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Ass, Fall, and Hail Mary: I almost died today. Here is the true story So Iwas derping in my backyard today, picking up dog crap. The whole time, my dog was just sitting there watching me, enjoying the sight. So I go to the small section in between my trampoline and my fence. Now if any of you haven't seen my trampoline, it is really old and there are these black foam things on the bars that used to hold up a net, but they are mostly destroyed now. So I walk in the narrow space, and I get completely covered by the hugest web I've ever felt. All over my face, all over my chest and shoulders. I freak out, but I realize that there is no worries. I see no spider, and it would have to be a big ass spider to concoct such a glorious web. Well, sure enough, in the middle of my struggle to break free, I look up, and slowly, ever so slowly, I see the huge, black-brown mass of a spider about the size of my fist crawl out of some old, decaying foam protectors. I stare at it; it stares back. I look closely for any threads connecting us, and there, glinting back at me with sunlight, is one strand of spider web, connecting the hulk spider to my face. It realizes the fact at the same time as me, and thinks, "Yes! This boy's eye sockets will make excellent breeding holes for my eggs!! and starts a full on crawling sprint towards me. I freak out, and begin to struggle even more and more to release myself from this web. It reaches the halfway mark and sees me begin to escape, so it goes for gold. The Hail Mary play. A daring leap straight for the head. Time slows down. This thing has all legs extended, blocking out the sun. A sure death for me. My left arm breaks free from the web. This could be my chance! A quick and decisive left cross reaches the spider JUST in time knocking the behemoth against the fence. It looks dazed; begins to squirm around on the ground, preparing for a counteroffensive. I don't give it a chance. I take the poop shovel in both my hands, shout a battle cry of pure victorious slaughter and smash my enemy into a crumpled pile, each strike emanating a loud crunch of the monster's body.I emerge the survivor in this battle. Thank you video games, for my improved reaction time, lest I fall victim to fate Unlike Comment Share 3 hours ago you should probably go to TheMetaPicture.com epicjohndoe: This Man Should Write A Novel
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Ass, Beer, and Condom: 41 .d 70% 1:17 AM Saturday 1140 PM all i want to know is if that pic is photoshopped oh fuck wait the rest of them are i didn't even notice that Or maybe l actually died in a selfie related shark attack In 2018 anything's possible fr tho you got some quality photoshop skills Though my usual Tinder claim to fame is my poetry writing Gimme a format pick between Shakespearean sonnet or Dr Seuss poem and then l'd need a topic oh shit seuss for sure write aboutittt stupid frat boys Today 1:13 AM At Who University's campus downtown, studious students awaited sundown For during the day they're the learning ish sort. but after night fell? Watch Fraternity At Sigma Ki Kappa Phi Epsilon Nu a Vineyard-Vine chino store stepped into view A stack of red cups looming tall on his the Cat in the Frat prowled for Whogirls He saw a lone girl and assessed her cup size and then, in this order, gawked ass, chest and eyes He waltzed in on over and offered her and said "come with me, oh the places you'll cum! They snuck to a bedroom and passed Mister Grinch whose hazing machine dragged six pledges by winch. Its arms and its knobs fed the pledges and doubly increased their fraternity Just by the hazing in haze of his own, the Lorax sat still undeniably stoned. A pledge wandered up.. 'there's something I need. The Lorax did smile: 1 speak for the We ve got Xannys and Mollys and cocaine galore and ketamine, mushrooms and DMT-4 There's indicas, indigos, everywhich and every eigth bought, have a free hit of speed Horton popped pills called Pill 1 and Pill and then followed up with Pill Red and Pill Blue His world washed away as he tripped for three hours hearing small voices that spoke from puff fiowers. The Cat in the Frat roled off well what's-her-name and let her slip out with red visible He looked at his sheets and saw stains left by beer, and thought should I was them? Oh, maybe next year He'd wanted a girl from each stop on Srat Row with Ki Frappa Sig down just five more to go, He put back the condom he told her he'd wear And then set on foot for the cleanup The party had ended and Whos had gone home, with red cup footsteps creaking sticky beer foam Sprawled on the floor was that poor Sam I Am, and someone's puked-up rancid green eggs and ham. The Cat in the Frat called the cleaning which rolled and ka-sputtered its way through the scene Its arms and gloved hands dusted swept, and wipe dried and even did know to turn Sam on his At Sigma Ki Kappa Phi Epsilon Nu, The party lifecycle began thus anew. Tuesday was done and yet Wednesday drew near... The Cat had to run and go buy some more beer THAT WAS FUCKING AMAZING OH MY FUCKINF GOD I LVOE YOU Type a message Frat Life
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Dank, Memes, and Sports: When youre hand is so big you dont need a foam one at sports games by burtle1990 MORE MEMES

