planning a day of errands and seeing u got a flat tire? Or some smoke coming out the engine? Or any other car difficulty? (All my NYC followers like “what’s a car” LMAOOO bear with me with y’all non-driving a$$es dagg 😂). Anyway u had ALLLLL these plans and now ya plan is to fix the car. We all been there. And what do we do! We get agitated. We get annoyed. Well how annoyed would u be if I told u that if ya car worked perfect, you’d have made it to the road, but then u would have been part of a 16 car pileup and ended up in the hospital? Exactly. When God slow u down, that’s a test. U could be impatient. U could be annoyed. But sometime the Lord deal u a small calamity to avoid a larger calamity bc “God is the best of planners.” U gotta put it on faith and eat that and just believe that God’s change of plans was for the best for u. Aight? TO ALL MY ATHEISTS THANK U FOR BEARING WITH ME I KNOW U JUST LIKE “car trouble means you need to lease a new Toyota lol like logically there is no deeper epistemological meaning but it’s adorable that people still worship the bearded man in the sky lol” WELL THE MAN IN THE SKY IS MY HOMIE SO SOMETIMES I GOTTA SPEAK ON IT - I GOT LOVE FOR ALL HUMANS AND I LIKE TO SHARE MY TRUTH WITH OTHERS SOMETIMES ESPECIALLY WHEN I WOKE UP TO A FLAT TIRE 😂 BLESS ON UP 😍😂😂 . . . (Slide 1: u-StarKill_er. Slide 2: u-FishCodeHuntress. Slide 3: u-OKGamesOn. Slide 4: FutureFriend8. Slide 5: DRAZZILB1424. Slide 6: TekProdFX16. Slide 7: u-HitMan917. Slide 8: u-captain_peanutbutter. Slide 9: MrDoge1337.)
Arguing, Beautiful, and Bless Up: Our Ginger lost her eye in November, but is a tough girl and we think just as beautiful as ever! So I’m texting with my lil Caucasian homegirl (this is relevant in a second people - bear with me cot dammit 😂) and I’m like “aye I seen your snap story you look super happy being home” and she like “Break is relaxing!! T God!! I needed it. And hehe yeah Jim is a keeper ☺️☺️☺️ miss u” <— I did not edit this lmao this how she talk I’m pasting here to prove I ain’t make this Sh!t up 🥶. And I’m like “Jim?” And she like “My father!!!! I call my parents Jim & Mary lmao whiteprivilege. I know lots of kids would be gettin the belt or facing the wrath of the chancla 😂💀” FAMmMmMmMmMmMmMmMmMmMmMmMmMmMmMmMm 😩😂😂. Y’all really got the chancla confrused (yes ‘confrused’.) Y’all confrused about the chancla fam. Chancleta came out for MINOR offenses. Misdemeanors. Not no COT damn felony manslaughter 😂. Failure to obey the reasonable directive of mom duke: chancleta. Talk bacc to mama after she said something wildly offensive: chancleta. Fight - argue with big sister who started it and plus I was acting in self defense: chancleta + wooden spoon. Fam! I would get the chancleta for some Sh!t I ain’t do! 😂 Framed for a crime and without any due process: chancleta. If I hecked around and called my mama by her government(?) FAM 😂. That’s not a slap on the wrist (with a chancleta). That would just be: “goodbye.” Deada$$. Like “good 👏......bye 😥”. Emphasis on the good but then a soft, theatrical ‘bye’. That’s not even a “talk it out”. That’s just one of them “pack a small suitcase and literally dip” like in the movies lmao. Like I gotta come bacc after 10 years and I knock on the door and I have very long facial hair (even longer that it is now 😬) and she don’t recognize me and I’m like “mama?” And she like “I am sorry u at the wrong house.” And I’m like “mama I’m your son.” And she like “I HAD a son. He died.” YES FAM - DIED. DECEASED. LIKE HOW DECEASED I STILL BE EVERY TIME ONE OF MY HWITE FRENS BE ON A FIRST NAME BASIS WITH THEY PARENTS. YALL BEYOND WILD FOR THAT. BLESS UP 😍😂😂 (Slide 1: u-aprils96. Slide 2: u-stados4. Slide 3: u-JamesonRae. Slide 4: u-coinmurderer. Slide 5: u-BlemMlemFlep. Slide 6: u-samosa_pav.).

So I’m texting with my lil Caucasian homegirl (this is relevant in a second people - bear with me cot dammit 😂) and I’m like “aye I seen you...

Advice, Bless Up, and Christmas: Just happy to see you 2018-1 WE MADE IT, LOVE BUGS. I AM SO DAMN PROUD OF YALL. IT’S BASICALLY CHRISTMAS WHICH MEAN TOMORROW IS BASICALLY FERRUARY 😂. REMEMBER...DO *NOT* MAKE THE MISTAKE OF BEING TOO AMBITIOUS IN THE NEW YEAR AND SETTING TOO MANY GOALS U CANT MEET SO THAT U FEEL LIKE TRASH BY SUMMER. A WORD OF ADVICE FROM RAY DALLIO WHO FOUNDED THE MOST SUCCESSFUL HEDGE FUND IN HISTORY (Bridgewater). PULL OUT A SHEET OF PAPER. LIST THREE THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF YOU WANT TO CHANGE IN ONE COLUMN. IN THE COLUMN ON THE RIGHT OF THAT, LIST CONCRETE STEPS U WILL TAKE TO GET THERE. FORGET ABOUT MATERIAL GOALS “wanna move out of my house bc can’t stand my crazy a$$ mom” AYEEE ... I BEEN THERE 😂. INSTEAD, LIST “strained relationship with mom.” IN THE RIGHT COLUMN, LIST THINGS U MIGHT COULD DO TO FIX IT: “be patient. Listen when she wilds out and go full Kanye bipolar on me. Reassure her.” U FEEL ME? OR MAYBE “finally get healthy.” AND THEN STEPS: “cut out white sugar. Work out twice per week on Saturday and Sunday when I have no excuse not to.” ETC. U FEEL ME? DONT LIST MORE THAN 3. THEN KEEP THAT PAPER WITH YOU AND TRACK PROGRESS. AIGHT? I LOVE YALL. THE START OF A SOLAR YEAR IS HELLA ARBITRARY 😂. FAM... NOBODY USED TO TO EVEN CARE ABOUT THE SUN. PPL FOLLOWED THE MOVEMENT OF THE MOON WHICH IS FAR MORE CONSISTENT. DOESNT MATTER. WHAT MATTERS IS THAT U SET REASONABLE GOALS AND MAKE AND PLAN AND TRACK PROGRESS. I HAVE FAITH IN YALL!! BLESS UP ❤️ (Slide 4: u-FightingGoldenDevils. Slide 5: u-TimTheToothNinja. slide 6: SpecCRA. Slide 7: slide 7: PolishedPup. Slide 8: Jangos34. Slide 9: HonestRoutine.)