When youre hand is so big you dont need a foam one at sports games by burtle1990 MORE MEMES

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Alive, Amazon, and Apparently: someone: if you keep listening to your music so loudly, you'i1 be deaf by the time you're 20 me: WHAT jumpingjacktrash: cromulentenough: quinnbee-s: portmanteau-bot: boogiewoogiebuglegal: theprinceofprinces: 1337banna: gottalovesteak: 1337banna: gottalovesteak: magic-in-a-bottle: teuthidactyl: peaceheather: beanmom: ask-gallows-callibrator: demon-sweets: No. Just no. Ok? So I used to make this joke all the time. Now I have chronic tinnitus. For those of you who don’t know what that is, it’s nerve damage in your ears which often comes as a result of being constantly exposed to very loud noise for a long period of time. The nerve damage results in a constant ringing/buzzing in your ears. So far there’s no cure. The severity of it varies, and I’m lucky to have a mild case, which I can barely hear during the day and is easy to block out at night. That said, loads of people with tinnitus aren’t so lucky. Severe tinnitus can’t be blocked out. Those who suffer from it also suffer from severe loss of sleep, depression, anxiety…. the list goes on. Tinnitus also comes with a degree of hearing loss in most cases, making it even harder to ignore. In fact, some people with severe tinnitus kill themselves just to make the ringing stop. Tinnitus can be so severe that it drives a person to suicide. Chronic tinnitus used to mostly be prevalent in older people who worked for years with loud machinery etc, but all of a sudden it’s becoming more common in our generation. Why? Because of people, like me, who listened to their music too goddamn loudly through their headphones. Deaf by the time you’re 20? Please. That’s the least of your worries. Please reblog. This post reminded me to move my music further away and turn it down. Someone else may need to be more cautious of their shit too. Chronic mild tinnitus here, too, due to too many metal concerts in my youth.  Turn your headphones down a little.  Wear earplugs at concerts.  Protect your ears. Your eyes have an iris that can shrink down, and eyelids that can squint shut, to protect them from light that is too bright. Your ears have NOTHING to block out sounds that are too loud. It’s up to you. Tinnitus sufferer from drumline in high school checking in. These days I wear earplugs at concerts, rehearsals, clubs, and even movies sometimes. Get yourself a set that look like these ones: Etymotics Research was one of the first companies I’m aware of to widely market with this sort of ear plug, and they’re great, because they reduce noise fairly evenly across the spectrum, and so you hear everything accurately, just quieter.  While they’re certainly more expensive than the foam earplugs that you see everywhere, they also are washable and last for months and months, and sound great, if not better than without  for live music.  Please protect your ears.  There is no way to recover lost hearing. Apparently I had this. I just thought silence was a ringing sound you also might have even been “born” with this. a lot of people with sensory issues (especially autistic or ADD/ADHD people) experience this when it’s silent around them but havent actually hurt their ears with music at all. so its also a sensory processing thing and you can be “born” with it (aka develop with it in childhood) like i have Wait I thought that ringing was normal?? I hear ringing when its dead silent are you seriously saying my ADHD causes this???? I thought everyone had that???!!??! normal people dont have that ringing noise. while it’s minor in cases of sensory development issues from developmental disorders, it can be severe if a person with a developmental disorder listens to loud music. i know that sometimes during a sensory overload from autism, the ringing will become terribly loud Oh lord ok. Be careful with loud noises. Gotcha. I didnt realize not everyone hears that ringing. I thought it was normal so I never asked if anyone else heard it too. Thanks for the warning about loud music! Ive always tried to avoid going to concerts because of the ringing but I thought it was a thing everyone put up with and that I was being a wimp. Im glad I have an explanation! That’s why the ringing gets louder? SIGNAL BOOST signal + boost = signoost.Beep-boop. Portmanteau^bot^1If I sound pleased about this, it’s only because my programmers made this my default tone of voice! I’m actually quite depressed! | PayPal | Patreon when is was like 5 i thought it was like, a normal constant sound that came with being alive on a populous planet/in the universe, kinda like gravity or light or smthn, until I figured out that other people can actually hear silence When people talked about the sound of silence I thought that’s what they meant. But yeah I’ve had it for as long as I can remember. i’m autistic and i used to play in a punk band and go to a lot of rock shows in the 90′s. the ringing is always there. it always will be. could drive me crazy if i let it, but i’m a practical type, so i just deal. but you don’t want this if you don’t have to have it. turn your shit down, y’all.
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Blade, Church, and Crazy: vinebox i'm so in love with this bath bomb pocmemes jojo @cloutboyjojoo i should get baptized with this in my pocket...the whole church gone go crazy World Champ JR E @HarlemGetsMoney Replying to @cloutboyjojoo **water turns black The church: cry is trash13 I had a server tell me about how he was harassed into going to a church baptism ceremony by a not so close friend and to get them off his back he agreed He decided some time before that of he was going to be forced to do this her might as well have fun with it right? So he goes to lush and buys one of the black bath bombs, and cuts it in haf Now fast forward to the day of and he is wearing a small hamess under his shirt that is keeping both haves of the bath bomb one either shoulder blade He volunteers to get baptised They take him up put him in the white robe and then he waits for his turn. Now the friend who invited him had no clue what he is doing. They are pleasantly surprised to see him participating Honestly. A mistake on their part I only knew this guy for a max of 45 minutes and I could already tell this dude was a chaos entity So his turn comes up and they go to dunk him and the water immediately starts to foam and turn black and he starts screaming like a banchee jumps out the water and hisses at the priest Everyone fucking lost it and her was banned from ever attending that church again So yeah all in all seems like a great thing to do for a hilarious story Source vinebox2 82,219 notes The Baptism of the Anti Christ (colourized, year unknown)
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Future, God, and Head: avintagekiss24: elinimate: sursumursa: gendervilleusa: marguerite26: kk-maker: 2spoopy5you: lohelim: winterthirst: sabacc: Steve Rogers did, in fact, realize that something was off when he saw the outline of the woman’s odd bra (a push-up bra, he would later learn), but being an officer and a gentleman, he said that it was the game that gave the future away. #EXCUSE ME MA’AM BUT YOUR TITTIES ARE NOT CONES I’M CALLING BULLSHIT (via) No, see, this scene is just amazing. The costume department deserves so many kudos for this, it’s unreal, especially given the fact that they pulled off Peggy pretty much flawlessly. 1) Her hair is completely wrong for the 40’s. No professional/working woman  would have her hair loose like that. Since they’re trying to pass this off as a military hospital, Steve would know that she would at least have her hair carefully pulled back, if maybe not in the elaborate coiffures that would have been popular. 2) Her tie? Too wide, too long. That’s a man’s tie, not a woman’s. They did, however, get the knot correct as far as I can see - that looks like a Windsor. 3) That. Bra. There is so much clashing between that bra and what Steve would expect (remember, he worked with a bunch of women for a long time) that it has to be intentional. She’s wearing a foam cup, which would have been unheard of back then. It’s also an exceptionally old or ill-fitting bra - why else can you see the tops of the cups? No woman would have been caught dead with misbehaving lingerie like that back then, and the soft satin cups of 40’s lingerie made it nearly impossible anyway. Her breasts are also sitting at a much lower angle than would be acceptable in the 40’s. Look at his eyes. He knows by the time he gets to her hair that something is very, very wrong. so what you are saying is S.H.E.I.L.D. has a super shitty costume division…. Nope, Nick Fury totally did this on purpose. There’s no knowing what kind of condition Steve’s in, or what kind of person he really is, after decades of nostalgia blur the reality and the long years in the ice (after a plane crash and a shitload of radiation) do their work. (Pre-crash Steve is in lots of files, I’m sure. Nick Fury does not trust files.) So Fury instructs his people to build a stage, and makes sure that the right people put up some of the wrong cues. Maybe the real Steve’s a dick, or just an above-average jock; maybe he had a knack for hanging out with real talent. Maybe he hit his head too hard on the landing and he’s not gonna be Captain anymore. On the flipside, if he really is smart, then putting him in a standard, modern hospital room and telling him the truth is going to have him clamming up and refusing to believe a goddamn thing he hears for a really long time. The real question here is, how long it does it take for the man, the myth, the legend to notice? What does he do about it? How long does he wait to get his bearings, confirm his suspicions, and gather information before attempting busting out? Turns out the answer’s about forty-five seconds. Sometimes clever posts die a quiet death in the abyss of the unreblogged. Some clever posts get attention, get comments, get better. Then there’s this one which I’ve watched evolve into a thing of brilliance. #his little jaw twitch well done chris ( @thewomaninthetanjacket ) Oh shit I hadn’t noticed that, god this just gets better and better. I love everything about this. @greenbergsays I didn’t even notice any of this until read this thread. Woah.
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